Mushroom Trip Report - Union

[DoubleYou]

Mushrooms sure are something, aren't they?

Man, I don't even know where to begin with this one. I hadn't tripped in over ten years and the reason for that is that those last couple of trips went horrible for me. I would even go as far and say those trips were the starting point of an eight year long depression that followed. Looking back. It has been worth every bit of struggle and I just wasn't able to grasp what those trips were trying to tell me. But I was young and unprepared. So...

Ten years later. Here I am. Worked out most of my depression and have really been going places on a personal and spiritual level. 
I've been trying to face my fears lately and one of them was to return to the psychedelic experience and figure out what it was that scared me so damn much when I was younger. Only a fool would return to that source of depression right? And all by himself without a trip-sitter? So, that's what I did. 

Only on one condition: Be max-prepared. Do everything you can beforehand to help enhance the trip. I created a beautiful setting at home, I meditated all day, I've journaled about it. Why did I want to trip? What did I hope to find? And more of those questions. I also grew my own mexican mushrooms for the past couple of months. I've had them for a long time now but I kept postponing the actual trip. There was always something that made me not do it. I kept telling myself "wait until it feels right." But it never really did. So yesterday I said fuck it. Today is the day. Easier said than done. I spent the entire day preparing for the trip, but honestly, I was scared as hell. Really scared. I was also afraid that this fear I was feeling for the trip would grow even bigger during the trip. Nevertheless, I went through with it. 

I made a nice tea with 2g of dried shrooms. (I'm very sensitive to it, I don't need a lot) with some added mint and ginger and let it soak for a while. Then I decided to confront my ego first by taking a cold shower which I have been experimenting with. It pumped me up like it always does and so I drank the tea. (Which was pretty damn tasty, if I say so myself!) The interesting thing was that all this fear I've been accumulating for the entirety of the day was slowly fading away. With each sip I became more comfortable. I guess the biggest hurdle was just the fear of going through with it. And now I had no choice. I put on some music and started to dance a bit as suggested by Leo on his blog. This really helped setting the mood. 

Well, ten minutes later and there it was. I was quite surprised by this because I always used to eat mushrooms and that mostly took about an hour before it slowly started to do its thing. Not this time. Fifteen minutes in and I'm feeling this huge energy release at the bottom of my spine and I'm noticing myself dancing more and more intensely. It felt really good but at this point I'm still mostly worrying about the dosage and all that. There weren't even that many visuals yet and here I was already tripping my balls off, fifteen minutes in.  As it got more and more intense I started to write down some notes for myself on some pieces of paper I put there beforehand. The first one was: "Take care of the music." I was noticing that the music was the most important piece of the setting. When a song came on that I didn't like, it instantly transformed the mood. So that's why I placed that piece of paper on the table to remind me to always take care of the music, because it will influence the trip the most. Also, in my last trip the reason for the bad trip was poor choice of songs so I really wanted to make sure that didn't happen this time. 

The next things I wrote were: "No words, just magic," and "Completely melt into it" (badly translated from Dutch) I had to keep reminding myself to go with whatever happened. I soon started to notice that the only thing a bad trip really is, is choosing thought over experience. So again and again I kept going back to 'being'. And in 'being' there was just this insane play of visuals and sound. The visuals became pretty intense at this point. I put down a lot of candles and colored lights so it was quite a sight to behold. I also came to really appreciate the preparations done before the trip. Even the smallest things like putting those papers there or cleaning the room really made a huge difference. My thoughts went like this: "Oh man, it would be great if I could actually draw someth... Oh wow! There's pieces of paper and a pencil! How convenient!" I had a lot of these moments. And I really advice anyone that goes tripping to think about all the small things you'll appreciate during your trip. It plays a huge part in creating a comfortable setting. 

Anyway, now for the juicy parts. Two hours in. I'm getting quite comfortable with what's happening and decide to smoke a joint. Because why not? I really underestimated this. The trip soon doubled in intensity and I had to lie down for a bit. But instead of lying down I was doing all of these spastic movements with my body. But I didn't mind. This was the reason I didn't want friends or a trip sitter with me. I just wanted to be able to express whatever I was feeling. At this point I really got trapped in monkey mind but it was all good. This was quite a crazy moment but it almost felt like thoughts and being were having some kind of battle. Almost like a rap battle. Thoughts would go crazy with concepts and 'being' would just simply show silence. And this went on and on and on. Until eventually thoughts became less violent and more accepting of the reality of being. Instead of constantly questioning it, it started to believe it. And started to ask questions about it. (So it could explain itself on this forum ) But 'being' kept on showing silence. Until at last there was an understanding and I became 100% silent. Awakening. 

I've had this kind of awakening before so I knew what I was looking for. You just need those thirty minutes of full blown suffering to get there. But it doesn't really feel like suffering all that much when you're aware of what's happening. The mind kept creating it, and I saw it do it. So let's just say, I became the observer of what I normally would've called a 'bad trip.' But it wasn't bad at all. It was liberating. I could literally see that what the mind was so scared of, wasn't scary at all. It was just 'being.' And even the mind is a part of that. 

