Dealing With My First Ever Breakup

[stevegan928]

I'm currently going through my first ever breakup and the worst part of it is that I'm still roommates with her and we sleep in the same bed. She quickly started dating other guys and sometimes tells me about a particular guy she likes. This is very painful for me even though I'd date and have sex with other woman if only I had the options, so call me a hypocrite. I want her to be happy but with another guy? Fuck that, my ego can't handle it. Especially since we live in the same house and I know just about exactly when they're hanging out. 

My question is of how I should approach this, I'm in a bigger city now and live close to the second biggest mall in town. Should I start cold approach? I have no excuse not to now since I'm no longer a small town boy. I'm mostly interested in cold approach to push my comfort zone, since the breakup I've also started trying some mindfulness as I do cold showers because pain x mindfulness = purification. I figure I need to go straight to my discomfort rather than run from it, so of course I've also been applying mindfulness to this emotional pain and also releasing emotions by crying and venting to her (we are still on good terms). 

When I cry am I healing or unconsciously wallowing in my own self pity? She says I'm wallowing in my own pain and self pity when I cry and vent to her but It feels really good, It feels like I'm releasing emotional baggage. Would you agree with her that I shouldn't do this? I personally disagree. On one hand it's also nice to live with her because it's easier for me to access these emotions when she's hear as opposed to when I meditate on this matter and I must visualize and bring her to mind, I must bring her to mind and not get sucked up into imagining us being together again and feeling all lovey dovey, I must bring her to mind, imagine her being with a new guy, feel into the pain this brings, and accept what is, accept we'll never be together again. It's much easier and more organic just to cry to her although I imagine she's starting to get annoyed by now. 

Again, should I try cold approach? Or is that running away from my problems? I'd want to just have the intention of growth, not to get laid although that'd be nice. I worry that cold approach might just make me feel worse since I suck at it and would pretty much just get rejected over and over. Although in the past when I'd randomly talk to girls I'd often feel good about myself just for tying even if I get rejected. 

TLDR: Should I do cold approach, meditation, emotional release, or some mixture of those?   

[Greys0n]

You need to escape from that situation. I know that 1st breakup is the most hurtful but you will be cured only with time. Try to concentrate on other things, school or work.

[Spiral]

Get out of that place and don't sleep with anyone until your over it. Sharing beds with your ex like that can really hurt you permanently.

[SFRL]

@stevegan928 you should move out of the place you are staying with her. That should be your first action. Go live with your parents for a short while if you have to. 

Then you should burn all bridges with her. 

Also you are not overreacting or wallowing in self pity. I am all about not being a pussy. But this is not it. To sleep in the same bed with your ex girlfriend while she goes out and dates other guys is brutal. No one can handle that. 

She is controlling the narrative, that you are wallowing in your own pain and self-pity. But from what I have read she is the one who got the bigger issues, not you. She thinks she is in control, but it seems to me that she is the one going down the wrong road. One of very low consiousness. But that's not your responsibility anymore. 

After you move out, feel free to go date new girls. Whatever you want. It's probably good for you. If meeting girls in the mall works for you go and do that. But there are many ways to meet girls. Your success will depend on utilizing a strategy that works for you. 

Also work on your self-development as a whole. Like sports, education, career, traveling, etc. 

Edited November 16, 2017 by SFRL

[Leo Gura]

On 11/14/2017 at 1:14 PM, stevegan928 said:

and we sleep in the same bed.

What???

That is fucked up. Like straight out of a comedy.

[Lynnel]

On 14/11/2017 at 10:14 PM, stevegan928 said:

I'm currently going through my first ever breakup and the worst part of it is that I'm still roommates with her and we sleep in the same bed.

This is quite fucked up. You should get out of there asap. It's the best for your sanity.

I've written a break-up guide before and it might help you :

If I ever get some more time I'll do a one-note full guide with updates because I'v grown a lot since and there are way more nuanced points and action points to add - but that may give you some support for now !

