The Book Of Daniel

[DanielIssac]

I figured I'd start doing this as a daily thing. Kind of just for me, comments welcome.

So I'm currently studying how to cold approach women and trying to find out how to really attract that one woman I can settle down with and make a family. There are quite a few issues though. Out of the 10 traits that attract a woman, I currently only have one. That being loyalty.

I am trying to develop my confidence and have just taken on the 3 month challenge of improving my humor. My sense of adventure is there, but it's kind of vacant. Money is also a huge issue right now as I'm unemployed. Social status is in complete disarray, I literally have no friends. So this is a huge undertaking and on top of all of this I know that my clock is running down. I'm 34, I have all these shortcomings and it can weigh on me very easily at times.

I still feel some effects left over from my recent breakup about 7 months ago, that has decreased a lot. Most of the residual effects are sheerly from my own loneliness. Something I'm working on but pieces of it still plague me. It's not so much that I need a relationship. I just want one before its too late to actually build a family.

Sometimes I have to just let this all weigh in on me, let it wash away everything I've built and start again. I do this daily. It's beginning to feel tiresome and boring. I've built myself up so many times by now that I can rebound within 30 minutes to 2 hours depending on how severe it gets. I'm trying to do the do nothing meditation, but I can't seem to convince my brain to just go nuts.

[DanielIssac]

Day 1 - part 2

So I was out today and a song was playing. I don't know the name of it but the lyrics go "it's a quarter after 1, I'm all alone and I need you now". Naturally this brought up some feelings for my ex. As I began processing this and studying it, my mind wanted to get lost in memories. I had to stop myself and point out that even if I were to call, she'd never come. She never has, well strike that. She came 1 time to me because I was her last resort.

So as I confronted this and began dismantling it. I focused in on the lyrics of " I need you now". So I began scanning through my childhood, looking for the cause of this. I couldn't find it on my own, so I let my mind go into monkey mode using the do nothing technique. This was the first time it actually worked. I left one focus in there with that monkey, those lyrics.

I watched as my mind began to tear into it, repeating over and over "I need you now". After a minute or so a flashback came to me. This was when I was about 4-5 years old. I was at a pool with my father and my aunt. I remembered them warning me not to go in the deep end. I did anyways.

I was fine for a while, just swimming. Then I noticed a cramp in my legs. I started to struggle to keep my head above water. I called out to my father for help, he and my aunt paid no mind at first. As I continued to struggle my calls became more anxious. My father responded with " well you shouldn't have go in the deep end".

I was trying so hard to stay afloat and no one was coming. I tilted my head back to keep at least my mouth above the water. I felt the water rush into my nose, screaming "my legs are burning!". I remember going under, my feet hitting the floor and darkness. There's a thought that kept running through my mind that I heard a woman say " you stupid asshole!". But I can't be certain if it was part of the memory or not. At that point my mind went to a scene from 50 First Dates in which one of the characters states "looks like a stupid asshole to me"

I began with the routine questions of responsibility, my mind really wanted to take fault for this. I should've know better, it was my fault. There was nothing I could say to get it to sink in that it wasn't my fault. Then another memory hit from my time in Coronado, California with my MCJROTC class. We were doing rappelling this day and it was my turn.there was only the rope and a hatch that we fell through, no wall. When they pushed me off, I blacked out.

When I came to, I was suspended just a few feet down and was experiencing a high level of anxiety. I remember someone shouting that I could have killed someone. I struggled to loosen my grip on the ropes so I could get down but eventually I did. Later that day when it was time to head to chow, I stayed behind. My head buried in my hands. The colonel came up to me and asked me "what's wrong" and I broke down into tears, I could've killed someone today... He tried to reassure me that no one was in any danger. That's why they have people at the bottom, just in case.

So what's my responsibility in this? For both memories, my only responsibility is accepting them for what they were, and what they are. My mind still wanted to play the blame game and I started to just embrace that, letting love flow to it. It hurt pretty badly. My intuition chimed in at this time ripping off a bit of Good Will Hunting, whispering "it's not your fault" it hurt so much but it was so cheesy it became kind of funny. "It's not your fault"

As I sat there with this going through my head, I conjured up that song from earlier and suddenly it didn't hurt to think about it. It didn't hurt to think of her purposefully. Looking back as I write this, I find it odd and amazing that such a short memory or two could have such a profound affect on how much I felt I needed her.

These are the moments that I take a deep breath and just let myself be in love with bettering myself. Its so amazing.

[DanielIssac]

Day 1 - part 3

I have something I wanted to get off my chest. This has pretty much been a constant topic throughout my life and I think I've begun to understand it, but honestly I'm not sure. So let's stop playing the pronoun game and dig right into this.

Back when I was about 8 years old, almost 9, I had this string of dreams. Very graphic, detailed and precise to an exact T. When I had experienced this string, I blew it off and just went back to living in horror. I had just be transferred to a foster home that was extremely abusive, to put it lightly.

Fast forward another 8 years, I'm now 16. I'm in high school, on a gymnasium floor. I begin to notice that things seem familiar. The level of light, the large set of retractable benches against the wall to my left. This smoking hot girl, wearing these dark checkered shorts with a white shirt, stained just above her chest. There was an orange ball I was hitting around with a hockey stick.

As I took in more and more detail, I began to realize I had seen this exact moment in that string of dreams. I remembered in the dream I felt this intense pain in my head, like a burning, pulsating severe pain. I was thinking to myself "where is it? Where is the pain?" Right at that moment, smack! Just as I remembered it. I felt so dizzy and I couldn't see straight. What had happened was as I was charging my way down the gymnasium with this ball, another guy had rammed right into me, head first. It's been over 18 years and I still remember this like it was yesterday.

As I went throughout my life, I'd get other moments of intense deja vu but not as extreme as the first. As I've gotten older, the moments have gone from being more like clips to more like pictures. Nowadays they only last for a second or two but they are still pinpoint accurate in every way. One of them happened about 6 months ago.

I was sitting in the back parking lot, smoking a cigarette. I looked down at my shoes because one of my laces had just broken recently. As I did, it hit me. Every single leaf, every single ash, my shoes, my clothes, the light, the sound of locusts buzzing in the trees all of it was the same.

