Becoming a Fucking Badass - 8 Ball's Journal

[8Ball]

Introduction:

What is up, this is Emil. I'm a 25 year old man from Sweden and this is my journal to become a total fucking badass in life. My childhood was a total disaster where my psychotic father would beat us up real bad when he was drunk. Growing up around this really fucked me up big time and not until the age of 21 - 22 did I actually make some efforts to change the quality of my life. I came to the realization that I'm 100% responsible for everything and that I'm not a product of my circumstances. Instead I CREATE my circumstances, no matter what my past looks like.

I work as a claims handler at one of the biggest insurance companies in Sweden. I'm planning on making some major moves in life soon. I'm about to sell my apartment which I've spent nearly 15k to renovate and with the profit I'm about to make I'm hoping to gain more freedom in life. I want to work for myself, to live life on my own terms. I'm a very creative person and I love photography and film and have my own youtube channel with about 1300 subscribers. Creating videos and films is a passion I have  and I want to utilize this and put my heart and soul into my channel, to make it grow. Besides my economic goals, I have goals in health and fitness, relationships, love and spirituality. The reason I created this thread is because there are so many obstacles in my life which blocks me from achieving these goals.

Obstacles:

The obstacles in my life are many. I have taken some time to reflect upon these and to list every possible obstacle I can think of. The first step has been to recognize each and every one of them. Here I will list them in no particular order:

⦁    Procrastination. One of the biggest obstacle in my life.
⦁    Lazy and unmotivated. I'm too lazy and unmotivated to go to the gym, to perform well at my job, to make healthy dinner, to wake up early every morning, to write my book, to meditate.... pretty much everything in life.
⦁    Anxiety. This is not the type of anxiety which forces me to shy away from work, family and activities. It's more of an anxiety which makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable when I'm around people. It just doesn't feel right. This needs to change and I've already come a long way the past ten years. I'm not the same person I was back when I was 15. Back then I was a socially awkward freak.
⦁    Being a fucking pussy. On a scale from 1 - 10 where 1 is being a total fucking alpha-male and 10 being a huge pussy. I'm probably a six or seven. Sometimes I don't speak up, I let people run over me at times, and when I'm around women I kind of like, I can never be sexual with them. I'm still a virgin at 25 although I had a few shots in my life. At 22 I was in bed with a woman but couldn't get it up, most likely because I wasn't turned on by her and because of years watching porn and masturbating rewired my brain to only get turned on by really hot women doing really grotesque shit.
⦁    My father. My father pretty much tries to control every aspect of my life. Who I should marry (lol), how I should spend my spare time etc etc. I'm going to give him the middle finger and run life on my own terms.
⦁    Not being social enough. It seems like I'm trying my best to avoid social situations because I have this feeling deep inside which tells me I shouldn't expose myself like that in fear of fucking something up, like saying something stupid. I've decided that I'm not going to give a fuck about anything any longer. Really, what difference does it make in 100 years if I said something awkward?
⦁    Not feeling worthy at times and comparing myself to others. I'm going to watch Leo's video about this and really study the material.
⦁    Wasting time doing stupid shit. Some days, before going to bed, I reflect what I did during the day and it sickens me when I realize that I didn't do anything productive. I didn't learn anything valuable or spent time with people I care for. I want to get the most out of my day otherwise I'll be 40 before I know it and realize that I've spent all my life doing nothing.
⦁    Not having a clear defined path each day. I don't know how many times I've done "to do lists" only to realize I did half or less of them by the end of the day. I simply cannot live a life where I wake up 20 minutes before taking the train to the office, spending eight hours at work doing a shitty job not conversing with people only to come home around six pm to have four - five hours each day to do whatever I want to do with it. The problem is that I rarely do anything of value after work. This needs to change by knowing what I want to get done during the day.
⦁    Appearance and TMAU. It seems like my appearance also hinders  me a bit in my life. I'm not attractive but I'm certainly not one you would put a bag over the head. I'm decent but I will improve. I also suffer from a rare (and embarrasing) condition called TMAU. I basically have a bad odor and it doesn't matter how good my hygiene is, I will still smell. This is one of the major obstacles of why I can't be myself around people and why I sometimes feel anxiety. It's also one of the biggest reasons why I'm so afraid to make a move on women. Both women I've dated this year has commented about a smell. It's such an absurd and ridiculous condition to have. Search for "tmau" on google and read about this. Really bizarre. A good clean diet, exercise, no dairy, plenty of water, black tea and a bunch of other things seems to lessen the symptoms somewhat, but I've yet to find something which rids me of the  smell completely.

