What Can I Actually Do To Not Feel Like Shit Because Of Not Getting Laid?

[MM1988]

This sounds even to me stupid as I write it but I havent been laid in 7 years or had anything with any girl really and every attempt I made ended in rejection and it just feels hopeless that anything is about to change for me in that area. As a result I developed depression that gets better or worse over time and my confidence is always low, even though I have friends make good money at my job, but its just that area.

 

The thing is I tried a lot of stuff already, I meditate daily, tried 5-htp, I read some self help books, or I start no-fap and I maybe feel better for about a week and feel like everything is going to be different now - until my depression sets back in again. I know relationships wont change anything about my happiness long-term and its stupid to depend on something like that for self confidence. I know all of this on a logical level. But it doesnt do anything for me, the loneliness and bad thoughts always creep back up when Im not constantly on the guard. I used the sedona method to feel better and it works, but it gets tiring to having to do it multiple times per day, and then always comes the time where I break and give in and go back to pitying myself again, and mentally masturbating about what the problem could be with me. I dont know it feels good to me on some level, which is messed up. 

 

Im wondering if its maybe time to go into therapy or get on some kind of medication for me, since nothing seems to stick.

[Alexo45]

5 minutes ago, MM1988 said:

but its just that area.

No, it's not. It's never this or that, that i need to be complete and happy. Ego always makes you believe shit like this but it won't work, never. Maybe in short-term but never long-term. Even if you would have a girlfriend and sex right now, your ego will just come up with something else to blame. This is a never ending game if you keep falling into it's trap.

Why do you need sex?
Why do you need a girlfriend? 

No rationalizing, dig deep.

Why do i feel the need for a girlfriend and sex so bad, that i allow them to have an influence on me emotionally?

 

[MM1988]

2 minutes ago, Alexo45 said:

No, it's not. It's never this or that, that i need to be complete and happy. Ego always makes you believe shit like this but it won't work, never. Maybe in short-term but never long-term. Even if you would have a girlfriend and sex right now, your ego will just come up with something else to blame. This is a never ending game if you keep falling into it's trap.

Why do you need sex?
Why do you need a girlfriend? 

No rationalizing, dig deep.

Why do i feel the need for a girlfriend and sex so bad, that i allow them to have an influence on me emotionally?

 

The thing is - I know all of this. but it doesnt prevent me from feeling like shit. Its just there, like a wheight on my shoulders. I cant rationalize it away with blaming it on ego either. 

[Alexo45]

1 minute ago, MM1988 said:

The thing is - I know all of this. but it doesnt prevent me from feeling like shit. Its just there, like a wheight on my shoulders. I cant rationalize it away with blaming it on ego either. 

Just observe it. Don't identify with thoughts or emotions, needs, anything. See it for what it is: ego. It's fake. 

[onacloudynight]

1 hour ago, MM1988 said:

This sounds even to me stupid as I write it but I havent been laid in 7 years or had anything with any girl really and every attempt I made ended in rejection and it just feels hopeless that anything is about to change for me in that area. As a result I developed depression that gets better or worse over time and my confidence is always low, even though I have friends make good money at my job, but its just that area.

 

The thing is I tried a lot of stuff already, I meditate daily, tried 5-htp, I read some self help books, or I start no-fap and I maybe feel better for about a week and feel like everything is going to be different now - until my depression sets back in again. I know relationships wont change anything about my happiness long-term and its stupid to depend on something like that for self confidence. I know all of this on a logical level. But it doesnt do anything for me, the loneliness and bad thoughts always creep back up when Im not constantly on the guard. I used the sedona method to feel better and it works, but it gets tiring to having to do it multiple times per day, and then always comes the time where I break and give in and go back to pitying myself again, and mentally masturbating about what the problem could be with me. I dont know it feels good to me on some level, which is messed up. 

 

Im wondering if its maybe time to go into therapy or get on some kind of medication for me, since nothing seems to stick.

