I Need An Outside Thought On This (again Lol)

[Viking]

I am 19 years old and im seriously thinking about whether to drop out from university.

I am studying physics, and honestly, I wont lie to myself or you, it is hard, not unmanagably hard, but hard. And of course I find it frustrating, not only is it hard, but I feel no sense of purpose when im studying. I feel whenever im doing homework assignments im wasting my time (which makes studying even harder). I feel like it develops me extremely little in the context of what I feel I have to develop in order to be aligned with my inner self (if that makes sense). "following your bliss" tells me I should leave that, but my intellect says that my mind might want to just go the easy way out.

Not only are my studies frustrating, but after the studies I have to serve 6 years in the army, which hell knows what unnecessary shit I will do. When I signed up for the contract I thought I was making the right choice (though I had my doubts) but now my views changed extremely much (after discovering spirituality, actualized.org). I can exit the contract and pay the money the army have spent on my studies.

My potential plan is:

getting a job to pay out the army.

completing the life purpose course. I am currently in the beginning-middle way of it. right now my life purpose is to find my life purpose I feel like everything that concerns my growth or allows me to discover my life purpose is extremely interesting.

Meditating more

completing trifinity academy course i paused in order to start the life purpose course.( paused due to lack of time )

trying out whatever I might have in my mind that interest me in some way and see if I resonate with it.

Reading self help books

watching self development/psychology videos/lectures.

I will live with my parents, which means I wont have to worry about food/shelter.

 

Please tell me how it sounds from an outsider's perspective, I really cant trust my mind on this one. this "idea/opportunity" to drop out sounds sometimes so exciting that I notice the excitement and start to doubt it because it may be too exciting to be something truthful. #DontTrustTheMind #WtfAmISupposedToDoIfICantTrustTheMind.

Thank you for reading.

[ajasatya]

4 minutes ago, Ilya said:

getting a job to pay out the army.

sounds interesting. what exactly will you do?

[Viking]

@ajasatya Anything that will pay it, as long as it leaves me with time to do the stuff I want. I could cater or work at mcdonalds or something like that.

[Elisabeth]

What kind of a deal is that with the army? Did you want to go to the army? In case you do finish physics, do they have you do military research?

Sounds scary  I don't know about your values, but I would be conflicted on that point. 

[ajasatya]

4 minutes ago, Ilya said:

Anything that will pay it, as long as it leaves me with time to do the stuff I want.

this is a very naive statement. be solid when talking about possibilities. don't go to lala land.

[Viking]

@Elisabeth In my country going to the army is required by the law, so there's a deal to study first and then serve the 3 required years + 3 for the "payment" for the studies.

It will not be necessary military research but could be, especially if my grades are high, which currently they are average more or less.

@ajasatya I see, you are right. The problem is that I never really had a job, so I have no idea how to get one. I tried simply going to places and talking spontaneously with managers, didnt work out. If im being honest with myself I am afraid of job environments, first of all because I never really had any lasting one, secondly I catered only 2 times as a waiter and it was awful 2 days (in one of them I developed hemorrhoids, which I have until today, lol TMI), thirdly when I did work I felt like I exchanged time for money which wasnt worth it at all and I always waited for the day to end.

Now, however, im more mature, spiritually and intellectually. I dont know if mature enough though.

I guess if I will choose to go that route I will ask everyone I possibly can if they have any contacts which could provide me with something.

[Shroomdoctor]

I would first finish the LP Course, before taking action, just so you know where you are heading. I did drop out after the course too.

[Elisabeth]

2 minutes ago, Ilya said:

If im being honest with myself I am afraid of job environments, first of all because I never really had any lasting one, secondly I catered only 2 times as a waiter and it was awful 2 days (in one of them I developed hemorrhoids, which I have until today, lol TMI), thirdly when I did work I felt like I exchanged time for money which wasnt worth it at all and I always waited for the day to end.

3

Well, studying a subject you like is supposed to help you do a job that's less exchanging time for money but has also meaning to you. 

Doesn't sound like physics cuts it for you though. (Didn't cut it for me exactly either, I'm finished already but I feel there should be more bandwidth to my pursuits, kind of like you describe; but I must say that doing research on nanoelectronics is much much better than serving at mcdonalds, beware. )

Maybe you should first have a more tangible plan before you leave/change majors/find a job. What is it that you're gonna try? You could indeed find yourself at your parents' couch watching videos and sinking into laziness and depression if you don't.

But you know, some people need to get totally lost before they find a direction, so don't take my opinion as an absolute. 

[Viking]

2 minutes ago, Elisabeth said:

You could indeed find yourself at your parents' couch watching videos and sinking into laziness and depression

I have that exact fear in mind. I really doubt it will happen, but that's what I think right now and I might change somehow.

I think I would use routines to avoid it, right now im waking up every day at 6 am to a meditation practice of 30 minutes, it helps with the organization.

I think there is no easy choice here, because even staying to study is a choice and maybe an even worse one.

I 100% agree that I must have a more tangible plan, but what's that doing to my motivation to study is not fun. The more I think about leaving the less motivation I have to study the less interest I have in that and the more I throw. I am scared shitless right now because there is so much unknown about every option I have right now, my ignorance just makes me anxious.

[Azote]

If I had to spend some years in the army in any case like you do, I would try to get that position in the military research.  Well, yeah, both options suck, but it's a choice between just dull job and a dull job with thinking and learning stuff about the world. 

It's hard. I've been through such desperate urge to quit school and then university (I'm a student in physics) and would always fantasize on how I  will quit and go for any viable job and then open my business etc.  I guess vision, hobbies, meditation, good sleep and sports is what helped me to go through that state. Especially sports(jogging) and good sleep.

