What Can I Actually Do To Not Feel Like Shit Because Of Not Getting Laid?

[Key Elements]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

For example, Gandhi was celibate, but not before he banged his wife's brains out for years In his autobiography he talks about how much he craved his wife in the early days. Gandhi was as horny as your average teenager.

You are saying such easy / hasty answers. Don't compare Gandhi to this topic. Gandhi had an arranged marriage at age 14, of his same caste, and lived in a different time. Of course he got to bang lots at an early age. Arranged marriage nowadays work differently. It doesn't work like it used to. If you want to find out, research and go there -- to India. Don't judge and jump to conclusions. 

But, let me tell you this. You probably already know. Sex has consequences. You can't just go and do it. What if you bang the wrong gal? Hmm..what can happen? Be creative on this.

[Leo Gura]

@Key Elements Of course it has consequences. That is another matter.

The reality is that human beings are horny creatures. To pretend otherwise actually makes the horniness more dangerous, not less.

[MM1988]

When I went out to do pickup with a friend I approached dozens of girls per night with a friend. However, most of them were only interrested in my friend, even though I approached he was always the more interresting option. After a couple months of this he got a girlfriend that way and I had nobody to go out with anymore. he didnt even do pickup so I thought to myself why would I have to read all these stupid books, cringy routines etc. when for 99% of men it just works without any of it. Thats why I quit pickup. The next couple of years I just let it "flow" tried to meet girls naturally through social circle etc. but nothing happend of course. 

 

The problem is there is never really a romantic connection. Girls never give me signals, they do their best to make it feel like a friendship right from the start. Sometimes I make a move anyway even though my instincts tell me not do but it ends in rejection so far. I dont meet that many girls too because I work in IT, I have a hard enough time maintaining my social circle of non-IT guys on the weekends. To my surprise my IT collegues are not getting laid either, plus they dont seem to have any friends to go out with, but it seems like it doesnt bother them at all, they are happy coding or playing games at home, they hate drinking, bars and socialising. I just want to get on that level too.

 

So thats where I'm at right now and I'm out of ideas. I guess I want to meditate my desire away, because I feel like its not going to happen naturally for me and my focus is on just easing my depression now.  

Edited November 3, 2017 by MM1988

[Leo Gura]

@MM1988 You need to go approach more girls and develop some skill in this area. They aren't giving you signals because you are not attracting them with your personality, because you're probably like the typical IT guy. You need to learn how to push a girl's buttons a bit to get her attracted to you. That's called hitting the hook-point. It's hard to do at first if you're very socially awkward.

I had to approach 450+ girls before I got one to sleep with me. That's how things go when you suck with girls. But you keep learning and you get much better.

Pickup didn't work for you because you didn't really make a serious investment in it.

Imagine how cool it would be get a hot girlfriend, and to feel confident around girls? Isn't that worth some effort? Time to roll up your sleeves and get to work. It sure beats being depressed and wasting your time moping on this forum. Think about it. Pickup can be a lot of fun too. It's not like punching keys on a computer all day... oh wait... bad analogy

[Key Elements]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

@Key Elements Of course it has consequences. That is another matter.

The reality is that human beings are horny creatures. To pretend otherwise actually makes the horniness more dangerous, not less.

Yes, Leo, I completely agree with what you said here. But, if only PUA or pickup apply Spiral Dynamics to their techniques and embody it. It may be better. It may reduce the chance of having horrible consequences. I'm saying this because I just want people to be happy. Btw, I could see how Spiral Dynamics could be applied to arranged marriages nowadays.

I still say go research and go travelling across the world. You're not born knowing all this. Whoever you're with, will he/she be with you till the end? The end of life isn't easy. Research on that. It's your choice.

[MM1988]

Its correct that I probably should go out and approach more women, however I cant go back to PUA. Its not for me, besides all the things already said in Leos rant on Pickup that always rubbed me the wrong way the real number 1 reason I cant do it is because as an IT guy I'm a very pragmatic, logical person. So when I first found pickup I thought "Wow, a step by step guide for attracting girls? perfect for me", I ended up mentally masturbating about every single situation and whats the best way to respond to it word-for-word which of course failed, because this is something that has to come more naturally, which I see clearly now. I cringe at myself weriding girls out by calling them and trying to play out my script, and panicking if she said something unexpected. So I would maybe approach girls but let it flow without thinking too about making errors, "hook points", etc. nowadays. I see how it can work for some people who are more intuitive, but not for me.

 

Thanks to everyone for all the very detailed answers by the way, I enjoy reading them !