[ajasatya]

@stevegan928 get the fuck away from that cold hearted person. such person doesn't even qualify for a regular friendship.

[Shin]

You really should leave and find a place of your own, and forget about her.

[WaveInTheOcean]

"I'm currently going through my first ever breakup and the worst part of it is that I'm still roommates with her and we sleep in the same bed. She quickly started dating other guys and sometimes tells me about a particular guy she likes. "

 

You must be joking, right? If not, then as others have said: GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THAT GIRL. You are better off sleeping on the street than living together with her.

[Sevi]

@stevegan928 why are you still staying with her? What keeps you there with her? And any irrational/e motional reasons are welcome too.. 

[stevegan928]

@Greys0n @SFRL @Spiral @Leo Gura @Lynnel @ajasatya @WaveInTheOcean @Sevi Everyone seems to think I should move out as fast as I can. 

It seems I have 3 options in that case: 

1. Get way more disciplined, get a second job, get my own place, learn to be a grown up. Although this would most likely require I live with her a little longer so I can save up for my own place. 

2. Move back with my older sister and her boyfriend, a very low consciousness environment where I feel contracted and fearful to be my authentic self. I have been a certain way around them for almost 10 years now, since then I've changed a lot, they haven't as much, we changed in basically opposite directions. I'm not myself around them at all and I fear that if I was, I'd get kicked out. 

3. Move back with my parents who are drug addicts and live in a house full of other drug addicts. But I do feel I can be more myself, over there. If I move in with my mom I can focus a lot more on inner work.

lately I've been being called to get a lot more serious about my spiritual practice. I'm beginning to develop a nihilistic approach to growth where I believe nothing will solve the core issue of anything and all I can do is learn to love and accept myself and my situation, from this place of acceptance only then will effective action be taken. I don't know if this philosophy I've developed is true but as a guy who's always looked for magic pill solutions I feel it's what I must go through for the time being so I can maybe rid myself of some of my more childish notions of how personal growth works. Like I thought moving to a new town with this girl would solve many of my problems but it just created new ones. A year ago I thought going to a 10 day retreat would motivate me to meditate more but it didn't. I'm learning that all I can do to any effectiveness is sit down and face my fears head on by looking within, my ego tends turn anything else into a magic pill or a new set of problems. 

So when choosing where I should go next the most emotionally difficult thing to do is move in with my mom and focus on inner work as much as I can. But getting my own place will also be extremely difficult and it'll give me more motivation to actually hustle, as opposed to moving in with my mom I'd have to motivate myself to do the things I know I need to do. So It's a question of do I think I'll actually be diligent with my practice at my moms house? I know I'll be diligent about paying bills if I get my own place because It's that or homelessness. 

Edited November 21, 2017 by stevegan928

[Sevi]

@stevegan928 I would say, your sister's place could be a better start, rather than being in an environment of drug addiction. If it doesn't work at all then you can move to your parent's place.

You will build your life step by step from where you are, right.. you are in a good place to start actually, you are capable of reaching this forum and helping yourself out, you have already the right mindset: knowing there is no magic pill, you care about your growth. You also have Leo's videos. That's an awesome start right there already. From now on you will grow your child-like parts up gradually on your own pace.

Also consider to apply for a job on a cruise ship or a holiday resort, if you like. You can do stuff from washing dishes to administrative type of jobs in those work places. It'll give you accommodation and you can save up quicker.

Wishing you the best of luck? sometimes these harsh cases can be an indicator of a very extraordinary life to come you know.. let yours be one of those examples

Edited November 21, 2017 by Sevi

[stevegan928]

@Sevi First off, thank you for the kind words and motivation. 

