Feeling anxiety when people gossip/talk trash about others

[ADD]

Hi!

I've been having this feeling more and more intense lately. I'm popular guy in university and i socialize alot. The thing that makes me anxious is to see how two faced people can be, they try to drag me with them in the gossiping but i've had it.

It seems if i wan't to live to my values i have to avoid certain people. What these people have common with me is that they are very fun and social wich is what i really like.

How have you dealed with your friends who act against your values at times?

[snowleopard]

I would gossip about them in a discussion forum  ... sorry, couldn't resist

Seriously, if you truly want to hang out with them, then you're probably just going to have to accept them, warts and all. I doubt that they're going to be receptive to your moral judgment of their behavior, which will alienate them enough that you won't being hanging with them much longer. You surely can't force them to change. Perhaps best to just try to be a clear example of what the alternative to such ego-driven behavior looks like, and trust that those who resonate with that example will quite naturally be attracted toward it, while those who don't, will quite naturally turn away. It's kind of the way of the Tao

[Nahm]

@ADD laugh about it.  Why would you be anxious about it? You’re not doing it, they are. 

[Matteo]

4 hours ago, ADD said:

How have you dealed with your friends who act against your values at times?

Hi @ADD. The more I grow, the less friends I have, the more is difficult to find people that I can relate with in a meaningful way. On the other hand, I discovered that I don't need to have many friends, even though I thought I did in the past. I had fear of having no friends at all and being alone, and because of that I was hanging out with people I didn't really want to hang out with. When I discovered that some of my relationships were fear-based, many of them fell away.

I suggest you inquire into the relationship between your top values and your drive to socialize. Why are you socializing? What do you want from those people? Are you creating an environment around you that supports your growth?

[ADD]

8 hours ago, Matteo said:

Hi @ADD. The more I grow, the less friends I have, the more is difficult to find people that I can relate with in a meaningful way. On the other hand, I discovered that I don't need to have many friends, even though I thought I did in the past. I had fear of having no friends at all and being alone, and because of that I was hanging out with people I didn't really want to hang out with. When I discovered that some of my relationships were fear-based, many of them fell away.

I suggest you inquire into the relationship between your top values and your drive to socialize. Why are you socializing? What do you want from those people? Are you creating an environment around you that supports your growth?

I'm socializing because i wan't to be noticed, it strengthens my self-image. I wan't their acceptance.

Now i realized why i get anxious; i see how critical and judgemental my social circle can be when they gossip so it starts to worry "me" if they accept "me" either. 

I can now see that my ego had added my social popularity as one source of it's confidence. When i see behaviour that threatens it, anxiety hits. My ego cheated me to think that i'm just so noble that it bothers me so much when people are mean to eachother. Lol

Thank you!

Sometimes even for simple realizations like this, few guiding words can be really helpful!

[snowleopard]

@ADD  Now you can also be grateful for those gossip-mongers, without whom you may not have inquired into this valuable insight ... teachers appear in mysterious ways. 

[Matteo]

@ADD You're welcome!

[Joseph Maynor]

This is one reason why I choose to be alone most of the time.  It's because I can sense the manipulative energy in people.  I hate overhearing someone getting backstabbed.  It's like a car-crash too, everybody was to grab a peek of it.  It's a very cheap way to get attention from others.  When you talk shit about someone or something, the spotlight is on you -- you're the star for the moment.  A lot of people do this with politics too.  They're always turning things political to try to get attention and the spotlight.  They want to feel right and smart and worthy.  Really, they just look like judgmental pricks.

Edited December 16, 2017 by Joseph Maynor

[Azrael]

On 13.12.2017 at 11:11 PM, ADD said:

How have you dealed with your friends who act against your values at times?

All the time. All my friends have their own values that differ from each other. That's the beauty. When we meet we never run out of things to say. Everyone is its own character. The one thing that we share though is the deep knowing and feeling of "brotherhood". Whatever that is, it sticks us together. Find people like that. Opinions change, but your brothers stay your brothers.