Under normal circumstances I get about 4-10 of these moments a year. Sometimes they occur fairly close together, other times they are spread apart. As I began my journey towards becoming emotionally healthy a sort of epiphany hit me. What if this was some way of dragging me into the present moment? I had always had difficulty living in the now, but when these dreams would come true, now is all I cared about.

As I've continued my journey, now working on becoming my authentic self, I'm beginning to recall dreams that haven't occurred yet. They are so hazy and unclear, but I know they are there. It's such a strange feeling. I've never been able to remember any of these dreams until the moment they were occurring.

The biggest question being how? How did 8 year old me know any of this? I'm over a thousand miles away from where I was born. It's followed me through everything, always there. Even when I went through bootcamp! I still can't wrap my head around this. The only conclusion I keep coming to is that I must find a way to communicate with my younger self in the future. Which is a headache and a half to even think about.

But it's such an amazing oddity that it has demanded my attention for most of my life. One thing I quickly learned is I can't change what happens. I've tried, several times. Very rarely would I get a moment in which it would last long enough for me to remember it and even try to change any of it.

I know it probably sounds crazy, but this is the life I've led. These are my experiences. I just wish I understood what their purpose is. Especially now that I'm becoming aware of ones that haven't come true yet.

[DanielIssac]

Day 2 - part 1

Today began fairly well as I woke up. But I kind of let my mind drift as I laid there, finding some vague thought of my ex. I watched as it quickly weighed in. Then I shook it off after a bit. One thing hit me as I began my morning routine. Some people punish their kids with meditation. My father would make me stand on my head when I was little, after I had done something he disliked.

As I'm studying this moment, I found that I was always taught to meditate on my faults. Time out. There was a piece of literature I had read some years ago that talked about something called time in. I understood the principles of it, but I had no clue of the consequences that would incur. Now that I'm looking back, seeing the bigger picture, I have a whole different understanding of it.

The time in principle states that you do not punish your child by forcing them into a corner or into their room. Rather, you draw them in closer if they let you. Encourage them to express all those big emotions. When they are ready, you are there to hold them. It strikes at my core and really leaves me questioning how often we do this for ourselves, let alone our children, how about our partners? Our friends? Family?

Though I know there will always be those that are better kept at arms distance, my issue is allowing that distance to be closed with others. To think that this all stemmed from one single thought of my ex. I find I keep building up my foundation and I keep ripping it up. Every single day, multiple times. I'm constantly ripping parts out and putting parts in as I rebuild myself over and over again.

The pieces I take out are set aside for me to hammer out, mold them. Then I try to fit them back in. Letting my thoughts and pain be my guide. As I feel resistance to thinking or feeling something, I tear it out and observe it, all the way to the core if I can. Then I begin to love it, shape it, take true responsibility for it. While I hate doing this over and over, I know that I have to do this. I'm getting so used to it that I'm beginning to enjoy it, even take confidence in it. I know these pieces well enough to rebuild. At least until I find another part that doesn't fit anyways.

[DanielIssac]

Day 2 - part 2

I'm beginning to rework my schedule so I can start fitting things in. I am going to try waking up at 7am to get a headstart on my meditation before my brother wakes and gets into his games. That's one thing I've found ironic. I used to be a hardcore gamer myself. Before I started working on myself, my days were spent being bored. Waiting for my turn to hop on and play. Now, I don't even touch video games. I played one time and it was sheerly to build a house I had seen in my mind.

Beyond that, video games just don't interest me anymore. I even tried installing games on my tablet and they just sat there. I was never inclined to even open them so I just uninstalled them. I'm pretty certain I can say that my interest in video games was nothing more than a time filler. Now my time is so filled with digging around in my brain, finding parts of me that need fixing and then fixing those parts.

I am still taken aback from all of this. It still feels so strange. To be able to feel some pride in what I'm doing. Though the itch to get out there and build is still growing. My therapist had gave me a fairly intriguing insight yesterday. That if I want to be a good employee, then later a good partner, I need to be good to me first.

This requires that I get this schedule down and follow it. I didn't see the use of a schedule for myself for so long. To say these are things I want to do. It makes me emotional just thinking about it because I still remember exactly where I came from. It seems like a world of difference, but in reality the only thing that changed was me. I had two pivotal breaking points in a couple of weeks that led me here.

The last thing I said as the old me was "I can't do this shit anymore". I was balling my eyes out trying to find an answer, I couldn't keep being toxic, I couldn't keep being manipulative, I couldn't keep hurting myself. It was do or die, quite literally. I was so scared because I really felt that suicide was a viable option.

In that conversation, I broke. I became unwired. I sought out help. After this break, I immediately went and watched Leo's video on how to deal with negative emotions. I sat there and watched, took it all in. It was at this moment that things began to change in me. I did exactly as he said. I faced that pain inside.

That has led me to where I'm at now. I'm still experiencing that swing of wanting to just give in and not wanting to give up. So I give in to study it. Every time. I don't care if I'm at home or outside, if I get hit, I don't fight it. I pick it out and study it intensely. Then I pour love into it. Take responsibility for it.

To put this bluntly, its a beautifully tragic experience. Then I can come back to the now and be proud of myself. Which is still so amazing that it hurts.

[DanielIssac]

Just found out that my article on how to break free from anxiety is going to get published in the future on themighty.com!!

Oh my god!! I don't know how long it'll be but wow!

[DanielIssac]

Day 2 - part 3

So I'm in my normal slump right now. I find it hard to control my thoughts. It's still very difficult to focus on the now. But I know these feelings will pass. Even though right now I'm in the process of tearing myself down again. Let that hopelessness sink in, that fear of failure. It does this all the time. I find myself breaking down and there are parts that don't want to build back up.

I can't fully understand these thoughts that just want to stay here. They seem so vague. I know there is the cycle of desire. Wanting to go back to what was. So I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing here but I just dismiss these thoughts, not looking into them beyond that. They still circle around in my head but I start to rebuild.

So let's go step by step here. I begin by telling myself that its OK to hurt. This pain is natural. Pour love into the pain. My first stone is ready. Then the next one, I know I miss my ex but she is gone. There's nothing I can do to change her mind and even if I could. So let's take this loneliness, this is natural. Its OK to feel lonely. Pour love into the loneliness. The next stone is ready. Next, my worth. This is becoming stronger and stronger every day. It doesn't require much polishing but let's pour some more love in my worth. Its OK to have worth in myself, to want worth in life. This stone is ready.

