Struggle In The Journey Towards Enlightenment

[Matteo]

Hi everyone. I hesitated for a long time to write on this forum because I’m quite introverted and shy, and sometimes when I read comments here I feel very uncomfortable. I decided to write this despite of my fear because I have many questions and a lot of confusion in general about enlightenment and personal development, and also I thought that it’s a little bit silly to be afraid to write on a forum.

 

Here is some context for my question:

 

I’m 23 years old, and I’ve been researching personal development since I was 15, with the purpose of getting over my depression and be successful with girls and money, and with a background desire of finding a permanent solution for happiness. I did psychotherapy for two years, with unclear results. Then I stumbled upon Leo’s videos, and when I heard about enlightenment it was evident to me that I found what I was looking for.

 

I tried to install a meditation habit without much success because of laziness, unrealistic expectations and lack of patience. The same goes for self inquiry, although I struggle less with that because my mind has something to do.

 

I did low dosages of 1p-lsd four times in the last 5 months, with great results. The biggest insight I had with that is that I’m not the character I picture myself to be, because it vanished and I was still there. 

 

Of all the things I’ve come across in my life, the path of enlightenment is the only thing that really makes sense to me. I really enjoy to read, listen, watch videos and talk about it, but I’m recognizing more and more how much all of that is useless without doing the work that needs to be done.

 

I’m trying to set up my life in a way that facilitates me to work towards enlightenment. That requires me to make many decisions that I seem to avoid and be doubtful about because of fear, confusion and a habitual feeling of hopelessness. I feel there are other obstacles, which are:

 

• having a hard time enjoying life in general
• being disconnected from my hearth. feelings like love are extremely rare in my experience
• not being able to recognize intuition, being stuck in the mind
• feeling threatened while interacting with people
• living with my parents in a small city in Italy. I suspect that the environment in which I live in is not beneficial to me at the moment
• not having a job, being scared of getting one
• feeling lost without a guide. I tend to put spiritual teachers on a pedestal, believing everything they’re saying without really understanding the message
• a tendency to trying to overcome frustration with spiritual practices with eating food, watching countless hours of non-duality videos and compulsive thinking

 

Right now I’m in England on a vacation for 3 weeks, I thought it could be useful to change my environment and stay away from my family for more than one week, which I never did before. Two days ago I attended a Rupert Spira meeting which was quite enjoyable, even though I’m not sure if it was helpful for me.

 

I’m on a waiting list for a 10 days Vipassana retreat in December, which I hope (if I can get in) will move something inside me.

 

Here is my question:

 

after reading this, do you have any advice on how to get myself unstuck? It seems to me that waiting for enlightenment to solve all my problems is not a good strategy, neither making decisions while being in a mental/emotional negative space, which I experience quite often.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

 

I also want to thank @Leo Gura for the kind of work that he’s doing. I like your approach and I think I wouldn’t be able to accept the idea of enlightenment if it wasn’t for you. Also your videos helped me a lot in general with understanding life.

 

 

Edited November 16, 2017 by Matteo

[ajasatya]

41 minutes ago, Matteo said:

do you have any advice on how to get myself unstuck?

why are you stuck? you didn't say what you're struggling with.

Edited November 16, 2017 by ajasatya

[WelcometoReality]

@Matteo I have struggle alot with this in the past and no matter how much research do you will never feel like you have enough. What you need to overcome is your fear of failure. Just do it man. Just do it! Whatever needs to be done, don't think about how the best way to do it, just do it.

Just do it!

 

 

[Shin]

 

[cirkussmile]

I didn't read everything because thinking your way out of this will not help. 

Relax your toes and stay conscious at all times. Think about doing meditation everyday and eventually it will happen naturally. Meditation is what you are looking for! Go very slowly and see that you have many more years to practice the art or living. 

[Shin]

6 hours ago, Matteo said:

Quote

I tried to install a meditation habit without much success because of laziness, unrealistic expectations and lack of patience. The same goes for self inquiry, although I struggle less with that because my mind has something to do.

