More Mindful Angry, The More Angry I Get?

[kieranperez]

I’ve been making good progress with my mindfulness meditation practice. Now, one of my issues is very deeply seeded anger issues. Now, when I get I can immediately spot it once it arises in my body, I even listen to my inner dialogue without judgment which is HUGE PROGRESS FOR ME. Never thought I’d get to that point. I’ve usually been able to keep my focus on my inner dialogue but would always get over powered by it. However, the more I shine my awareness on my anger and even my anger driven moralizing, I feel like a kettle filled with water that has been calmly keeping the water inside but the water boils so hot that water is fiercely bubbling out of the kettle, where it’s like about to shoot out like a volcano. 

The only way I keep it from shooting off and going crazy is when I do give in to my anger and I hold onto it and just cling to it and just decide to be pissed off and if I’m driving now for example, everything pisses me off more.

Im just confused because I thought shining my awareness without judgment would be the tool to melt away these unwanted behaviors like in @Leo Gura‘s awareness alone is curative video? Is this common? Just super puzzled by my results lately. I did also rewatch The Dark Side of Meditation but I don’t think I’ve been consistent enough with my practice to be experiencing that as a result directly from my practice. I experience those things described in that video often but I don’t think it’s fair I give it to my time of where I’ve been inconsistent so long throughout my short mediation career. This is definitely making my problems in building up myself in my life purpose and success levels so I just find this rather problematic.

Edited November 7, 2017 by kieranperez
Didn’t finish the post

[wpw]

Anger is an emotion that distracts us away from deeper underlying feelings usually. 

When you talk about "inner dialogue, that sounds like mind chatter or your using your intellect", is that right? 

My suggestion, is focus on your body (torso - bottom of belly to bottom of the neck)  this is where the emotional brain sends anger to the nervous system. 

Focus on the anger, and zoom in on (the location)  with your awareness much like you do on a google map. Sit with the anger and try to notice it's quailty etc, after a while, and you have really sat with your anger, 

try verbalise while focusing in on the anger in your body. Say out loud (important)  "I feel angry"  and then check for resonance (how your body responds). Repeat till it shifts.. 

It will probably increase in intensity and then disappear, sadness or  a feeling (guilty, shame, inadequate, worthlessness)may surface.  Repeat the process with whatever surfaces 

If you are stuck in the anger even after you have processed it for while , try asking yourself  "how is this hurting me?" 

Your body (emotional brain) will resonate with an answer a feeling/emotion perhaps with images.  The intellect (your mind might try to distract you, so pay attention to body. 

We have actually have three brains,  google Triune brain

Edited November 7, 2017 by wpw

[ajasatya]

@kieranperez why have you been experiencing anger? what thoughts have been triggering it?

[kieranperez]

You know what interesting. I don’t know if this helps as a clue or a good insight but I noticed in my meditation this morning that pretty much all my frustration, anger, anxiety, and just general neuroticism is actually based in my inner dialogue. It becomes so intense that it’s what takes ahold of me, my inner dialogue that is. Does this serve as a helpful insight on how to tackle this situation? 

[wpw]

Focus in on your body (torso) and see if there is any anger is there, sit with the anger and see what happens. 

The reason is because that's where the autonomic nervous system is.  Anger shoots around your legs, arms and

head, but just try this out and see what happens.

 

I've had a similar experience to you by the way  

 

 

Edited November 7, 2017 by wpw

[Zephyr]

 

Why do you have the desire to not be angry? If anger comes to the point of bursting why not let it. It's an energy. You are blocking it with your so called "mindfulness meditation" which the sole purpose is to repress it or make anger go away? No. Mediation does not make anger go away. What you resist persists. Why not love your anger?

Just let the anger become intense, let it move through your body, through your chest even to the point of becoming rage. Accept it embrace it comepletely fully.

[Arman]

Often a great deal of these emotions and energies are suppressed and mindful awareness allows it to surface as a result of intent/willingness/spaciousness. This simply means that sometimes things appear to get worse before they get better because you're experiencing more of what was hidden. It's a good thing and an indicator of progress. 

If you are feeling very overwhelmed by an emotion then it's ok to work with it in bits and pieces. Over time you'll make a lot of great progress. It's important to recognize and remind yourself that you're doing well and that while on the surface things appear to be getting more difficult, actually you are making good gains. Keep up the work and you'll start to see yourself gaining more practical freedom in life. Be with the anger and allow awareness to shine on it for as long as you feel capable, and when you feel you can't do it anymore, then do your best to relax and move on to something else. It is also possible to access the courage you have to remain with the anger and dissolve it at levels deeper than you didn't think you could stand. 

Just keep it up. Anger is a difficult thing to work with and when you are penetrating it deeply then it can be very intense. Recognize the difficult and remind yourself of your greater goals in order to re-contextualize the degree of challenge. 

Edited November 9, 2017 by Arman