I don't know if I like her but I told her I do

[ajasatya]

+1 for this:

3 minutes ago, Santiago said:

PD: already told her about all this...

also, google "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Tantric Sex"

[Santiago]

7 minutes ago, Shin said:

Then what about being honest and telling her that you're a virgin and that you need some friction with hands ?

She can do that, then you can start to do it while it's hard.

And maybe ask her if she likes anal, it's way more tight in there, it might work better than her vagina.

I already told her that I am virgin(she knew this before we kissed for the 1st time), she already knows that I dated many girls and never liked any of them, so she may have clues about allmy fears, and she knows about my prone masturbation and that I started at 8... and she is still here telling me how much she likes me, that gives me faith she will stay at least for a while to see if I can overcome this anxiety.

I can surely orgasm rubbing my penis to her body, just like prone masturbation, but I would like to cut that and start getting used to normal sex... I can also give her oral and touch her and she will be ok.

But anyway I want to be able to have normal sex, and enjoy getting oral and being inside her(haven't tried this yet).


I can try to do the same, start rubbing myself to her and when I am hard just try doing normal sex and see what happens.

Edited November 28, 2017 by Santiago

[Shin]

8 minutes ago, Santiago said:

I already told her that I am virgin(she knew this before we kissed for the 1st time), she already knows that I dated many girls and never liked any of them, so she may have clues about allmy fears, and she knows about my prone masturbation and that I started at 8... and she is still here telling me how much she likes me, that gives me faith she will stay at least for a while to see if I can overcome this anxiety.

I can surely orgasm rubbing my penis to her body, just like prone masturbation, but I would like to cut that and start getting used to normal sex... I can also give her oral and touch her and she will be ok.

But anyway I want to be able to have normal sex, and enjoy getting oral and being inside her(haven't tried this yet).


I can try to do the same, start rubbing myself to her and when I am hard just try doing normal sex and see what happens.

What you should really do, is stopping masturbation.

@Santiago It's gonna be fine, just stop waiting and do it.

Edited November 28, 2017 by Shin

[Santiago]

3 minutes ago, Shin said:

What you should really do, is stopping masturbation.

Yes I know this.

And I am kinda doing it... But today after having talked with her last night and dreaming with her.. I woke up and edged.. I didn't come because I stopped just in time but I was close..

Yeah masturbation is killing me... I have known this for a while now but didn't have enough motivation to stop it, now I do. Will see her in 4 days, I won't touch myself until then.

Edited November 28, 2017 by Santiago

[WaveInTheOcean]

Get some high quality MDMA and take 120 mg both of you while you spend an evening together. It will be mindblowing and good for you (and her too, sure).

[WaveInTheOcean]

On 27/11/2017 at 3:00 PM, ajasatya said:

huh, do you think she's clean? hahahahahaaahahahha!

open up and get ready, because she might open up too!

this is where intimate relationships start to become interesting! you might find an ally, a companion for the path of spiritual liberation.

opening up is the very step towards emotional clean up.

ajasatya hit the nail on the head here. MDMA will help you open up in ways you can't even imagine opening up. But sure, you can also try to open up sober, but MDMA is a tool I feel will really help you.

[Santiago]

8 minutes ago, WaveInTheOcean said:

ajasatya hit the nail on the head here. MDMA will help you open up in ways you can't even imagine opening up. But sure, you can also try to open up sober, but MDMA is a tool I feel will really help you.

Thanks but I am not willing to do MDMA for now, I did once at a rave and I felt more connected with everybody, so I guess it could help yeah.. But she won't be willing to do MDMA as far as I know, at least for now (we have talked about drugs before).

And I don't feel like doing drugs right now.

I will just cut masturbation, and maybe get viagra for next time I see her... I will also try to start rubbing my penis to her body like the time I came with her, and then once it's hard having normal sex.

I will probably also talk with her and tell her about all this performance anxiety.

[WaveInTheOcean]

2 hours ago, Santiago said:

Considering all this fear, the fact that I am virgin and 27 years old, the commitment phobia, and the clueless I was about what to do, maybe it's not that weird that I couldn't get a solid boner.