Force yourself to do it, just 20 minutes a day. You'll do self-inquiry later, but now you have to pick one habit to install.
What is even more important than that is to watch your thoughts all the time, without judging them (and if you can't, not judge your own judgment), this isn't an habit per say, it's what needs to happen if you want to get unstuck.
Nothing will be truly solved until you bring the light of awareness on it, you may temporarily solved your problems by achieving them, but from what I experienced (and many others can confirm), is that it never NEVER fix the core problem.
You will always find another problem to complain about, that's the trick, even if you solved all your problems now, new ones will come, that's guaranteed.

Quote

I’m trying to set up my life in a way that allows me to work towards enlightenment.

You don't need that, that is a trap.
It's one of the favorite trap of the ego, to think the current situation doesn't allow for enligthenment work.
It's an internal work, not an external one, nothing has to change.

In fact, the worst your situation is, the more easy it is.
Why ? Because your suffering is a catalyst for consciousness.
You may think a nice life situation would help, but in reality, most people have that and that is why they aren't conscious, because they cling to their "not so bad" life.

You want the perfect condition to do enlightenment work ? You already have it.
Look at the past of any teacher, they all suffered greatly, this isn't a coincidence.

 

• Quote

   

  • having a hard time enjoying life in general
  • being disconnected from my hearth. feelings like love are extremely rare in my experience
  • not being able to ...

   

  All of this stems from too much past and futur, you always think about what happened and what may happen (or think won't happen).
  Of course this cannot make you happy, it's not real, and can't be, because it is either already been done, or is just a figment of your imagination.
  This is only an issue if you let it be an issue, in reality there is nothing wrong from your current situation, it can't be wrong because it already is, how could it be wrong if this is what is ?
  Could it be that a mechanism of your mind refuse to be in the present ? 
  Could it be that this very mechanism depends of the past, the futur and the struggle that stems from it to survive ?
  Could it be that you think you are this very mechanism, and this is why you struggle so much to do any enlightenment work ?

Quote

It seems to me that waiting for enlightenment to solve all my problems is not a good strategy

 

You're right, it isn't.

It isn't a good strategy, because it implies something happening in the futur, and the futur is a pure illusion of your mind.
You may think there is actually a futur, but if you look closely, the only thing that really exist is now.
The futur is in your mind, and consciousness is beyond mind, beyond time.

The only way you will realize what you really are, is in the present.
This is literally the only thing you have to do, just be in the present.
 

What's the present ?
Ask yourself "What will be my next thought".
The gap between this question and the next thought (wheter it is an image, a sound or a sentence) Is the present.

You just have to cultivate that untill it naturally becomes a second nature.
Don't chase an orgasmic experience of oneness, or something like else like this, it may or may not happen, this isn't important.
What is important is how much in the present you are living your life, everything else you hear about is just fantasies that your mind will cling to, because the default state of it is to solves problems, not to be at peace, not to be content.

 

Edited November 16, 2017 by Shin

[Ether]

@Shin Loved the explanation. It seems you are one of the few who actually knows the truth in this forum.

 

How can you get enlightned trough meditation?

[Leo Gura]

@Matteo You are talking about the need for personal development in general. This is not something to get "unstuck" from, this is the human condition you are talking about. That is why personal and spiritual development exists. It's a lifetime of learning and application. This is WHY you are alive: to grow, to break through all the traps and barriers to infinite consciousness.

This is not a chore. This is the greatest gift and joy possible.

So what you do is this:

1. You realize that there are no quick fixes, nor are they needed or desirable.
2. You commit to growing for your ENTIRE life, and for excellence in being human. Because there is nothing more to life than this.
3. You dig into the work, starting with whatever babysteps you feel are best. Meditate, contemplate, self-inquire, journal, whatever.
4. Chill out and trust that everything will come together if you just take action on the fundamentals, following the highest principles that you are learning in the videos and reading in books.
5. Enjoy the process of learning and growth, both the theory and the application, even though it will be a struggle inevitably.

[Matteo]

Thank you all for your replies.  I'm grateful for your support.