People Blow My Mind

[Sarah Marie]

People completely blow my mind. I have been working on myself for years. I finally got to a place where I am genuinely happy and focused only to have those around me talk about their "concern" for me.

At first I took their concerns seriously, then I went to my therapist (who I've seen on and off for years) and she pretty much told me that misery loves company.

All the choices I make are healthy, I have been eating more plant based meals (all my friends and family eat the American Diet), I have cut out social media, I don't watch hardly any TV, I read a lot more, I am going to life coaching school, and I started going on hikes/outside more.

My friend told me I was being manic. My husband decided he was going to bring up every fuck up since 2008 and get upset with me because apparently he "repressed" his emotions (for 8 damn years). I lost a lot of weight and now I'm "too skinny" according to family.

It is completely blowing my mind that the second I finally am happy completely focused on me this happens. Then they all get pissed when I say I am happy doing these things. 

I can admit things I used to think we're a big deal aren't anymore, I don't really hold as tight grip on my old beliefs. I realize I have changed. 

I just don't get it, I have deliberately worked to change each one of these behaviors using visualization, affirmations, etc. 

I am so thankful for this Forum because I have never felt more dissconnected from those who are around me.

They don't understand when I say I'm not going to revert back, I just feel like that's impossible with all this stuff I know now.

Has this happened to anyone else? 

[Electron]

My parents don't get my ways of life either. They just want me to play by the rules of the mainstream society. When i was inexperienced and new to all this rebel against the lifestyle normal people had, I used to argue my family members a lot and tried to persuade them to accept what I know as correct. What I learned as I get older is that the reason I wanted to change them is because somehow I was identifying their change with mine. And whenever I failed to accomplish any task I used to blame them on indulging me in their incorrect way of life, which was infact my own failure to motivate my self amidst the family drama. Also an important thing I discovered that all the point of views that my parents had about me and the world around are actually MY point of views of their point of views. They are in my head. So whenever they ask me to do anything that I don't, like socializing with people I don't resonate with, I still refuse but I not anymore feel any negative sensations or persuasion to tell them why I am right, nor I have anything against them.

[Keyblade Viking]

I could tell you why that happen but you wouldn't believe me, This fella is absolutely perfect at explaining it though (start with the first video).

It basically comes down to their egos not being able to cope with you breaking free and they're still down in the lake of fire lol 

[Sarah Marie]

@Sigma Thank you! This makes sense to me, they don't even let me guess what they're thinking they all just tell me. Just have to find that balance where it doesn't  bother me to hear and keep on doing what I am doing.

[DJ]

Yes it has @Sarah_Flagg

The only drawback that I have found with serious personal development (not just watching a Tony Robbins video) is that it can be a lonely place at times. Kind of like a social outcast but in a good way. Like when I tell people that I don't have cable and hardly watch TV, they look at me like something is wrong with me. I've had girls that I have been dating make snide remarks when I open up to them about what I feel proud of. For the most part, I don't let it get to me but were all human at the end of the day. 

I would have to agree with your therapist that chimpery loves chimpery!

What I've been doing recently is trying to find like minded and positive people. There is a website called "meetup" where I have joined meditation groups, reiki, holistic health, yoga and other positive groups. Also, my local high school has continuing education classes. I was also in toastmasters for a bit and found those people to be very positive and supportive. 

 

[Guest]

I agree. I am mostly solitary and committed to enlightenment and learning. Right now, my main issue is dealing with people who tell me I'm just trying to escape the "real problems" in life while all I see if them blindly chasing things they think make for a good life instead of raising their own awareness. I believe that happiness is truly independent of external circumstances.

[Natura Sonoris]

2 hours ago, Sarah_Flagg said:

@Sigma Thank you! This makes sense to me, they don't even let me guess what they're thinking they all just tell me. Just have to find that balance where it doesn't  bother me to hear and keep on doing what I am doing.

Let me tell you what happened to me yesterday. It is gonna be a long post but it i think it will be worth it. I apologise for grammar and typos upfront, but when i write posts, my mind is too fast at processing stuff so i cant focus so much on writting (and i dont have Google spell checker here but i will edit the post when i sit on my other device)

For the last 2 years i am working on my passion and that is becoming music producer. Three days ago i made big step forward because i realized i can do something that i struggled to do for some time. 

Anyway, i went outside to meet with my friends to grab some drinks and we were talking what going on in everyones lifes and i mentioned how some cool stuff regarding my music project have happened. After that we sat on the table to eat and they sat in front of me. They were chatting and  I got lost in some thoughts. While i was eating i was listening to music in background and i tapped my fingers on the table rhytmicly (for no reason, it is just thing you do from time to time unconsciously when you produce music) . At that moment, i overheard : Oh he thinks he thinks he is sooo cool because he is making music. I pretended that i did not hear it but i started to become aware what was going on inside me.

