What Can I Actually Do To Not Feel Like Shit Because Of Not Getting Laid?

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[Leo Gura]

22 hours ago, Timotheus said:

@Leo Gura Wtf. Is going to a monastery really an option?

It is, just watch your cornhole

[Hardkill]

Wow! I can't believe how naive I was to think that practically all Buddhist monks are saints unlike the Catholic Priests. I don't know why I didn't realize this earlier. 

Also, I actually thought that Leo gave some invaluable pieces of wisdom and knowledge here on sex and meditation. This thread actually turned out to be genuinely great.

OP, I feel your pain. I am not a virgin anymore and have slept with a few girls from online dating and fooled around with a couple from warm approaching. Yet, I've been rejected by about a thousand girls (even though I close to getting laid with some of them), despite my model looks over a period of about 3 years of approaching girls in all kinds of venues, having tried my best with online dating, looking up all kinds of PUA material, etc. I wonder if pickup doesn't work for everyone. Or maybe it does work for literally anyone who is mentally sane, but demands a serious amount of investment of time and commitment to make continual significant progress at it, as Leo stated.

Btw, most legit PUA experts say that to truly get the most effective results with pickup that you need to approach at least 20-40 girls a week every week. Unfortunately, I haven't had the luxury to this at this point in my life now because of my financial and academic life along with my parents who I not only live with, but also don't approve of pickup that have gotten in the way of making a serious commitment to cold/warm approaching a lot. Yet maybe you don't have any of these obstacles like I do. If so then perhaps you have more of a choice then I do of approaching 20-40 girls a week every week in public venues.

 

Now, I would advise not approaching random girls you've never met either in your class (if you go to school) or workplace or clubs or gyms you belong to or any kind of organization you belong to. Otherwise, you could jeopardize your career at your job or risk losing your membership at any other place you are a member of. Believe me, I've gotten kicked out of a gym and a mall for approaching random girls I've never met before even when I was very polite and had no intention at all of stalking or creeping any of them out. A lot of security guards and managers in virtually any store or club like "protecting" girls unnecessarily like white knight douchebags. Yet, If you can kicked out for harmlessly approaching a lot of women at a store or club, then you risk creating greater consequences to your life if you cold approach random girls who are strangers or acquaintances to you at work or in any of your classes at school. The only exception to this is actually approaching girls on a relatively big university campus or community college campus outside of a classroom or school gym as long as you don't stalk them or approach like a drunkard or crazy weirdo. Small campuses can be riskier than big ones because you're less likely to be anonymous when constantly approaching a college or grad school girl on a small campus.

Edited November 9, 2017 by Hardkill

[Hardkill]

On 11/3/2017 at 2:24 AM, see_on_see said:

Be careful not to get stuck in this "as an IT guy I'm a logical person so I can't do it" thing, that's just a role you play based on sets of beliefs and habits, and it's a paradigm lock that can get you stuck in unfulfilment for years or decades if you don't become aware of it. 

The very point of learning female attraction IS precisely to become more intuitive and get out of your head.

The idea of doing pickup like a robot following steps and rules and creeping everyone out is a cartoon version of pickup and a total misconception of it arising precisely from the fact that most guys getting into pickup are left brain-oriented logical guys and they are seeing the whole thing from the wrong angle. Perhaps a necessary step, except most guys quit after they experience the inevitable failure, before realizing there has to be a total paradigm shift. 

Also don't learn from the wrong teachers. Look for female attraction and relationships teachers like Corey Wayne, and avoid the pickup stuff like RSD, which in my opinion will only mislead you if you haven't had that paradigm shift already. 

Corey Wayne isn’t that great. His ideas and understanding of certain ideas pertaining to relationships is mostly right. However, his methods of picking up and dating women are relatively ineffective according my experience. His advice on online dating is even worse.

Edited November 9, 2017 by Hardkill

[Pebble]

I have expertise in online dating, hell I've been doing it for at least the past 6 years, so I've got laid a lot.

It can turn into an addiction but I don't regret it (I do regret cheating on 2 of the girls).

I don't think this is something you should meditate away, Picking up girls is definitely something every man should learn.

Right now I do admit I'm tired of it, but at least I know how to talk to women, what to avoid etc... 

