In Progress here: A greeting and a discussion

[In Progress]

You can call me Joe. 

I'm hoping my own journey so far and going forward can resonate with some of you.

 

I've really covered the bases when it comes to self-actualization, I swear I know every strategy like the back of my hand - but the changes I've cared about most haven't come. The changes that HAVE happened, have been great. Success with women, presentation skills, healthy diet, etc. But one thing that hasn't changed threatens to root me in place like concrete, for good.

There's a cycle, and it begins with getting distracted (riveting I know, just stay with me). I'm now behind on something I was supposed to be working on. I lie and say I've done it - whether this be lying directly or just acting like nothing's the matter.  Can't break the facade, which means I can't be seen working on it later. Rather difficult when I have only so much time alone after work, school and research before I see my girlfriend. Don't break the facade, I can just finish it later and make up an excuse as to why it's late (Let me tell you, I'm quite the architect with these.). In the meantime, I've kept myself busy, but with everything EXCEPT what I was supposed to do. Maybe I game, or do 3d modeling, or the news. The time spent on my assignment would have to be explained, if not to someone else than myself - I'd have to face the issue at hand - but even I need to believe the facade. I could finish all the week's work in one night. (I could, I've done it before, but there's no reason in the world to think of that as some dependable occurrence.)

As time drags on toward deadlines I can't even put a pencil to a piece of work, or an important email that I have to send. I give up if I start to fail during a day instead of catching myself and switching gears. I'd rather give in and believe that I can't take corrective action than do something about it.

Part of this is a tendency to get distracted, but there's something else - something I hope is reversible. When I was kid I used to dream. Sure, I was distractable then too (actually more so) but I didn't have any feeling of resistance when it came to my schoolwork. I loved it. Then middle school came, severe bullying, near suicide, difficulty with parents compounding. I was bullied, at least in part, because I asked too many questions. I liked learning too much.

I was the "What-If" kid. What-if the coffee maker could do this? What if the landing craft could do this? What if nature could do this? What if (in math) x could do this? I didn't understand why the abuse was happening, so I aimed the blame inwards and nearly committed suicide at 12. I became anxious, judgemental (toward myself and others), and got most of my drive from keeping up a facade rather than letting my curiosity roam free. As you might guess, keeping up a facade based on lack of effort and ease....isn't sustainable. It was for high school, most of Bioengineering Undergrad.

But now, with research, school, work and a girlfriend who just lost her father, the facade can't be sustained. These past couple years, I've tried to use negative thought to force myself to change my actions. The results haven't been good.

It's as if I were in a sealed off room, and due to my own breathing I will eventually risk breathing in too high a concentration of CO2. My current strategy would be to hold my breath, to avoid breathing in the CO2 - doesn't work too well, and leaves me with the suffocating emotional feeling I'm all too used to now.

Instead, I think I need to reach for the oxygen, and turn on the supply. The oxygen is my..drive. Curiosity, breathing room, whatever you want to call it.

Without that flow of oxygen, I'm left with the 2 options I encounter every day:                                                                                                                                               1. Be paralyzed, suffocate as I stop yourself from taking in any air.                                                                                                                                                                                2. Breathe the air that's available - the distractions, the low-engagement entertainment from gaming to news. My need to consume remains, but I'm unwilling to let myself freely do so, out of recollection of what I went through.

 

My biggest hurdle is commitment. My biggest hurdle in accomplishing that is the emotion that I attach to the smallest tasks and decisions. I know that if I can commit to small changes I can avoid the "molehill into a mountain" dilemma. I also know that I need fuel to get me there, and that negativity and self-shaming will do more to fuel the defensive facade than it would productive actions that in their enactment would acknowledge that facade is based on a lie. The ego will always protect itself.

And so there's the loop. My goal is to find my dreams again, and form values that will get me there. When these values are strong enough, my daily actions will more easily represent them and the direction I want to go.  My goal right now is to be responsible - a small one compared to what I used to have, but perhaps what I need now more than ever. If I can accomplish this one half-decently I should get the momentum I need to do more.

Thank you for listening friends, and godspeed. I look forward to knowing you.