Edited November 3, 2017 by MM1988

[MM1988]

Yeah I'm trying not to identify with any role because I know its a limiting belief but I know from experience I will go about pickup the "robot way" so I just avoid it altogether. I guess I am somewhere slightly on the autism spectrum.

 

Its also why I will continue to do meditation, I feel it balances out my hard left-brained, scientific thinking, in that regard Leo is doing gods work for me because I would have immediately dismissed this stuff if it was said to me in mystical words by some yogi, people like me really needed that western/scientifc perspective on it at first.

Edited November 3, 2017 by MM1988

[art]

Check out Tom Torero. He’s the Leo of pick-up

[Wind]

From what you wrote I can feel that you have a pretty toxic view towards "learning attraction", and been engaging in pretty low-consciousness content that focuses on 'techniques' and 'gimmicks'  etc.

Read Models: How To Attract Women Through Honesty by Mark Manson
(PDF here: http://alphamalementality.com/free/Models - Mark Manson - First 3 Chapters.pdf, but I would suggest buying it.)

Reading this can totally transform the way you go about 'fixing' this area of your life, because it can help you to take off the pressure of trying to do robotic "pick up" and focus on ORGANICALLY improving yourself instead, so that you can start getting results.

Not the first time I'm suggesting this book in this forum and there is reason.

It shows how to attract women through personal development and self-awareness rather than using techniques and tactics. It focuses on emotional process of seduction rather than logical steps and how to create powerful connection with women rather than trying to impress them. Big theme on vulnerability and non-neediness. Covers how to develop yourself in three main pillars of seduction: honest living, honest action and honest communication. (And this is key, because what will you see after reading this book is that the conventional of "pick-up" plays a very small role in this process, because it's all about developing YOU first.) Focuses a lot on how to build your lifestyle in a way you're surrounded by high-quality women that resonate with your values. Full of question-exercises helping to find own limiting beliefs and increase self-awareness to help create more authentic living, action and communication. Full of real life situational examples of the author.

Change how you view "learning attraction". It's not about sex, and all about emotional connection and the self-development part itself. Right now you want to fuck, but when this is fixed, you will want to build intimate relationships which boils down to the same thing - understanding female psychology and attraction. It's about learning to connect with other people and yourself!

It's like the psychedelic odyssey for your mind.

Edited November 3, 2017 by Wind

[MM1988]

@see_on_see: On the topic of psychedelics, I have a lot of experience with MDMA but I take it primarily to dance and feel the music on a deeper level. It also gives me a glimpse of how social and happy I could be, but thats usually instantly reversed the next day when my serotonin is gone haha. I had some experiences with 2-CB but it was also a party-setting, I'm afraid to try a full-blown psychedelic so far because I'm already suffering from panic attacks and I am worried it will make my mental problems worse. I dont feel like I'm in the place to do it right now, but I plan on doing a light dose of mushrooms sometime.

 

@Wind: Thanks for the tip, I'll definitely read into that because it sounds like something that would resonate more with me.

Edited November 3, 2017 by MM1988

[SFRL]

@MM1988 what kind of girls have you been approaching? 

Any cute little nerd girls? 

[MM1988]

8 minutes ago, SFRL said:

@MM1988 what kind of girls have you been approaching? 

Any cute little nerd girls? 

All kinds really, not only the hot ones if thats what you are implying.

[SFRL]

@MM1988 so did you get any limited forms of success? Like a phone number, a kiss, holding hands, a first date etc? 

If you could do it once you can do it again. 

Edited November 3, 2017 by SFRL

[AlwaysBeNice]

7 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

It's rare that a person can go straight to celibacy. That's either extremely rare, or it's done as a kind of neurotic suppression which tends to backfire, as in the case of many Catholic priests and Buddhist monks who end up molesting children.

'Many Buddhist monks', I suppose this time you also can't provide a source?

[SFRL]

@MM1988Have you tried online dating? It works great when you are an introverted guy. And everyone is looking to date or get laid on there so there is less confusion about the intend when you start talking to those women. So it's less likely you will get friend-zoned. 

Also it is like a big catalog of women on there, and you can basically shop around for the type you like/and will respond to you. 

And the byproduct of online dating is that you will get better with women in all settings because you get more used to them. You meet those women online, but you go on actual dates with them in a setting of your choosing. Like the movies, or the restaurant, places where you can shine versus crowded places like a bar or a club. 

And you will see once you have been meeting up with women that you met online, it sticks to you, you become better at chatting up random women everywhere because you are used to being around women now. 

