I Lost My Body And It Wasn't What I Expected

[KieranWicklow]

Hi guys,

New to this forum, first post. 

I've been practising self inquiry for the last year pretty intensely. Before this year I saw anything spiritual as bullshit. I managed to take this year off and have focused on meditation (2 X 30 mins sessions daily) , long walks in nature while being PRESENT and self inquiry when I'm not using my mind for practical purposes.  I feel very much as if I'm being lead down a path and helped along the way. I've had many beautiful experiences where everything was perfect and I felt bliss to be alive and present.

I started the journey as a result of an Ayahuasca experience which showed me the "self". From there I researched and eventually found Advita and the "Direct Path".  I now do an Ayahuasca about once a month and this has helped me a lot. I think I have Kundalini moving in me. I get very strong sensations of energy moving inside my head, back of my neck and light sensations from the base of my spine up my spine. I feel as if there is something like an energy moving inside of me.  It can be pretty intense like a strong massage but from the inside.  I'm practising non resistance and trying as much as possible to go with it.

I live in Ireland and it's Mushroom season here so I decide to try them out. I took some many years ago but then it was all about fun now its about going in. I did a few trips on relatively small doses 2-3 grams which were lovely. Then last weekend due to a mix up I ended up with over a 5 gram dose. I wasn't expecting this level of trip and wasn't really ready. I got through it and managed to hold my space but it was tough. I felt like I was on the edge of the universe plowing into the unknown. It was raw and very uncomfortable. Then I sat and felt my entire being dissolve and regenerate. Then when I moved again I had lost my body. Everything was the same and everything was different (..before there were mountains ..) . I could see myself but it wasn't me. At one stage I merged into anothers body.

This lasted until the next day and I feel its still there if I look. The experience was very weird and very very scary. I had to almost "glue" myself back together to feel normal again. I really didn't like the dis associative state at all and was literally praying like mad to come back. 

This has left me in a fearful state. Up to this point I felt love and kindness and help, this felt raw uncomfortable and was not at all nice. I'm now at a place where I'm, for the first time, questioning my "path". Does this path which leads to enlightenment ( I know it's not really like that but for the purposes of discussion)  result in that dis associative state similar to what I experience on the mushrooms?  If so I feel I might wish to slow down and hang where I'm at as the next "level" (if it's what I experienced) just doesn't seem that attractive anymore. 

I know this path is not for the faint hearted and I know that I need to lose myself. I thought I was ready for that but it seems maybe I'm not. Can I ever be ready?  I know that the fear is the mind and I suspect that the mind is using this to avoid having to take "second place" but even now if I take the fear and go into it I'm not sure I want whats on the other side. I thought I wanted it more than life itself and now find myself a little confused about where I'm at and what I want.

Any thoughts guidance greatly appreciated.

Love

Edited November 9, 2017 by KieranWicklow
Tidy up

[Nahm]

@KieranWicklow It was too high of a dose too soon, that’s all. Try not to attach that experience to the overall process at large. Just keep doing your daily practices, you’ll know when you’re ready for more. You’re naturally healing and will be back at 100 soon. ❤️

[Viking]

To clear up @Nahm 's words, Imagine you're a kid, 10 years old, and you go to an amusement park with your parents. You see that EXTREME roller coaster ride and you get very excited and tell your parents that you want to ride it, but they tell you you're too young for this ride and this ride is for 14+ kids only. You get upset, dont listen, (let's imagine there's no security), run away from your parents and go on the ride. you get on the ride, excited and all, but when it comes to the edge of the hill and it almost goes down, you feel a sudden intense fear and want to go off, but you cant, so you finish the ride, puke, and since then you hate roller coasters for the rest of your life (and you're also grounded). Now, imagine if you listened to your parents, and went on to the kid's roller coasters instead. With the years, you rode higher and more extreme roller coasters, gradually, slightly disappointed but nonetheless having fun, and on your 14th birthday you go to that park and ride that extreme roller coaster. This time, it was the most fun experience of your life.

[KieranWicklow]

Thanks guys, appreciate the comments. Makes me feel a bit better. Am slowly coming back I think. Feeling more grounded but still feel a heightened awareness or like something inside (my core) is stronger and more solid.  I'm slowing down my mediation to 15 mins a day for now to try and get more grounded. 

It'll be while before I do a Ayahuasca ceremony again, that's for sure.  I got my ass kicked and I'm taking it that that was what was supposed to happen.  Even though I never felt I took this stuff lightly and always had respect and fear for what I was doing. It seems that I needed a bit more fear and a bit more trepidation.

Love...

[KieranWicklow]

On 11/10/2017 at 3:56 AM, Nahm said:

@KieranWicklow It was too high of a dose too soon, that’s all. Try not to attach that experience to the overall process at large. Just keep doing your daily practices, you’ll know when you’re ready for more. You’re naturally healing and will be back at 100 soon. ❤️

This is very kind, thank you. Has helped me a lot.