As i observed i saw that my ego was being hurt by the fact they dont show support for what i do. Anyway, at that moment, i remembered Leo's video : ''How to stop caring what people think about you''. The most important part in the video : How they see you is just a thought. You will let thought in someone elses head guide your life ?

Now the big conclusion and the point of this post is this :

The fact my ego is being hurt shows lack of my self esteem in myself. I know how to recongnise it because everytime my ego is being hurt in any way possible, the core of it is lack of self esteem and fear. At the moment, i improved it so much that now i rarely get involed in any conflicts .My friend knows that i used to lack self esteem since we are friends for 7 years now and i know he lacks too since i know a lot of about his internal issues etc.

Second point is this one : If thoughts of other people (your owns as well) are being triggered by negative emotions, it is a sign that their ego cant accept the reality. The be more precise, their ego is strugling to deal with certain parts of their personality. So people around you are probably having strugles with parts of their personality that they see thru you (because everything we see is being processed by internal filters that we made since we are born). They just cant accept the reality that you changed and as for your husband, i think he fears about losing control over you.My friend hs his own issues and I am aware of that and i know why his ego could not deal with me doing some good stuff for me. But be aware that your ego here will also have need to reason to prove its point. And i think this is why you made this topic  People here will support your ego because it wants to reason with itself to see other people as stuck and ''they just dont get me.'' But what is really going on is : Hey my reality is different then yours so it must be true which is root cause of all conflcits. Good thing i remembered now where this comes from as i type (i just developed my ow model inside my head) : This is from Leo's video : How to control Anger : http://actualized.org/articles/how-to-control-anger

You have a certain model of reality. You have a certain thought process and belief process about how reality should be. You have certain ideals. Maybe one of your ideals is being honest. Maybe another ideal of yours is performing work well. Maybe another ideal of yours is being very creative. Maybe another ideal of yours is being humorous.

What happens is, we all have these ideals, for each person’s a little bit different. What happens is, we have these ideals and when we see other people not fulfilling those ideals, which are ours, they might not be those person’s ideals, then we get angry at it.

For example, we see somebody lying, we catch someone in a lie, and we say “Ah! You’re lying! You shouldn’t be doing that. You should be honouring honesty.” We get angry at that person, even though if we go and do a search, we can find cases where we ourselves have done similar things in the past.

Or it could be with humour. I had one client at one time who was really into humour. He loved to do comedy, he loved to do improv. One of the things that was really high on his list of values was humour. One of the things he really didn’t like were humourless people.

Why is that? Because he has this value of humour, of joy, of funniness, and when he doesn’t perceive it in others, then he doesn’t like that. It rubs him the wrong way. We’re going to get into the deeper reasons of why that is in a second.

I hope this clears up a lot of things

Edited February 23, 2016 by Natura Sonoris

[Sarah Marie]

@Natura Sonoris Yes! I completely agree about my ego and being why I posted this. I do understand that's what's happening, but struggle with how to get out of it, without feeling like I want to go live in a cabin in the woods alone. I am going to re watch those two videos, I know it will help. 

I found myself feeling like, I would support them in ANY of their changes even if I didn't agree so why can't they just support me. I understand this is victim energy and needs to be fixed on my part.

[Natura Sonoris]

@Sarah_Flagg I will come soon to reply on this.

[Simon Zackrisson]

3 hours ago, Sarah_Flagg said:

People completely blow my mind. I have been working on myself for years. I finally got to a place where I am genuinely happy and focused only to have those around me talk about their "concern" for me.

At first I took their concerns seriously, then I went to my therapist (who I've seen on and off for years) and she pretty much told me that misery loves company.

All the choices I make are healthy, I have been eating more plant based meals (all my friends and family eat the American Diet), I have cut out social media, I don't watch hardly any TV, I read a lot more, I am going to life coaching school, and I started going on hikes/outside more.

My friend told me I was being manic. My husband decided he was going to bring up every fuck up since 2008 and get upset with me because apparently he "repressed" his emotions (for 8 damn years). I lost a lot of weight and now I'm "too skinny" according to family.

It is completely blowing my mind that the second I finally am happy completely focused on me this happens. Then they all get pissed when I say I am happy doing these things. 

I can admit things I used to think we're a big deal aren't anymore, I don't really hold as tight grip on my old beliefs. I realize I have changed. 

I just don't get it, I have deliberately worked to change each one of these behaviors using visualization, affirmations, etc. 

I am so thankful for this Forum because I have never felt more dissconnected from those who are around me.

