suicidal

[mitch311]

Have thoughts of buying a few portable bbqs and burning charcoal in my car to gas myself. I feel like just sucking it up and doing it. Felt this way too many times before

 

I've had bad ocd for quite a few months and been isolating myself a lot. Been binge drinking 2-3x a week for the last few months. I'm now over that, I don't want to drink anymore, it's no longer doing any positive whatsoever. I've still maintained a really healthy diet for many years now. My health has issues, I've got a problem with my breathing, it's very controlled, it takes much more effort than it should and is on mind 100% of the day.  I've sat down and spent 100s and 100s of hours trying to work it out. My body feels very ill and does not function in anyway as it should. I can't feel any pleasure in my body. I have tried a few different hard drugs, which i don't condone for myself, i cant get a single ounce of good feeling. It's been 4 years since my body has been capable of producing a nice feeling. Long term health condition diagnosed as m.e, in other words, i have no idea what's going on, it's caused immense suffering for me.    I believe if i could let go of this ocd and feelings of guilt, and looked after myself and got my emotional health in order, then my body should heal itself somewhat after many months. The doctors have provided no help, after shit loads of visits and tests. I haven't been able to sort my emotions out and the ocd and it's just been dragging on for ages. It's just suffering at the moment and nothing else. 

I'm 26, living with my mum. Don't want to burden anyone else whilst im feeling this way. No job atm, except for the stuff i was doing part time with a mate and when my band gigs. I feel like a pretty incomplete, kind of stupid, well behind in life for my age, and socially awkward in ways. I managed to build some decent guitar skills over years and I know people think highly of me in this. I don't have much else. Potential for doing other stuff? Sure

 

I have family coming up for christmas, an old friend coming through also wants to see me, i have a gig on new years, i have a friends wedding in january. I don't want to do any of it, and i don't want to see anyone.

I'm actually feeling temporarily less morbid after writing this, I don't expect it to last. 

Are there consequences to suicide? -In regards to this thing that I perceive as the self. What are beliefs on this around here? Am I gone like I want to be? Or is something in 'me' likely to continue on and pay for it. I know I'm incredibly selfish, I just don't care atm 

 

 

[ajasatya]

@mitch311 awesome guitar skills.

have you ever challenged yourself physically? i looked in your profile and it says that you're from new zealand.
so i googled new zealand images and i found a link to this, which is something i would DEFINITELY do if i were where you are, emotionally speaking. i've been there and my healing process started with an "adventure".

get out of the comfort zone. step up your game. i bet you have so much musical baggage to share. also, at your level, it's easier for you to learn from other guitar players that you eventually meet out there.

this world is HUGE. and you, the "self" that you talk about, is this world experiencing itself. fundamentally speaking, it's impossible to kill yourself. you cannot escape experiencing the NOW. what you gotta do is find a way to amaze yourself while you live, which is something Creation does. IT amazes ITself.

[Truth Seekah]

Thumbs up for the guitar solo.

 

[petragr]

Gosh , I have to admit that I contemplated suicide often and have actually tried to carry it out a few times , I used to be very very depressed ,

The last time I tried to harm myself was many years ago , i took a bottle buzz and some razors and walked along the freeway to get to the wilderness, 

as I walked along ,  a question  flashed into my mind , Why would you kill yourself if God put you onto this Earth ?  With that question I "woke up " from my trance like state and I realized that there was no reason at all . I walked back and from then on I had to face all my demons and problems.

One of my most amazing therapist said to me once , that the people who commit suicide are the ones we needed the most , they are the most sensitive and valuable for society , the exception being murderers of course.

PLEASE FIND A GOOD THERAPIST THEY CAN PERFORM MIRACLES !

Edited December 27, 2017 by petragr

[Leo-Tzu]

So you suffer and want do end it. . . To escape the pain right? But if you think about it what happens after it. . . Lets suppose you gonna reincarnate into another human being, 75% of people live poorly suffering and with no access to clean water, get flooded and cant afford food. What kind of life is that sm1 would say? Well i say that is life. . . You have 3/4 possibility to end up like that. Let's assume hell exist (which i doubt) you would be feeling pain for eternity. .. . Suppose everything goes dark with no memory and no timespace exists so this life of yours is a hallucination and never happend. . . Well it would happen anyway 40-50 years from now in a normal lifespan dont you think? So you cant really escape the universe. . . What's left to do. . .well my friend you have a health problem which i strongly recommend to seek help about. You owe it to your mum to your friends and to yourself. For what i read people who failed suicide most of them turned their life 180degrees because their family and friends helped them and listened their silenced scream. And dont tell me you cant do it coz on the internet there's a guy with no arms and no legs who got a job a perfect family and has a lot to give to the world. At least you can advertise yourself better on internet im sure you gonna be asked to play in concerts ect. Your guitar skills are amazing. I'm sure chicks would pull their had of fighting to bang you. But first you must help yourself in order for the universe (or God) to help you. 

[Leo-Tzu]

How are you?

[h inandout]

Yeah, somatic therapy is really fascinating to say the least.  I haven't seen a therapist but I have gone through a sacred body mapping course.  I am drawn to your post tonight because I'm feeling the darkness around me.  Everything is going right, and I've been working really hard to get it all just right, and now that things are about to take off, I feel like shit and I'm teetering on self-sabotage.  I hate everyone.  I can't help that I've been programmed to distrust success, and that I have no one in my life who really gets it.  But I do know some somatic visualization processes.  Perhaps I will try one now...

[Nathan]

Hey. Sorry to hear about all of this, you sound really nice. M.E. sounds like a rough ride, but looking online the prognosis seems to be fairly positive for most people. 4 years is a long time to suffer, but what has occured isn't an infallible basis to judge what will occur, you never know how the present will unfold over the span of the next year. 

Has the breathing issue been long term or has it cropped up more recently? If you haven't had diagnostic tests for that issue it's worth chasing up. I wasn't diagnosed as asthmatic until I was 22 and breathing then became easier.

Also nice guitar skills, do you want to write songs?

[Jamie Universe]

@mitch311 The advice here is really good. But if it still hasn't done anything/much for you, then you must jump into your own mind. suicidal mindset changes when you realize for yourself, not because someone told you, that all the obstacles/shit that faces you is able to be overcome. And let me tell you it is. You won't understand that from me telling you. I mean for example...

 

You've got breathing problems, some people don't have legs, that doesn't stop them from moving forward, it also doesn't stop them from being happy

You don't feel much feeling in your life and body? Same right here, I wanted to feel like hell, and then I just decided I shouldn't get so worked up on wanting everything, and I still don't feel great 24/7 but that's not a bad thing anymore. Also some people here, and in the world have the same problem. 

You've also got a lot of complicated emotions/social situations. Which you need to realize, a lot of people have. And it is OVERCOMABLE. You don't feel nothing or you don't feel bad without some reason in your mind. Just because you don't have the answer doesn't mean there isn't one.

I didn't know what m.e stood for, so I looked it up. I'm sorry that sounds like it sucks. But you've got to realize, that's an obstacle. All the things I've already written are obstacles. M.E. is not what's holding you down.

 

So yea I get it, it just sucks. I was suicidal once, I thought I was schizophrenic lol.