This was me earlier this year. Once I finally got laid I realized it was never going to be enough. It is not like you have sex once and feel complete. You will desire it again and again and again. It is never ending. Like a dog chasing its tail. Keep meditating and get comfortable with being alone. Trust me, with time it gets easier. Eventually you will reach a point where you don't need anything or anyone to be happy.

[Source_Mystic]

 Well I am not expert on relationships for sure and spent most of my life more alone than 90% of people I have ever met I have had long spans in my life where I had no one. Not a single soul.

So I can really relate to people that go though this. But it really is not about the sex it is the lack of closeness with  you fellow humans that causes the melancholy. Intimacy opens us up and there is a sexual healing when you share yourself with another person that not only cares but loves you for exactly who and what you are. Society has created drones of preoccupied self interested people that rarely will make room for someone new.

Your depression causes a second problem namely depressed people are not attractive and do not attract people. So at the times you are in the most need you are also kind of set up to fail. Neediness is another problem it does not attract woman ether yet it is the natural progression for attention starved individuals. I am saying this from experience not judgment  cause I have been in the boat you are in except mine had more holes.

First thing is work on your self confidence self confidence is the 1# thing that attracts women.

Take more risks put your self out there more and stop taking rejection personalty maybe the person that rejected you was a train wreck

I tell you that I tried lots of things to Find that person then I just said Fuck it and surrendered and stopped looking and low and behold the universe brought me and my current wife together in circumstances so surreal so bizarre I could not ignore the attraction even in my jaded state. 

I can not give you help finding woman as that is not my strength for that I suggest you check out leo's videos. What I can do for you is teach you how to deal with loneliness until you do find someone. 

Fight depression by not doing what it wants. It wants you to stay home and feel sorry for yourself. It wants you to beat your self up and take rejection as a personal slight. I say Fuck that FIGHT MAN FIGHT.

Rule #1 activity defeats depression especially physical activity . Do not try to think your way out of a depression. Do not try to meditate away a depression. Fight your depression with physical activity. Get acquainted with a punching bag , start cycling . If you can find Groups to do things with you may even find someone with similar Interest  at the very least you could make a new friend.

Rule #2 meditation is for when you are feeling great after you beat the shit out of that punching bag and are no longer depressed Pick a type of meditation I would recommend moving meditation because it give you mind something to focus on.  Qigong tai chi or the eight step brigade or yoga would be great examples unlike sitting meditation like zan zen where those thoughts of loneliness will creep in.

Rule #3 learn something new read a book learn a new skill.

Rule #4 There are times when you depression is bad find a outlet write and try to process in some way  talk to someone or create something artistic that represents What you are feeling weather it be a poem or a piece of art. 

Positive affirmations sound silly but look yourself in the mirror in the morning and say "I accept myself for exactly who and what I am at this moment."

The goal here is not to just ignore your depression but to keep up the fight and process it and break bad habits that keep you locked in to this cycle as well as get your ass out of the house and doing some activity's where you can meet some people with the same interest as you.

On a last note I would suggest you you look into Taoist internal alchemy. You mine as well use all  that pent up sexual energy for something positive.

Taoist Yoga and Sexual Energy: Transforming Your Body, Mind, and Spirit Book by Eric Yudelove

The Taoist believe that internalizing your sexual energy and circulating it though you body helps cultivate a strong healthy immune system positive mental state as well as enlightenment. This is a lot more productive than masturbating. I have read many things on Taoist Internal alchemy 95% is completely useless to a westerner this would be the one and only book on the subject I would suggest to everyone. 

For actually the how to of meeting woman go to Leos videos I am still not Casanova just because the universe took pity on my soul.

Hope this helps Good luck

 

Edited November 3, 2017 by Source_Mystic

[Leo Gura]

@MM1988 You're missing the obvious: Go get laid.

Learn to attract girls.

Not every problem in life is meant to be meditated away. Meditation is an advanced tool, for mature people who've already taken care of the basics of life. It is not a crutch to avoid the basics of life like food, money, shelter, health, relationships, work, family, etc.