Next, confidence. This is starting to take shape as I see the work I'm doing. It resembles a hot coal. Very intense in heat but not yet a full fledge fire like it should be. Let's pour love and breath into my confidence. It's OK to feel valuable, to feel confident in my works. Even though it doesn't seem like much, this is still a world away from where I was.

Next, intuition. This is much like confidence in that it is hot. There really isn't anything I can do to shape it or mold it. I can only listen. So let's pour some love into my intuition. This stone is ready. Next, my external situations. These are a bit harder to accept because I'm getting impatient. But nevertheless, I know I need to gain employment, I know I desire a relationship and in order to build to that, I must build myself first. The biggest part I can do is to build that schedule. So let's take those external situations and set them aside. Just for now. The schedule is made and I need to stick to it. If I want that successful job and marriage later, I need to take care of me. This stone is not ready yet, but it's getting close.

Next, my addiction. Smoking. I'm becoming exceedingly irritated that I'm still smoking. I understand the irritation because I'm noticing how jittery it makes me and how much I stink. So against my better judgement, I accept this irritability and this stench and I will pour love on to each. Then there's the constant taste and smoker's breath. So I accept these things and I will pour my love on each one. Then there's the desire to quit. I see that I want to stop this behavior but my plate is currently full. If I put much more on there, it's going to overflow and I'll be left without this entire foundation I've built. So for the time being, I will continue to smoke. The hard part is not hating myself for doing so. So I will pour my love into myself entirely. This stone is ready but cannot be placed yet.

Next, my sexuality. I've had some bad sexual experiences in my life and I know that some of that truly hurt me during those times. I accept my responsibility in taking a step back and seeing this for what it is. This is simply a memory and I know I've become much better since then. My size may not have increased, but my skill has. So I pour my love into my sexuality. This stone is ready.

Next, my sense of humor. I know I've always had a dry sense of humor and I'll be working on that very soon. So I accept my sense of humor as it is, pour my love into my sense of humor. Set this stone aside to be polished.

Next, my sense of adventure. As a child I was always so adventurous. I aspired to be like the video game character Link. I'd even envision the song in my mind as I walked down streets. Now I'm trying to find that sense of adventure again. I accept my sense of adventure as it is, pour my love into it. Set this stone aside to be polished and molded.

So now I've got my main foundation set together, I'm pretty level headed right now. Not feeling super good, not feeling super bad. I'm just me. Now I'm going to put this tablet down and I'm going to look around. Then I'm going to smile.

[DanielIssac]

Day 2 - Night

One of the biggest issues I'm having is impatience. I've begun to notice several behaviors that I do in order to escape. One of the main ones is smoking. I'm beginning to wonder what would happen if I scheduled my smoking. Not to put a leash on it but really get in there and build some resistance.

Other things I do would include listening to music and watching YouTube videos. Though I know I need to get a healthy dose of humor in my every day life.

Another thing that I use to distract myself is thinking about a potential future relationship. Though this part I don't really know how to get this out of my head. Again, I'm wondering what will happen if I set aside an hour to just let myself ponder about this. To think about that woman I'd like to meet, marrying her, making love with her, making babies with her. Even though I don't know who she is yet. I'm going to give it a shot and see if it helps with how much I think about it throughout the day.

So by putting these issues under observation, I hope to gain more control over them. The same goes for getting over my ex. Now this I know I can't constrain to any one time frame. But going through the same cycle over and over every single day is getting tedious. Even though I'm getting better and faster at rebuilding myself, I wish I could just get some reprieve from it. Which of course ties back into my level of patience.

I can see how much has changed, but I realize how much further I have to go. I feel stuck. Like I've grown as much as I can until I get some real experience with this new mindset. Though I do know it's become much easier for me to talk to people. Which is a massive improvement. But I still haven't made any friends yet.

Granted, even if I did. Communication would literally be an issue because of my current financial limitations. Not to mention just going out and having a good time. So you can see where I'm getting hung up here. I want out! Let me out! This sentiment rings in my head quite frequently.

The one thing I found funny today was not just 30 minutes again I walked to my local corner store to pick up some Halloween candy for my brother and me. While I was up there I had noticed a young woman checking me out as she was heading out of the store. I paid no direct attention to her but I saw her eyes. Thinking back on those piercing brown eyes makes me feel like she wanted to devour me. Quite literally.

It wasn't just a look back over the shoulder. She knew I was there. She had spotted me as I came up to the counter. Then as she left she looked back again. Like jaguar eyes. It felt kind of intimidating. But in my mind, I knew what that was. I had never had been aware of a woman looking at me like that before.

I walked home thinking to myself "why didn't you go up to her?" I mean she can't just look at me like that and not say hi! But then I thought about it some more. Would that have been something I was interested in? That was a sort of "I want you right now!" Look. I don't want someone who only wants me right now. I am looking for the long haul.

But this is indulging myself in getting caught up in something that never happened. It was only a look! I'm in no position to be in that type of circumstance and chasing what would likely be a one night stand would do nothing but cause me pain.

This is why I don't think cold approach is going to be an option for me. Too many other guys have made that style into a flimsy, one night stand cliché. I hate the fact that others have ruined this style. I despise men that go out there, pick up a woman, get her to fall in love with him, have sex maybe a handful of times and then jet. Often times leaving the woman heart broken and pregnant. And people wonder why feminism is a thing! It's literally because of these guys!

Anyway, before I continue on my rant. Where was I? So my goals for tomorrow are to follow my schedule more precisely, doesn't need to be perfect. Set aside time to think about the future relationship I want and build my smoking schedule. It will be very frequent as I still smoke about every hour. I'll give each one a 15 minute window. So if I don't exactly feel like smoking right at the moment, I give myself time to build up to it. If I find I don't need that cigarette, then I will wait until the next opportunity.

So this is going to really test my will power. Plus I need to look into some basic back exercises as well that I can do at home so my back doesn't hurt as much while meditating. So that's my plan for tomorrow.