[Epiphany_Inspired]

yes, distraction...I wish I was in more of a discussion mood...but all I can do is agree...and it sucks you were bullied about your love of learning, WTF?

personal experiences I can offer:

*trying to get the momentum through willpower alone is futile long-term

*that inner-self-shaming-critic with the negative thoughts and defenses is likely stronger than you may realize...but that is not really you...

Maybe we both need to watch the distractions video again...I've given up most of the entertainment stuff....but I still find ways...wishing you an amazing fun focused life!

[Lorcan]

 

16 here.

It seems in middle-school you were made a living meme.

I have attained such memedom.

I had a full head of hair before lunch one day, and I went down at lunch to have it cut. I came back to my class with a completely shaven head.

The backlash. People were in shock. I was called all sorts of name smuel, robocop without his mask on etc. I had people slap my head on occasion. I had a choice to make. I could choose to sit and feel shit about myself, or I could choose to be confident and embrace the meme. I felt neutral, slightly leaning on wanting to feel "sit and feel shit" due to ego defense of course. Being validated as a "joke" hurts the ego.

I chose to embrace the meme. This was effortless.

So what they know you as the "What-if" kid? If anyone tries to "bully" you. Just smile and embrace the meme. Few people actually want to bully you, most are just laughing due to it being an easy laugh. They laugh because they probably assume you can take being the butt of a joke.

Turn X situation into a positive one. You do not have to try to do this. Just choose to. There is no good and bad. There is just "it". And whatever you decide to do with "it" after having received it is up to you. Choosing to make a situation that damages ones ego into a positive is more difficult than choosing to make it a negative. The ego wants to survive in its usual and most frequent state where it thrives in comfortable.

 

Meditation:Mindfullness

Exercising: Sprinting, Running, Bodyweight

Breathing:Wim Hof Method (Basically, Breathing DEEPLY)

Cold Exposure/Temprature Discomfort: The Cold KILLS (and I mean KILLS) feelings of sadness and anxiety. 

Singing: Your body is a living instrument.Sing songs that inspire you. Let them drive you. Let them bring you joy. Sing the skyrim theme.

Mantras: Write your own mantra to inspire you. Chant it. Feel it. Be it. Do it religiously. Believe in what you say. Useful when used while exercising

Song Mantras: Useful when running. Here is a miltary one to show you what I mean:

 

Dancing: Move in a way to express your joy. It does not matter how you move.

Smile/Laugh: Get that "what the fuck factor" back into your life. Smile, Laugh, be sarcastic, be in awe of reality.

Invision: Sit somewhere and envision yourself in a positive enviorment, being happy, feeling joy. Notice you already feel this way. 

 

 

You can do all these. For absolutely free. Given that you have the calories and water to survive to do them. No equipment required. All of these can be done completely on your own!

 

Do not half-ass them. While half-assing is better then not doing these at all, you are limiting your growth, when you notice yourself starting to half-ass kick your shit into gear. Let your inner fire burn. Have a line you repeat to yourself. I ussually say something like " I WANT TO BE A REVOLUTIONARY" "THE COLD CANNOT STOP ME, IT WILL NOT STOP ME, I WILL HAVE IT"

 "Fear of Suffering is worse than suffering itself"

Building up yourself esteem is highly important. Call yourself a god. Believe it. Do not doubt it. Believe it. But also believe to take everything with a pinch of salt. That statement included.

 

Make no mistake.

You will suffer. Your will to get shit done will break over and over again. You will relapse.

Remember. "Fear of Suffering is worse than suffering itself"

When you do not something, what you to do, in fear that you will suffer. You are suffering. I dare you to go out and feel a bit of pain. Just a little bit. Your suffering will start to manifest into joy.

 

Why should you listen to me? Hahaha. I am just some foolish pubescent teenage boy afterall. I have not even implemented a quarter of these habits myself. I have only implemented meditation as a consistent daily habit. I have been trying to implement exercise but I half assed that habit badly for the past 3 weeks. I am weak. Most people. Are weak. Make yourself strong. Your weak-self. Kill it. Give it no room.

Good luck on your journey my dear friend. May you find peace on your journey.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 13, 2017 by Lorcan