You wouldn't tell a starving child to meditate his hunger away. You would tell him to go make a sandwich. If you don't know how to make a sandwich << that's the first-order problem right there. Learning to make a sandwich is a lot easier than learning to meditate.

[MM1988]

@Source_Mystic: thanks for your reply, you are right its not lack of sex but the lack of intimacy. Your tips are very good, I sometimes do keep up the fight with depression, but it just comes back again and again until Im drained and think "fuck im not in the mood to fight it anymore, just give up". It really feels like I cant win.

 

@Leo: Great advice, havent thought of that. Usually I really appreciate your advice but thats just dumb. Its also not like I'm not trying, i've done pickup for a while and it destroyed my confidence. I know you fixed that problem later in life yourself but you never seemed to be depressed about it. I have different brain chemicals than you, its just that mine decided to respond that way.

[Nahm]

@MM1988 In some cultures, sure af not America, depression is treated simply and effectively with a change in diet & exercise.  I love America, but our current food situation is an epic fail. 

From psychology today.... https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-genetic-destiny/201410/diet-and-depression

In epigenetics, DNA doesn’t simply compose the helical structure of the human genome. Rather epigenes, as its name suggest, lies above the genome — adding another layer to the spiraled genetic structure. Environmental factors such as stress, cigarette smoking, and food alter epigenes to change the structure of genes. These epigenetic modifications activate and deactivate genes in ways that help or harm your health.

Food is one essential way in which you can control your epigenetic profile. Because what you eat affects your mood, you should aim for foods that enhance your gut health. In fact, microorganisms produce numerous neurochemicals. These neurochemicals made by gut bacteria play a role in mood and other neurologic functions. So balancing gut bacteria through the consumption of probiotics such as Lactobaccilli and Bifidobacteria help to elevate mood.1,2

Another toxicant linked to depression is aspartame, a chemical used in artificial sweeteners. Aspartame is broken down into smaller molecules that decrease serotonin, which has been dubbed the “happiness” hormone and is an important neurochemical messenger that regulates appetite and mood.

Natural Depressants and Antidepressants — Nutrients to Avoid and Consume

Nutritional epigenetics is a two-way street: Some foods promote health and others bolster disease. To avoid the latter, you should steer away from foods that make you feel depressed:

Alcohol: Although the occasional drink is fine, people should limit their alcoholicintake. Heavy alcohol consumption is associated with anxiety and panic attacks; excessive drinking also depletes serotonin, which makes people prone to anxiety and depression.

Caffeine: Caffeinated beverages lower serotonin and increase the risk for anxiety, depression, and poor sleep. Reduce your intake for coffee, tea, and hot cocoa. Also, avoid the urge to sweeten your caffeinated beverages.

High-Calorie, Low Nutrient Foods: When you eat processed, refined sugars, you enjoy a momentary high-energy jolt. Eating sweets raises blood sugar level, increases fat storage, and promotes a crash-and-burn feeling. Maintaining a steady blood sugar level is important to achieve even-keeled energy levels.

 

To eat your way to being healthier, consume epigenetic foods that promote wellness, improve sleep, and elevate your mood. For example, serotonin is a feel-good hormone that uplifts your mood and helps you to sleep better. Eat foods such as chickpeas, which are rich in tryptophan, a precursor of serotonin. Balance your mood and prevent depression by also eating the following foods:

B12 and folate prevent mood disorders and dementias.

Sources: beetroot, lentils, almonds, spinach, liver (folate); liver, chicken, fish (B12)

Vitamin D deficiency is associated with different mood disorders.

Sources: sun exposure; breakfast cereals, breads, juices, milk; high-quality supplements

Selenium decreases depression.

Sources: cod, Brazil nuts, walnuts, poultry

Omega-3 fatty acids are crucial for cognitive and behavioral function. Low levels of omega-3 fats lead to many health problems including mood swings and depression.

Sources: cod, haddock, salmon, halibut, nut oils, and algae; high-quality supplements

Dark chocolate enhances mood by increasing endorphins in the brain that promote a sense of well-being.