At this point the most interesting thing of the trip happened. I remember a final thought 'It's all one...' Before it turned to full blown 'being'. 'Both' worlds merged and I suddenly stood up. Full of energy again. And I tell you this. I am in no way a dancer but for the next hour or so I danced like I've never danced before. In complete harmony with 'now'.' It was Yoga. What Yoga really is all about. Union. My arms and legs were moving like crazy. I've had issues with chronic pains for years now. Headaches, backaches, you name it. And it felt like I was rapidly shaking it all out of my body. One by one. Most of the time my movements were completely symmetric. It felt so great. And it probably looked great too. It all happened by itself. Man, even now when writing this, I get goosebumps. I can't believe what happened there. The only way I can describe it is that it was God showing off. Literally. But it was doing it through 'me'. As me. I was God all along. There is nothing else. It showed me the amazing things you can do when just 'being.' And I guess this was a lesson I had to learn. It went way beyond self-esteem. Whatever I choose to do. Making music, writing, dancing... I can do it. If I just do it. Cause if you just do it. You are being. And it completely empowers that which you are doing. But you just simply have to look at what's already there and be silent. It's hard to put this in words. But it showed me what any kind of creativity is about. It's already there. Just be it. I don't want to sound like some cheesy Nike commercial. But it's that simple. 

When I started contemplating this during the trip this was my thought process:
"Holy shit, I'm actually dancing." 
"Yeah, insane right? And I'm not even a dancer." 
"Yeah I know. Of course not... I should... blablablabla"
And so... I ended up not being a dancer. Only because my mind had that idea about 'me,' not being a dancer. But when I was dancing. I was a dancer.

The mind is very, very powerful, it controls every aspect of life. But only by believing what it says.
Don't underestimate it. All of this work is about exposing the mind. But the mind itself is the thing that exposes itself by showing itself to you. It's not an enemy. 

After that the trip slowly lost intensity but there was one interesting moment left. I decided to put on the music that made my last trip turn 'bad.' It's "A Saucerful of Secrets" by Pink Floyd. Which I accidentally left on my playlist on my last trip. Anyway. I thought to myself; If I can literally face my biggest fear right now. I don't have to be afraid ever again. And so I did. It instantly transformed the entire mood of the trip to something 'evil and scary.' After a minute I turned it off again. But really... Looking back. It was my biggest fear, and I faced it. And that felt good. But shaky. It showed me that there is still something I can learn from these trips. Why am I not able to endure a 'horror' trip? Why does the music need to be uplifting and happy for me to have a good trip? It's something I'd like to explore more sometime, because I think it's something that I do in everyday life as well. Avoid negatives. 

Anyway. That's about it for the interesting parts. Aside from that. It was all so damn intense and beautiful. I even made a picture with my phone to show my sober self how beautiful my room actually is. But yeah... It's just a lame picture of a candle and a plant.  

Looking back. I'm so happy I did this. It was a dumb idea. But the right thing to do. I faced some of my biggest fears and even faced reality itself. And that feels empowering. The one thing that really stuck with me, is how much of an intelligence there was at work during this trip. It constantly felt like there was an intelligent force communicating with me, through me, as me. And all it did was telling me to shut up. Each time in a new beautiful way. It uses infinity to show itself, and that's an inexhaustible creative force. And its all me. What great news.  

Also, as an ending note. I've had these three albums on repeat for the entirety of the trip. And I would really recommend these albums as background music to a trip because they were 99% responsible for the amazing atmosphere this trip had. I was in the same room for the full six hours but these songs made it feel new every-time.

Tycho - Awake
Tycho - Dive
Tycho - Epoch

During the come-up I listened to:
Washed Out - Paracosm

Thanks for reading!
I'm looking forward to embody the lessons I've learned. I'll be sure to share whatever's next on this journey.  

Edited November 13, 2017 by DoubleYou

[Leo Gura]

Ha! Funny. I love Tycho. Nothing quite like it. Don't forget Past Is Prologue

[Richard Alpert]

Maybe i need to listen ummagumma album too on mushrooms.

Have listened Pink Floyd all my life, but somehow missed the "genius" of that album, lol.

I actually should probably do mushrooms, it has been probably 1,5 year the last time i did them.

[phoenix666]

wonderful. so inspiring <3 reading your trip report just made me very excited. 

I'll check out Tycho!

[Lauritz]

Oh yes your trip report really came at the right time for me.

I am in a similar situation. I had a very scary trip 4 years ago and for a long time I tried to avoid that fear by not taking any psychedelics. Since then I have learned a lot and now I know they just showed me a lot which I was not prepared for at the time. But I was able to integrate and understand a lot. 

So I think I am in very similar shoes as you were before your trip. 

Now I want to take AL-LAD in a normal dose, maybe 100-150mcg next weekend. But currently I have not so much control over my set. I cannot be sure to have a room only for myself for the length of the trip for example. That concerns me a bit. And going alone in nature, I am a bit too scared of. What if the sounds form outside are too annoying and I cannot shut them up... Those concerns go through my mind. So I guess I am in "your" phase of postponing it yet another weekend.

Your trip report helped a lot though.

Tycho is really nice, I agree.

Edited November 13, 2017 by Lauritz

[Nahm]

@DoubleYou excellent! Great share & thanks!

[JustinS]

Yes! Awe-some. Sounds similar to my last trip. Dancing is oh so lovely. I recommend you check out your local ecstatic dance meetups