I've Failed At Everything

[MarinM]

I don't know how long this writing will be so I'll make long and short versions and I'll do my best to keep it on point and dont make it abstract.

Long version(how I lived before college):
SO, It's been almost 2 months since I moved in a new city to go to college and live alone. I'm 19 years old, I'm really really calm/happy most of my time. I almost never get angry or sad. Anyway, I was really hyped for college and how I'm going to grow a lot there, make my own lifestyle, make good habits and make discipline. Through my primary and high school I was learning only day before test and somehow I managed  to have good grades. I didn't have discipline at all. Most of my time in primary school and beginning of high school I was playing video games with story or just some casual multiplayer then I started playing League of Legends for few years and I couldn't play anymore of "normal" games. Every time I would start new game I would be into it for a hour or two, then get bored and not playing it ever again (I was really neurotic about that, I just wanted to breeze through game and not spend single second on story and to enjoy it). Then, around end of 2015 I first time heard about law of attraction and it was really eye opening stuff. I was reading and listening a lot about it and was really seeing it in my life, then later in that process of discovery I stumbled upon Leo's videos and it was like next level shit, I was so amazed with the information he was putting out I just felt truth behind all that (I started watching him nearly after Enlightenment videos release). I also see that through my whole life I was gravitating towards understanding of people and life. It's been a year since I started meditating (but I broke in the beginning of the process for like one month, but now I'm 8 months daily meditation with 2 days fail which I will talk in further text). So from the last 2 years my understanding of reality is huge when compared with my old understanding and I feel much more free.

To the point:
So, the last two months when I started living alone I've experienced a lot of emotional and mental shifts.
I'll try to put story in chronological order
-I was really hyped for college and how I'm going to grow a lot in new city, make my own lifestyle, make good habits and make discipline.
-Few days before moving in and when I moved I was really empty and sad (It's actually first time I was sad on my own, without any influence from other people) and finally broke to tears for like 1 and a half hours without stopping, it was really scary in a sense and I cried like 5 times tops in my life including childhood. I knew I have to cry to feel better and I managed to do it. Right after "last cry" I felt excitement (not full, since I had some sadness suppressed and couldn't let it out). 
-I started again cold showers and nofap (even tho I don't know why I stopped, I did two months cold showers and 3 months of nofap until starting again)
-When college started I was hyped for challenges of meeting new people (99% of my meetings before college were coming naturally). I was going to every person/group that goes with me on classes, it was hard but I managed to hide my fear and presented myself as a cool guy. The trick was in cold showers and morning meditations (also I did Wim Hof breathing method first 2 weeks and it really worked but I stopped it since I didn't wanted to overdo my self with new habits and I also had to do home jobs, cooking, cleaning, etc.) since those would really hype me up for life and I was managing to meet people and talk funny things much easier. I also didn't care (not fully but mostly) if I will make any new friends, since I'm really picky with people and don't want to spend time with people who I can't connect with on a deeper level, but I'm really good with everyone and I like to spend time with people (this is not contradicting itself, when I'm in college I like to spend time with people and crack few jokes but after college I don't want to call them for a drink or anything since I don't feel like I will benefit from them). All first year students know who I am and I'm really extroverted in school with everyone and this is real shock for me since I was seeing myself only going on classes, not caring for anyone, but this type of attention feels good.
-I've managed to make my meditation practices from half hour to one hour with no problem and at that time when I was doing one hour every day I had mindblowing, ecstasy type of experiences, it was peak of my meditations and I had some amazing insights.
-But, the more college is going, the more I have homeworks (I study digital art and 90% is just work and not study). I realized how neurotically perfectionist-minded I am with my work since I want to present myself how good I am at creating art even tho I'm nothing special (Through my childhood I kinda felt how amazingly creative I will be later in life even tho I'm not currently able to express fully my creativity) and it's hard to present half-assed work since I don't have much practice in these new areas (animation, graphic design) and software (adobe mostly) and that is killing me. This whole week I stayed in home to do my homework since my project I want to make takes a lot of time and I'm doing it first time ever (cut out animation) I finished 60% of work and I could have done it 4 days ago already but I don't have any energy to do so.
KEY POINT
-Last two weeks my emotions are a lot of time anger and frustration, I've missed two days of meditation (and I'm from 1 hour easily to 20 mins barely, it starts to get hard at 10 mins) and cold shower, I failed nofap (I'm fapping neurotically 4 days for now), anything I want to do I feel huge pressure for not finishing my previous work. I've purchased 8 games for Steam kinda neurotically (even tho I haven't been playing games for 3 years (not counting league of legends, but I've stopped to play it half year ago and don't want to go back to it)) *also I think this buying is because when I was younger I always wanted to buy myself new video games and games on sales and have credit card*. I started playing skyrim and I broke my waking up at 7am routine. Now, I go to sleep at like 6 am these days, and wake up 10 hours later. My food cravings are huge (I ate 4 normal size chocolates in 1 hour) and I eat every little bit and I also see how I'm doing it just to fill the emotion but I can't help it, even tho I'm skinny-fat. When I'm doing all that and having in back of my mind I have to do my homework I have "inside anger" attack and I want to "explode" or cry but I can't manage to cry at all, I just feel desperate, I want to scream fully and I can't because I don't want my neighbors to hear (and I felt real anger last time when I was in puberty, I'm almost never angry at all). When I had biggest anger attack I went sprinting and managed to let it out "70%" in that moment. First time I did something to release anger was dancing crazily, it was really intense kind of dance and I was like all over the place, I had muscles hurting next day but it also helped. I also had plans for gym when I settle myself with my habits, I also wanted/have to draw every day for this college period since I basically have that much time to be able to get a job where I will improve myself further and be able to live normally without money issues. But now I feel really stuck and can't grasp bottom line of what's happening and have no motivation to do anything. Also anything that I want to do I can't and I get stuck in a situation (youtube, facebook, games etc whatever I'm frustrated with). I hope this is just ego backlash because I reached lately my highest peak of emotional state but this is really intense and I don't know what to do and it doesn't feel like I would be able to be hyped again. I might even call this depression since this is like bottom of my emotional state ever. I'd like to hear people's opinions about this and their experiences related with college, work, living alone etc. 

