Anger Towards Family Members

[Pelin]

Since I started self-development seriously a year ago, I've noticed that I'm quite calm and satisfied when I'm alone (or with a few people that I click). Sometimes I am on my own for several days and I feel the most mindful on those days. When I'm working, I lose mindfulness and live in auto-mode for most of the time, which I'm still working at.

But family is the one issue I haven't figured out yet. I've noticed, especially with my father, I'm usually aggressive. He basically knows me as an aggressive person but actually I only act this way around him. Through some inquiry I understand that my unresolved issue is I think he's never trusted me. When I was moving for college, he didn't believe I would make it work, he did everything to make me go to a college nearby. Even when I was 26 and doing a driving test, he asked me "will you actually be able to drive?" Many instances like this. Whenever I tried something he didn't believe in me, but he always takes credit when I succeed although I did it all in spite of him. Now I shout and yell even over small topics like what to eat for breakfast. 

So I can't seem to forgive him, and as Eckhart Tolle says:

" the more shared past there is in a relationship, the more present you need to be; otherwise, you will be forced to relive the past again and again.”

I know what I need to do consciously, but I can't seem to get it into action. Any suggestions?

[ajasatya]

@Pelin hi. i'm going through this.

the best way that i've found (it's working wonderfully) is simply being sincere. open your heart completely.

tell him that you're trying to understand why these anger urges pop up.
tell him that you feel sorry for being angry and that you regret acting like that.
tell him that you'd like to get closer and develop a healthy relationship.

stop lying. lying is easy and devastating.
if you want to build something instead, you have to struggle a little bit in the beginning. but it's VERY rewarding.

[Pelin]

@ajasatya thank you. I've tried talking to him before, but I was again aggressive and offensive I think, and that's why he got so defensive. At least I tell him I love him and I mean it, but sometimes I can't help but feeling angry. I need to apologize more often maybe, and forgive myself as well as him.

[Key Elements]

@Pelin This is a tough one. I like that Eckhart Tolle quote. It makes sense. Sometimes it's impossible for some people, like parents, to change. They won't open up. Have you tried succeeding in other things? Like making a website and earning from it? Or, not even that...just make a fancy website by hiring a graphic artist. (Later, you could figure out a way to earn from it.) I'm just giving an example. It seems like the only way for him to understand is for you to take action and he takes notice of it indirectly without you telling him.

[Pelin]

@Key Elements When I'm successful all he does is to take credit for it. When I was in high school people all paid for private lessons, courses etc. to get into a top college and pass exams, but we didn't have any money for that, so I got into the best college in the country by working my ass off, I was ranked 100th across country. At college he virtually sent no money so I lived on scholarship and gave private lessons 10 hours or more every week. Now I have a great teaching job at the university I graduated, after working at some other schools. He didn't even believe that I would get this job, and after I got it he asked if I had a great reference or someone who could get me in there easily. After all this time, he thought I didn't deserve the job, so I needed some kind of leverage. It really makes me sad besides angry. I tried talking about it but he denies it and says he loves me and he is always proud of me. If only I knew what is causing this behaviour.

Now I'm in the process of moving to another country, he's started: Why am I quitting such a great job? What if I can't find a job there? What if I fail? What if? I'm comfortable with failing, that's what helped me succeed, lots of failures in between. But even at age 30, he doesn't believe in his daughter. I think you're right that I can't change him, but I need to figure out a way to forgive him again and again. 

[Key Elements]

17 hours ago, Pelin said:

Now I'm in the process of moving to another country, he's started: Why am I quitting such a great job? What if I can't find a job there? What if I fail? What if? I'm comfortable with failing, that's what helped me succeed, lots of failures in between. But even at age 30, he doesn't believe in his daughter. I think you're right that I can't change him, but I need to figure out a way to forgive him again and again. 

You know, I could understand and relate because I had to deal with family members and others like this. I still do. I would just keep going. Keep going within yourself, and at the same time, build something on the outside to express it. (As I mentioned, a website.) I would highly recommend you find out more about startups to entrepreneurship and networking. That's the next level above a job/career. Find your life purpose. I recommended you this book in a previous post.

The next level above that is becoming a philanthropist with your life purpose. In the networking world, the word philanthropist is commonly used. Then, you start your own non-profit. (Like, Bill Gates starting his AIDS foundation.) And finally, if you incorporate non-duality / spirituality in whatever you're doing, that's the final stages. By then, I hope your father will realize that you're trying to make a difference in the world. But, for now, I would try to be selective in what you're saying to him. He might be too overprotective with you and not be bothered to open himself up to that. It is very hard / impossible to relate to someone, even within the same family, if the other family member has not lived through what you had to go through.

[Pelin]

@Key Elements thanks a lot, I think what is holding me back regarding entrepreneurship is that I don't understand how finance works, and I can't go out of my comfort zone (that is, a paid job). But hey, maybe starting over in a different country, so challenging my comfort zone is going to help with that misconception of mine (that I can't handle money). I'll definitely read the book.

Btw, do you have a website? I'd like to check it out. I do have a (mostly turkish) blog but I write every once in a while, and it only gets like a hundred or so pageviews a day.

[Key Elements]

@Pelin I'm not ready to show my website yet because I need to improve on it. There is something called organic growth when it comes to startup / entrepreneurship. It means you got to be patient to see what happens next and make a baby step decision on what to do next. If you try to improve on it too quickly without observing, it won't work. I could show you this. It's what I did so far.

See, I really think daily baby steps are important -- very, very small steps, rather than jumping and taking a huge leap and risk. To me, reading that book is an awesome baby step and trying to understand. This is also a baby step.

It's not just taking baby steps in startups / entrepreneurship, but also in relationships and everything else. It's just like learning to ride a bike. You can't expect to ride it on the first try. It's easier to break a comfort zone when you test the waters before jumping into the pool. I hope you get what I'm saying. 

[Pelin]

@Key Elements I totally get it and can't agree more. Cheers.

[Greys0n]

i think your anger will never past till he change his behavior