Zen, music, life

[Nexeternity]

I am an aspiring musician.  Picked up the violin less than a year ago at 30 years old as I was about 1/4th of the way through the life purpose course heh

I want to try practicing today with this attitude:

 

I dont want to get better

I want to play exactly how I play

And with time the consciousness expands and I play better.

Through no will of my own.

[Shroomdoctor]

@Nexeternity Violins are beautiful. Go for it! 

[Nexeternity]

@Shroomdoctor  Thanks for the support!!! 

[Nexeternity]

Usually I keep to myself, minimize my time on the phone and online, keep relationships to a minimum and socializing down.  Really took the lifestyle minimilism video to heart hehe

Its really paid off, but this weekend after my  5 meo ceremony I decided to let it all out.  If I felt the urge to do it I did it. 

So I told all my family and friends, had long conversations with people I hadnt talked for a while, let myself share and talk and hang out and laugh.  It was really good.

Sometimes letting go of the discipline for a bit to fully express your energy is necessary I feel.

There will be enough time to keep practicing, meditating, reading hehe... have to find that balance 

[Nexeternity]

Existential Lovers

 

How to dissolve that labyrinth of concepts?

That trap us, separate us, cause anxiety, cause ambition.

If everything we want is right here?

 

Those words that like a house of cards construct desires,

Fears, and pains.

But even pain is delicious, and marvelous, mysterious.

 

The source, God?  Outside and inside is found what is looked for.

Feeling the inevitable flow, catching the inescapable moment.

Knowing that you are doing good, that there was no way to make a mistake.

 

Without meaning and non meaning, nor purpose or non purpose,

Without doing or non doing, no observer, no I.

Only Being and non being, together and inseparable.

 

Lovers.  Existential lovers.  

[Nexeternity]

Ive been going up and down lately... um... its really weird.

When I am good, I am really good and it seems like it cant go away.   

Then stuff will surface that really shakes me up for a while and it also seems it wont go away.

Up and down, up and down.

Would be nice to maintain the clarity.

[Nexeternity]

Inspired by zen poetry

 

I like life.

A cold beer washed down by water.

The breath of musky air.

 

Hard lessons learned.

Old threats resolved

 

Peace, yes.  Paid I its price.

 

 

 

I thought it hard to write.

But simple words give birth too.

 

Easy was seen to hold my scenes.

 

With only  a smile to love.

 

Its enough.  Plenty enough.

[Nexeternity]

I am getting amazing results from practicing tecnique an pieces imagining like i am playing for my little niece.  The love I feel makes the music more expressive and relaxes my body and mind for the playing  

[Nexeternity]

I have been able to get a feel for following the Truth lately.  Its weird but just little decisions of movement, of thoughts, of stuff I do and say and what other people do or say.  

I can kind of trace the connection of the things to the Truth, how it deepens or weakens depending on how true it is.

cant really express this well but i had to try.

[Sahil Pandit]

@Nexeternity <3

[Nexeternity]

Watching the video of Radical Implications of Oneness reminded me of this...

I had two experiences of totally unity with another before.  I was so in love once that one time I went swimming and it felt like I was literally using her body.  It was still my body I was using but there was no separation between mine and hers. It wasn't just a love feeling, or some abstract thought, it was something else, a literal perception of unity.

The other one happened to me also with my first conversation after a 10 day vipassana retreat.  I was talking to someone and I felt it was me talking to me. It's not just that I identified with my visual image, it was that the “beingness” of both of us seemed to merge into one.  It was trippy.

Sometimes if there's a group of people doing contact improvisation and its silent, and the ambience is meditative, I can kind of “push” myself out into my surrounding and feel like I am everyone moving.

[Nexeternity]

Bufo ceremony # 5

I usually like to make a thread about my trips but I decided I would just post them here instead.

Pretty intense as usual...

One of the coolest things I saw was that little ebb and flow of resistance and the letting go of it, the getting in the flow and the slightly resisting the flows of energies.

Seeing those little inauthenticities and authenticities creep in and out of my movements, my thoughts, just my actions in general.

Its really crazy the tension we hold in our bodies... and I would even say our psyches and emotions.

How we need to free ourselves from all that tension but without overly forcing it.

Lots of gratitude and surrender to the earth, sun, water.  Lots of asking for forgiveness for all that sin I hold, all that egoic stuff that still comes up.

The feeling of laying flat on the ground and all I need to do is hold my arms facing outward, opening my body, surrendering, and letting the medicine and shaman do their thing.

Amazing medicine.  Really amazing.

 

Oh I forgot a scary part... at one point after the second time I smoked I felt like I was going crazy, like my reality was falling apart and I went too far, I had a flash  that I was having a psychotic kind of melt down and that I just ruined my life and everyones day... it was all just fears, in the video I was just screaming a bit but nothing really crazy happened.  

I feel like now that I have total faith in the medicine and the shaman and my life is going pretty well that the medicine is going deeper and trying to unconver all my deepest fears and resistances. 

I also felt this bit of pride that I was "doing a good job" after the first smoke and after the second one knocked me down I saw that there is still arrogance in me and how I must stay humble always.

Edited November 26, 2018 by Nexeternity

[Nexeternity]

I am really happy.  The bufo ceremony was so amazing, my heart is wide open.

My violin playing is going great!!   

I have been sending whatsapps and facebook messages to everyone telling them I love them haha  

Hope anyone reading this has an amazing day!

[Nexeternity]

I got the insight yesterday about the everything is love thing!  

Really felt how everyone and everything, every being, is doing what it thinks its best for itself, even when totally misguided.

Its all a love operation, it just gets twisted, or at least it seems to get twisted from out limited perspectives!

But its all love, and its all okay!

[Nexeternity]

I woke up last night with a flash of the ceremony.  

Its really not what anyone thinks it is... it cant be... if not they would want to do it.

So healing, it shows you the beauty of existence.  How everything is truly made out of light and love.  How light your body can feel and how light its energy can flow through it. 

I wish more peopel would try a Bufo ceremony.

[Nexeternity]

I feel almost like a lion.  The primal energy feels super activated.  I want to roar.

[Nexeternity]

I think I am getting enlightened. 

Its like... I feel like I am the space and the silence, that I am not located anywhere.

My body feels uncontracted and my sense of self just a story thats spinning but not really as real as that space and silence that allows it to be.

Its really good 

[Nexeternity]

Ive been doing a practice every once in a while where I write what I am greatful for and what i am sorry for.  

For the stuff I am sorry for I also write loving reasons why I did those things, the positive intent behind it.  Trying to do the loving your sins approach  

Feels like it works!  The more love you feel, the less "bad" things you end up doing.

[Nexeternity]

This morning I did this practice where I forgave everything!  Forgave my self, others, all of life in general, anything and everything heh... it was really liberating and opening and enlightening!

And I had this really cool experience where I did something I would normally be afraid of doing but I felt like I was everything and nothing and that appearances couldnt harm me so it took away the fear and I did it well!

I also had this moment where I lost approval from my coworkers for the perspective I held and I felt it trigger in my body the belief that I could be harmed, or hurt, or lacking in general if they didnt approve of me but I saw it, saw it wasnt true and it kind of let go!  The feelings of anxiety from the event just melted away.

All this stuff is so exciting!

[Nexeternity]

I am getting mini dark nights of the soul, or whatever I think that means heh

Its like fear comes up, existential dread, fear of losing my mind to the love and unity of everything, of not being able to function.

Stuff like that.

I usually just forgive my fears, remind myself that nothing I feel can harm me, that everything is love and just let it be.

Its been working out