should one try to get a girlfriend?

[Viking]

In other words, should one just go around his life and one day he may stumble upon someone or should one deliberately try to get a girlfriend? 

I feel like a relationship should arise naturally, but at the same time the chance of that happening is very small.

Most of the day I study (going to lectures, doing homework) and in my free time (about 2 hours a day are free of studying) I do self development stuff (reading, watching videos, contemplating), so to get more free time I have to sacrifice self development.

One of my biggest fears is wasting time, and I feel like if I dont do self development or study my time is wasted, so I never go to places where I might meet girls, ever. I also dont find interest in these kind of places.

I am most of the time alone and ok with it, im not lonely, but I wont lie to myself, I do have a certain desire to have a girlfriend.

I think my course of action should be just continuing what I do, what are your thoughts on it?

[Spiral]

@Ilya If you want something work for it.

[Viking]

@Spiral personal development is more important to me than having a girlfriend, but the desire to have a girlfriend is still there, how do i deal with that desire?

and if i understood you correctly, a girlfriend doesnt "just come" I have to work for it if i want it but how? in my eyes going to places just to meet girls seems desparate, im not that desparate to do that.

also having a girlfriend as a trophy for some work kind of seems unnatural and not as romantic, defying the purpose of doing the work.

so from that i guess wanting a girlfriend in the first place is unnatural.

So the REAL question is how do i deal with that desire?

P.S. Lol actually while writing this I remembred some talk of osho that having a girlfriend is not what I really want, but what I really want is to feel love, but the way to get that love is through personal development, therefore having a girlfriend is just a bonus, and if it happens it happens and theres no need to pursuit it. the real question still remains though,  can i project that desire into my personal development or how do i deal with it?

[aurum]

13 minutes ago, Ilya said:

personal development is more important to me than having a girlfriend, but the desire to have a girlfriend is still there, how do i deal with that desire?

You get a girlfriend.

One of the main reasons for doing this work is that you can produce any kind of results you want in life.

Want to be a millionaire? You can do it.

Want to travel the world? You can do it.

The idea that you should sacrifice getting a girlfriend just so you can do personal development is completely missing the point. Even Leo has a girlfriend.

Here's the new question you need to ask yourself: why don't you feel you deserve a girlfriend?

[Viking]

@aurum When I say personal development I mean the higher level of personal development, spirituality. This is all material stuff, I want the good internal stuff.

Edited November 25, 2017 by Ilya

[aurum]

11 minutes ago, Ilya said:

@aurum When I say personal development I mean the higher level of personal development, spirituality. This is all material stuff, I want the good internal stuff.

I get it. And I do believe you.

But I also believe you’re avoiding what’s a very obvious problem.

Where’s the fear?

[LaucherJunge]

@Ilya
I feel like I also was in the dilemma you are at the moment, I think some people just don't get how much out of the way some people have to go and how unauthentic they have to be to pursue a girlfriend.
What I found out today is that I actually still had loneliness inside me and finally managed to trigger it, because ultimately it is always (hidden) loneliness that triggers this desire, stop resisting your loneliness. Just do a long meditation where you try to bring your loneliness out to the surface, get creative on how to achieve that, even if it takes approaching/texting a girl and getting rejected. When you finally get it out just unconditionally be with it, make it your meditation to feel it, even if it is painful, you will be glad you did because the desire will drop immediately after that, of course it will be coming back eventually you have to just keep doing the work and drop resistance.

[Alexo45]

No. 

[Spiral]

@Ilya

Sure, being needy is bad, but getting a girlfriend can grow you a lot if you never had one before. I would not consider the desire unnatural, you are supposed to biologically. 

Edited November 25, 2017 by Spiral

[Pelin]

@Ilya I never tried to get a boyfriend, especially a hypothetical one. And my school and workplace has always had a majority of females and married/taken/homosexual males, so in that manner we are similar. I've never been in a place where I could meet a potential boyfriend. And I actually wanted a boyfriend when I was a teenager but never worked for it. I was too insecure and my body language I think showed that. When girls worse looking than me had boyfriends/dates, I spent all high school and university alone (I had friends but no relationships).

When I started to become more self-confident, and accepting the fact that I'm not incomplete without a boyfriend actually helped me start a relationship. My first relationship and the second one (now I'm married to the second boyfriend) were completely different and showed me there are basically two types of relationships:

1. ones that are out of need: You feel lonely, needy and helpless. You need someone to take you out of this rut, this vicious cycle of loneliness. You have all these emotional and sexual needs. You need someone could fix these needs. Sensual needs (not only sex, but touching and the presence of someone) can be more easily catered for but you also expect this person to feed you emotionally. Trying to suck energy from your partner at the end results in breakup in the best case scenario, or abusive relationships and even violence in the worst case scenarios. Both parties feel like a victim because they only want to get the energy, not give it.

2. ones that are out of love: You understand that only you can help yourself, and although you can't fulfill your sensual needs on your own, but you can raise your consciousness and feel that you can love everything, not only a human being. But if you are lucky or if you look around carefully, chances are you meet someone who can experience love like you, and together you can go for something higher. This is what happened to me, and I wasn't looking for it, I literally wasn't looking at him when we first met in a big crowd. I was lucky that he could see me. (and he wasn't looking for a relationship either, he actually left a week later, we had 7 hour time zone difference for a year.) Despite all odds and though we weren't looking for anything -or maybe because we weren't looking for anything- we had found each other just fine. 

