Feel Lost And Empty

[RossE]

It is possible I'm slightly depressed.

Recently I've had a series of fairly strong awakening experiences, the most recent being on Sunday, which may have contributed to this.

Some context...

Meditation habit of 16 months. Began self-inquiry 14 months ago and have had many experiences of truth, including disillusion of ego and merging with God. Graduated in June this year. Began a course to be a maths teacher in August and quit 4 weeks ago. Recently signed up to a meditation teacher training course starting in January. I work PT as a maths tutor, 5 hours per week, enough for me to buy food, save towards the course and fund my limited social life. I live with my parents. Eat plant-based diet and I play guitar.

My concerns...

• I feel emotionally devoid. Nothing bothers me, but nothing really excites me either.

•my taste for a simple life died on Sunday, now I don't even see the beauty in the simple

• there is a pervasive feeling that something is not right, something is not authentic to me.

• my identity has completely gone. All the new "spiritual" things aren't even a part of me anymore. I don't know what I enjoy, what I'm passionate about, what I believe in. There's nothing there.

• there's no certainty anymore. I could wake up tomorrow feeling very enthusiastic to do my tutoring, research on meditation, to read a book, to eat some good food, but I could also wake up and feel that this is all totally meaningless and I don't enjoy. I can barely be bothered meditating right now, only really doing so to keep my streak going

• I look back on the last couple of months of my life and I have no real idea where they have gone. Did they even happen?

• I have no desire to do anything big with my life, go anywhere or get anything. I don't have anyone to impress, an image of myself to sell to people. I have no desire for girls, for lots of friends. It feels very strange and empty, meaningless.

•I've been dabbling a lot recently: yoga, Sangha nights, visiting monasteries, watching football, parties, contemplated becoming a monk, counselling, listening to classical music, reading books... none of it feels right to me and I've swiftly given up with them

There's a lot more detail and things I could add in but that's a broad overview of my emotional situation.

Just would like another POV on this and what is occuring. The only POV I have is mine at the moment. 

 

[aurum]

@RossE

What I found during my own process was that awakening often creates these intense emotional high and lows. And in the initial stages, mostly lows.

I was leaving behind old beliefs that gave me comfort. Questioning everything about who I was and what is meaningful. Repressed emotions coming to the surface. It's brutal and it can feel like you're being pounded in the ground by life repeatedly.

But make no mistake, it's a phase.

You're going to snap out of this and wonder why the hell you were ever depressed. And when you may go back to being depressed and wonder why the hell you were ever happy. Back and forth, back and forth.

That's emotions for you. But each time, you'll be waking up more and more.

So stick with it. Keep meditating and consider finding a real life mentor who you can meet with regularly to talk about this.

[Leo Gura]

@RossE Life is exciting as fuck. There's too much to do an not enough lifetimes to do it all!

What is the point of all your development and spirituality if you're not becoming more conscious of the awesomeness of life?

Yes it's meaningless in the end, but you already knew you would die since you were a kid and that didn't stop you from living. So just pick a mission for yourself and get to work on it. The point is to DESIGN your life any way you want! Go be a skydiver or pornstar or whatever. Life is the ultimate sandbox MMORPG. Why do you need some sort of externally enforced meaning? Create your own! Be a creator! Be an artist.

The problem is that you haven't designed your life purpose.

[RossE]

@Leo Gura No point really. It has removed a lot of shit from my life but has lead to me restricting myself too much and using my experiences of truth to justify spiritual nihilism.

I figured enlightenment would bring lasting peace and happiness that I've been searching for my whole life. 

Some days I do feel that life is incredible, in a way that would be impossible for me without meditation. It's extremely variable.

I have a LP, and the work on it comes in waves, but I don't feel too passionate about it. I should go do the last piece of your course for inspiration.

 

[RossE]

@aurum 

How did you find your sense of purpose and find enthusiasm for what you do? 

I have been searching for it, but can't find it. Keep searching?

[Girzo]

Nihilism is assigning negative meaning to no meaning. True spirituality is assigning no meaning to the lack of meaning. You know, it's all about perspective and you can change yours, you just need to put some mental effort and it starts to work like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[guillaumeS]

I was a contemplative / artist guy before. Thinking too much, acting too little. I changed that.

I started personal development from scratch some months ago. No mentor(*), no coach, just reading random articles on the internet. I did projects. Many are gone. Very fews tangible things are left behind. Does it make my life meaningless? Hell, no. I realized that doing projects / changing small meaningless stuff in my life makes me happy. I feel like living. Now I am never thinking too much. You can do the same. Don't allow negative emotions. I am telling you about me because as I said I also was kind of contemplative taking few actions. I was scared/protecting myself from others judgment. You can change that. A good way? Find happy and motivated people. They are the best. Whatever you say, they understand and push you to changes.

(*) I still want to discover Leo's content once I will be more mature with myself. I feel that I will get the most of it then.

Edited November 15, 2017 by guillaumeS

[Leo Gura]

13 hours ago, RossE said:

I figured enlightenment would bring lasting peace and happiness that I've been searching for my whole life. 

I highly doubt you've experienced true enlightenment.

There is further to go!

[RossE]

@Leo Gura Yeah, but that was my original motivation for pursuing it.

[aurum]

@RossE

That's a big question.

To simplify, I'd say part of it comes from suffering. As much as I don't wish it on anyone, suffering does have this capacity to strip away everything that doesn't really matter and show you what you actually care about.

Another part of it is my choice of influences. I constantly surround myself with passionate people and it rubs off.

But really, I would say that you get to a point in this work where you just can't help it.

How do you have the enthusiasm to eat? You just do.

 

[Leo Gura]

21 hours ago, RossE said:

@Leo Gura Yeah, but that was my original motivation for pursuing it.

Happiness is the wrong motivation. That's a petty, selfish desire.

The right motivation is Truth for Truth's sake. Because you want to know what reality is. Don't you?

You should be willing to die for it.

Think it through. There is no human activity or experience which can compete with understanding the source and totality of reality.

Break out of your daze and just commit to Truth.

[AlwaysBeNice]

4 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Happiness is the wrong motivation. That's a petty, selfish desire.

The right motivation is Truth for Truth's sake. Because you want to know what reality is. Don't you?

You should be willing to die for it.

Think it through. There is no human activity or experience which can compete with understanding the source and totality of reality.

Break out of your daze and just commit to Truth.

I never hear that and that sounds really odd, happiness petty? Selfish? What's wrong with happiness? Or selfishness for that matter, especially regarding your own well being.

 think happiness is the only real driving motivator at stake actually, for all beings.

Also, what is truth anyways?  People might have very different views on that, when you say, 'want to know what reality is', that does nothing for me, even as an intellectual type, maybe because it's obvious to me that it is what is is, experience. And to me it sounds like a trap to even want to know more the only thing regarding 'what it is'  can only be a concept/thought.

Now, I must say that I do have a consistent curiosity for who I am, which can be said to be the same thing, but also for happiness because finding out who I am involves opening/relaxing.

[RossE]

@Leo Gura Having experienced truth, I know that the scale of this just completely dwarfs and obliterates any of my concerns regarding it.

I can't lie about my original motivations before I'd experienced anything though.

Thanks for kicking my ass - I know why you're doing it.

[RossE]

@aurum Thanks. I do have a dream, but it has been obscured lately.

You know,  I just have to accept this shit that's coming up. Big picture, it means nothing at all. It's just part of the journey.