My goal here in this journal is to create a precisely detailed documentation of my experiences because I know I can break out of this permanently and I want records of this for two reasons. 1. I want to be able to read this 5 years from now and be able to cringe like crazy. 2. I want to document this very closely for mental health purposes for others. Maybe you, the reader, are going through a really tough time. I want people to know that what they experience in this hole is normal. They are not alone. The memories will be different, but the experience is nearly identical. I know this because I've seen it. So if you are reading this and you are still unaware or unwilling to open your eyes. Things can get better, it'll still suck! But it won't be as bad as sitting there hating yourself, the world and life in general.

[DanielIssac]

This is where the whole thing really starts to annoy me. Here I am, its 1:16am. I'm still awake with no feelings of tiredness and all I can seem to think of is her. The thought being I'm so sorry its so easy for you to stay away from me. This sentiment has been true through our whole relationship. It's just now amplified by the fact that she decided she wanted to move on with some dude 2 states over back in may. 2 months after we split.

Its moments like these where it feels like everything is weighing down on me and I've fallen beneath the cracks again. But I know I won't stay here long. I hate feeling like death is a better option. I hate feeling like I'll never change. I know that most suicides occur during recovery, so I'm more vigilant than ever.

Though some how I don't think it'd ever work anyways. It's not like I haven't tried before, over 100 times, in I want to say about 12 different ways. Do you know what that feels like? To not even be able to pull the plug by your own will? Believe me when I say I've tried.

I've done just about everything I could think of. I've tried boxing myself in a small closet, taped up all the cracks to prevent air from flowing in. Then started mixing bleach and ammonia. I tried this twice. Once for 9 hours, once for 6. The 9 hour attempt I began to freak out because I could feel cold wind crawling across my arms and I had a hallucination of this machine in red mist. I wasn't quite certain but I got a very distinct feeling of pain.

I've had a loaded gun in my mouth. I've tried overdosing on sleeping pills. 300-400 every single night for 3 months topped with  a 40oz bottle of Steele reserves. Every night. I used to travel to a nearby set of train tracks and fantasize about placing my head on the rail as a train passed by.

I can't tell you how many times I tried. For months, every single night. I tried to convince myself that it would be OK. No one would miss me. I've even cut my wrists, a few different times. At what point do you just begin to feel like something else is keeping you here?

For most people, it usually takes just one occurrence. Just one near death experience to convince them that "God" had plans for them. Back when I was about 15, I got my hands on 3 bottles of different types of seizure medication. I took them all. Over 14,000mg of these medications in my system for 9 hours!

I remember sleeping most the day away. I slept so long that my father had to come in and try to wake me. I heard him but I just responded with moaning. I don't know what provoked my brother to look in my top dresser drawer to find the 3 empty bottles but something did.

My father went to the kitchen and grabbed a wash cloth and wet it down with cold water, came back and put it on my forehead. Almost immediately I began vomiting. I still remember the color and taste of it but for the sake of your stomach I won't detail that.

I tried to get up but I was so dizzy I couldn't see straight. I could swear my brother was sitting in the back corner of our room, laughing at me. I made it to the toilet but by that time all of it was out. My step mother stood at the bathroom door, watching me. I couldn't help but feel like she was mocking me.

The paramedics came and carried me off. I ended up being hospitalized for 4 days, most of which I was completely out of it. Something else is keeping me alive. I don't know what it is nor why, but something is. If it were up to me, I would've died several times by now. I'm like a real world Kenny.

This is the stuff that really bothers me about my life. I've heard of people suffering through horrifying things. Things I still can't imagine, but the things I've seen... What I've described in this journal has not even scratched the surface.

One day I'll take this journal through the most traumatic 5 years of my life, but not yet. Its not time to dig through that hell just yet. But I know that's where the desire to die comes from. You'll see what I mean later.

You know how they say "don't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes"? Most people wouldn't be able to handle the first block. Let alone the whole mile. That's not meant to be a arrogant statement. Its the truth. I've literally had people break down on me after reading what I've been through.

This is my hell and I own it. But I have to be careful here. There is a sense of pride in here and I don't like it. This is the pride I get when I hurt someone with my words. The wicked smirk when I watch someone break down.

This is the toxic me. The evil me. And I am very powerful. I also still know how to control this, that much I've only lost for a few seconds twice in my life. I always hate letting that part of me out and I don't know if this is a part that I will be able to love or accept.

It's 1:51 now. My brain feels exhausted. But I can't just leave myself like this. So let's rebuild again... Or maybe not yet. I don't know. I can't just stay here bleeding. OK, we are not putting this off! Do it and mean it!

Fine

OK... Confidence doesn't fit right now. OK

What is feeling empty?

Loneliness

OK. Let's pull this out and we are going to accept that we are feeling lonely.

No not WE! I

Fine!

I am feeling lonely! Happy?

No

What does it feel like physically?

I'm not sure, a heaviness in my chest. My biceps feel kinda cramped, my thighs feel kinda weak.

OK, good

How does it feel in your head?

My head feels... Like a nail in the back, center on my brain. Slight headache. Vision is a bit off but that's probably from tiredness. My throat is dry.

Alright, now can you tell me if this is actually hurting you?

No. I know its just my emotions

So you are in no real danger?

No. I'm not in any real danger, you dick!

Can you accept these sensations as they are?

Kinda don't have a choice, unless you got a magic wand!

Take a breath

Deep

Out

In

Out

In

Out

OK. I know the feeling is still there, can you accept it now?

God damn you! Fine!!

Alright, here we go

I am feeling lonely and that is OK

Its OK because...?

Its OK to feel lonely because I blah blah blah

No! Say it right!

Its OK to feel lonely because I am still hurting inside.

Good. Now what do you say we pour some love into it?

I'm kinda out gas right now, do you happen to have esurance?

Be serious!

OK, OK.

Think of that moment you felt loved

Let it wash over you.

Let go of the image

Now

I give this love to the one that is lonely

Again

I give this love to the one that is lonely

One more time

I give this love to the one that is lonely.

OK, good. I'm going to give you back full control and you are going to start rebuilding OK?

Yes, sir

OK. Yes, I split myself at times like this. I kind of have to, like a fail safe. Though I've never tried writing it out before. Very interesting. Required very little conscious effort. OK. So now I rebuild, you've seen the process, go do that with me and come back. Smoke break.