Now I am convincing myself more and more that I do like her, yesterday we spent a good ammount of time talking(via internet) and I enjoyed it, at times I wanted to kiss her and touch her, and I had a boner just talking to her.
She is always telling me how much she likes me and has liked me for some time now, and this is giving me confidence and letting me invest myself more into the relationship, it's helping me to open this walls around my heart and I am starting to let me like her, because I feel it's safer now to fall in love I guess.

Last night I fapped to her... not a good idea, but at least I was very turned on by her in my fantasies...

 

The problem for me is that 1 thing is fantasizing and another different thing is when she is with me, I enjoy much more the masturbation, probably because I am not afraid and I relax. When I am with her I don't know what to do, what position, how to touch her, etc.
I also have all this social pressure that I should fuck the shit out of her like an alpha male, and all that BS. And I also fear that I won't perform well and that after a while she will get bored...

Dude. You think WAY too much. Stop thinking. It doesn't help you in this case, clearly. You're overcomplicating things and overthinking everything.

Fear? Fuck the fear, it doesn't matter, it will go away by itself when you stop giving it so much attention.

27 year old virgin? Who the fuck cares, it doesn't matter.

Commitment phobia? Don't think about it. Don't think about the future. Anything can happen. I can tell from reading your posts here that you do clearly have feelings for her. Focus on those feelings you have for her (love and lust) and that's it, don't focus on anything else man!

"When I am with her I don't know what to do, what position, how to touch her, etc."

DONT THINK ABOUT IT. Just let what happens happen.

"I also have all this social pressure that I should fuck the shit out of her like an alpha male, and all that BS."

Forget your thoughts about how it should be. Just follow your inner nature and heart. As I sad focus on your feelings toward her, and don't be afraid to show them. This also includes your sexual feelings toward her, don't hide them. She's a woman, she obviously have feelings for you and she obviously want you to do whatever you feel like with her body:) Don't think so much about it, you really can't do anything wrong.

 

[Santiago]

5 minutes ago, WaveInTheOcean said:

Dude. You think WAY too much. Stop thinking. It doesn't help you in this case, clearly. You're overcomplicating things and overthinking everything.

Fear? Fuck the fear, it doesn't matter, it will go away by itself when you stop giving it so much attention.

27 year old virgin? Who the fuck cares, it doesn't matter.

Commitment phobia? Don't think about it. Don't think about the future. Anything can happen. I can tell from reading your posts here that you do clearly have feelings for her. Focus on those feelings you have for her (love and lust) and that's it, don't focus on anything else man!

"When I am with her I don't know what to do, what position, how to touch her, etc."

DONT THINK ABOUT IT. Just let what happens happen.

"I also have all this social pressure that I should fuck the shit out of her like an alpha male, and all that BS."

Forget your thoughts about how it should be. Just follow your inner nature and heart. As I sad focus on your feelings toward her, and don't be afraid to show them. This also includes your sexual feelings toward her, don't hide them. She's a woman, she obviously have feelings for you and she obviously want you to do whatever you feel like with her body:) Don't think so much about it, you really can't do anything wrong.

 

Thanks for the words, they help! I need to be in the moment and do whatever the fuck I feel like doing, you are right.

[ajasatya]

@Santiago important thing: do fun stuff together. don't think of her as a means for your own satisfaction and don't allow her to think of you as a means for her own satisfaction.

go out. meet new people. do new stuff. build a new life.

[Santiago]

It's incredible how insecure I am with all this situation, I can't stop thinking that she will get to know me better and find me boring, or that I won't be able to overcome my fear and ruin it.. My self-steem is seriously wounded...

A lot of internal work has to be done here..

In december I will finish college classes, and I will start meditation, go back to the psychologist and rebuild some of the healthy routines I used to do (eating healthier, walking in the park, being thankful, nofap, etc.), as well as looking more into commitment phobia.

[Forestluv]

44 minutes ago, Santiago said:

It's incredible how insecure I am with all this situation, I can't stop thinking that she will get to know me better and find me boring, or that I won't be able to overcome my fear and ruin it.. My self-steem is seriously wounded...