Really give it a try. And ask for some help setting up your online profile and some opening messages. We can help you with that. 

Edited November 3, 2017 by SFRL

[Source_Mystic]

@MM1988 Look I  get it trust me I probably understand your situation better than anyone here because of personal experience outside of what I said  I am going to say  GET OUT OF HOUSE !  When you are feeling good. Get into activity's you enjoy the more the better.  GROUP ACTIVITY'S where you can meet people.  

... but do not do that when you are depressed or needy for reasons I have already stated.

The other stuff is there to help you deal and manage the depression until you get into positive situations and relationships.

But you have to get out there and put your best foot forward take initiative and talk to woman and talk to men for that matter.  I have a sense that you do not just need  to get laid but are in dire need of more supportive people and friends.

So open your world  get out there share you truth and you curiosity with the world. If your weird share you weirdness I Guarantee there is someone out there that will appreciate you for you. In the end it is a  risk to reward ratio  and  it is a numbers game. Put yourself in situations where you are more likely to meet people with similar interest ,then just be yourself.   

Generally pick up will teach you to approach woman more successfully and ignore rejection in that I guess it has value.  I have never been into it.   Its  seems to promote manipulation and using peoples subconsciousness drives against them and its aim is generally manipulation for sex not meaningful relationships. 

 

 

 

 

 

18 hours ago, MM1988 said:

@Source_Mystic: thanks for your reply, you are right its not lack of sex but the lack of intimacy. Your tips are very good, I sometimes do keep up the fight with depression, but it just comes back again and again until Im drained and think "fuck im not in the mood to fight it anymore, just give up". It really feels like I cant win.

 

Edited November 3, 2017 by Source_Mystic

[Leo Gura]

12 hours ago, MM1988 said:

the real number 1 reason I cant do it is because as an IT guy I'm a very pragmatic, logical person. So when I first found pickup I thought "Wow, a step by step guide for attracting girls? perfect for me", I ended up mentally masturbating about every single situation and whats the best way to respond to it word-for-word which of course failed

Bro, that was exactly me. I was a super-logical IT-like guy (I still am for the most part). But pickup will correct that in you. That's the whole point!

With practice, you will learn to let loose, have more fun, be more jokey, more emotional, more irrational, more like a girl.

As Adam Lyon's said it best: "All pickup does is make you more into a girl."

And you won't lose your rationality either. You will be able to flip it on and off like faucet. Rational here, irrational there, as the situation demands.

[Elisabeth]

7 hours ago, Clint Eastwood said:

@Elisabeth Do you have any suggestions for books?

I haven't read any, and I can't imagine any book having remotely the same benefit as directly indulging in the world of conscious touch under the inspiring leadership of an experienced teacher and in interaction with others. Trying stuff out in a very supportive setting and mindfully watching my reactions is what changed my perception surprisingly quickly. But this author has been recommended to me and I plan to read her soon to get a bit of a theory background too: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Margot_Anand

[Leo Gura]

On 11/3/2017 at 5:20 AM, AlwaysBeNice said:

'Many Buddhist monks', I suppose this time you also can't provide a source?

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/06/what-lies-beneath-the-robes-are-buddhist-monasteries-suitable-places-for-children-adele-wilde-blavatsky/

https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/on-faith/bhtuans-buddhist-monks-accused-of-sexually-molesting-boys/2013/06/20/e6f16268-d9e9-11e2-b418-9dfa095e125d_story.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/adele-tomlin/dalai-lama_b_3851112.html

http://tantrismuskritik.blogspot.com/2011/07/sexual-assault-is-old-tradition-among.html

http://guardianlv.com/2013/06/bhutan-buddhist-monks-break-celibacy-vows-engage-in-thigh-sex-confession-video/

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-south-asia-15507304

http://www.cnn.com/2017/07/20/asia/thailand-jet-set-monk-extradited/index.html

https://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Sexual_abuse_in_Buddhism

http://sea-globe.com/holy-sin-child-abuse-in-cambodias-buddhist-pagodas/

http://news.abs-cbn.com/overseas/07/19/17/former-monk-facing-child-sex-raps-extradited-from-us

https://nltimes.nl/2015/05/25/buddhist-monks-sexual-abuse-revealed

https://buddhism-controversy-blog.com/2017/06/21/abuse-in-the-buddhist-community-this-victim-tells-her-story-for-the-first-time/

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/i-was-a-tantric-sex-slave-1069859.html

[Timotheus]

@Leo Gura Wtf. Is going to a monastery really an option?