The Mommy Struggle

[Sarah Marie]

For all you parents out there, I'd love to hear how you find balance. Up until this point I have felt I've done a pretty good job finding time to fit in my meditation and personal development. Yesterday Leo commented how I need to throw the idea of a "normal" life under the bus. I 100% understand and get what he's saying and I agree for me personally but as a parent I struggle with the following: 

• What will be the consequences of not allowing any T.V or shit food in my house? Will he go crazy when he's older and this will backfire? As of now I allow both in moderation.
• Will it affect my son not to do that traditional societal norms? 
• Things like, play dates, sports etc. the typical soccer mom things that I consider "normal" are what I am referring to.
• If I were to follow my own path, it would probably include leaving his father. Now I have created split custody, is that really what I should be doing as a parent? It feels selfish, like I should wait until he's older.

This is something I struggle and think about every day. How do I find the balance between walking my own path and creating a bad ass childhood for him? While I do think that living in a cabin in the woods would create an amazing childhood for him, I worry about him integrating later in life. I wonder how I can go on the heros journey without completely feeling like my parenting is being sacrificed. 

My therapist once said something along the lines of, "who are you to decide what path your son walks on"... Which is true, I hear it. But I cant help but think of the struggles that will come for him if I choose to follow my own path.

Any advice or perceptions welcome on this, even if you're not a parent.

[Ajax]

Good Morning, Sarah... I wrote an essay, but said to hell with it and deleted it lol!

 

I would like to let you know that you will make mistakes, might as well face it now... It's gonna happen, ain't nothing you can do about that one.

I would like to remind you that unhappiness leads to  many unintended consequences...

Children are more resilient and adaptable than you realize, all you gotta do is ensure you provide the qualities that help them prosper(love, structure, education, security, etc...).

Many of us were raised relatively "normally" yet we still struggle to fit into society, does that make us freaks?  We sense there is something wrong in pop-society and so we create our own position in life... that is a gift!

[Sarah Marie]

@d1ajax You're right, I was raised with these norms and have never felt I fit in. I've always felt different. Thank you.

[Sarah Marie]

@Pinocchio I'm getting this book now, exactly what I was looking for. Thank you!

[Emerald]

47 minutes ago, Sarah_Flagg said:

Why For all you parents out there, I'd love to hear how you find balance. Up until this point I have felt I've done a pretty good job finding time to fit in my meditation and personal development. Yesterday Leo commented how I need to throw the idea of a "normal" life under the bus. I 100% understand and get what he's saying and I agree for me personally but as a parent I struggle with the following: 

• What will be the consequences of not allowing any T.V or shit food in my house? Will he go crazy when he's older and this will backfire? As of now I allow both in moderation.
• Will it affect my son not to do that traditional societal norms? 
• Things like, play dates, sports etc. the typical soccer mom things that I consider "normal" are what I am referring to.
• If I were to follow my own path, it would probably include leaving his father. Now I have created split custody, is that really what I should be doing as a parent? It feels selfish, like I should wait until he's older.

This is something I struggle and think about every day. How do I find the balance between walking my own path and creating a bad ass childhood for him? While I do think that living in a cabin in the woods would create an amazing childhood for him, I worry about him integrating later in life. I wonder how I can go on the heros journey without completely feeling like my parenting is being sacrificed. 

My therapist once said something along the lines of, "who are you to decide what path your son walks on"... Which is true, I hear it. But I cant help but think of the struggles that will come for him if I choose to follow my own path.

Any advice or perceptions welcome on this, even if you're not a parent.

I'm right there with you. In fact, when Leo was talking about making major structural changes to his life and his reservations about quitting Actualized.org. I was like "Just Go! Do it now before you have a kid. The only person's life you have to fuck up is your own. Be radical!"

But I know this feeling very well. I've considered leaving my husband before too. But the problem isn't him and isn't the limitation. It's lack of acceptance. It's my wishing reality were something other than what it is. It's the contant crazy-making thoughts of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

I have no advice to give. Personally, I have decided to remain settled in my situation, and do personal development here and there until my children are old enough to care for themselves. If I had no kids, I'd be doing a ton of meditation retreats and nothing more.