[Hardkill]

Btw, I forgot to mention that I don’t like the fact that Corey Wayne is a Trump supporter. Trump supporters are usually not smart and believe in outdated simple- minded concepts with any thing in life.

[Hardkill]

Also Leo, would you consider virgins who are in their mid twenties or older to have an exceptional talent for being celibate?

Edited November 10, 2017 by Hardkill

[Elisabeth]

@MM1988 I was reading The Antidote by Oliver Burkeman and came upon something which reminded me of this thread, so I'm sharing in case it's useful to you or someone reading along.  

As a girl I don't like pickup (I don't like the idea of guys approaching me for sex only), but if this is how talking to a lot of girls works - making you not afraid of rejection - I guess that's useful. 

[ajasatya]

On 02/11/2017 at 3:06 PM, MM1988 said:

What Can I Actually Do To Not Feel Like Shit Because Of Not Getting Laid?

let go of the belief that getting laid means success. i've met many inpiring people who practice celibate. even i did it for a while.

what does the word success mean to you?

[Hardkill]

4 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

@MM1988 I was reading The Antidote by Oliver Burkeman and came upon something which reminded me of this thread, so I'm sharing in case it's useful to you or someone reading along.  

As a girl I don't like pickup (I don't like the idea of guys approaching me for sex only), but if this is how talking to a lot of girls works - making you not afraid of rejection - I guess that's useful. 

Why don’t u like it when guys approach u just for sex? Sex should be just for fun.

[Elisabeth]

1 hour ago, Hardkill said:

Why don’t u like it when guys approach u just for sex? Sex should be just for fun.

Sex is something deeply intimate for me. Bonding feelings of love and closeness ensue. It's extremely easy to cause hurt to these feelings unintentionally. I need some emotional security to have sex - casual for fun is not going to fly for me. Also, there are very little man I feel sexually attracted to, and these attractions usually take some time (at least a few hours of observing him or interaction) to develop. All of that means pretty much that if a stranger approaches me about sex he's bound to hear a no. 

There's absolutely nothing wrong with having sex just for fun (there's certainly no SHOULD either) and some women will do it, but for me, sex is about surrender, and surrender is about trust, so I need a solid relationship or a special setting for the fun to be safe. I can enjoy bdsm or tantra on a seminar even with people I don't know well if I know that my boundaries will be respected, but I won't do PIV unless I have a relationship where, basically, I trust the guy to take responsibility in case of an unexpected pregnancy. This may sound harsh, but that's what I figure from observing my feelings, not something I impose upon myself or that I do to deny guys sex, LOL  

So to why I don't like men asking, I guess the honest answer is because it get's me into an awkward situation and showing my feelings on the topic is usually more vulnerability then I want to be with that person. 

Also, if these requests are done out of a deep frustration or perceived scarcity I have to deal with the disappointment of that person following my refusal. I can feel all those negative emotions of the one asking. 

Also, I want to be valued for more than being pretty (or worse having a pussy), so it feels devaluating if a man only wants sex with me and not a relationship. (That one is quite irrational and possibly conditioning, I know.)

Also, it feels threatening - I haven't yet quite figured out why, but part of it is that it's usually not a direct honest question but a man making advances and trying to get into my zone of intimacy whom I have to reject somehow. And some don't take no for a no.

So even if the question is polite, I'd either immediatelly have a second thought of "what's gonna be next?" or, if it's a stranger, a perplexed "why would I?" since I usually don't feel attracted to unknown men. 

But maybe I'll change my mind on not feeling attraction if I ever get single and horny 

Edited November 11, 2017 by Elisabeth

[Hardkill]

3 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

Sex is something deeply intimate for me. Bonding feelings of love and closeness ensue. It's extremely easy to cause hurt to these feelings unintentionally. I need some emotional security to have sex - casual for fun is not going to fly for me. Also, there are very little man I feel sexually attracted to, and these attractions usually take some time (at least a few hours of observing him or interaction) to develop. All of that means pretty much that if a stranger approaches me about sex he's bound to hear a no. 