There are many healthful foods that act as antidepressants. While these good-mood foods are essential for your diet, there’s still more that you can do. Get in the habit of participating regularly in physical activity. Exercise increases your metabolism, enhances mood, and alleviates tension.

 

 

I have this every morning with chocolate almond milk, ice, a banana and some peanut butter, in a blender. 

 

[Elisabeth]

2 hours ago, MM1988 said:

@Leo: Great advice, havent thought of that. Usually I really appreciate your advice but thats just dumb. Its also not like I'm not trying, i've done pickup for a while and it destroyed my confidence. I know you fixed that problem later in life yourself but you never seemed to be depressed about it. I have different brain chemicals than you, its just that mine decided to respond that way.

6

So, ehm, what exactly is your trouble with finding a relationship again? 

When I saw the title I was going to suggest tantra simply because a tantric course helped me very much in understanding and deconstructing all of my blocks around erotic attractions. It helped my self-acceptance hugely and shifted my view of the opposite sex. Yet I was not in the same situation and maybe you need to work at a different level, so I'm just throwing it out here for anyone who might be interested. 

[Key Elements]

6 hours ago, MM1988 said:

This sounds even to me stupid as I write it but I havent been laid in 7 years or had anything with any girl...

I have not expressed any of my thoughts on this topic on this forum. Perhaps not everyone will agree. That's ok. We kept on talking about being radically open-minded -- looking at all sides at all different angles.

With that said, here is my take on it. You are not "stupid" -- whatever that means. Not being laid is ok. Who is telling you that there is a need to be laid? Peer pressure from friends? The media? Well, they don't know better because life is not just about having sex. There are no rules on not having sex is "bad." This is best when we can think back to our childhood. We were very much aware and not having these strange rules.

[SFRL]

22 minutes ago, Key Elements said:

I have not expressed any of my thoughts on this topic on this forum. Perhaps not everyone will agree. That's ok. We kept on talking about being radically open-minded -- looking at all sides at all different angles.

With that said, here is my take on it. You are not "stupid" -- whatever that means. Not being laid is ok. Who is telling you that there is a need to be laid? Peer pressure from friends? The media? Well, they don't know better because life is not just about having sex. There are no rules on not having sex is "bad." This is best when we can think back to our childhood. We were very much aware and not having these strange rules.

When I was a kid I didn't have to work for money either, or worry about a roof over my head. When you get older you need to take care of your basic needs yourself. 

You can't sit on your mom's lap listening to her reading you the Red Riding Hood to feel loved either. You got to do that another way. 

Edited November 3, 2017 by SFRL

[Key Elements]

28 minutes ago, SFRL said:

When I was a kid I didn't have to work for money either, or worry about a roof over my head. When you get older you need to take care of your basic needs yourself. 

You can't sit on your mom's lap listening to her reading you the Red Riding Hood to feel lived either. You got to do that another way. 

So, who's stopping you from being a man now and becoming independent from mom and later supporting her?

[SFRL]

Just now, Key Elements said:

So, who's stopping you from being a man now and becoming independent from mom and later supporting her?

Right I am asking you. 

[Leo Gura]

4 hours ago, MM1988 said:

Its also not like I'm not trying, i've done pickup for a while and it destroyed my confidence.

Why didn't you succeed at pickup? How many girls did you approach?

Also, pickup isn't the only way to attract girls you know. 99% of men do not know pickup, and yet they still manage to get laid.

What is the crux of your problem with attracting girls? Are you highly introverted and anti-social? Do you have social anxiety? Do you have confidence problems? Speaking problems? Appearance problems?

The single most important factor for attracting girls is simply being near them. If you sit at home all the time reading books and playing video games, then yeah, it's very hard to get laid. You need to find ways to bump into girls your age. Try to brainstorm ways to get more involved in social activities like yoga class, dance class, workshops, seminars, music festivals, parties, networking events, Toastmasters, events on college campuses, etc.