(!however, unlike you, I consider physics as possible life purpose path)

Hope this was helpful

[Joseph Maynor]

I would get the degree.  Education is important and you will beat yourself up the rest of your life if you don't get that degree.  That's important.  The degree is a capstone to your education, at least symbolically.  I am proud of my degree, and sometimes I have nightmares of failing out of school, etc.  Then I wake up and realize that I have a degree and smile.  It's is wild what the Ego does when the Body sleeps.

Edited November 15, 2017 by Joseph Maynor

[Elisabeth]

@Ilya You're 19, are you just starting out on the studies? 

[ppfeiff]

@Ilya About to graduate this December from a bachelor Physics degree program.

I feel you with regards to your apathy towards studying a subject that feels so disconnected from your deepest desires.

Physics is undoubtedly challenging, especially if you're not interested / curious about it. I almost couldn't complete the degree because the classes demanded more and more of my attention as I moved on from freshmen to senior year, more than I was willing to give, because:

My current life purpose is filmmaker + health coach. Do you see how opposite of the spectrum this is from physics?? 

This created serious stress, because I wasn't even sure if I had the willpower to engage in such demanding classes that I had so little interest in. Grades began falling by the way-side and I had to "force" dig myself out of a deep hole I created for myself. It was some of the hardest moments of my life.

I wanted to drop out of college SO BAD to pursue filmmaking Sophomore year of college. In fact I bombed a semester because I was so set on dropping out and focusing my time on film. 

The parental units financially threatened to cut me off (my Dad literally said I'd be "kicked out onto the street" if I changed my major to film or dropped out).

Anyway, when I look back, here are the pros I experienced:

• Got a rock-solid and intellectually rigorous education in one of the most difficult subjects (sorry, I've taken psychology, film, biology, chemistry, and english classes, and none of them truly compare to the rigor of a physics core class, in my experience at least)
• Didn't have to work at a low-consciousness job to pay bills (parental units supported the Physics path unwaveringly). I saw college as a little bit higher-consciousness full time job, where I was getting paid by the parental units to not really do what I want to do, but who does as an employee at a 9-5 (not always true, but common). 
• Got to take other classes I enjoyed, such as film classes on the side (I have a minor in Film Studies as a consequence)
• Took minimum class load as much as possible each semester to have time to pursue my true interests, including film, health, personal development, etc. 
• Gave me time to think, reflect, and experience life, relatively comfortably.

Cons:

• Studied a subject I have no interest in (was that time wasted? We'll find out in time...)
• Some Debt. Fuck. This cannot be overstated and must seriously be considered.
• I'm kind of back to square 1, since the degree I have won't really serve me at all to get gigs in the film/health industry. It's as if I just graduated high school (although hopefully a bit wiser). Actually, maybe I took a few steps back, because I have debt to worry about now. So maybe I should've bit the bullet and left earlier? Maybe I'd be closer to my deepest desires today?

As for military.

Damn dude. I would not even touch that organization with a ten-foot pole. Why would you be consciously supporting an organization known to kill other human beings?

Cheers!

Edited November 16, 2017 by ppfeiff

[Edvard]

Pretty much in the same boat. Am in my 2nd semester of a bcs in physics, and starting to doubt whether I really want this... but as now there's not really any other alternative for me. There are many paths I could resonate with to some extend. Now I'm trying physics, and it's hard. But now that I've chosen it I think I should finish the degree to get a bigger picture of the subject. I think the first semesters are the most theoretical and unmotivating ones, anyway, whatever I do I could regret. Dabbling around with a debt over my head without a plan is risky... anyway, one positive thing is that what you're doing is hard - which is good training. No matter what you do there could be some resistence, because everywhere in life there will be moments where you have to do things that aren't the most authentic, even in your most authentic field of mastery. I will probably do these three years in uni, and use the time to really think about what I want. And there are some important universal skills in physics - like problem solving, important for the future. 

Also, in times of uncertainty and resistence, I think that could be a great opportunity to practice unconditional happiness - trying to see every moment for what it is - we're not starving, we have shelter, trying to stay really present. 

If you could be happy in these circumstances, there would later be nothing to fear, you could go pursue whatever you dream of, all in, cuz you know you are happy no matter what happens to you ;). Not saying it's easy, but the truth is we have all we really need, and consciousness in of itself is amazing. Just being conscious of this opportunity, and practicing it I don't think is a dumb thing.

[martin_malin]

One of my best decision in life has been to drop out of college and start my own business. It was a bold call but I had a strong vision (unlike you at the moment). Do your homeworks, complete the LP course, be patient and listen to your intuition. Eventually, the decision will impose itself. 

[Joseph Maynor]

Make sure you are making the right decision for the rights reasons.  

Edited January 21, 2018 by Joseph Maynor

[Dinesh Karki]

@Joseph Maynor Nice. People are like I hate what I am doing so, I am going to stop doing it. They think What they love is magically fall in their lap. It's doesn't work that way. 

[exhale]

I would be extremely cautious about having a romanticized vision of leaving school, with the ideal of focusing on personal development.  Particularly if you are considering the prospect of making a career out of it.  
 

Consider the idea that you can both focus on personal development and cultivate a career in physics simultaneously, for now.  Although you have the safety net of residing with your parents in the future, this may be a subconscious trap that may prevent you from evolving into adulthood, and personal accountability.  This is an equally important component to personal development to watching videos and reading books.  

Consider reflecting on what interested you about physics in the past, or what could interest you in the future.  It is possibility you could "re-cultivate" your passion for what you are doing.