This relationship WILL end at some point. ALL relationships end. 

There is an attraction between the two of you NOW. There are lessons for you here and now. All of the "What ifs", "I'm not good enoughs" and worries are distractions from the present moment and are blocks to developing self awareness and deeper connections with another. IME, my girlfriend cannot give enough reassurance to eliminate my insecurity - it needs to come from within.

Rather than get consumed by fantasies of what may or may not happen - why not let go and surrender to the present moment? Why not let go of living in the future and fully experience now? You too have something good going. Be yourself. Have fun. Laugh. Explore. Try different ways to climax. Perhaps role playing. Perhaps pegging. Perhaps a romantic evening. Perhaps fool around in a forest. Whatever YOUR thing is as a couple. Do the journey together. That is where the magic is.

It seems like this is an incredible opportunity for you to discover and express aspects of yourself. A new freedom. 

[Shin]

You could be dead tomorrow, so all those concerns of yours are just wasted time.

Don't wait for meditation that's a trap, you'll use another excuse to start later again and again.

[Santiago]

Went out with her on friday night, had a good time, didn't have sex because of logistics, we just went out to talk, have drinks and dance.

I talked to her about my fear of commitment, that there was a part of me that liked her and another part of me that was terrified and was offering resistance, just like it has happened to me all my life. Also told her that from all the girls I have dated she is the only one I could manage to enjoy kissing, and also talking to, which is true.
Also talked about my other relationships and how I have this armor separating me from every intimate relationship, be it friends or family, or girls... 

Told her about the performance anxiety in bed, and that I was thinking too much.

At one point she brought up conversation about how she always fantasized with me (we work at the same place), and asked me about my fantasies... and the reality is that I never fantasized that much with her, I did, but not as much, and I got nervous and didn't tell her this... I just told her what I fantasized about when I was fantasizing with her, but didn't tell her how much I fantasized with her..

She also told me things about her family, some heavy shit, her family is completely disfunctional, and also told me about her home, how it is not very well taken care of, the walls have holes, etc. etc.. probably things that make her insecure.

 

The rest of the night we had a great time together, had drinks, danced, made out a lot.

 

I still think there is something wrong with me, with how I feel people, it's like I feel disconnected or I am not fully there.. for example when we are making out and touching each other some times I open my eyes and I see her with her eyes closed and a big smile, like she is really really into it, or when we were at the dance ground, against the wall, kissing and rubbing against each other.. she looked like she was feeling super super good, and I was enjoying it but not as much as she was..

I don't know.. I also sometimes feel like I could go far away and stop talking to my family and I wouldn't miss them or feel the necessity to talk to them... like there is something missing from me..



On the other hand I have no libido.. this has been the case for some years now. I thought it was for fapping everyday, and it could be, since the 2 times I could go over 2 weeks on nofap my libido was back(but it disappeared as soon as I went back to fapping). But now I am with a real girl in front of me, touching her and kissing her and I am not super aroused.. I get a boner from the rubbing yeah, or sometimes just talking with her, but I don't know, it's a low quality boner, not like I am super turned on... I feel I should be more aroused.

I also noticed how I am super obsessed with this, and always am checking if I get aroused around her or not.

 

I still am having doubts about liking her or not. Because of how I see her enjoying A LOT when she is with me and I am not on the same level I guess, and the libido problem also brings doubts..

[Santiago]

Update:

Still dating her and I am enjoying it, I like her and she likes me, we have sex but also enjoy talking and kissing.

I've managed to stop overthinking and enjoy the present moment when I am with her, this was KEY. I started going to a gestalt psychologist a month ago too, it has helped me with the overthinking problem.

She has been very supportive with my "don't know what I feel problem", I made her understand what was going on and how it happened in all the aspects of my life and not only with her(I am starting to feel things anyway, i think..). I also am very supportive with her insecurities (and she has some deep problems too).

So yeah problem solved so far!


Thank you all for the help!
 

Edited January 29, 2018 by Santiago