Self actualization in relationships - travel together or die

[TriteNTrue]

The last 2 years were a torrent of experiences for - got engaged, married, moved, quit my job to start my business and lost my dad.

About a year ago, I discovered that I really wasn't self aware, I didn't know myself at all (marriage held up a mirror so that I could see myself more clearly) . Somehow I stumbled on Leos video about how to stop caring what others think about you, and I've been on the path since - meditating, reading books, applying myself where I can.

My wife hasn't/isn't interested and I've really struggled as I've grown to cope with the same habits, triggers and attitudes of the past. She loves to listen to the material but isn't concerned with doing any of the work but instead is more focused on herself (beauty, self image, socializing etc).  It's really frustrating and I have begun thinking along the following lines:

1.  As I grow, and  If she doesn't, then  we'll grow apart to the point where we don't connect on anything  substantial - our consciousness will diverge, I'll lose interest and leave.
2. I am becoming more aware of the triggers and underlying reasons why we fight and are unhappy. I won't get into them here but I  realize that I have a lot of growth to do. The other half of me wants to use this as an opportunity to work on myself - figure out why I get triggered, understand myself more even though it comes in the form of negativity /angst from her.  It's an opportunity to grow.

Overall,  we're not happy and have hurt each other through our words and actions.  I think some of that is due to lack of self awareness and also because my wife doesn't take feedback/criticism well unless it's well tucked in her favorite pie (i.e. sugar coating).  I don't even think i love her anymore, though I'm digging deep to see if the toxicity and all the life changes masks those emotions.  So as I 'man-up' and become more assertive, I'm noticing a lot of changes both good and bad. Good because I realize that she wants  me to take the lead. . Bad (for her) because  now I'm showing a different side and i  respond differently to her now as I let go of things that triggered me.

I feel this is a common problem  for those of us on this path.  Do you lean in to your current strife and use it as a stepping stone or  leave the toxic situation behind.

Thoughts? 

[Nahm]

@TriteNTrue she has nothing to do with you. Why do you quarrel at all, with anyone? Triggered: stop, drop, & meditate. Don’t carry on. Stop. If you don’t think you love her, you don’t. Love is so trancendent to thought. If she, as a partner, doesn’t even make it through your thought filter....you know.