 

Edited November 1, 2017 by DanielIssac

[DanielIssac]

So I woke up at 6:30am today and my brother decided to wake up as well.. So I threw on some pink noise while I meditated. Not quite sure if I like it but I'll give it a week. I'm still getting random thoughts of her going through my head but today doesn't feel quite as bad.

!!!TRIGGER WARNING!!! SEXUAL CONTENT CONTAINED IN THIS POST!! !!!TRIGGER WARNING!!!

I'm finding myself getting side tracked with all this stuff I scheduled early in the morning so maybe this may be of assistance to me in dealing with that pain. One of the biggest things that still gets me is the sex. I won't go into detail but we had pretty damn good sex. Which I remind myself that's OK, actually that's great! Because I know I can have amazing sex again. Just in due time.

I wasn't really fully open with her and found myself hesitant to do the things I wanted and especially to ask for the things I wanted. Asking for things has always been an issue for me, especially in sexual terms. Mostly because I was never really comfortable with just blurting out "hey, can you give me oral?". That has always been a strong desire of mine. To watch my partner consume me. To literally provide nourishment to her.

But I'm not selfish either. I love giving back so long as she keeps herself clean. This was a bit of an issue with my ex and it led to some degree of frustration because she wouldn't really clean herself properly until after we had sex. I'd like to imagine that part of my routine is starting by going south of the border. To really get things going before penetration.

I'm a very big romantic and I'm very passionate so these little things are very important to me and when I don't get them or feel uncomfortable doing so, it really kills my mood and I just can't really enjoy the rest of the experience. Then there is the idea of trying to have a session in which I get multiple orgasms, or ejaculations. I've always wanted to try but I'm not into pills and oral is the only thing that can keep me stiff after the first one.

Yeah we are diving really deep into my sexuality. Probably should put a trigger warning here. Be right back. OK, now let's continue.

One of the things I know is I don't mind being on bottom but it is really hard for me to really enjoy it. This may have just been because she was overweight, maybe a more fit woman wouldn't be so uncomfortable to have on top. I'll have to try that if my next partner is lighter. But in general, I like being on top, missionary style.

I cannot do doggy style or reverse cowgirl style because I have to maintain eye contact throughout the session. It feels unauthentic and void to not be able to look into my partner's eyes as we play with each other, teasing, biting, pushing. This is just how I make love. I'm OK with that. At least now I am anyways, lord knows what will happen when I find myself in that situation again. I'd like to imagine I'd be more confident in my capabilities and in my body. I'd like to think that I could randomly make a funny face and watch her crack up right as I push into her, get that moment of stupid really going. You know, when the eyes roll to the back and no ones home.

I'd like to think I'd be a bit more adventurous. I'm still pretty intimidated by toys and what have you, so if that's something my next partner is into, it'll be something I have to work on. Then there's the matter of really allowing myself to be vulnerable with my next partner. Not this insecure, not confident, unsure person I was before. I know what I like and I'm willing to bend a bit.

Here I am opening up about this and ordinarily I wouldn't even talk like this to my partner. That's another thing I really need to work on, talking dirty. Granted I don't really have a woman to practice with. But when I do get into that next relationship, if she is comfortable with it, I'm going to give it a shot. Maybe try to really take it over the top.

I already know I can write love novels with my lips, so its just a matter of getting the words out. Stop being so damn scared. But this is all just one aspect to the bigger picture,which I'll touch on later. Do I really want to post this...? Screw it!

[DanielIssac]

Day 3 - part 2

I've successfully kept my schedule thus far which is nice. I'm noticing that I'm feeling a bit more energetic today. My thoughts aren't focused so much on my ex right now which is a major plus. I started exploring sexual empowerment and sexual health so that I can really work out the kinks I know are in there. Being a bit more realistic with myself, having sex 7 times in one day while we were in her room from her parents somehow doesn't seem super healthy. In fact I remember it being very worrying. Frequently having issues performing and focusing on what I wanted while oppressing my urges to be vocal.

The sad part was I was 32 and she was 25. We were hiding from her parents, like teenagers, in her room... Yeah, way to go Dan! But we live, we learn. So that's going up on the list. 

When I get into my next relationship, make sure she doesn't live at home with her grandparents!

Beyond that, I've been doing OK. Not super great but manageable. Getting ready to go shopping, my brother is going to HATE me after tonight because I'm dramatically changing our diet tonight. No more pizzas, no more ice cream, no more bags of fries, no more just about everything.

I'm looking at the basic food chain to build the new diet plan. 3 servings of whole grain a day, 3 of veggies, 2 of fruit, 1.5oz of almonds, cashews or walnuts, 2 servings of dairy, chicken, turkey and fish. That's it! I'm putting in meatballs under the rare red meat, 4x a month. So this is what I've come up with. In terms of vegetables, I want to get corn, broccoli, Brussel sprouts, spinach leaves and carrots. Spinach being the only non frozen item. For fruits, I'm looking at all frozen fruits. Beyond that, everything is good.

I'll be putting together my fitness plan later tonight and my smoking schedule. I'm going to end up having tons of alarms. But this feels good! I'm OK today. I can smile.

Edited November 1, 2017 by DanielIssac

[DanielIssac]

Day 3 - Night

While I was out shopping I had an old pain resurface, I was happy at first because for once it wasn't about my ex. It was about my mother. I approached this pain with this sense "Oh thank God! Something different". After a few minutes and it started to settle in, my mindset shifted to " oh god..." It was a dull, burning, very persistent pain.

It stayed with me for almost an hour and the wounds were so deep I couldn't really get in there to study the whole thing. I began trying to recall my memory of love to pour it into this, but this pain is so old and just decimated. I couldn't even summon the memory I use to feel love. I couldn't even summon the love I have developed for myself.

So I sat there and just let it wash over me. Breathing into it as much as I could. Strangely it didn't make me very emotional. There were several different memories that seemed to make this experience into one whole pit. As I began to just let this go where ever it was going, I felt a bit of relaxation. Like a calm before the storm.