There's absolutely nothing wrong with having sex just for fun (there's certainly no SHOULD either) and some women will do it, but for me, sex is about surrender, and surrender is about trust, so I need a solid relationship or a special setting for the fun to be safe. I can enjoy bdsm or tantra on a seminar even with people I don't know well if I know that my boundaries will be respected, but I won't do PIV unless I have a relationship where, basically, I trust the guy to take responsibility in case of an unexpected pregnancy. This may sound harsh, but that's what I figure from observing my feelings, not something I impose upon myself or that I do to deny guys sex, LOL  

So to why I don't like men asking, I guess the honest answer is because it get's me into an awkward situation and showing my feelings on the topic is usually more vulnerability then I want to be with that person. 

Also, if these requests are done out of a deep frustration or perceived scarcity I have to deal with the disappointment of that person following my refusal. I can feel all those negative emotions of the one asking. 

Also, I want to be valued for more than being pretty (or worse having a pussy), so it feels devaluating if a man only wants sex with me and not a relationship. (That one is quite irrational and possibly conditioning, I know.)

Also, it feels threatening - I haven't yet quite figured out why, but part of it is that it's usually not a direct honest question but a man making advances and trying to get into my zone of intimacy whom I have to reject somehow. And some don't take no for a no.

So even if the question is polite, I'd either immediatelly have a second thought of "what's gonna be next?" or, if it's a stranger, a perplexed "why would I?" since I usually don't feel attracted to unknown men. 

But maybe I'll change my mind on not feeling attraction if I ever get single and horny 

I see. Well, that’s a fair enough answer. I guess not every girl desires to have casual sex.

Now let me ask you this. Do u feel that there’s a very limited amount of guys for to choose from in this world?

[Elisabeth]

1 hour ago, Hardkill said:

I see. Well, that’s a fair enough answer. I guess not every girl desires to have casual sex.

Now let me ask you this. Do u feel that there’s a very limited amount of guys for to choose from in this world?

I'd even say my attitude is rather typical, or at least certainly not uncommon (my wild guess would be that ~60% girls and ~30% guys don't wanna do casual, but it really is a wild guess). That's why monogamy is still an acceptable model for a lot of couples. 

If I feel I have a limited dating pool? Actually, no, I don't feel like that, although I guess it's factually true  because I also have high standards concerning intelligence and other traits. Wanting to wait with sex a bit into a relationship hasn't limited me in any way so far. Only rarely feeling sexually attracted ... yeah, perhaps, now that I'm thinking of it, that's a bit limiting. But see, even if I'm only interested in 2% of guys ... I only need to build a good relationship with one (or two or three ;)) of them who's also interested. 

[Hardkill]

1 hour ago, Elisabeth said:

I'd even say my attitude is rather typical, or at least certainly not uncommon (my wild guess would be that ~60% girls and ~30% guys don't wanna do casual, but it really is a wild guess). That's why monogamy is still an acceptable model for a lot of couples. 

If I feel I have a limited dating pool? Actually, no, I don't feel like that, although I guess it's factually true  because I also have high standards concerning intelligence and other traits. Wanting to wait with sex a bit into a relationship hasn't limited me in any way so far. Only rarely feeling sexually attracted ... yeah, perhaps, now that I'm thinking of it, that's a bit limiting. But see, even if I'm only interested in 2% of guys ... I only need to build a good relationship with one (or two or three ;)) of them who's also interested. 

So, if there are only 2% of the guys out there in the world that would have even the slightest hint of interest in, then how does someone like you keep faith in the idea that you will find that amazing one for you?

Also, are you sure that the reason for not having casual sex is not because you're afraid of being judged as a slut?

 

[Elisabeth]

2 hours ago, Hardkill said:

Also, are you sure that the reason for not having casual sex is not because you're afraid of being judged as a slut?

 

Absolutely. 

Look, I've actually tried doing sexual stuff with guys whom I knew. I didn't have to go all the way to PIV to find the whole thing confusing and unfulfilling. (Unless when both of us could give it an extra spiritual dimension.) 

Besides, I'm dating a polyamorous man. I'm being judged anyway. 

If you'd ask about fear of diseases and pregnancy, that would be a more complicated question, if you'd ask about vulnerability, that's on spot here as I stated above. 

Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed this excursion into female (or at least my) psychology. What are your experiences with casual sex? Did you meet a lot of women who were up for fun?