Achievements 2017:

Despite everything I wrote above I feel pretty good. On a scale of 1 - 10 I'm a six so I'm not the happiest dude around and I'm certainly not depressed. 2017 has been the best year of my life and 2018 will be much much better.

The things I've done this year so far:

⦁    Got a new position at work with an increase in salary
⦁    Became a vegan which seems to lessen the smell of my incredibly fucking embarassing odor problem haha.
⦁    I had two traditional dates in 2017, which is something I never thought was possible. Never had a date before in my life and this year I've had two? On top of that, there was a girl at work (she works at the same company, but lives 700 miles away from me). Somehow, we got in contact and met two times. She really liked me, but it wasn't mutual. She wasn't my type of gal basically. The same goes for the two other girls I dated.
⦁    Sold my apartment, made a small profit.
⦁    I climbed a mountain which was the ultimate test of my willpower and endurance. It almost totally broke me down.
⦁    I lost around 25 - 30 pounds. Could lose a few more pounds, but I need muscles man!
⦁    I skydived, wooooohoo!
⦁    I've had some wonderful and amazing psychedelic experiences
⦁    Went out and partied with friends a few times, which is something I normally wouldn't do.
⦁    Completed the renovation of my apartment, which I'm about too sell soon and the profit I'll get will allow me to get a few steps closer to my dreams and aspirations.
⦁    I've spent time with my hobbies, which is filmmaking, editing, reading, writing and doing self-improvement thingys. Even though I'm quite lazy and unmotivated, I still manage to squeeze in some time for my hobbies every now and then.

The Journal:

This journal will be a way for me to document my progress and allow the readers to get a glimpse of my totally uninteresting life. Every one of you are welcome to give me tips and tricks. I will read all of the posts and interact with you.

I will have four categories in my journal. These are:

⦁    Dating, relationships and social growth
- This category will focus on my relationships (family and friends) and how I will improve on these. I will cover if a special someone would arise in my life, how the bond between my friends and family increases and lastly, I'll cover how I'm improving my social skills and getting out of my comfort zone.
⦁    Spirituality
- My quest for truth and enlightenment. If the top of the iceberg is only 10% of the whole, I'm standing at the very very top trying to reach the bottom. I'm familiar with theory and such but now is the time to dig deep.
⦁    Health, fitness and beauty
- I will keep a journal on my progress to becoming more fit and eating better. Today I pretty much suck at cooking healthy food because I'm to lazy to get shit done like I wrote earlier. I never hit the gym because I don't feel comfortable in an environment like that. Fuck all that. It's time to stop being a pussy and get shit done!
⦁    The mind of Emil. Here I will speak my mind with 100% honesty. It can be about anything really. My mind has not limits.

My three month plan:

Initially this will be a three month plan to test the waters. I have no doubt I will see huge benefits, and after three months I can carefully go over the things I've accomplished and set new goals. Three months is the perfect time to see what goals are wishful and unrealistic. It will allow me to re-evaluate my goals to change some of my goals or up the ante on the goals I've accomplished.

These are some of my rules:
⦁    Live a much more simple life, less materialistic. This means I do not drive my car unless I really have to. It means I make my own dinner instead of going to restaurants. It means avoiding buying stupid shit I don't need. Just... keeping it simple.
⦁    Read more. I have a bunch of books I need to read.
⦁    Watch at least five videos from Leo every week. This time I will not only watch them, I will take notes and contemplate on the things I learn. I will obviously take massive action on these as well.
⦁    No sugar and unhealthy food. This means not a single drop of my beloved Red Bull drinks. I've done this before for about five months where I barely had any sugar at all. It's really hard to avoid all sugars as 80% of all the food in the supermarkets have sugar in them, but I will plan my grocery shopping carefully and choose bread which has like one gram of sugar instead of bread with ten grams of sugar.
⦁    I will never eat outside again with the exception of a few special occasions. This means I will make my own healthy lunch for work instead of throwing my money away on expensive and unhealthy food.
⦁    Work out every single day. When I'm not hitting the gym, I will at least get some cardio in there. Preferably in the morning to boost my energy level for the rest of the day.
⦁    Sleep between 6 - 7 hours on the weekdays and 7 - 8 hours during the weekends. I will try to go to bed around the same time every night plus minus an hour. I will also have to wake up around the same time each morning without snoozing even for one minute! I cannot be expected to become a failure even before waking up.
⦁    No drugs, no alcohol! Yes, I've done my fair bit of drug use, but the coming three months will be free from all of them. Not even psychedelics. Just water, coconut milk and healthy food.
⦁    Limit my use of the internet. I will use the internet when I have to, such as posting updates in this thread, watching Leo's videos and a few other things. I will no longer use the internet for browsing around looking for stupid shit.
⦁    Refrain from masturbation and pornography. This will be hard. The furthest I've gone without porn and masturbation was 75 days. Right now I'm at like four or five days. I won't even bother to keep the count. I just want to stop it all in all!
⦁    Not attempting to find a girlfriend. At times I lie in bed and visualize how my girlfriend will be like and the things we would do together. I will no longer give a flying fuck about these things. I'm doing these three months for me! To grow as a human and become a total fucking badass. My future girlfriend can wait!