[Shin]

No you didn't.

How I know ? Because you described the last two months of my life.

What do you have to do ? Nothing, you will stop naturally when enough awareness has been gathered.

Don't see this as a bad sign, a huge backslide like this isn't random. It's a sign of huge progress prior it.

Backslide are to expect, next time it will be less painful because you will know it's supposes to happen.

"Life is difficult. Life become easy once you know it's supposed to be difficult" Idon'tremembersorrybros

[MarinM]

But aren't I supposed to resist my urges when backsliding? These days I'm really beating myself up for failing at every aspect I was good at.
I also felt a kind of release and understanding when I wrote this post but everything is still same. Also your response gives me some consolation, thanks man!

[ajasatya]

@MarinM spiritual vanity is a HUGE trap. don't allow your practice to become a source of pride.

[MarinM]

@ajasatya good point but I don't plan to get enlightened any time soon

[ajasatya]

13 minutes ago, MarinM said:

@ajasatya good point but I don't plan to get enlightened any time soon

you didn't understand. the desire to get enlightened is actually a healthy and lucid desire.

what i mean by spiritual vanity is putting your consistency in a pedestal and then feeling desperately trapped in a rigid discipline that you cannot maintain.

instead, admit that you're still very mediocre and that you need to focus on solidifying ONE healthy habit at a time.

humility works better. and in fact you're just a rookie. admit it already.

edit: and ill add this. get over this pride completely already. admit that you're completely ignorant (because we all are). start slow. find a sangha and practice with them. that's what i did (and still do).

Edited November 19, 2017 by ajasatya

[Leo Gura]

@MarinM A lot of lessons there for you to reflect on and learn. The reason you're suffering is because you haven't learned those lessons yet. Sounds like you're breaking your own integrity a lot, which then makes you feel helpless and stuck.

The solution is to self-reflect, wake up, and start following the principle of right action: do the right things when they need to be done.

Re-connect with your life purpose and slowly begin getting yourself back on track, one babystep at a time.

It also seems like you're too caught up chasing states. Emotional states always come and go. You will never be able to reach an emotional peak and hold on to it. The solution is to detach from all states, grounding yourself in fundamental principles of good living.

[Toby]

Sounds like everything is really fine but you're dramatizing a bit. But I guess you will find your way. No need to fight with yourself or buy into every concept your super-ego has.

[MarinM]

@ajasatya @Leo Gura @Toby All of this is really eye opening, thanks people!

[DnoReally]

Jesus, just reading this. Literally me at the moment. Apart from tiny details I'm in the exact same situation. Wish you the best of luck man, keep up the practices and habits.

[MarinM]

@DnoReally Cheers man! Good luck to you too, we can do it!!! 

[Joseph Maynor]

Start to do enlightenment work seriously.  You need to find your authentic self.  Until you do, you're gonna suffer.  You need to peel the layers of your onion back to get some growth happening.

Edited November 19, 2017 by Joseph Maynor

[Faceless]

Desire is a movement in thought. Any movement in thought is a movement of the the ego. The desire to “become” enlightened is a progression through the realm of thought. Any movement through the realm of thought will never go beyond thought. Isn’t that what we want? To be free from the the self...

Desire is a manifestation of thought “ego”. How can we say we want to be become enlightened when we don’t know what it is to be so? Is this desire to become enlightened just another product that thought has created and projected? 

[MarinM]

@Joseph Maynor I'm currently not in position to go for enlightenment since I got no work ethic and discipline. I'm using these college years to put myself on path of mastery and gain needed discipline since I want to do ego things without being attached to it. Meditation habit will always be present so I'll keep on growing.
Also I've spent quite some time last night self reflecting and making priorities having in mind big picture. Feels like a fresh start and looks really well planned. Suffering had stopped and I'm getting slowly back on my track 

[Nahm]

@MarinM i did years of that roller coaster. It’s worth it. It’s a process of process and your consciousness is expanded from the ups and downs. “Words don’t teach”. Experience teaches. Gotta keep on keepin on. You’re headed in the right direction, i know sometimes it sure doesn’t seem like it. 99% of the population is not on a roller coaster, not expanding. You’re lucky in the bigger picture. You’re on the dance floor! Congrats! Also, 19 is rough for everyone. 

[MarinM]

@Nahm Thanks a lot for the support! Cheers!