Edited November 12, 2017 by Elisabeth

[Hardkill]

20 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

Absolutely. 

Look, I've actually tried doing sexual stuff with guys whom I knew. I didn't have to go all the way to PIV to find the whole thing confusing and unfulfilling. (Unless when both of us could give it an extra spiritual dimension.) 

Besides, I'm dating a polyamorous man. I'm being judged anyway. 

If you'd ask about fear of diseases and pregnancy, that would be a more complicated question, if you'd ask about vulnerability, that's on spot here as I stated above. 

Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed this excursion into female (or at least my) psychology. What are your experiences with casual sex? Did you meet a lot of women who were up for fun?

This has been very interesting indeed. 

So, who has been judging you and have there been any social or familial consequences with you?

I too am afraid of getting diseases and getting a girl pregnant. That was one of the reasons why I didn't lose my virginity until I was 27 and 3/4 years old and finally felt desperate for sex and love. I still am afraid of getting STDs, but my fear of them has been reduced greatly ever since I've madeout with over 20-30 girls and have gotten laid with 3 girls and almost got PIV laid with two other girls (I fondled and fingered a lot with those girls). Regarding pregnancy issues, guys these days have a lot to worry about with getting a girl pregnant because of the current laws regarding chid support. If a guy impregantes a girl or woman, then he has to pay her child support for the child. She could abort the baby, but if I am not mistaken, most women don't choose abortion.

Casual sex is fun, but at the same it can depress me when the girl ditches me after a one-night stand or after a couple of dates. Interesting, I lost my virginity from a one-night stand with a girl who had a boyfriend and the first thing she did after making out and rubbing my cock in my pants was blow me and deep throat me in public. Then we went to my car and fucked in there.

 

Edited November 12, 2017 by Hardkill

[Shin]

Realizing sex is just a distraction that your mind puts up in order to sustain the barrier it created between itself and happiness.
Untill then, you will crave it, and it will never be enough.

That's just an excuse, if it wouldn't be sex, then it would be success, or your look, or your bank account, there is literally millions of reasons not to be happy.

The answer is to delve into your depression, to feel it totally, not repressing it or trying to get away from it.
It's the only thing there is to do, but your will find all the excuses in the world not to do it, because deep down you need this pain, it makes you who you are, your very sense of identity is in it.

 

Edited November 13, 2017 by Shin

[Thorny_arms]

I went through the same sort of situation. I went 5 years without so much as a kiss from a woman, and became depressed and lost all confidence in myself. 

What I learned from this experience is that women really pick up on your lack of confidence, and are repelled. Essentially, not getting laid is keeping you from getting laid. It's not a fun cycle, but you can break it.

My advice would be to find something other than sex to bring you out of your funk and boost that confidence. Or if there is some situation or setting where you have more confidence, try to find women there (e.g. if you are a decent singer, go to a karaoke bar).

Or just go to a bar and strike up conversations with women without the intention of having sex with them. Make it purely about conversation. You might find yourself forgetting about sex and actually enjoying the night. Once you feel comfortable that negative aura will lift away and maybe draw someone in. Sex will happen eventually; you just have to convince yourself of that.

Best of luck!

[Hardkill]

1 hour ago, Thorny_arms said:

I went through the same sort of situation. I went 5 years without so much as a kiss from a woman, and became depressed and lost all confidence in myself. 

What I learned from this experience is that women really pick up on your lack of confidence, and are repelled. Essentially, not getting laid is keeping you from getting laid. It's not a fun cycle, but you can break it.

My advice would be to find something other than sex to bring you out of your funk and boost that confidence. Or if there is some situation or setting where you have more confidence, try to find women there (e.g. if you are a decent singer, go to a karaoke bar).

Or just go to a bar and strike up conversations with women without the intention of having sex with them. Make it purely about conversation. You might find yourself forgetting about sex and actually enjoying the night. Once you feel comfortable that negative aura will lift away and maybe draw someone in. Sex will happen eventually; you just have to convince yourself of that.

Best of luck!

That all sounds good, but I tried that with my martial arts for over 10 years, weightlifting for over 4 years, running for several months, yoga classes, karaoke (I happen to be a decent singer), sculpture/ceramics, etc. 

Edited November 16, 2017 by Hardkill