People Who Have Overcome Suicidal Thoughts: What Got You Through It When Your Brain/mind Said "no" To Life? Just A Incredible Strong Belief That It Will Get Better?

[Nadosa]

Just a question, especially when there are several mind attacks. I always notice myself being confused after such attacks and ask myself if I truly am suicidal, I generally take the minds words for true, like compulsions. I have never dealt with suicidal thoughts before and they hit me out of the blue.

I just am confused what I can rely on when the mind says 'no'. These thoughts actually dont make sense at all but I cant stop analyzing what may have caused them to occur.

However, I never had specific plans and I know that I actually am not suicidal (or am I?), so for what reason does my mind spit those distressing thoughts at me? When someone is suicidal, is he/she also confused? I never said: Ok now it is time to die and I WANT to die.

It was always like I couldnt imagine living with those thoughts but when they werent there I was completely different, yet I have a stronger bound to the thoughts  (because thoughts were normal to me), and I regularly have to check them...

First I had this crippling fear of the thoughts, now this barrier somehow disappeared and I am lost. 

Edited November 6, 2017 by Nadosa

[jjer94]

If you're confused, you're not being honest with yourself. Deep down, there's something you're not admitting. A few months ago, I was at this point too. At some points, I could barely get out of bed. 

I realized that I was repressing my truth. In truth, I didn't want to die. Rather, I desperately wanted to live. But I felt trapped. Maybe you resonate? If so, explore your own thoughts and see what's under all of these suicidal thoughts. Contemplate why you feel so drawn to do it. Go further than the nihilistic thoughts, the thoughts that others have wronged you. Look deep at your own feelings, e.g. "I feel trapped and lonely and sad." That's a good start.

Oftentimes, taking thoughts too seriously is a symptom of being dissociated from the body. What personally got me out of my slump was cultivating body awareness: daily walks, yoga, meditation, and breathing exercises. A simple walk every day can do wonders for you.

Quote

“It is not so much the meaning of life that we seek but our aliveness. When we have that, the meaning of life is obvious.”
Anodea Judith

 

[Nadosa]

6 hours ago, jjer94 said:

If you're confused, you're not being honest with yourself. Deep down, there's something you're not admitting. A few months ago, I was at this point too. At some points, I could barely get out of bed. 

I realized that I was repressing my truth. In truth, I didn't want to die. Rather, I desperately wanted to live. But I felt trapped. Maybe you resonate? If so, explore your own thoughts and see what's under all of these suicidal thoughts. Contemplate why you feel so drawn to do it. Go further than the nihilistic thoughts, the thoughts that others have wronged you. Look deep at your own feelings, e.g. "I feel trapped and lonely and sad." That's a good start.

Oftentimes, taking thoughts too seriously is a symptom of being dissociated from the body. What personally got me out of my slump was cultivating body awareness: daily walks, yoga, meditation, and breathing exercises. A simple walk every day can do wonders for you.

 

I can indeed resonate. I was severely dissociated from February to June/July (depersonalized), but I NEVER had suicidal thoughts. That's the reason I am so overwhelmed, because there is actually no reason to be suicidal, it is mostly just a lack of purpose and my mind who suddenly switched.

I really dont know what my mind wants to tell me?

Edited November 7, 2017 by Nadosa

[Buba]

Sometimes I think about suicide to escape overwhelming pain, but sometimes I think about suicide, because I feel emptiness inside. It is not pain actually. I just feel detached from everything, even from my parents and other loved ones.

[ajasatya]

21 hours ago, Nadosa said:

I just am confused what I can rely on when the mind says 'no'.

you cannot fight thoughts with more thoughts, that's for sure. in order to heal yourself from any kind of thinking pattern, you need to go completely out of the box and drop the entire game of thinking. it's your addiction.

i bet you consider yourself a smart guy. drop it!

[Nadosa]

I wish I wouldnt have OCD. But I also considered it the one and only cure, dropping it completely. But it is so damn hard because it has to happen as fast as possible.

Edited November 7, 2017 by Nadosa

[jjer94]

@Nadosa That is why I suggest cultivating body awareness... go for a walk my friend. Thirty minutes of walking will do better for you than a couple straight hours of thinking about thinking.

[Nadosa]

I will do that, though the weather outside resembles the fight in my mind, it is just ridiculous how much power the mind has over my body. When I tried to meditate the last two weeks I felt so incredibly tired after 5 mins then I didnt even notice that I was dreaming, not meditating. Same with exercising, running, it feels like my mind has the complete control over my body. After 10 mins running my mind just shut down and I felt like I better go to bed now.