Right now I'm sitting here, still kind of shaken by it but the pain has subsided for the time being. I'm just astonished at how much pain there was. I'm not sure but I'm pretty certain this won't be a one time occurrence. I'm literally shaking. I'm wondering if this is something I can work through or if I just need to stop these thoughts when they happen. The emotions seemed so ancient and dark. It's hard to explain.

Anyway, I'm getting the schedule fixed for tomorrow and I've got everything needed to begin this new diet. I wish I could say I was excited but right now I'm just kind of exhausted.

[DanielIssac]

I'm beginning to feel guilty for doing this but I don't really have anywhere else to turn right now.

Today was such a good day too, I don't understand this. I swear sometimes I feel like this is over and something just keeps digging into me. So apparently I've got 2 songs that are severe triggers. Well actually more like a set of lyrics from these 2 songs.

So this is how its going in my head right now.

All I wanted was to say goodbye, into the fortress that you're stuck behind

And in the silence now I realize that after all I built the wall.

We were one in the same, running like moths to the flame, you'd hang on every word I'd say. But now they only ricochet.

I just wish she could forgive me so badly. I try and try to accept that she's not coming back but no matter how hard I try, some part of me is still hanging on for dear life.

If I could help you forget, would you take my regret? 'Cause I remember everything! If we could start again, would that have changed the end? We remember everything!

Oh god how I wish, I just want her so badly and its all I can think about. The burning in my chest is so painful and I find myself romanticising of her again. All those moments of the stupid shit we used to do. How she'd grab my arm and squeal while watching birds fly by, she called them poofies. Fucking poofies... God damn it! I can't even look at a bird and not think of her!

4 years Daniel! 4 fucking years! She kept promising she would come home. She kept building me up to think she was done living under their roof! 4 years of it! Then when she finally did come home, she only stayed for 3 days... That should've been when I left her. Emotionally it was. She chose to go back to that god forsaken house! Because of what? Her cat? No! She never wanted to be with me, not really!

I always knew that she would never come. It didn't matter if I had a job or not. It didn't matter if I was collecting SSI or not. It didn't matter if I was stable or not. She would have never came! Then she goes and takes my son to god knows where with some dude she met online?! Really?!

I want my boy... I haven't seen him since he was born, he's almost 3. She texted me today to tell me they dressed him up as a pirate for halloween... But she won't tell me where she went. God damn it! I fucking hate this shit! She wouldn't let me sign his birth certificate and now I'm left here with nothing I can do because I listened to her! I trusted her! I waited and waited for her to just come home so we could be a family.

I miss my son! And as much as I fucking hate her for this, if she showed up at my doorstep right now I'd take her back in a heartbeat. Because I'm just that pathetic. I hate this so much. I have asked so many times how much can I possibly lose in life? All I've ever seemed to do is lose. "God" took my other son before he was even born! His name was Jared. Fucking umbilical cord wrapped around his neck one week before he was born... I need to go look that up, see if that's even possible. I still don't believe that, I never have. He has to be out there, he has to be alive.

I just miss my boys... I'm OK. I'm not OK. Just go!

He's alive, I know he is!

https://www.bellybelly.com.au/birth/nuchal-cord-9-facts-cord-around-the-neck/

Edited November 2, 2017 by DanielIssac

[DanielIssac]

Day 4 - part 1

So I woke up late today, by almost 3 hours. It's to be expected. But I still managed to get my morning schedule done. I even got about 17 minutes of basic exercise in. I'm a feeling a bit better than last night. Not too many pains are floating around in my head. As a strange note, my fire seems to be gone. I've tried for the past 4-5 days to breath life into it but it just won't come back.

I get a mild burning in my chest when breathing trying to breath into it but that's just a physical response to how deep I exhale. For awhile I couldn't determine if it was just gone or if it had become a part of me. But I'm a bit more certain now that its gone. Which is a bit bothersome.

Songs don't seem to be coming to me either. In fact, I haven't really heard any music in my head for a good 6 days. It was going once every few days just last week. Now I sit down and try to write a song and its just not working. I'll get a few lines but the lyrics feel empty. Even though I know they are positive.

Maybe I'm listening to real music too much? I do get a few songs that play in my head throughout the day. I'm going to try not listening to any music for a few days and see what happens. I'm feeling alright today, a twinge of pain here and there but not a lot. Just tired still but I don't want to sleep until tonight. Try to get this schedule going on time.

I know I shouldn't try to force it, but right now this is about self discipline. I need to maintain myself at home before I can maintain myself anywhere else.

[DanielIssac]

Day 4 - night

Something strange happened today. I was just talking with a friend I had made on Facebook. We've been talking for about a week. The subject of being together came up, almost naturally. I had told her that there was still a lot of pain left in me, that I was broke. But she still came back and said she wasn't going anywhere.

This is where we hit that curve. I had never considered the notion of being with her. She seemed nice, but it wasn't there. After tonight, I felt something I hadn't before. I opened up with complete vulnerability. I let her see the scars I bear. She doesn't know exactly how deep they go and I wager she doesn't really need to.

But everything changed so rapidly. We were just friends talking. There was a spark. We spent the next 2 hours just talking over the phone. I didn't want to get into another long distance relationship, but this feels different. I laughed and smiled in ways I never thought I would. My heart pounded out of my chest. But as I was going through this, I was able to maintain some level of control.

For the first time I didn't come off as needed, maybe a little insecure but not needy. We didn't make this official yet so the relationship hasn't started. But there is definite intension to do so. Two less lonely souls in the world.

The only thing that bothers me is my own thoughts. I need experience, I'm getting a chance to get that and really try to build something here. She seems dedicated and a near perfect match! I asked her tons of questions. She even dislikes makeup like me! So why am I feeling hesitation now? I don't get it, but I'm not just tossing this away! No way in hell!

[DanielIssac]

Day 5 - part 1

So this has been an interesting journey already. I find myself smiling a lot more, when I think of her laughter. It brings such warmth to my heart. At the same time I'm feeling very anxious, I'm working on my issue with time. In the very least, I get my new guitar on the 9th! Wow! I can start learning my songs and cover songs and start putting those out on YouTube!

I just find this so strange, I wasn't even looking! Why is this getting to me so much? I can't get her smile out of my head. My heart feels so warm but it feels like its kinda bleeding. Its such a strange sensation. I mean I've felt the warmth before and the nervousness but this is a bit different. There's confidence in here too! Like I deserve.

