Working On Boundaries.

[spicy_pickles]

So I’ve been continuing to work in counselling with these issues - weak boundaries, being a pushover, not being able to say NO, people pleasing, etc. 

Its like I am always concerned with keeping the peace, trying hard not to do something wrong, etc. 

Today was yet another example of how I’ve had enough with living like this. I think I fear confrontation. I have a hard time sticking up for myself and basically telling someone off if they have wronged me. I always feel like I’m a b*tch for standing up for myself, saying no, pissing someone else off, etc. 

I’ve made some minor progress, but it’s almost like two steps forward one step back. I fall back into my own ways of feeling like I’ve pissed someone off, them thinking I’m a terrible person, I’ve done something wrong, etc. 

[poimandres]

Sounds like you are on your way. Keep going to counseling. You will get to where the confrontation is easier to avoid but still say no. No need to feel bad about self respect or standing up for yourself. Keep going.

[JoJo]

I can relate to this, Spicy Pickles, I was an absolute doormat for years and when I first started trying to be a bit more 'me' focused and standing up for myself a bit I found it incredibly difficult and uncomfortable and, like you, I often felt that it was one step forward and two back.  Another unfortunate side effect was that quite a lot of people in my life vanished when I stopped doing what they wanted all the time and I found that really difficult to deal with (ultimately for the best as the relationships weren't healthy so I am better of without them but still very tough to manage and it hurt a lot).  But it has all got easier over time.  It's like any new skill, really, you have to keep practising and eventually it becomes second nature

[Dan Arnautu]

@spicy_pickles It gets better as you age. I still avoid confrontation when it's not worth the win, and that's ok. For example, a guy was an asshole to me at the gym, thinking the machines in there are all his. My options were: 1. Confront him, waste my time cause a futile fight. (as he already was pretty agitated and calling the staff wouldn't have helped)  2. Walk away, have an awesome workout and not think about the asshole.

There are some things that you should definitely do that will increase your level of assertiveness by itself:

1. Make sure your life is not dependent on anyone: not your boss, family etc. (financially or otherwise)

• When you are completely independent, you won't fear standing by your opinions because you won't fear your boss firing you or your mother stopping supporting you financially if you say something they don't agree with or if they don't like something about you

2. Start exercising

• People that are in shape usually don't get bullied. Bullies and dominant people naturally go for weak people.

3. Pick up a martial art

• When you know 100% that you can defend yourself in case something goes down, you won't fear standing up to a tough guy or to someone that tries to boss you around, no matter how big they are. That's a powerful place to be, but it doesn't mean you should go around looking for fights. It's just to make you confident to stand up for yourself