Any suggestions to be more aware without getting sleepy? I dont want to make it a habit.

Edited November 7, 2017 by Nadosa

[Elisabeth]

I admitt that I have only been kinda-close to suicidal a few times in my life and it was never an unshakeable stream of thoughts, rather a feeling of "oh my god I can't deal with this anymore I want to die". What I have observed though with great surprise is that this feeling and thought actually doesn't respond to any unmanageable outside reality (as it pretends), but to a very here and now sense of exhaustion. So my - admittedly overly simplistic, but has worked for me - recipe for being suicidal is "take a nap"  

Sorry if this doesn't help. 

[Spiral]

Question: how common are suicidal thoughts? I have them on bad days. But I'm suicidal "technically" all the time which messes up my priorities.

I'm a happy and positive person in general though. 

[Nadosa]

Not answering your question, I would like to add that I just dont know what happened, I wish I had a rational answer, maybe bad food reaction? I really felt like there was no way not to react to the thoughts, like inescapable, and I even had a long journey with intrusive anxious thoughts before. So this one was from another sort. I literally felt like going into a dark tunnel with no turning back and there was nothing I could do about it.

Edited November 7, 2017 by Nadosa

[thatguy]

10 hours ago, Nadosa said:

I will do that, though the weather outside resembles the fight in my mind, it is just ridiculous how much power the mind has over my body. When I tried to meditate the last two weeks I felt so incredibly tired after 5 mins then I didnt even notice that I was dreaming, not meditating. Same with exercising, running, it feels like my mind has the complete control over my body. After 10 mins running my mind just shut down and I felt like I better go to bed now.

Any suggestions to be more aware without getting sleepy? I dont want to make it a habit.

The biggest thing that has helped  me is zazen meditation. Not Buddhism, the physical practice of maintaining the posture and following the breath. If you stay with it, your "resting awareness" will begin to occupy your body as opposed to your head. You starve the part of your brain that keeps rattling on and on; therefore, thinking less. You'll also begin to detach from what thoughts you do have, so your emotional/physical reactions will lessen over time. You WILL also get stronger as a result of sitting, so EVERYTHING becomes easier, more manageable, less daunting, etc.

Also, the zen walking meditation, "kinhin," complements the sitting quite well by further reinforcing the body awareness. 

I just had my 37th birthday last month. It was the first birthday I felt thankful and happy to celebrate since I was 4. I started sitting in January 2017.

The zazen is also helping me recover from old injuries; partial ACL tear, tendinitis in wrists and elbows, bulging disk, sciatica, and the subsequent pain from physical misalignment.

Will zazen cure everything? I doubt it, but it helps a whole hell of a lot. I hope you're in touch with a therapist/counselor, or at the very least in-person contact with a support group of some sort.

Again, by "zazen" I mean the actual meditation posture and following the breath, none of the ceremonies/doctrine, etc. 

All the best to you. I've been there more times than I can remember. If I can get out of that  mode of being, anyone can.  

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

 

On 07/11/2017 at 8:48 AM, ajasatya said:

you cannot fight thoughts with more thoughts

THIS!

 

Tai Chi helps a lot to allow the energy in your body to flow more freely. Body awareness is key to quieting the mind. And not even yoga has helped gain more sovereignty over my body than Tai Chi. If you are feeling stuck, Tai Chi helps you reconnect to the natural cycle of nature, in which there is no specific effort. Instead, everything flows ininterruptly. I used to have the hardest time meditating, but now it has gotten much better! Tai Chi is a dynamic meditation, if you will. 

There are so many other variables that can be contributting to your unhappiness... Do you have a true friend?

A final tip: learn how to breathe in your abdomen. This can save your life during a crisis. You lie down very confortably, place a folded blanket on your belly. Relax your shoulders, your jaw, and give a big sigh. Now, focus on expanding your abdomen lightly and very gently. Pay attention to the contact between the blanket and your belly.

When you are doing this technique, you are taking refuge in your roots. When we go back to our roots, we feel safe. Stay there as much as you need. Thich Nhat Hahn recommends to practice this exercise daily for 5 minutes. In 2 weeks, he says, we will be able to go through emotional storms and leave unharmed.

 

@jjer94 Thank you for sharing your experience

 

[Nadosa]

Thank you so much!