They don't understand when I say I'm not going to revert back, I just feel like that's impossible with all this stuff I know now.

Has this happened to anyone else? 

 

 

 

Reading positivity makes me pretty happy actually.

I'm happy for u sara 

Perhaps a tip is to use the rationalization: Forgive them for they do not know. 

Their subconscious is conditioned to not want to let go of valuable social contacts.

Simply: they looovvvvvvve you too much to see u go

eh ok so they love me but they dont want to see me happy in life they just want me for their emotion...+?????

Hm. Hmmmmm 

 

Forgive them for they do not know. 

(Not saying you have any fucking obligation to maintain this status-quo however.)

[Ida]

My friend(intimate) is also once in a while, when he is hurt, talking about that since I got into personal development everything between us has become worse, then he ask: don't you think so? And I'm like: no, I haven't felt this happy and in control since maybe when I was a child. I'm not so good at coming up with advice. Maybe it's also just to reflect upon and you will find out if your husband, friend and family just has to adjust. But else I would think it's now about getting even deeper in touch with yourself, dealing(feeling) with your emotions and then carry on. 

[Dhana Choko]

Maybe these people are just selfish and scared, as people very often are. Maybe they care about you and in their small mind they are afraid of losing you. That they do not know who you are and what you have with them will be lost. If you think of it like that, it is kind of beautiful.

[Sarah Marie]

6 minutes ago, Dhana Choko said:

Maybe these people are just selfish and scared, as people very often are. Maybe they care about you and in their small mind they are afraid of losing you. That they do not know who you are and what you have with them will be lost. If you think of it like that, it is kind of beautiful.

I didn't think about this in the slightest. It takes the frustration away, this is why I post here, people give me different perspectives. 

[Stef]

It's simple - people don't want to see you succeed. I'm becoming more and more aware of it every single day. Especially if they have known you for a long time and are stuck in a certain mindset.

You should be really careful about who you hang out with, what you share etc. because others will always try to bring you down. 

[Sarah Marie]

@Simon Zackrisson Thats me, I'm that crab. LOL.

[Kelley White]

Thank you for the post @Sarah_Flagg.  I've experienced this myself. Thank you.

[Leo Gura]

Of course! What else is to be expected from unaware people trying to maintain their own homeostasis?

I cover this topic in this video:

http://www.actualized.org/articles/how-to-deal-with-criticism-trolls-and-haters

When I went from being fat to being healthy, my parents told me that I should fatten back up. And my Mom still tells me this after 10 years of my being fit and her being overweight. Go figure.

I recently changed my diet again to improve it even more. Mostly vegetarian now. I feel great. My Mom keep complaining it's unhealthy while herself eating garbage. Lol

[Sarah Marie]

@Leo Gura SERIOUSLY, my freaking life. I eat mostly vegetarian now too and my family doesn't understand why I pre make my food and eat it at family dinners. Maybe I don't want to eat velveta on top of pizza (gag). I need to re-watch that video because I have watched it. I literally do not know how to bridge this gap and stay where I'm at. I feel like I'm going to end up happy alone in a cabin eating my raw veggies. 

[Leo Gura]

5 minutes ago, Sarah_Flagg said:

I feel like I'm going to end up happy alone in a cabin eating my raw veggies. 

Own it!

Have the courage to follow your own path wherever it leads. And have faith that the right people will show up on it. Not necessarily your existing people. But the *right* people.

I notice lots of folks get hung up on this point. They try to take their whole family and social circle on the hero's journey with them. And that will never work. You gotta let your family be themselves and you leave the nest. After the bird learns to fly, she doesn't stay circling the old-folks nest. She flies to new lands and starts her own nest.

So start your own nest in the cabin in the woods

[Natura Sonoris]

@Sarah_Flagg Sorry for delay, but i had to do smt yesterday anyway. Anyway, you got your answer already. People are used to see you in one way and their egos cant deal with it. They are losing control over you and that scares them, and they will just try to pull you back in. 

One good example that i can remember now is when my friend kept pushing that we order pizza from local fast food. I said no thanks, i will eat at my place since it is 2 mins walk plus i will eat raw veggies which are far better than pizza. Then he said : oh just order veggie pizza thats same shit. I said nah, thats bullshit in any way possible plus i aint paying 4 euros for 2 mins walk home LOL. After some time i just stopped talking since after 3,4 points i realized it is a brick wall.

But anyway, best advice is not taking anything personally even if you are closely related to the person. Be aware that in these situations, your ego will swing here into emotions and it will pull that "defence" mode. Then you will get in arguments, victim mode etc. and thats just waste if energy. Try to be aware when it happens. When it does happen, just sit down and see what happened there on your part (ego talking to its self his own bullshit xD)