Yes I understand a drug house Is just about the worst place to self actualize, but I simply feel more contracted at my sister's house, I'm putting on more of a fake costume. The house is actually dirtier than the drug house (people on uppers like meth often love to clean). Also my sisters house is an animal prison, she goes through phases in her life where things are going well so she feels that frees her up to buy another pet (often times one of them just died) then she invests a good bit into giving it a good life for a short amount of time but inevitably the poor thing eventually gets doomed to a life in a small dirty cage. This is a common phase in a child's life where they convince their irresponsible parents to buy them a pet just to neglect it to death and then get a new one. I went through this phase as a child, she is still going through it but she makes her own money so she can buy as many as she wants. My point is, that house literally has "prison energy" all through it, so it makes sense that when I'm there I feel imprisoned inside a false personality. Furthermore I have no room to talk, I still have a pet turtle at my mom's house who needs a better life, I did not treat him well and I feel I need to give him a better life to repay karmic debt. 

I understand that reading all my posts here will sound like I'm a total victim, I won't bullshit you, I have bad victim mentality and often feel that life is set up against me. The past year I've made a lot of progress towards ridding myself of this mentality but I still have work to do. 

[SFRL]

1 hour ago, Sevi said:

@stevegan928 I would say, your sister's place could be a better start, rather than being in an environment of drug addiction. If it doesn't work at all then you can move to your parent's place.

You will build your life step by step from where you are, right.. you are in a good place to start actually, you are capable of reaching this forum and helping yourself out, you have already the right mindset: knowing there is no magic pill, you care about your growth. You also have Leo's videos. That's an awesome start right there already. From now on you will grow your child-like parts up gradually on your own pace.

Also consider to apply for a job on a cruise ship or a holiday resort, if you like. You can do stuff from washing dishes to administrative type of jobs in those work places. It'll give you accommodation and you can save up quicker.

Wishing you the best of luck? sometimes these harsh cases can be an indicator of a very extraordinary life to come you know.. let yours be one of those examples

@stevegan928 the 3 options that you did provide us with are all bad. One is just worse then the other. 

I would lean towards living with your sister as well. Altough that seems your least favorite option. 

What you should consider is to look on Craigslist.com and look to rent a very cheap room from a person who provides a clean, safe, and quite environment. Depending on the city where you live in, you can find a room for as low as 300-500 dollars a month. All you need is an air mattress to sleep on. Of course that's bare minimum living but you got a place to sleep, and you can use their kitchen and laundry machines. 

Also @Sevi did give you some good options. Try to get those jobs working in a Resort or on a Cruise ship. 

Another job you could go for is Flight Attended. You will make decent money, travel, and they put you in hotels a lot. If you work overtime you make even more, and on your are off days you can just rent a hotel room yourself. 

You got to look at the future, to not just survive but thrive. 

Send out dozens of resumes to the Resorts, Cruise Ships, and Airlines. 

Of course then a primary concern of yours should be to write a stellar resume, so you get the job interview. I believe @Leo Gura has a video on how to write a resume. Also there are plenty of examples online, and you can ask for help here on the forum as well. 

Edited November 22, 2017 by SFRL

[stevegan928]

@SFRL Yes the cruise ship would probably be a very cool job, same with flight attendant. I'll start looking into how to create a good resume even though my job experience Isn't very impressive, I'm sure there's some way I can bullshit my way to a great resume. 

I'll think more about moving in with my sister since the consensus opinion here seems to be not to live in a drug house, If I'm gonna ask for advice I shouldn't just look for people to agree with me. I'll think more on it. 

[Sevi]

@stevegan928 one last note, let's create a schedule. Today was Tuesday. Can you speak to your sister this week, like Wednesday morning, then move out this Saturday? I can hold you accountable for that. It can be pretty uncomfortable but it is a very graceful action forward at the same time. What do you say?

[stevegan928]

@Sevi I'm moving out on saturday regardless, my friend from my hometown got some days off of work a while back when me and her where still together and they wanted to surprise me when he showed up. When he found out about the breakup he told me about it and said he can take me back home on the 25th. I'll talk to both my sister and mom today, I'm still trying to figure out which one I should go live with. 

[Sevi]

@stevegan928 that's great! now then it's all about writing down your resume.