First thing I must change, is the whole perspective of this thing. My mind tricked me by telling me that I am not able to ground myself anymore, that leads me to 24/7 uncertainty, feelings of walking on thin ice, like the threshold of feeling safe was transcended. Since that day, I have a strange time perception and everything regarding "time", what currently happens (news for example), triggers my mind and it tells me: "well, you had suicidal thoughts, why are you still here?" After that I get a feeling of what I am doing here anymore and feel like I cant be present, especially that I cant let these thought patterns go. I have a strange belief, that suicidal thoughts HAVE to end in suicide.

Can I trick my mind out of it, simply by seeing this whole state differently? Primarily, I accepted that I might be suicidal, so I said I will do everything to get out of this state instead of fearing it.

[Berjohansen]

Trust me on this one. As long as you are afraid and reach out for help like you are doing then you are not suicidal. Atleast not right now. Sounds more to me that you actually are afraid OF dying, Not quite sure if you can trust your self wich is a very hurtfull thing.. To be honest with you i have never been able to get out of those states (wich has come every 3 years last 15 years) alone. The two last times my ex wife has told my doctor whats up and they have tricked me there wich has led to proper short-term medication, some months with a psychiatrist and im back in my old happy self.. At those points i have written text to my facebook goodbye video, found the right music, knew how and when to do it (always some months ahead dont know why) and was more afraid that i would survive than die.. If i where you i would get someone professional who can help you straiten out what your brain is doing so you can get on the right path of helping yourself alone.. Im temted to recommend a shroom trip or two wich gives me extremely good overwiev whats going on and what to do wich i never had before. But everyone should always start at the doctors office in my opinion.. I really hope you get on top of this and hope you get well soon. Ive been there and my life is perfect now so so should yours be to?

If there is anything i could do or you have questions drop me a pm!

[Pebble]

My Psychoanalyst once told me that the desire to stay alive can be very strong, he's a doctor also and he told me that once he saw a cop with a bullet in his head obviously in a very bad situation but still alive.

I have had a lot of depression in my life, why didn't I attempted suicide yet? Because I am just too scared to die anyways or even worse being crippled.

[JoJo]

Hi everyone, I'm new to the site and was drawn to this thread as I frequently have suicidal images in my mind.  I don't know that I'd say I think about suicide or desire it, but I sometimes get images of very clearly ending my life in different ways.

It was interesting to read through some of the responses.  I do try to do yoga, meditate, eat well, etc etc but my son is disabled and his care needs are quite complex so some days I run out of time or if I'm really tired I just fall asleep as soon as I start to relax.  I feel incredibly trapped by our situation, physically, mentally, emotionally, financially.  So the post on feeling suicidal because of feeling trapped really resonated with me.  There are some good thoughts and ideas on here.  I look forward to reading more and getting to know people better

[Buba]

On 11/8/2017 at 7:48 PM, Gabriel Antonio said:

Tai Chi helps a lot to allow the energy in your body to flow more freely. Body awareness is key to quieting the mind. And not even yoga has helped gain more sovereignty over my body than Tai Chi. If you are feeling stuck, Tai Chi helps you reconnect to the natural cycle of nature, in which there is no specific effort. Instead, everything flows ininterruptly. I used to have the hardest time meditating, but now it has gotten much better! Tai Chi is a dynamic meditation, if you will. 

 

Is not Tai chi a martial art? Or there is a tai chi meditation as well?

[Nadosa]

On 7.11.2017 at 11:48 AM, ajasatya said:

you cannot fight thoughts with more thoughts, that's for sure. in order to heal yourself from any kind of thinking pattern, you need to go completely out of the box and drop the entire game of thinking. it's your addiction.

i bet you consider yourself a smart guy. drop it!

Thank you my friend. That seems to be the cure. You're a blessing + Jjer. I have been very terribly addicted to destructive thought patterns and believed they were true. It is unbelievably hard to climb out of the quicksand once you stuck entirely in it. 

Edited November 14, 2017 by Nadosa

[ajasatya]

On 07/11/2017 at 0:54 PM, Nadosa said:

After 10 mins running my mind just shut down and I felt like I better go to bed now.

Any suggestions to be more aware without getting sleepy? I dont want to make it a habit.

it's a temporary pattern.

the only moment that the typical mind stops is right before sleep time, so your body created a correlation between slow thoughts and sleep time.

achieve more peaceful moments during the day and be mindful of the fact that it's not sleep time yet. it will take a while, but you should get used to it.