Chronic Derealization/dp, Which Path To Enlightment? O_0

[pfletcha]

        For those who have never suffered from it, it's basically like...the world has been stripped of its emotional coloring, a feeling that one has constantly lost his train of thought, like the mind is stuttering all the time. When it gets really bad (especially in social groups, or typing this fucking thread out), i start to deeply question free will; it feels like pretty much every decision I make has already been premade for me via some sort of "behind the scenes" action deep in the subconscious.  A concrete example for you guys: About four years ago i had a job interview at this decent paying place. it went pretty well from what I remember, neither terrible nor great, whatever, just left and went about my business. A bit later that day, I started to feel on the verge of panic, as if it had come completely out of the blue, without rhyme or reason. I continued to get this random anxiety for the next week. Then I got the call saying I'd gotten the job, and instantly the anxiety went away, as if by magic. I mean obviously its nearly impossible to explain psychological conditions in words, but that's the best I've got.

        Now i wish to state that I've had some brief stints with spiritual practices in the past , such as yoga and the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous (even though my problems were mostly hard drugs). Every time I had a breakthrough, I mean an actual "altered state" breakthrough, I instantly felt that sense of "connection" x10, as if the presence of "god" was all around me, every stimuli bursting with life, quite similar in fact to the peaks of some of my better mushroom and acid trips. And I've had some brief breakthroughs on a much smaller magnitude, kinda feels like being a kid again, and what I imagine the average person experiences every day , yet takes for granted. This is what I drank, smoked weed , and did opiates for, chasing an experience similar to this, yet without the clear headedness that deep down I really want. 

    Depersonalization has been described as enlightenment's evil twin. I've started regularly meditating the "Leo way" for the past month or so. Occasionally theres a glimmer or two of that same shit I described in the last paragraph. But all too often , especially when I start doing the self inquiry shit, I get instantly sucked back into the DP vortex, just obsessively looping on the thoughts of the nature of free will and who I really am. e.g. "How does my brain control this body?" It doesn't seem healthy. So back to the main question. Do I continue to approach this terrible , disempowering vortex in the state I'm in lately? Or should i try to distract myself with all the frivolous things Leo and others always warn about, you know, learn to feel like an average chimp again, and then take on the consciousness work? Perhaps a balance of both ? Hopefully I'm closer to the truth than I think.                                                                                                             

                                                                                       

Edited November 8, 2017 by pfletcha

[pfletcha]

     Any form of self inquiry or meditation appears to make the dp worsen quite rapidly, without fail. The questions of "what am I?" and all the various exercises in the enlightenment techniques thread lead to completely obsessive "pointless" looping and mind stutter, akin to a hamster running on its wheel, desperate to gain yardage yet painfully self aware that he's getting nowhere. As a result of this anxiety and frustration  , the mind and "self" start to separate , but in a disturbingly lifeless sort of way, just as I'm already  used to . Its basically shielding me from unpleasant stimuli . This can't really be good , can it ?  Or is this a necessarily painful part of the process ? Like the saying "it's always darkest before the dawn"? 

      It seems lately that the dp lets up whenever I achieve small goals I would normally have never thought myself capable of, thus boosting my self esteem, and also just humbling myself (showing people that I resent acts of kindness, serving people food, etc) and learning to not give a shit what people think of me...getting out of my social comfort zone, facing my fear of life head on , etc. 

     It doesnt matter to me if anyone here has personal experience with this horrid condition or not . I just value any insights which could lead to some new insights of my own. 

     Anybody?

[Martin123]

@pfletcha ground yourself in the body. Best way fir describing DP is like consciousness hiding in the attic while there is a party in the rest of the house. Its a defense against too painful of an experience.

Move yourself towards your emotions instead of trying to detach yourself.

Instead of feeling sad - “I am sadness, sadness I am.”

etc.

Do not negatr your emotional body. Love yourself and your inner wounds with a passion!!