There are some other rules I can write but I don't want to keep this first post longer than it already is.

What I wish to accomplish:
⦁    I intend to become much more confident. My confidence today compared with five years ago is unheard of. I've come so far, but I have a long way to go.
⦁    I wish to look better physically which my workout routine and diet will take care of.
⦁    To have a girlfriend. This will come naturally by itself, not from me trying to look for "the one". I will just lay off all attempts to find a girlfriend and one day, some place, there will be a spark with some girl I met and it'll build up from that one spark.
⦁    To rid myself of that anxiety. That type of anxiety which makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable around people. I wish to be satisfied and happy in every situation I find myself in. At home alone, or in large groups.
⦁    I want to find that inner harmony, that peace, which permeates every inch of my body. That harmony you notice when you look at certain people. You just know that they're in tune with themselves.
⦁    Raise my conciousness to never before imaginable places.
⦁    One of my goals is to sell my apartment and buy another one which I will also renovate. I'm hoping this will take place within the next six months.
⦁    Climb Mt. Kilimanjaro in 2018.
⦁    Becoming a fucking man!
⦁    Create stronger bonds with friends and family, and also to make NEW friends.
⦁    Gain more economic freedom.
⦁    Meditate for 30 minutes every night before bed.
⦁    These three months will give me a new start for my hobbies. I will spend more time filming with my camera and editing. I will read more and write on my book. I have contact with a Swedish author who released eight books in the eighties and nineties. He believes in me and finds my book rather unique and interesting. I will do my very best to write more and before I know it, it'll be finished.
⦁    Become more social and force my self to end up in social situations no matter how hard it might be. I cannot become better at socializing if I don't do it. I will stop caring what other people think (I will watch Leo's video on this topic) and just do my own thing.
⦁    I will try to reach out to a girl at my job that I kinda dig. I know, I know. You think I'm contradicting myself about the other rule I have about not trying to find a girlfriend. I'm not trying to have her as my girlfriend. She's kinda cool and I really click with her. I'd love to have her as a friend and expand my social circle a bit. At times I'm pretty nervous around her since I don't talk to girls that often, but this will change.
⦁    Take good care of my hygiene and appearance. This means I do not skip brushing my teeth or shaving. I will take great care of my appearance and people will notice this.

On top of all that, I intend to becoming a fucking badass! A man! Someone who doesn't procrastinate. Someone who gets shit done. Someone people look up to. Welcome to my thread. This will be a 100% honest look at my life and my progress. Please do post here and share your ideas with me. I'd love to hear them all. I don't know how often I will update this thread, but a few times a week at a minimum. Turn on, tune in, drop out. Let's get this party started!

Edited December 2, 2017 by 8Ball
Changed the title

[Ayilton]

Lets get started bro , What the hell are you waiting for....

[BobbyLowell]

You are so inspiring, I'm so excited to see what you can do !!

[d0ornokey]

you got this bro!!!!!!! 

[Melwyn]

I feel you bro! That´s the spirit!!!

[spicy_pickles]

Hey man, great post. 

I too am a huge pushover. I don’t stand up for myself and let people walk all over me. I’m in a relationship now with a man that is just a neurotic mess and doesn’t give a shit about me, but I’ve never had the balls to leave a relationship.  And, I look for approval and validation from others (his kids) to make me feel worthwhile. 

Excited to hear about your journey. I too am looking to grow a set so to speak in the next few months of some hard personal work.