I Once Confused A Depersonalization With Enlightenment

[Coraline]

Generally speaking, I would say, I am a more anxious human being. A few days after going to my second 10 days meditation retreat, I got in a very stressful situation and experienced a ridiculously conscious panic attack. Somehow this panic attack ended with finding myself in a very strange situation. Everything was different. At this moment, I did not know, what I was experiencing. First I thought: "Maybe I just became enlightened! " But after some time passed in that state, I realized that I will not be able to life my life like this. I would not be able to interact with other beings. I would not even be able to keep myself alive, because I would never know whether I am hungry, cold, tired... I realized: this can not be enlightenment. Fortunately, a friend helped me to go back to the ordinary state. He kept stressing that I have to want to go back to get my sensations and emotions back. I think he was right. The state itself lastet for about 4 to 5 hours.
A day after, I found on the internet, what happened to me. And I am very sure about this:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization

I do not really want to go back to that state. But I think, becoming more conscious, makes anxiety even stronger... And I do not think, I am able to control panic attacks or depersonalizations. Or do I?
@Leo Gurakeeps saying that becoming anxious or even panicky is a part of self-inquiry. But I think at least depersonalizations would hold me back from the process.
Any thoughts on this?

[Joel3102]

Depersonalisation is a completely different thing to ego death. The sound similar on the surface but it's actually a form of dissociation, not one-ness. I've had it for years at a time, being like you, it tends to afflict people who are more introverted, or anxious. You're lucky it only lasted 4-5 hours... Becoming more conscious helped me with depersonalisation, as it decreases anxiety. I think you should be okay if you've been able to handle two 10 day retreats without getting depersonalised for a long period of time. If you ever do experience it again through your inquiry, reminds yourself that it only persists when you worry about it and it will dissipate in time, if you don't enter into an obsessive thought cycle. One of the most common DPD triggers is drugs, especially weed in my case so avoid that because it will make it 10000X worse trust me.

[Coraline]

@Joel3102 Wow, thanks for sharing! There is not too much to find about that topic. Yes, I could handle two 10 days retreats, even though it was quite hard, but totally worth it.
Weed never did anything good to me, so I avoid it, but I never had bad experiences with other psychedelics (while being in a save setting with familiar and nice people, of course).

I am not sure, if I would be able to keep a depersonalization from happening through controlling my thoughts... There was the trigger and immediately the panic attack started and right after the DPD. I am not even sure, if I had any thoughts at all in between.

[Forestluv]

@Joel3102 I hadn't considered depersonalization and ego-death as distinct spaces. Thanks. It raises something new for me to be aware of. 

In short, depersonalization involves detachment, while ego-death involves merging. So something like greater connection and empathy would be toward ego-death on the spectrum.

[Joel3102]

@Serotoninluv Yeah I've experienced both and can say they're nearly opposites. People and places feel extremely alien and unfamiliar when DP, whereas they feel a part of you with enlightenment. 

@Coraline Sounds to me like if you were to develop the disorder you probably would have by now, but still be careful. Educate yourself, Harris Harrington has a good YouTube channel that explain some of the childhood issues that can lead to dissociative problems. 

[Matt23]

Shinzen Young's take on it.  "Depersonalization/Derealization disorder is enlightenment's ugly cousin." 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9zIKQCwDXsA

He also says that Michael Taft has worked with DP/DR in relation to spirituality and meditation.  He's quite a renowned teacher.  Consider checking him out.

 

[Yimpa]

I think seeking therapy, if you don’t already, would be beneficial. Perhaps one who specializes with trauma patients. 

There may be stuff you need help processing; it’s too scary to process it on your own at this stage.

It’s nothing to be ashamed of, as I still have difficulty processing stuff on my own.