Inducing Change In Loved Ones

[SMI]

How can you change someone who does not want to change?

[Ayla]

http://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/1652-knowledge-and-responsibility/?do=findComment&comment=15232

[FindingPeace]

14 hours ago, Murtaza said:

How can you change someone who does not want to change?

You can't.

Change has to come from within. For the person's own reasons. Even if you 'encouraged' someone and they did take some action, they would be doing it not for their own reasons but because you influenced them. This never works out in the long run.

Who are we to change another person? What right do we have? Why do we think we know what's better for them than they do? It's a rather egotistical and also selfish thing to want or try to change another human even if we think we are doing for their own good. It isn't our decision to make. It is theirs. Noone is an expert on someone else's life except for themselves.

Why do you want them to change? For their benefit or for yours?

Change is personal. Noone has the right to influence another to change. If they want to change they will ask for your help. Don't impose your help on to them because you think they need it.

By all means demonstrate the benefits of change. You can show someone the door but they have to choose to walk through it.

I'm not having a dig at you here. We all do this, we all go around trying to change one another. Trying to change reality because we all believe that we know better. But we have to accept reality and people for what and who they are. It will only backfire on us down the road if we try to impose ourselves on to others.

By all means show people the door, but don't push them through it.

 

Edit to add: 'inducing change' in people is analogous to manipulation and control. Not a healthy thing to be doing.

Edited February 26, 2016 by FindingPeace

[FindingPeace]

Just to add one other thing that bothers me about the question in this topic title: If they are you loved ones, then why are you trying to change them? Is that not contrary to the very sentiment of love?

[Walter B]

18 hours ago, Murtaza said:

How can you change someone who does not want to change?

You fucking can't!  It's a big mistake to try!  Only makes them despise you.  It ruins their passion as well.  So does underpaying them and expecting great work in return!

[Guest]

You can't and you shouldn't. Really.

[Isle of View]

19 hours ago, Murtaza said:

How can you change someone who does not want to change?

By changing how you see them.

Maybe they're just fine and you try to scuplture them in your image, and by doing it, are neglecting their own uniqueness, beauty etc.

See them as they are and listen to them. Soon you may find that they are just like they are and that's ok to let them be as they are.

Often also we despise in others what we are dispising in ourselves. 

 

 

[Kelley White]

20 hours ago, Murtaza said:

How can you change someone who does not want to change?

@Murtaza   I had to re frame this to, "When did I change thus I can no longer abide with this being as they are, or this conduct, and why?

 

1 hour ago, Isle of View said:

By changing how you see them.

Maybe they're just fine and you try to sculpture them in your image, and by doing it, are neglecting their own uniqueness, beauty etc.

See them as they are and listen to them. Soon you may find that they are just like they are and that's ok to let them be as they are.

Often also we despise in others what we are despising in ourselves

First I try to go through the process of inquiry @Isle of View suggests.  Now if I then come to the conclusion that the shift in my own personal development has meant I can not longer abide a self destructive or abusive paradigm, I have to take 100% responsibility and then remedy by changing my situation so it is the most healthy for me.

I have come to understand...no one can change another being without their consent.

[Key Elements]

By your actions...Esp your loved ones...when they see that you've discovered your life purpose or on your way, they start taking you very seriously - they try to understand you - more communication - and in turn, they change (for the better).

What I just said, may not work for everyone, perhaps, but it's sure worth the try.

Edited March 27, 2016 by Key Elements

[Kelley White]

1 hour ago, Key Elements said:

By your actions...Esp your loved ones...when they see that you've discovered your life purpose or on your way, they start taking you very seriously - they try to understand you - more communication - and in turn, they change (for the better).

I wish this was always true.

[Key Elements]

3 hours ago, Kelley White said:

I wish this was always true.

Well, I also wish the same thing, but hey, it's worth the effort because the person improves by leaps and bounds trying this way - actions + unconditional love + peace of mind (no-ego) + paradigm shifts. I understand it's different for everyone. The life purpose that comes along is well worth the effort. 

It takes time...maybe a lifetime. (btw, it shouldn't.) To me, it's worth it because life is just a glimpse - blink once and an entire life passes.

We have this one life...why not? 

Edited March 27, 2016 by Key Elements

[Eric C]

Change needs to come from within.   You may inspire change, however it is ultimately up to the person to decide for themselves. 

[Key Elements]

That's what I'm saying.

[Kevin Dunlop]

You have changed them. Everything is constantly changing and the examples you exhibit change the people that come in contact with you. You can take control of what you talk about with them and how you talk,  even what you do together and where. You can suggest things in the conversation indirectly. You can control the climate and direction of your conversations in a way that gets them thinking about what you want them to think about. This is manipulation but you use it to make things better so its positive. You can trick them into changing. Tell them that you are thinking about changing some things and ask them for advice. The message is, 1 we change ourselves, 2 we talk about it and support eachother 3 I believe in you as a person who might be able to understand and help someone change. The more ways that you show the person you believe these type of things the more they will open up to these posibilities. Work on it subily and enjoy the process, also let yourself off the hook if you have little success just trying and learning is good enough. Its time to experiment not get frustrated with them.

These experiments show that when you believe in people you change them for the better

Rosenthal and Jacobson's results demonstrate a powerful self-fulfilling prophecy. Students believed to be on the verge of great academic success performed in accordance with these expectations; students not labeled this way did not. Later research has supported Rosenthal's original conclusion, that teacher expectations can have a substantial effect on students' scholastic performance. 
  

I wish you well.

Edited April 4, 2016 by Kevin Dunlop

[adrian284]

On 2/24/2016 at 2:35 PM, Murtaza said:

How can you change someone who does not want to change?

Maybe what you're really asking is "How can you help someone to seriously consider going in the right direction when he or she currently doesn't see the need for change"? When you just say "change someone" it implies quick and impatient action (which doesn't work).

It's usually a gradual process and needs to be done through showing the person the correct reasoning through indirect examples when their guard isn't up (e.g. you're not fighting).

Edited April 27, 2016 by adrian284
"consider"