But the good news is that I'll be empty-nesting in my early 40's, so then I will do whatever I want and not waste a second of my time. But until them, I am going to try to accept my limiting role as wife and mother, while slowly growing myself a little every day.

[Sarah Marie]

@Emerald Wilkins Thus far, this has been my approach as well. It seems easy once you're in a more limiting position to think "man, it's so easy for them to just drop it and go." But before I put myself in this position I had NO idea. 

I am 25 and my son is 2. So, I'll be an early empty nester too. 

 

[Emerald]

1 minute ago, Sarah_Flagg said:

@Emerald Wilkins Thus far, this has been my approach as well. It seems easy once you're in a more limiting position to think "man, it's so easy for them to just drop it and go." But before I put myself in this position I had NO idea. 

I am 25 and my son is 2. So, I'll be an early empty nester too. 

 

Same here. My problem is that my heart and libido are lovers of present-moment passion and not long term happiness. They conspire against my brain in the most saccharine-sweet ways. So, my husband and I got pregnant when I was 21 out of plain old irresponsibility. Ha. But I guess that was what was supposed to happen.  I'm 26 now, and I have a 4.5 year old daughter and an 11 month old son. I love them very much, but I find myself lacking the zeal and passion for motherhood that most mothers seem to have. I hope that I'm doing right by them, but I'm probably screwing them up like every other parent does. It's a bit depressing that I have such a difficult time just enjoying and being present to what's happening in my life. I fear I may one day look back and think that I really missed out on the joy of watching my children grow.

So, my advice is to make sure that your heart and libido aren't leading you away from long-term happiness, in the decisions you make.

[DizIzMikey]

Let me clear your consience a bit, im a selfish being so, in order to do what I need, research and what not I sit my baby girl in front the tv and let her watch her shows, she loves it, seems to be enjoying herself so I dont complain.

Consequences? Oh what.. those exist? Guess you have more of a heart than I do

For the wife, well i get what i want she gets what she wants, we negotiate, ill never leave her because I have put it upon myself to take care of her, emotionally we're both stone.

I figure if I can heal myself quicker, than any damage that is done can be minimized, and in fact long term wise to me this could be highly beneficial..

Kids are.. judgemental horrid little devils, expect your son to most likely from my view face challenges with any of the little demons anywhere you go. Im never having anymore mini hitlers or mini yahwehs ever again.

No tv or shit food? Hah!! If he has the sense to realize when he gets older that you made such a wise decision in his development, he will be thanking you, if not, than he should!

The father thing? That is your call...

I feel perhaps though... love in some ways is cursed by marriage. 

[Emerald]

Also, I recommend the book "The Heroine's Journey" by Maureen Murdock. I really related to it a lot.

[Ayla]

@Sarah_Flagg ,

When you come fully into the understanding of who you really are, you will also be capable to understand that your son is also that. Do what feels right, while leaving room for the "Grace's whisper" to guide you. 

A book called "Simplicity Parenting" has been recommended to me (never got to read it tho). 

 

[Sarah Marie]

@Emerald Wilkins Good point. I do think it's possible to make it work, my husband normally gives me space to be me, but naturally as I develop we feel a shift. 

I have the same problem. I do feel I enjoy my son in the moment, but my number one priority is self-actualization. Which is different from every other mother I've ever met up until this Forum! 

@Ayla I will check that book out! 

[Leo Gura]

These are difficult choices to make for sure.

But don't forget just how screwed up and neurotic your kid will be growing up under the "normal American lifestyle".

He's gonna get addicted to crap food, crap entertainment, and crap knowledge.

I don't think placing a lot of bans on things is the solution. That will only make him want it more. Instead, I would try to personally demonstrate through your own lifestyle how you prefer to live. Set the right example. Have a TV but don't watch it yourself. Have crap food around but don't eat it yourself. When he sees you avoiding all the crap, he will eventually start to wonder why and start to model you.

You can't really force kids into personal development. They have to learn the evils of modern society through direct trial and error experience. I personally learned a lot from seeing my parents totally fuck up at life. I had very little bans on what I could do as a kid. But just seeing the disastrous results of their habits and lifestyle eventually made me fully bought into personal development.

The important thing is not to set rules for your kids, but to teach them wisdom and strategic thinking skills.

And let your kids take risks, fail, and hurt themselves. That's ultimately the best teacher. Suffering is a self-correction mechanism.

