Why Is Hurt Have A Larger Effect Than Praise/validation?

[BobbyLowell]

When people praise/ like me, it does not effect me as much as when people dont like me. help. im so sensitive to when peopel dont like me that i lose my confidence and be inauthentic, making everything worse. 

[Kimasxi]

My guess is that you rationalize it when people praise you into "oh, that's not really important / they exaggerate" narrative, whereas when you feel disliked it triggers certain beliefs about your self-concept.

From the evolution point of view, being rejected by your tribe means death, so it should hurt. It's survival mechanism.

You may believe that being disliked means "I am going to be lonely and unhappy forever because of some unchangable features I have".

You should circumvent it by planting a believe that in between "they like me" and "they don't like me" there is some other grey area like "they are just to busy right now", "they have been in a bad mood", "I triggered their traumatic experience so they got angry/anxious/defensive for what I said/did". These are all statements that do not say you are bad or good. You should use them when interpreting what people think about you instead of the judgmental ones like "there's something inherently wrong with me". 

[Source_Mystic]

The answer is simple we are hardwired to remember pain and negative experiences and things that do not work  is a survival mechanism. As a child it is more important that you remember a burn so that you do not burn your self again.  How a good experience went  is less important than a bad one because bad ones carry survival lesson that keep you alive.

Edited November 2, 2017 by Source_Mystic

[BobbyLowell]

@Kimasxi@Source_Mystichow can we change these patterns though? They are negative

[Source_Mystic]

To be honest stress proceeds growth that is the way nature is set up otherwise there would be no reason to grow or improve.  You are on the right track by recognizing this behavior in the first place.

If you want to change this you have to change your mental habit of people pleasing and  find things that build yourself confidence.

When someone degrades you or puts you down or just does not like you. You have to interrupt the caring aspect and stop giving a fuck. What people think. Seriously you are not responsible for what people think of you or if they like you at all. I can tell you from personal experience everyone will never like you and it has nothing to do with you or how good you are.

Most of the time they see something in you that they dislike in themselves and they do not want to be reminded of it. So it manifest psychologically as dislike for you. They might not even be consciously aware of it. Or there might be some physical trait that reminds them of someone they don't like anymore. Most people are not very high consciousness and that means they do a lot of hypocritical shit they do not even realize. People are a mess man do not let there mental hang ups become yours.

Stop taking peoples opinion of you personalty because seriously 9 times out of 10 it has more to do with them and their  internal shit that they themselves have not dealt with Than with any thing you have done.

I think leo has a video on how to stop giving a fuck look for that. 

As for interrupting your behavior look into cognitive behavioral therapy that is what that is all about. 

The only people you should generally care about  what they think are the people that make up your close friends and family and those people should not be degrading you.  The rest of the world treat with common decency but until they show a greater interest in your well being I would not have a shit to give whether they like me or not.

Edited November 3, 2017 by Source_Mystic