Ego & Identity Holding Me Back?

[kieranperez]

So I feel a bit conflicted right now. I'm retaking the Life Purpose course but as I'm doing so and really focusing in on the questions like 'what do I TRULY think will make me the most fulfilled in life,' I'm really taking a different view now where I'm slowing down actually to contemplate that question a little bit. Before I would jump to the answer I'm used to giving which was my passion for running. However, when I think deeper and really broaden my thinking beyond my current life experiences and take into account all that I've learned from @Leo Gura, I'm starting to see there's more to that question that I haven't been noticing up until now. I've always answered important questions like that based on what I've been exposed to in my life thus far. The more consciousness work and meditation I do though now (especially now that I do it every single day no matter what) the more I can see and intuit there's so much more to life and what can make me fulfilled than what I've been exposed to thus far. Especially given the identity I've constructed for myself over the years along with all the beliefs I've created around this artificial identity. Now I'm starting to see how consciousness work for example can be an even greater means to even higher levels of fulfillment than I've ever been exposed to thus far and what I've ever thought possible. After this insight, I decided to re-watch the video on becoming a modern sage and I really felt and could really get a tiny glimpse on how that can definitely be the greatest vision a person can have and "accomplish" (I use that word loosely). Despite these profound insights though, I almost feel like these realizations are "coming up too fast." Like, my current sense of self is so alarmed by such realizations are possible visions for my life that I feel this inner conflict and serious resistance. These concepts and new "goals" are so 180 degrees different than what I've always pursued and identified with that I almost feel put off by them even though I know I'd achieve a quality of life I never thought was possible, much less how much more fulfilled I know I'd be than if I stuck to my current paradigm and goals and such. It seems like such a change in lifestyle than I think I may be ready for. On the other hand though, I have a feeling that may be just an ego-defense mechanism.  

What are some of your thoughts on this? Not asking for someone what to do necessarily. I certainly would love some thoughts and suggestions and points of view on what you may do if you were me though and how you might go about this dilemma. Does this seem like it may actually be a defense of my ego to prevent change? Hell, I even feel this conflict in my desire in the pursuit of Enlightenment. 

[the_train_driver]

I think it's an ego-defense mechanism.

I found your thread through Google, because I was just thinking the same thing. I'm starting to believe the idea of identity is our brain's defense mechanism of keeping ourselves in our comfort zone, because it brings predictability and that brings safety. But we don't need safety anymore. The problem starts here because, no matter what you tell yourself, the part of the brain that strives for certainty will still fight for it and it'll remain, whether or not you take the journey.

[B_Naz]

Go deeper and deeper, FEEL THE DILEMMA. LOVE THE DILEMMA. That's what I would do. Sometimes, you gotta just stop thinking/understanding from your memory/knowledge and just go even deeper.

I would say "fuck this uncomfortable zone I'm going to go deeper" inception style

It seems that you made so much progression, and I do think it's the homeostasis affect. You're in your comfort zone and you say your life has quality now. Becoming a modern-sage is a rough task to do, and it's uncomfortable. That's why I put awareness on it and just say fuck it, go deeper.