[Sarah Marie]

@Leo Gura Thank you I think I have he clarity I needed.

[Sarah Marie]

@Leo Gura Plus, if you ever decide it you're going to be an awesome dad. 

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@Sarah_Flagg I have actually become the single mom living in the cabin in the woods, I don't know that it's the right path for everyone. Being single, for me, yes, (the relationship was unhealthy). Only you can decide what's best for you (your needs matter too). Cabin = isolation, unless you have tons of gas $. My almost 3 year old is already wanting to move to the city (lived in this cabin her whole life).

Education Issues: the "peer culture", food choices, etc in public schools is atrocious! That said, homeschooling an only child isolated in the forest, is a recipe for... social inadequacy, or something. The only rad alternative school is in the city. I'd like to find enough likeminded parents to start a network, or create our own school, but so far no luck. My daughter and I would have to spend 2 hours/ day driving to a car free school, seriously, (plus me having to be in the city all day too) just to avoid public school! We may have to leave the cabin....

Time  Issues: living in a cabin is wayyyy more effort. There is firewood, kindling, food to grow (or more gas $ to buy it), weather preparation, land maintenance (branches so you can drive up, etc), rodent defence, predator safety, (I could go on and on). Less personal development time for sure.

@Leo Gura So true, leading by example! I was telling my daughter & another adult that "I only watch learning TV now", and my daughter said that she only wants to watch "learning shows" too! She has always loved books, and now has a renewed love of educational cartoons (but she still wants her crap shows sometimes too). Luckily she's been raised on whole food\ doesn't like crap food, but crap knowledge is lurking everywhere! Do we try to keep our kids away from crap knowledge (how?), or bombard them with even more awesome knowledge (to tip the scales)?

 

[Leo Gura]

2 hours ago, Epiphany_Inspired said:

@Leo Gura So true, leading by example! I was telling my daughter & another adult that "I only watch learning TV now", and my daughter said that she only wants to watch "learning shows" too! She has always loved books, and now has a renewed love of educational cartoons (but she still wants her crap shows sometimes too). Luckily she's been raised on whole food\ doesn't like crap food, but crap knowledge is lurking everywhere! Do we try to keep our kids away from crap knowledge (how?), or bombard them with even more awesome knowledge (to tip the scales)?

I would just nip that in the bud by placing an strong emphasis on the limits of knowledge, discussions about epistemology, skepticism, and focus on meditation. Start that while they're young. And practice it every day yourself.

Not an ideal solution. Lots of crap knowledge will still infect their minds, but that's almost unavoidable unless you live outside mainstream society.

The focus has to be on instilling healthy values and a capacity for self-governance. Governing your children will make them mediocre. You have to show them the value of self-governance as a way of life.

[DJ]

On 2/24/2016 at 10:43 AM, Sarah_Flagg said:

What will be the consequences of not allowing any T.V or shit food in my house? Will he go crazy when he's older and this will backfire? As of now I allow both in moderation.

I agree with Leo and that you should lead by example. I have 2 girls (5 and 12) and you learn things after the first one. My oldest is the picky crap food eater. That may or may not be because I tried to force her to eat healthy. My youngest eats very healthy and that is probably due to the fact that I gave up control and let her eat what she wanted. She saw me eating healthy and would choose carrots over chips etc.

 

On 2/24/2016 at 10:43 AM, Sarah_Flagg said:

Will it affect my son not to do that traditional societal norms?

I believe that there are some beneficial norms. I had my oldest daughter into martial arts which she loved. She now shown interest in the piano which I think is great. I'll be signing her up for piano lessons soon.

 

On 2/24/2016 at 10:43 AM, Sarah_Flagg said:

If I were to follow my own path, it would probably include leaving his father. Now I have created split custody, is that really what I should be doing as a parent? It feels selfish, like I should wait until he's older.

 

That's a tough call that only you can make. I will speak for myself in that I've been there. I wanted to leave my wife but I thought it would be beneficial to the girls if I stuck around. Looking back, this was a bad decision on my part. It only created  tension between us which the kids can sense. I finally came to a breaking point and had to leave. It was the most difficult decision of my life at the time. It was far from easy and I was severely depressed and felt like I had failed my girls but that decision ultimately led to my path to personal development. So looking back, it was the best decision! 