As I'm studying these emotions I'm noticing that most of them are attached to 1 of 3 things. Her laugh, her smile or her eyes. She even tried sending me a picture of her in this really sexy pose, but as much as I appreciate her body, I'm more drawn to her eyes and that huge smile she was wearing.

I mean she was covered and everything, this would be like sportswear type clothing. She is very attractive though. Nice, tight body. But those eyes! I have to sit here and ask myself what's wrong with me?! I was very confident today, very open, very compassionate. So how can I gain access to this feeling on my own?

It seems like love is an emotion that is so hard to control by yourself. I'd compare it to trying to drive a bull with only your finger tip. But others can play your love like an orchestra. Even the slightest of gestures can send it into a dramatic climax. Its so hard to study to. I can't quite seem to pin this emotion down. Every time I try it disappears briefly or just slips out of my grasp.

I don't necessarily want it to calm down, I'm enjoying this feeling. But I do want to try to understand it, learn how to summon it willingly. This is just beyond my reach right now.

[DanielIssac]

Day 6 - 1

There have been some interesting developments in the last 24 hours. As I've begun to study this emotion we call love, I'm beginning to see hints of control. Very vague hints but it feels like a massive breakthrough. I'm beginning to allow this into my anxiety as I continue forward. One thing I knew was if I were to let myself fall, I wanted to use that to help me toward my journey.

By now, I've spent almost 7 hours talking to two women. The first one I allowed myself to open up to seems to either be fake or shy. Either which way I don't really like it. I had asked her for a picture of her eyes and she sent a photo shopped version of her profile picture, which is an enormous red flag.

But that's OK. Despite that, I've been able to carry this new openness to my other friendship with the woman who has been a sort of recovery buddy. She knows far more about me than most people do in terms of my past, and somehow now my sexuality. I've begun to notice as I find myself embracing the things I desire, its much easier to convey those things. Even though it still feels like such unfamiliar territory.

We discussed my own issues with size which is quickly disappearing as I study positions to use and other things of that nature. Being aware of this topped with learning to just talk and being able to make a woman laugh has been extremely helpful to my confidence and my charisma.

The conversation between my friend and me turned more intimate very quickly, we both kept trying to put in a bit of distance by saying things like "they, or him or her" but somehow the wordings kept working back to "you" I want to try this with "you". The nice thing was it was so free flowing despite how anxious we both we.

It makes me wonder if I can carry this feeling within myself to truly let go of that neediness. I've done very well with that so far and I don't believe I'm coming off as needy because I'm not. I am lonely and that's OK. Its been 3 years since I've had companionship so that's to be expected and allowing myself to feel that is OK.

There's also some desperation for sex, again 3 years. So there's going to be an understandable drive to build up to that. I can't exactly fly over to Australia right this minute and she isn't going to be coming here anytime soon either so rushing is out of the question.

The other thing I'm enjoying is that she has her battles with anxiety too! And I'm giving her bits of help here and there as well as some support. So as we build each other up, this relationship builds up. But we are both very cautious to be codependent. Sometimes she knows I just have to feel things out just like I know sometimes she has to run away. We both seem to have accepted that about each other.

So as I'm writing this, it strikes me as such a beautiful thing. Two human beings trying to help each other build as we naturally find ourselves wanting to build together. Its like, looking from a third person perspective, watching two children bond as they stack toys together or wooden blocks. Building massive skyscrapers and makeshift cars and little homes. No ill intentions, just sheer enjoyment of themselves and of each other's company. I can't help but think of how beautiful it is.

[DanielIssac]

Day 6 - night

I had allowed my schedule to slip today. I needed a break, my body was sore all day yesterday. But as I'm approaching the night, I'm noticing that my emotions aren't sitting quite right. I was barely able to meditate for 7 minutes. Like my will power for the day just disappeared.

So I can see this is having a severe result. I'm still going to only exercise Monday, Wednesday and Friday for right now. I need to build up some resistance so I'm not constantly sore. So lesson learned today. Get shit done in the morning so I can feel good at night.

I even noticed I was getting a little clingy to one of the women I talk to. So that behavior needs to be fixed immediately. All the meanwhile I'm still trying to study the love I feel and for what reasons. I mean, I can understand why I'd love the one I've been talking to. She has always been there to straighten me out and say what I needed to hear.

The other one seems so far from herself she just agrees to everything and anything. She plays the stoic independent woman but in reality I can see straight through those cracks. The most frustrating thing is getting her to say no! She seems to have such a hard time with that.

So I take these relationships and project them in on myself and I'm trying to see what areas can't I say no? What areas do I give full compliance regardless of what I feel is right? Well, the simple answer is I can't say no to love. Not really sure I want to. I will give a great deal of compliance but I do have my limits.

Improvement cannot really be had because I don't really see an issue here. I cannot say no to love, that's something that has been a very hard thing to find, so now that I've found it I need to give that to myself. Which means no more blowing off my morning routine!

I feel tomorrow will be better. Though I also feel like I'm starting back from square one. So I relapsed. Now I have to learn from that. I have no desire to take back the chains that held me down.

[DanielIssac]

Day 7 - part 1

As I'm going through this and pinning more and more pieces down I'm noticing that I actually don't want to feel bad if I can help it. Like yesterday when I let my schedule slip. Today I've been on top of it, a bit late because I slept in but I still got it done. I've noted that my thoughts are becoming easier to manage to an extent. But in the moments when I'm talking to my girlfriend, everything feels so loose and I just let go. I say some of the stupidest shit and she just laughs! I enjoy making her laugh which makes me more confident so I continue to say stupid shit and the cycle continues. Yesterday I gave her cheek cramps! It was the most amazing thing I've felt to know that.

I'm still working on pouring all of this into myself as well and as I do, I'm beginning to see this sort of lost ambition. Stuff I haven't thought of since I was a kid like "I wonder what tree tastes like?" Or "I should roll around in the autumn leaves!" I haven't gathered the courage to follow these notions but I can feel it. Like a child-like sense of wonder about the world. Its there and I don't want to fight it, but there are some areas that I auto correct unwillingly.

