How To Deal With Uncertainty And Insecurity In A Relationship.

[Forestluv]

I met a gal a few weeks ago online and we seemed to click immediately. Intellectually, physically, emotionally and spiritually. She had been in open relationships before, yet told me that here she prefers to “just focus on each other”. Since then, I deactivated my online dating apps. 

We’ve had what’s appeared to be intimate, meaningful time together. I’ve opened up that vulnerable sweet part of me and my heart. I don’t open up like this to many women. In the past, I’ve been naive and thought the two of us were on the same page only to find out she was seeing another guy or just using me. The connection and emotion seemed so authentic and real. Finding out the truth was really painful. As a result, I’ve had several surface relationships in which I wasn’t emotionally involved . There isn’t much pain and sorrow, yet not much emotional connection either. . . Well, after 7 months of introspective work - I had a desire to live my truth and experience love in a relationship- even if that meant becoming vulnerable and experiencing sorrow and heartache.

So, here I am. We seemed to have such a strong connection and I opened up and became vulnerable - it seemed like she did too. She’s been in open relationships before, yet we decided to just focus on each other for now. So, today I was feeling unsettled and went onto POF to see her profile. She has still been active. Rather than confront her, I texted her that I was developing emotions for her and asked her to be open about intentions. She asked a couple questions to clarify what I was saying, yet not where she is at. 

I’m uncertain where she is at, yet I am also uncertain where I am at. It seems a lot easier to be aware and “just be” when things seem to be flowing smoothly. Yet, now my body is filled with stress-response hormones and my mind is filled with thoughts about what is going on, what I should do. Rechecking if she is on pof and if she has texted me. Wanting to know what she is up to. It seemed I made so much progress on the conciousness path the last year, yet now I feel like the first level.

So, do I just treat this all simply as “happenings”. Just try and observe without attachment? Observe how these thoughts are part of a story of my illusionary self? Yet the thoughts and feelings are my experience right now.

My surface desire is to communicate with her and make this all better. Yet there is a deeper desire to get in touch with *me* and the deeper source of these thoughts and feelings.

Edited November 14, 2017 by Serotoninluv

[SFRL]

I have dealt with this so many times. 

Just do this. Say that you went on POF and you did see that she still got her POF active. Also tell her that you would like for you both to take the profiles down. 

Very clear cut. 

If she agrees, great. 

If she doesn't agree, reactivate your profile and date (fuck) a bunch of other women. Don't just pretend. Actually do it. And make sure she knows about it. 

Keep seeing her, and dating her. Make clear that she is your first option. That you want to be exclusive. But if she is not willing to do that you will keep banging other women. 

I have done exactly that. Works great. It's your best chance for her to come around. If not, then you still had fun and no one-itis. Or you might find another woman you like even better in the meanwhile.

It keeps you in the driver seat. 

Edited November 14, 2017 by SFRL

[Forestluv]

@SFRL I can be naive and overly trusting. Everytime I’ve opened my heart, I was used and discarded. Then I put up walls that the next GF can’t penetrate.

My concern here is going exclusive with her and not meeting a better match. Yet, I am enjoing myself and the sex is phenomenal. 

Edited November 14, 2017 by Serotoninluv

[christianblake]

I don't agree with SFRL. That is trying to fight fire with fire. 

You obviously have a connection with this girl, that you value. I'm assuming you're writing this because you feel a certain way, that's uncomfortable. Fear, anxiety, and worry about losing this person you care about. I will tell you that the reality is, that it is possible you can lose this girl. In reality, you will lose all your relationships sooner or later. (exisential topic, that I won't go to). But what you must do as an individual, is two things.

#1.  learn to cope with these feelings. A lot of these feelings stem from cognitive thougts and projections which are rooted in your psyche from your past (point #2). Become aware of your thoughts and what you are projecting she is doing. Are you unconsciously thinking that she's cheating on you, she's going to leave you? she's doesn't want you anymore? How realistic are these? Develop more realistic thought patterns.

The second part of coping is dealing with emotions. Become aware of your emotions. What is this "feeling" you are experiencing right now as you worry about her. Realize that these are emotions, they come and go.

 

#2 Go deep into yourself. Why is that you haven't had any deep connections before? What would happen if she left you? Is life over if this happens? This can be extremely complex and hard to do from the inside out. Talk with a therapist or counselor. It'll be worth more than 1 million dollars.

 

As a bonus, learn to have self love. Accept that you have faults within yourself Be self-compassionate.. It'll make the process so much easier. I know this because this is something I struggle with too. About 7 months after being in a relationship with my first girlfriend, I swear I was going through panic attacks. I felt anxiety, and emotions that I haven't felt in years. I've learned to re-structure my thoughts, let my emotions pass through, and dig into my psyche to uncover these unexplored beliefs and emotions. Welcome to your journey, you'll learn so much about yourself if you continue to work on this issue. Go deep, don't look for external solutions (banging other girls), it'll just delay your healing you deserve.

Edited November 14, 2017 by christianblake
typo

[Forestluv]

@christianblake Thank you. This is helpful. Self love was one of the themes of an Ayahuasca retreat last sumner.

Those self inquiry questions are great. I don’t go deeper than a surface level with most women, so this is a good opportunity. 

There are definitely projections from past experiences. It seemed like there was an authentic connection and emotional bond. Yet, I ended up being used and discarded. That’s one reason it’s hard for me to be trusting now.

Edited November 14, 2017 by Serotoninluv

[Leo Kaminski]

@christianblake  Thanks for sharing, also a little bit of your journey. 

I recently face similar inner damon's and as I am on my lifecoaching certification process, I noticed once again how often we think externals are the root, but they aren't. It's always internal and the answer is always within your self. So definitely go deep into yourself, because you deserve the healing as fast as possible. Not facing yourself can lead to a lot of superficial relationships which are also nice but way below that ones, you actually deserve! 

If you free yourself up from your inner struggles and insecurities you open up a wonderful world, full of love not just for you but also your lover. This is magic, inspiration and love for your environment and the world. Do whatever it takes to become love and magnify it, so you finally can overcome your ego and live the relationship you deserve to live.

And if you get more awareness on this path, you notice that your fears are the only limitation and excuses for you to not living as love in the world!

Edited November 14, 2017 by Leo Kaminski