I really believe the best things come when you aren't looking for them, and love shouldn't be an ego game. When egos get involved, then everything gets messy. My best advice can be continue your spiritual growth and along the way if you meet someone, fine. If you don't, then it's not worth getting into relationships just to fulfill the sensual needs. Or admit that this is just for sensual needs and don't try to suck your partner's emotional energy, and don't let people suck you just because you are their boyfriend. One last thing, personal development is indeed, personal, so also don't try to involve your future girlfriend/s into this unless they are really interested, too.

[Viking]

@aurum I definitely have a fear of approaching girls. This fear is part of a more general fear to make people uncomfortable. Im trying hard to do my best to not interrupt people's lives for the worse with my presence and from that sometimes fear is created, so by approaching girls I fear I might make them uncomfortable. But that does not affect my desire for a genuine relationship, because approaching women doesnt bring those genuine relationships. I tried that before and I realized I just dont want it that way, I want it to be authentic. I tried tinder, had a few matches and was simply disinterested after a few days. The only relationship that will satisfy me is that accidental romantic one, which is by definition by chance, so I have a desire that cant be fulfilled forcibly.

@LaucherJunge I actually did that about a year and a half ago, had my cringe, and kind of dealt with it. (I dont have any trauma from that just in case) My desire is different from the one that approaching girls will get me, as I said in response to @aurum I want the accidental girlfriend and not the deliberate one. These are completely different.

My opinion thus far is that I should just continue doing the same stuff I did until now and just live with that desire until it gets naturally fulfilled.

@Spiral As I mentioned, there are 2 types of girlfriends, and I dont want the one you're suggesting  I believe I will grow a lot from having a girlfriend but even more so If I will do personal development (spirituality and life purpose), so I prefer to spend my time on that. P.S. I was in the middle of answering @aurum and your comment brought real breakthrough  thanks

 

@Pelin Fucking amazing  . I just finished to contemplate and write out my comment and you come and say the exact same thing. You added a bunch, though  

[Shin]

2 hours ago, Ilya said:

@aurum When I say personal development I mean the higher level of personal development, spirituality. This is all material stuff, I want the good internal stuff.

Then get a girlfriend.

Doesn't matter either way, everything you encounter in your life can increase your awareness, if you decide to confront head on with the intention of just feeling the emotions that arise within instead of reacting like a robot to the situation.

Doesn't matter what you do in the end, so just do what you want, but stay conscious.

@Ilya My signature.

Edited November 25, 2017 by Shin

[Pelin]

@Ilya Just an hour ago I was looking through my journal and I found myself quoting an old green day song twice (in February and in August)

"Something unpredictable, but in the end it's right"

I was thinking why I did that.. and I came to the forum to ask this question actually, is there anything unpredictable in our lives? But while I was answering your question, I also answered my own question.

What seems accidental, arbitrary or even unpredictable is actually an accumulation of series of events (might not be linear time, might also be circular). Meeting him at that exact point required me to be ready. If I'd met him a year before that, just after I got out of my needy relationship, I wouldn't even have noticed him maybe. So from a broader perspective, nothing is accidental. Everything is happening at the correct time and place. You not having a girlfriend means maybe you need to improve until you can be comfortable with just who you are. 

[LaucherJunge]

@Pelin
Beautifully said, thank you!

@Ilya
Well, I am not really talking about a relationship with them but the baiting out of your feelings when they reject you, so that you can actually start working on the source of your problem.
That is pretty much what I did about 2 months ago. I was writing again with a girl that I found 2 years ago on a dating site and it didn't work out back then, I didn't really want to be with her actually, my aim was to bring out my feelings because she was triggering the fuck out of me 2 years ago and it worked really well, after that I already thought that I had it resolved till yesterday, now I have yet another chance to heal myself in this matter.
I guess this work never ends, never think you are done with it because infinity can never end!

Edited November 25, 2017 by LaucherJunge

[Viking]

@LaucherJunge oh so what you mean here is kind of shadow work.

do you have any guides or books on how to find fears and heal them?

and I think this work will end, you can gain full emotional mastery, doesnt mean you wont experience it, but you will be ok with it, thats the goal

[Moreira]

The problem is believing that a egotistical act of having a girfriend will enter in conflict with spiritual development.

But I'm sure your "personal development" is the perfect excuse to remain in the comfort zone, that your ego doesnt get hurt by rejection of women or disaproval.

If you learn the right "mental game" of zero neediness, abundance, confidence this will also be a personal development improvement, and even spiritual because you will aproach girls from your true self instead of your mask-ego

[Viking]

@Moreira how do I learn that?

[LaucherJunge]

@Ilya
Yes of course it's shadow work.
Fears are very tricky to deal with. I don't think there is a really easy way for it. What can work is disidentification, focus on breath or simply awareness while in fear or simply getting your shit together once and do it over and over again, no matter how uncomfortable until you realize how easy it is.

1 hour ago, Ilya said:

and I think this work will end, you can gain full emotional mastery, doesnt mean you wont experience it, but you will be ok with it, thats the goal

Get ready for another mindfuck in future then.
There is no full mastery or perfect mastery / perfect state. Improvement never ends because if it would end at some point, there would be no infinity and you could describe the Truth with just words.
For example just imagine the emotional mastery some alien race from the 6th dimension must have and still there are infinietely far away from Truth because like us they are just in this illusory world of objects, Truth can't be translated into this physical realms it simply appears as infinity. Don't make the mistake of thinking that enlightenment will make you the perfect human being, it doesen't.

[Viking]

@LaucherJunge What is meant was the saga of fears. Of course there is no perfect state and there is always something to master and learn, but fears I think could be conquered completely with some realizations.

[LaucherJunge]

@Ilya
In that case you might be right. I am not 100% sure, you never know what's around the corner after all.