Earlier, I was out doing my morning walk and I found a puddle that I just really wanted to step in, but my logical mind wouldn't allow it. So I side stepped the puddle and something hit me. Its all these tiny little rules that I follow, like getting my pant legs dirty by stomping in a puddle is wrong. Its really as simple as that! The reason life gets so damn complicated is because we make it so. I get it now. 

But at the same time, its like looking at two different paintings in my mind but I can only focus on one. Trying to focus on both just makes everything blurry

[DanielIssac]

Day 7 - Night

One thing I noted is this feeling of emptiness in my chest. Like it's sinking in. I can't quite put my finger on why it's occurring but its there. There doesn't seem to be any thoughts attached to it, yet it persists. Its really bothersome. I'm going through everything in my day and nothing is really sparking a connection.

I explore my love with my girlfriend and try to figure out what's bothering me there. The only thing that sticks out is that she is super agreeable. Almost everything I suggest, she agrees with. If I say I like something, usually she will express some like for it as well. Its very difficult to pry into her and find out what really is in there. Like pulling teeth.

She had asked me earlier why I fell in love with her and my first answer was "you existed". It seemed so corny but so deep. She was excited by my statement. I went on to clarify the things that I actually enjoy about her like her love of music, her laugh, I love her voice, I love her smile. But I'm not really getting the deeper stuff. I can dismiss that a bit because those things come with being around someone. Finding all the little intricate things she probably sees as flaws that I would see as beautiful.

So there is some emptiness there but it doesn't seem to be the core. I asked her why she loved me and her answer took me aback and made me question this whole thing because her answer was " because it makes you happy". That was something that really hit my chords the wrong way. I don't want someone to love me because it makes me happy. But it could be a misunderstanding. She is from a different culture and perhaps its not meant the way I think it is. Further questioning will be needed to verify either way.

Then I look at my schedule. I've done very well today despite waking up 2 hours late. I've ate well today. No exercise so maybe that may be a thing. I have been giving my body a rest because i was just so sore. Maybe I need to do the lower back exercises 3x a week but keep the abdominal workout every day to see if that will help with these late night feels.

Then there's the whole aspect of this entire experience. I'm beginning to stop looking back in such distaste though its hard. I see who I am right now vs who I was. I need to change that, I know that I had the tools to deal but I just didn't have the motivation and understanding. I learned as much as I could but all I got what information, not context. I wasn't able to take in the context because I wasn't ready to.

Then I have these feelings for her. I'm not sure what it is but I just feel like I've found a missing piece. Perhaps that's not a good thing, it is a sort of context of a need. I don't know. I just know when we talk, all I care about is getting a reaction from her. To get her to smile, blush or laugh. Those aren't bad things to aspire to conjure.

I've been using some of this on myself as well to conjure up my own smile, blushing and laughter. It really doesn't take much honestly. The only problem is that its all focused on her. I smile when I think of her, I blush when I think of our dirty talk and I laugh when I think of her laughter. These things don't feel bad but logically I know they are signs of neediness.

Maybe I'm taking this stuff too literally? I'm not really sure anymore. Part of me just quietly requests me to stop questioning so much and go with it. But I do feel a lot of resistance. I fear a lot of things here. I'm afraid she will be a scammer, even though she seems very authentic and I've seen plenty of her photos, talked to her for hours on end. She hasn't asked for money or even hinted at it. Just relax Daniel! She has some scars, its to be expected. She opened up a bit about her childhood and I know exactly why she is so agreeable. She doesn't want to be abandoned.

Yet even still, I'm kind of afraid this is going to work. That in 6-8 months I'll have a job and be able to go see her for our first meeting. Then depending how things go, we even talked about marriage. I've wasted enough of my life focusing on everything that went wrong, was wrong or could go wrong. It appears I haven't fully broken that yet because I still feel like she could come here, marry me and then grow distant after a year or two and then leave.

I studied Filipino marriage scams way too much! But it makes me wonder why she's so agreeable. I know I shouldn't stress myself over this but I have to. I can't just say nah. Why can't I? I don't owe her anything right? She doesn't owe me. But I know I wouldn't just disappear. I don't have that in me. I'm just writing thoughts as they come at this point.

Well let's consider this. What would happen if I got a job, paid off my past due child support and got a visa to go see her? We would probably meet  somewhere, probably near her home. I'd meet her and her son. I don't have any issue in taking him under my wing either. We would probably be romantic and affectionate with each other. Maybe do some family activities if there are any local parks, playgrounds or whatever. Depending how things go, I may find myself in her bed. Making love to a wonderful woman.

What happens when its time to leave? I'd have a hard time leaving her side, especially if we connected as well in person as we do over the phone. It'd be very painful. Depending how hard it is, I may just ask her to marry me right there. But I really need to get a feel of her and the scars she bears before I do. I know marriage is the aim. Yes, she is going to benefit tremendously from marrying me and moving here with me. For one, there's more accessible medical care. For two, if she decides to leave then she would be eligible for government assistance like wic, tanif and food stamps. Plus alimony, so pre nuptial is a necessity.

But on the flip side, what if she really has every intention of staying with me? Is that something I want to just pass up? Especially considering time is not on my side. This part is hard to say because I only have her words to go off of. If what she says is true, I could be looking at lots of adventures, lots of affection, total support and a family. If she is being honest, that means I'm going to get everything I've wanted in a woman, lots of physical and emotional affection, lots of great sex and foreplay, a shot at being a father, listening to her laugh every day, staring at her smile every day. This stuff makes me feel good and that twinge inside is still sitting there screaming at me to just shut up and go with it!

Why do you gotta look a gift horse in the mouth huh? Why?! Is it not enough? She fucking loves you, you idiot! You and I both know it! You can hear how she laughs at your dumbass jokes! You saw the smile you put on her face! Did she copy paste one of her photos? Yes! So?

It raises a red flag. What if all these photos are fakes or just previously shot?

What if you get struck by lightning in the next 30 seconds? Huh? Just stop! Stop analyzing! Stop over thinking! Enjoy the woman you are in love with, for once.

This is something I always do to ruin a relationship in the beginning. I find any out that I can and focus in on it. Am I afraid of commitment? I need to get a second opinion here.

You got one already! Mine! Just go love her