Falling Up

[FrenchieKnight]

Ive hit rock bottom.

Fantasies that have taken over my life.

an obsessive twitch that controls me

Im addicted to food

Im addicted to validation and other people's approval

Im addicted to rumination 

Ive been avoiding and distracting myself from my loneliness my entire life. 

Ive been lonely for a very very long time. Lonely to my core. Lonely and alone since I was young. 

Bullied into self hate and isolation.

Ive stayed on isolation island, yet always trying to distract myself from the pain of it, of never getting off. 

I am afraid of loneliness, pain,

I am afraid of rejection and intimacy 

I want to connect, but I disconnect myself first, giving myself the first out, before others can 

The pain of being alone and rejected has caused me to live in a false reality where I day dream senarios of approval, popularity, beauty, self worth and validation 

Only to create impossible standards and movie like scenes, which upon realising will never happen in real life and are certainly not happening now, are disappointing and which send me back into the world where I get my way and I can control, I can escape, I can live the life that makes me feel vindicated

BUT NO MORE

I choose pain, I choose reality

I choose the loneliness and the boredom of not being special, or liked 

I am tired of chasing other people's dreams, or trying to be the dream I think they have for me, which is my own projection and agenda onto them

I am sick of self defeating, of feeling low, unworthy, unloved

I am on a journey to self actualize

I have hit rock bottom in many other ways, in many other times, but I see this as a new way to fall up 

working towards living in the reality, no matter how much I dont like it, or dont get my way

My way hasnt gotten me much so far- only disconnection and depression 

this 

is 

the path

I choose to follow 

facing and releasing demons, bad habits, unhelpful thoughts, 

coming to reality

coming home 

[FrenchieKnight]

I am starting on the heros journey.

Today I sat

I learned how to be

I faced the demons that came

OF the many things that presented themselves

Here is a foundational truth, or I should say lie, that I have been believing my whole life

I grew up alone and isolated, always looking in from the outside

Wanting to be loved, admired, adored, thought about, lusted after 

In total isolation, I had TV and movies to distract me from my loneliness

As a young girl, I would see the beautiful people 

Their beautiful bodies and their flaunted sexuality

I came to believe that in order to get the love or attention I wanted

I had to look and act like that

I have been trying to gain attention with physical appearance and sexuality

Only, the attention I have merited is fleeting, unsatisfying, shallow and never ending 

So much emphasis has been put on the physical

Girls, use your boobs, have nice long legs, have guys talk about your ass, dress like a slut but dont act like one

wow, so much of our selves have been sexualised, and devalued 

Girls grow up to believe this is all we have to offer, this is how we get our mate, this is what we need to be/do/look like to feel validated,

the problem is not only in trying to get that validation, but in the validation we are getting 

There is more to a human than their body, there is more to us then our sexuality

This culture is hyper sexualised... its sickening