Running Away From The Present Moment

[Shin]

40 minutes ago, phoenix666 said:

@Shin you got me there. true. hahah thanks for reminding me. 

that's actually exactly what I'm trying to work on: starting to expand 'meditation, awareness and yoga' into my daily life. I am trying to practice mindfulness throughout the day.. it's so challenging thou..

Yes it is, just don't bully yourself about it, it is useless.

[Nahm]

2 hours ago, phoenix666 said:

@Nahm I tried this exercise once again, expanded the list and re-evaluated a few things. I feel strange now, not sure how. a bit lost. like I always had goals and securities. like I always did things for a reason. now I feel kind of uneasy, insecure, also a bit empty. I don't know whether it has to do with the exercise, or whether I feel that way independently from that..

@MiracleMan beautiful! so I guess the trick is to see through that illusion to be out of it.

If you want, take a look at the paper and tell me which things in which categories give you the uneasy feeling. It’s hard to say anything without some info. 

[phoenix666]

@Nahm it was more a temporary feeling of insecurity that overcame me yesterday after I worked on the list. I felt unsure whether I was 'on the right path' (I know there is no such thing, but still) I felt disconnected from my past and from my friends. like something got lost in me: like I lost my motivation..or reasons to do things. 

I think it has to do with my last trip, where I suddenly realized 'shit, my whole life was a doing things for a reason.' I realized that I don't do things simply because I enjoy doing them, but because I want something out of them. very result oriented. 

I would like to go back to the way I did things just for the sake of doing them when I was a child 

around this subject I have a few things on my list that I had to put into 'belief':

• everything happens for a reason
• life should make sense
• everything is explainable 
• things happen as a consequence of prior happenings
• there can't be something out of nothing
• value/meaning/worth
• my past
• I am here for a reason
• goals/there is always something to accomplish/reach
• models of reality
• enlightenment itself

the uneasy feeling went away after I meditated. after spending a beautiful day in the mountains and wandering through the woods today, I feel much better.

I think it's my web of beliefs slowly unraveling. like I said, I've been very result oriented and ambitious since I was a little girl. so I guess this journey will bring me some painful moments, stripping away all my motivations, values and my idealism.. 

thanks for your help, as always <3

[Nahm]

@phoenix666 i feel like I understand and imo it sure has expansion written all over it. That’s awesome. When you say you find you’re doing things for the end result, and finding that demotivating, I have to say that you don’t strike me as someone who is doing things for the materialistic end result. You seem past that consciousness wise. I think the deep life contemplation is great, and I think you actually like the desire to do things simply for the experience of it, and the future experiences that are enabled by what you’ve been doing. 

Maslow comes to mind. That pyramid is always in play. No one gets to the top and is ‘set for life’. When I lose my motivation, I do a semiconscious pyramid check, and I have found, for me, 100% of the time, I did not sleep well, eat well, meditate well, exercise well - or I have simply shifted my focus from what I want, to what I don’t want. The practices are the foundation to the perspective. That’s my pyramid, and I have found it to be perfectly reliable. Food is my master, it is never confused, which helps me see my confusion. 

When we Wake Up, there’s a period of ‘wait...what?’ And it takes a while. Consciousness raises slowly and the brain and body change much slower in response. 

Around the corner from ‘there is nothing to accomplish’, is a place of no pressure while working in a boiler room, no worry or anxiety while walking a tight rope, no jitters while singing for a crowd - no suffering while in this world.  I think you’re getting knee deep into actual real freedom. It’s a process.  

That’s solid work, and I still suggest going deeper with the distinctions. Look around you right now.  Look in the mirror. Where did you come from really? Are you alive really? That’s the kind of stuff I’m talking about. This may sound counterintuitive, but the best distinctions to make, are of one’s self. 

[phoenix666]

@Nahm I started enjoying little things the last couple of months: eating in general, specially sweet fruits, listening to classical music, sunshine, rivers, trees, sometimes fantasies.. but I have to admit that practice yoga, meditation and mindfulness for their end result. at least when I started getting serious about them. I'm still a seeker. I'm still looking for something out there to reach..to accomplish. I chase peace of mind, happiness and enlightenment..

I noticed you write a lot about food. what exactly do you eat, if you don't mind me asking?

food is huge for me. we are what we eat! I went vegan two years ago and I feel so good about this decision. live changing! I center my diet around fruits, veggies, (mostly whole) grains, nuts, seeds and legumes. 