 

I still struggle with the whole nature vs. nurture debate. There are examples of good kids and bad kids for both sides of fence. So who really knows? I believe that all a child needs are the basics. Food, shelter, unconditional love, knowledge and leading by example. They will find their own path in life. For instance, on the weekends that I have the girls, at dinner time, I prepare a discussion along the lines of personal development at a kids level. I've gotten some examples from Leo's videos but obviously not getting too deep on them. Its to the point now where they look forward to our discussions. 

[Sarah Marie]

@DJ @Leo Gura I agree. This is what I've been doing so far. I do lead by example. I do however have some rules such as not eating candy at 8:30 and night with his father. It makes bed time a bitch. 

He and I are currently split up, I struggle so hard with the idea of only seeing my son 50% of the time. 

The rest is easier, I've known what I needed to work on (and have been working on it) for a long time, I know what went wrong and I know what I need to do to become the best version of myself now. 

Thank you for saying that it was the best choice for your girls. I'm loosing sleep thinking about my son.

[DJ]

5 minutes ago, Sarah_Flagg said:

I struggle so hard with the idea of only seeing my son 50% of the time. 

That is by far the hardest part. It takes time, but everyone will adjust. 

[Natura Sonoris]

@Sarah_Flagg

Just a reminder.

Remember the fact you are seeing your son as one part of yourself.

This might sound little weird but give it a thought. Everything you know about your son or your husband is all inside your mind. Your mind is formed by all of your experiences and beliefs you got thru out your life. So in reality you do not actually ''know'' your husband or your son, you are just seeing part of them being filter by you. Which means you are actually seeing you in your son. For me, this is one of best insights i got for myself.

So be mindful that all the stuff you want to do with your son reflects some parts of personality. I know this is obvious to people when they get mature but trust me, i learn each day about myself just keeping this in my mind. I just observe how i see other people around me. That gives a major clue about what you should do because you are aware in the moment why are you doing it  

This can be crucial for you since you want to be best mom possible  

As for cutting stuff. There are always consequences, nothing is always perfect. He will have some social struggle but here.. take a look. What part of your personality is doing all this ? It is fear. So follow your guts and see what happens.. if social struggle happens, tell your self that you will be able to work it out with your son. And yet prepare it wont work. Also prepare for the fact your son will hate you one day because he is different than other kids. Don't allow black white thinking. If i do X , Z will happen. There are many letters in alphabet 

I will give you my example...my mother had a really bad childhood. Uncaring mother and father who was drinking. Father was not abusive but still she was afraid of him. Her idea with me was to be super protective, loving and caring. This happened because i was born with the umbilical around my neck. She was in fear mode most of the time and she did things that really fucked my in childhood. I worked out many of those stuff in past 3 years but there is still long way ahead. Anyway that resulted me hating my mother's voice. I hated that bubble she placed me as a kid because i could not face my fears as i should. I got bullied a bit in school because i was spoiled (and it was huge social difference, i was coming from very wealthy family and all other kids had family problems with money because our country was fucked up in that period). Worst thing is i did not have a strong father figure as kid since my father was working all the time. That resulted in me rebelling against my parents like smoking weed every single day. Along with all that, because of all the stress and some other factors, before i even got to high school , my brain tumor started to grow. I became really aggressive as it grew. After i finished high school, everything faded away since i got more mature and i found Leo's videos.

But when you think about it, my mother only wanted best for me. But the problem was that she was operating from fear. If you know by now, if you try to do accomplish anything in life, if you are negatively motived toward it, you gonna 100% fail one day. It is like my sister telling me she needs to check herself on the beam scale each day after she exercises because it gives her motivation to keep on losing weight. The problem happens she sees that nothing changed  She gets upsets and quits. And why i explain her that she cant expect change like that, expect long term commitment, she just says : Ye ye ye you are the smartass. Yep.. the smartass who goes to gym every week and eats raw veggies he never wanted to even taste his entire life.

As @Ayla mentioned, know yourself and you will be your best possible version of you, You can not be the best mom in the world , you cant be perfect mom. Your idea of your perfect mom would just probably come insecurity that comes from your childhood. You can be only best possible version of yourself.