What city do you live in? It helps a lot to move to a hip city like Austin, LA, NY, Miami, Vegas, London, etc. It's much easier to find girls in those kinds of cities than in someplace like Kentucky.

[aurum]

@MM1988

You need pussy.

Nothing is working for you because you haven't solved the problem. You can meditate until you're the god damn Buddha, but your biology still wants sex. You have to accept that, not repress your desires and avoid your problem with some self-help tricks.

So how do you do it? Pickup is one way I highly recommend. Another could be getting really good at Tinder and Bumble. Another could be building a great social circle so girls actually come to you.

But I think you know that. So what really needs to shift here is your belief that you don't think it's possible.

You might want to check out this video:

Edited November 3, 2017 by aurum

[Key Elements]

I think what you're missing is not sex. Have the courage to work, find a life purpose, and have the balls to research, find out, and travel to different places -- even Kentucky and India. You can't discover yourself just by having sex.

[Wind]

12 hours ago, MM1988 said:

@Leo: Great advice, havent thought of that. Usually I really appreciate your advice but thats just dumb. Its also not like I'm not trying, i've done pickup for a while and it destroyed my confidence. I know you fixed that problem later in life yourself but you never seemed to be depressed about it. I have different brain chemicals than you, its just that mine decided to respond that way.

You say it destroyed your confidence? I can guarantee that it didn't. What happened is that after you took some action, started learning about dating, etc, you simply became aware of your incompetence around women, and this made you feel worse than before. Why? Because that's a natural stages we go through when we want to improve at anything. Before you ever took action you were in "unconscious incompetence" stage which is where we all start before learning any skill - overrating your own ability. But after you start learning you go to "conscious incompetence" - you start to be aware that you are much worse and that it's much harder that you expected.

Going out didn't killed your confidence. It just made you conscious of how much is there yet to improve. Which in turn made you feel less confident than before. But that's good! Keep learning. Keep practicing. Work on your sticking points. Until you move to "conscious competence" and then to "unconscious competence". It's like when you are learning to drive a car - at first before ever driving a car, you feel pretty confident, but then when you actually sit on the wheel your confidence goes down. Then you practice, practice, and you become good, but it's not natural yet, you still need to be conscious of all the little things you have to do, but over years you become so used to it, that you don't even think about driving, you do it automatically.

You wanna allow yourself to get a little bit worse in order to expand your comfort zone and move to more competent levels.

Hope it helps.

Edited November 3, 2017 by Wind

[Edvard]

@Leo Gura Would you need sex before meditation path, always? I know you're answers vary dependingly, it just sounded a bit generalizing. Anyway, Newton never had sex. And I think he must have been fairly present?

@MM1988 The thing is, of course one could take care of the «basic» things like sex first. If you really think that's the #1 thing in life now, Leo may have a point; do it. If it's important enough it wouldn't be a big deal, except for all the time you will spend (waste?) training dating skills, dating, looking good and living according to what society finds attractive. And that may be the way one learns that it's not gonna make you happy, but I would at least CONSIDER «jumping» over that step. But of course, depending on the person that may be impossible. So maybe you're right, Leo.

[Leo Gura]

2 hours ago, Edvard said:

@Leo Gura Would you need sex before meditation path, always?

No, of course not. Each person has various karma to burn through. Some don't need sex at all. Some are sex fiends who have sex till their dead from it and never even get to starting meditation. Most people are somewhere in the middle.

It's rare that a person can go straight to celibacy. That's either extremely rare, or it's done as a kind of neurotic suppression which tends to backfire, as in the case of many Catholic priests and Buddhist monks who end up molesting children.

True spiritual celibacy is possible, but it requires not suppression but very high degrees of personal development and spiritual purification work, which is best done after you get your basic sexual needs met (and also being older) You don't do that as a stopgap measure.

Many celibate yogis are only celibate in their later years (40s, 50s, 60s) after their hormones have subsided and they have already had much of sex. For example, Gandhi was celibate, but not before he banged his wife's brains out for years In his autobiography he talks about how much he craved his wife in the early days. Gandhi was as horny as your average teenager.