Jesper's Overcoming Fear Of Failure And Rejection

[Jesper]

Wow, I realized something important about myself tonight.

I already knew that I have a fear of failure and rejection. But tonight I saw how pervasive this is throughout different aspects of my life, and that this is my weakest point.

My life until now has been pretty smooth and easy. I had a happy childhood, I did well at school and never even had to work very hard for it; at University I had to work a little harder but it was never a problem, and at work I'm also doing very well. I can get along with people very well and rarely get mad at anyone, and the people I interact with almost always like me. I've never had to overcome really emotionally difficult problems in my life. (I'm impressed by the stories of some people who were much worse off than me, and it sounds strange but I sometimes even feel jealous because of how strong they've become by overcoming their huge problems).

I am used to being successful and being accepted by the people that I deal with. But this is exactly where my weak point comes from: I am not used to failure and rejection, and consciously and subconsciously my whole life is being aimed at avoiding failure and rejection, in many different ways.

I like working hard, but only on things that I know I'm good at or that I at least am convinced I can be successful at. I give up quickly on things that I don't see myself being successful at. I avoid people who I suspect might not accept and like me.

Learning how to effectively deal with failure and rejection is one of the most important things that I'm going to have to learn. Because if I don't have to be afraid of failure and rejection, I'm going to be UNSTOPPABLE. That means I can't loose and I won't ever quit!

These fears are also the main mechanism behind why I'm not taking any action with approaching women.

What I've been doing until now with regard to women is trying to learn every bit of theory that I can find, watching hundreds of YouTube videos, reading books, etc. and always having an excuse for myself why I need to learn more or think about it some more before I undertake any kind of action. The underlying subconscious thought I have is that once I master all the theory, then I can take action and then I cannot fail.

But this is ofcourse not true. When approaching women, failure and rejection is simply unavoidable. It doesn't matter how much theory I know, I am going to get rejected. In fact, I will probably get rejected more often than I will have success.

I will have to face the fact that I will fail and get rejected and learn to deal with it effectively.

It will be a major jump in my personal development when I can accept that and deal with it.
 

[Psychonaut]

11 minutes ago, Jesper said:

Learning how to effectively deal with failure and rejection is one of the most important things that I'm going to have to learn. Because if I don't have to be afraid of failure and rejection, I'm going to be UNSTOPPABLE. That means I can't loose and I won't ever quit!

I'm also working on it. I haven't really figured out how to do it. But on some days I am invincible because I just feel fearless. Haven't really been able to pinpoint what exactly makes me get into this state. But I think it happens when I forget about all the possible ways I could fail and just start doing. Also not expecting much or even nothing helps. Once you don't expect to score a date or a girlfriend being "rejected" just becomes experience. Eventually things work out the way they are supposed to.

[misko55]

Know how you feel , there is an Asia ( Chinese or Japanese) saying. You know the difference between a master and a student? Master failed more time than a student tried.

Think about failure as a lesson and women aren't scary , they are just like us , you don´t need to desperately prove to her that you have a worth!!

I know this because I was afraid of telling my feelings to girls and you know , those rejections , I don´t remember them , but those times that I didn't try or tell them how I felt , biggest regrets in my life!

[Jesper]

Something that was thinking about today as I was in my car listening to a podcast:

See life as an experiment. An experiment has an outcome. That outcome is neutral. It's not good or bad, it's not a success or a failure. It's just the result of the experiment, and it is whatever it is.

See, for example, approaching women as an experiment. You get an outcome. Don't attach a judgement to that outcome. She might like you, or she might reject you. It's just what happens and it doesn't mean anything.

Be detached from the outcome - don't be attached to one particular outcome (which leads to anxiousness for that outcome to become reality).

[Psychonaut]

46 minutes ago, Jesper said:

She might like you, or she might reject you. It's just what happens and it doesn't mean anything.

I'm not sure if I like the odds of you talking to women. It sounds like a 50/50 between being liked and not. How about 

• she might enjoy talking to me
• she will really get into the conversation and we will have a blast
• she is really hungry and we go into a restaurant
• we casually walk along the street and completely get lost in a conversation
• she runs away screaming hysterically 

Notice how I made the negative reaction less likely? The positive ones are of course highly overdone, but I couldn't hink of realistic ones 

The best thing is of course to not think about the outcome before AT ALL. You might either expect too much or think about all the negative things that could happen and that somehow makes them more likely to happen. Or when they happen it affirms your thoughts of the negative outcome and thus make it less likely that you will take action again.

 

Notice I don't use the word "reject". I think it is important to be aware of how certain words make us feel and substitute them with a more neutral word. When I hear the word "reject" I feel bad, or at least a little bit. Might just be me, I'm weird.

[Psychonaut]

@Jesper I just thought of another anology, maybe it helps.

Have you ever had a dog before? I have a dog. He regularly comes to me, scratches my arm and tries to somehow get my attention. Most of the time I don't really know what he wants so I might

• stroke him
• massage his back
• play with him
• throw a ball
• fill up his water bowl
• shake out his blanket and rearange it
• put a blanket for him in the sun so he can sunbath
• let him jump on my lap
• ignore him

I don't know what he originally wanted, so I just do something and hope it makes him happier.

Imagine you are my dog. You don't know what is going to happen when you come and try to get my attention. It literally is random. It could be anything.

Now compare my interaction human-dog with your interaction human-human. Can you predict what is going to happen? I believe no and that it is pretty much random. That's why there is no point in thinking about it.