'wait.. what?' that. exactly. I had some of those 'what-the-fuck' moments during the trip. what is this? what am I doing? what am I actually doing in my life? 

can't wait for that real freedom <3 I already feel very different from the way I was even before this summer. I was always under so much pressure. I kind of sailed through the last exams so relaxed, like I knew that it would go well somehow. very untypical. yet, I still have this drive in me.. I still want to accomplish something. I still work on things whilst having this silly idea of 'there is something I will get out of it'   so I hope I will experience real freedom and intrinsic motivation one day. I imagine myself doing everything for the pure sake of doing it. and being 100% present in whatever I do

I asked myself questions like 'who am I?' 'what am I here for?' 'what is living, being alive?' during the trip. I had some deep experiences in front of the mirror. I will continue going in that direction, thank you.

[eskwire]

On 11/3/2017 at 7:20 AM, Nahm said:

@phoenix666 make two columns on a piece, or 1000 pieces of paper; experienced, and belief. Be Uber honest with yourself, and start putting everything in those columns. This is an easy way to surface many ah ha’s! I found it shocking - the things I thought were true, but realized were not at all. The conditioning of this world is very deep. Very very deep. 

Can you give some examples of what you would write in each column?

[Nahm]

@phoenix666

Glad to hear you’re doing well! Sounds like we eat pretty much the same foods. I eat a lot of raw meal protein shakes too. My ‘wait...what?’’ Reference was meant more towards the distinctions of illusion and reality, not contemplation of life direction. The concern perspective is what needs to be let go of.  It’s rooted in the illusion of gains and losses. In transcencence of the illusion is all the relief and joy that can fit “into a person”, so to speak. The wants and doing of things will carry on, but the paradigm of desire and concern will not. When I suggested the columns exercise, that was more the direction I had in mind. It serves to see that all pressure, all stress, is created by ourselves, as is the entire illusion. The practices are of joy, not success. Ironically, this builds a foundation for incredible, and more enjoyable, ‘success’. That is ‘the now’, imo. The moment and experience of it as it actually is, rather than experienced through a thought tree of life perspective. 

[Nahm]

@eskwire I was born, I’m alive, I will die, there is a God, I am a seperate entity, God is a seperate entity, the laws of physics are consistent, I am alone, I am not alone, the laws of quantum phycsics are consistent, anything exists beyond my awareness, something is real, something is not real, something exists, something does not exist, I am God, I am not God, I am judged, I am the judge, there is no judge, there is an objective reality, there is no objective reality, I am conditioned, I am not conditioned, my expression and experience of love is filtered, it is unfiltered, my happiness if contingent, not contingent, I love conditionally through self, I love unconditionally. That would be a good start. 

[eskwire]

4 hours ago, Nahm said:

@eskwire I was born, I’m alive, I will die, there is a God, I am a seperate entity, God is a seperate entity, the laws of physics are consistent, I am alone, I am not alone, the laws of quantum phycsics are consistent, anything exists beyond my awareness, something is real, something is not real, something exists, something does not exist, I am God, I am not God, I am judged, I am the judge, there is no judge, there is an objective reality, there is no objective reality, I am conditioned, I am not conditioned, my expression and experience of love is filtered, it is unfiltered, my happiness if contingent, not contingent, I love conditionally through self, I love unconditionally. That would be a good start. 

Sorry, I'm confused about the exercise. Which column do these go under, experienced or belief? What are some examples of what you would write under "experienced"? Thanks!

[Nahm]

@eskwire thats up to you.  

[eskwire]

@Nahm Reeeeeally not understanding the mechanics of this exercise. That's ok I just won't do it. ?

[Nahm]

@eskwire it’s a discovery process. Like start with, I was born. It seems like an experience, but it’s really a belief. It helps crack things open. 

[phoenix666]

@Nahm yeah, I realized some time ago that food plays such a huge role. and I keep realizing its importance more and more. 

I see, thanks for your explanations. I think I understand it on a logical level. now I've got to experience it. I want to 'get it' on an empirical way, feel it. I want to unravel my web of beliefs, all my paradigms. your exercise will surely help me <3 

I will continue with the list you suggested to eskwire, I miss some of those suggestions. thank you, I am so glad my journey brought me here <3

[Forestluv]

There is an empty void in the present that is very scary to the ego

[Nahm]

@Serotoninluv it’s love.