well, that was quite intense and enjoyable. I took 3/4 of a 150microgram stamp - so I guess approximately 100 microgram of AL-LAD. I’ve had previous experience with trips, but only with mushrooms. so this one really took me by surprise: I didn’t expect a so called partydrug to take me this deep. and what surprised me the most: AL-LAD is very clean. so gentle, much less mindfuck and muddy than the shrooms.  as I waited for the effects to come, I did some yoga. until I felt slightly different. very hard to put into words: everything was the same, but oh so different. like the external world was still the same, but my perspective on it changed. my thoughts went on: what shall I do? How can I grow? what do I want out of this experience? how can I use this? suddenly I just had to laugh. how sweet! I suddenly felt waves of adoration and compassion for my searching soul. and then I realized: this drive in me, this endless striving and looking for something. I am a seeker! everything I do is because I want something out of it. I didn’t judge myself for it, for the first time. I felt honest adoration for this goal oriented little girl in me. I felt compassion for me: yes, I’ve been feeling like something is missing my whole life. everything I ever did was to feel validation, love and worth. I kept embracing and loving that striving part of myself until I burst into tears. it felt good, I felt my heart melting I once again had to face the fact that I didn’t know how to love myself. I’ve been running away from that my whole life, looking to get this love and affection from others. I realized I could only ever get it from myself. I think this little magic stamp showed me how to love myself. and that I can.  I was lying on my bed, just being there and feeling my emotions. until there was no one lying there: I didn’t remember who was lying there (already happened once with shrooms, freaked me out that time) this time I was quite cool with it. I just thought yeah, what do you want to show me? Where are you gonna take me? I’ll come with you. I’m ok with everything. just bring it. I had moments where I thought about friends/people in my life and I felt like I was them. hard to describe it. I just stopped being separate from them. wonderful <3 I had moments of what is this? what’s actually all about? I need to figure it out.  and then laughing: oh, sweetheart, nothing your mind could ever wrap its head around. and I realized: this will never be over. it will go on and on. no matter what you find and grasp, there is more and more and more. it’s never ending and so abundant! I had moments that where like slaps in my face like shit. what the hell am I actually doing? all the things in my life, all the importance and value I give to certain things..what is it actually all about? I felt that everything was absolutely worthless. but it wasn’t nihilist negative thinking. it was more a wow, I need to slow down. give more value to what really counts. what counts? I don’t know! but I think it’s the feelings I have…for me and for others. love? compassion? I had a crazy experience where I was quite happy and relaxed, lying there with a bis smile, floating through my thoughts. shifting from on person to another. and suddenly I felt something in my lower belly: like a slight hurt. now here it gets a bit scary: I suddenly felt like a mother. I felt like an african woman that just gave birth and I saw this baby in my hands, so tiny and fragile. it was just skin and bones. it didn’t even look human. it lacked everything: water, food, shelter. I think it was on the verge of dying. it looked into my eyes and in that moment my heart broke. I felt so much pain and overwhelming love for this little innocent creature. I took it into my arms and cried. (what the fuck are we doing? what the fuck am I doing? all whilst things like that happen every moment?) huh, that really humbled me down this happened multiple times: as I stood in front of the mirror I asked who am I? and then my face started morphing. at first it was always undeniably my own face. but different versions. ugly, dirty, evil ones. also loving, caring and beautiful ones. different personalities. ok, I can’t point it down to one character. I am many. I felt fractured. I told every version of myself in the mirror I love you. also to the most ugly and horrible ones. at one point the faces in the mirror stopped being mine. I went through what felt like hundreds of faces which morphed into each other. I didn’t know who they where! at one point I thought maybe my ancestors? I felt some resistance to male faces. (maybe I don’t fully embrace my male characteristics?) eventually I surrendered.  it sounds crazy, but suddenly I realized. ancestors, me. it’s all the same. a knowing smile crept on my face. pure awe. I am human! I saw an african woman with scars on my face. then I saw cleopatra and einstein (don't ask, I really don’t know why) and then…. I saw buddha. his gentle, loving, knowing, compassionate, soft smile. he was me and I was him. no male, no female. just a compassionate smile. what if this is it? a life for others. a life of service. happiness in others makes me laugh, makes me shine. my heart beats for others. I am truly happy when I forget myself and completely merge with what I do for the wellbeing of all creatures. hahah talk about psychedelics and god-complex (I am buddha) but it’s not like that, it humbled me.  now I would really like to take all this love, compassion and desire to serve I felt during the trip into my daily life <3 sorry if it got a bit long, but I could go on and on rambling. it was so eye-opening. thanks for reading <3