It’s Time For A Massive Change.

[spicy_pickles]

I have spent the last six years meeting someone else’s needs. Making them happy. Solving their problems. I’ve neglected myself physically and mentally. 

Here I sit, a good 20 lb overweight. Neglected my health, haven’t taken care of myself at all. Made sure I spread myself thin to make others happy. 

This comes to an end today. 

As some of you probably read, I’m in an unhappy relationship. I know what needs to be done. I know what I have to do. Perhaps I’m moving more slowly than others would like. I have a friend who wants me to leave right this minute without being financially independent, or mentally prepared, for that matter. I know what needs to be done, and I’m working on it. It kind of makes me realize that this is exactly what I’ve been doing through all this - doing what everyone else wants me to, as opposed to doing what’s right for me. 

So, I will take care of myself. Exercise and eat better. Thats step number one. I will stop trying to please others. I will look out for myself first. I will not feel bad about this, because I am worth it. I will not be there just to meet the needs and wants of others. They can figure that out themselves. I will say NO more often, but say YES to myself. 

 

[spicy_pickles]

Day 1. 

I ask myself the question - who am I really making happy, anyways?  Is it me, or the person who I followed what they wanted me to do. Is it me, or is it the person I’m giving my time to. If I say no, will that person be mad at me?  Will they say bad things about me?  What will happen if I choose what I want over what they want? 

That question has bothered me for as long as I can remember. I would do what others wanted just to make them happy and create peace. 

I think I really had to force myself to just say no and go through the uncomfortable feelings that brought. It’s become a hell of a lot easier now, that’s for sure. Not to mention, I feel a hell of a lot better. 

As I am making my way through this sometimes difficult journey, with the end goal in sight, I have to trust what is right for me, and not what others think. I’ve been given oodles of advice, some very good, other making me feel uncomfortable and stuck. My self-actualization journey is mine, and I feel as though if I work on every aspect, as opposed to ignoring some for the time being, I won’t get the full concept. For example, I am working extremely hard on financial freedom. That is something that is very important to me right now. Well, the advice of “don’t worry about that, just go ahead and do this, that and the other thing, and who cares if it sets you back a couple years financially” doesn’t exactly work for me at all. 

Learning how to do what feels right for me, but still taking those steps into areas of discomfort, is what I think will work in the long run. 

[spicy_pickles]

Day 2 and 3. 

There are things in my life that serve me no valid purpose any longer, and when I look back, I realize that they never really did address anything significant. They were not helping me improve. If anything, they were holding me back or attempting to turn me into something I was not. 

I realize I used these things as crutches, stumbling through life, looking for some kind of support. But it was a hamster wheel. I wasn’t addressing self improvement, I was looking for an outlet to blame all my problems on.

In the past three days, I’ve made exercise important to me. I’ve chosen healthier foods. I’ve decided who to keep in my social circle and who to let go. I’ve stopped wasting my time on things that serve me no purpose. I’ve chosen books to read that will eventually help me improve. 

Slowly, but surely. 

[spicy_pickles]

Day 4 

I feel great this morning. Had a good workout last night, said no to booze. Loaded up on water and tea. Ate healthy. 

More importantly, I’m working on self-actualization, enlightenment; mindfulness etc. Acknowledging how I feel. Not pushing it away. 

Small victories. 

[spicy_pickles]

Day 5

I don’t feel like doing something and that’s ok  I don’t want to hang out with you and that’s ok  I wasn’t put on this earth to please you, so deal with it.

Pretty strong words for a people pleaser.

I have always thought if I don’t do something, I will disappoint someone  I will upset them.  They will hate me.  If I say no to this time they invite me out, they will never invite me out again.  I had better please them or else I’ve made enemies.  

I’m fed up with people pleasing.  I want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it.  I can make decisions for myself and don’t need someone pushing me to do something they feel is right/wrong.  

If someone discards me, oh well.  I can’t be bothered anymore.  I can’t go back to those days of grade school when I tried to make them like me again.  I have to focus on me and solely on me for a very long time now, because I’ve always been focused on everyone else’s needs  

 

[spicy_pickles]

Yikes. Haven’t updated this in awhile. 

I have decided that I am going to severely cut back on alcohol consumption. I like a nice cold beer, I love a glass of wine with dinner. I had two beers today and feel absolutely disgusting. 

I’m going to set some goals, small steps, to achieve this goal. No alcohol tomorrow. Not even a dinner time glass of wine. Nothing. One day at a time. 

[spicy_pickles]

No booze today. 

Even though I’d usually reach for some drinks to get rid of these feelings, I’m not going to drink. Nope. Not going to. 

Instead, I will take the time tonight to feel these emotions, recognize them, accept them, and move on. 

 

[misko55]

Keep up working!!

If I may try to help a bit. I have kicked some addictions before.

What I have found to work the best is to replace the addiction with something healthier or move slowly towards there. I used to love Coca-Cola, I switched to orange juice and those powder ones , than to water with strawberry taste or what evers and now I drink only water.

And second, don't deny yourself. When you deny, you spend a lot of focus on that and you want it more. With Coca-Cola I forbide myself from buying it, if someone offered I would drink it. Today I haven´t touched it in months and it doesn´t taste too good either.

I hope this can help you, experiment and find what works for you!!!

[spicy_pickles]

Yesterday - 100% dry. 

No booze. 

Self development podcasts and videos. 

Heard a really interesting way of approaching things. Instead of becoming anxious or worried, I thought - “bring it the f*uck on. Let’s see what you got. 

[spicy_pickles]

Made a good, but difficult decision today. 

Keeping with the plan of getting my finances in order, I started cutting unnecessary spending today. I had to give up a monthly subscription that I really enjoy, but it’s going to save me $40 a month  

Its not much, but it’s a start. And it was difficult to give up too 

[spicy_pickles]

Thank you - for opening my eyes to shadow work. 

I fear rejection. I fear loved ones being taken from me. I always chose men who were below my standard because they came across as nice and took care of me (blah blah blah). Then, I never had the confidence (and still don’t) to leave a really bad and disrespectful man, knowing fucking well I can do so, SO much better. 

I just want to be this shining star that everyone adores, so yeah, I rejected MYSELF in order to make others happy. 

I REJECTED MYSELF. This is why I fear rejection and get anxious I’m going to be rejected because I reject myself. 

If I didn’t reject myself, I wouldn’t feel so strongly about this. It wouldn’t bother me so much. 

But, I don’t take care of myself. I expect everyone else to look at me like I’m some sort of superstar. I’m this insanely amazing person who everyone adores.  I have no clue why I still imagine myself like this because when I’m being some insanely amazing superstar to everyone, I am fucking exhausted. 

 

[spicy_pickles]

Even more with this:

- I would get mad when people wanted something from me right away. 

- I may have not been nurtured enough as a child and therefore feel like I need to people please or have others appreciate me.  

- when I’m not included, I feel rejected and left out. It’s something against me. 

[JohnLeyo]

We need to change the way we do things. We need to change our thoughts on things. We need the human interaction, human touch for the things we do. And whatever we do, we should do it passionately,.not for the sake of just doing and completing the work.

[spicy_pickles]

Big. Massive. Progress. 

I had a major breakthrough tonight. I was aware and conscious. I didn’t let emotion take over. And that alone gave me more clarity than I’ve ever had in my life. 

I am doing this. 

I didn’t let them get me down.  I didn’t let them trap me. I stood my ground. I didn’t let emotion take over. 

I did it. Major step for me. 

[spicy_pickles]

Pinpointing to when the balance shifted. 

I was trying to figure this out just now. When did the scales shift?  When did the balance shift?  What caused me to go this path?  

I now know. 

I was feeling like I was spinning my wheels. My last therapy session was a bust, or so I felt. I was so depressed after it. It felt like I couldn’t even talk to my therapist. She didn’t understand. Friends were telling me to do things I wasn’t comfortable doing. I was paralyzed with anxiety, fear, shame, etc. 

So, I let go. I just let go. 

Something amazing happened to me on the night of December 15th. Out of nowhere, I had this vision come to me and my body had this small blast of excitement. I don’t know where it came from. Then, the vision of my ideal life came. So, I went with it. 

This is where I’ve been vibrating since that day. Having this visualization has made me “pretend” I’m already there. That means I’m taking care of myself, because that’s what I do. I’m exercising because that’s what I do. I’m not taking shit from people because that’s what I do. 

I am amazed at how much I’ve been able to let go just by having this happen. Things that would cause me great anxiety, I’d do. People’s actions and opinions don’t matter as much anymore. It’s still a work in progress, but I’m happy to figure out how this all started.