Al-lad Trip Report - A Life In Love And Service

[phoenix666]

well, that was quite intense and enjoyable. I took 3/4 of a 150microgram stamp - so I guess approximately 100 microgram of AL-LAD. I’ve had previous experience with trips, but only with mushrooms. so this one really took me by surprise: I didn’t expect a so called partydrug to take me this deep. and what surprised me the most: AL-LAD is very clean. so gentle, much less mindfuck and muddy than the shrooms. 

as I waited for the effects to come, I did some yoga. until I felt slightly different. very hard to put into words: everything was the same, but oh so different. like the external world was still the same, but my perspective on it changed.

my thoughts went on: what shall I do? How can I grow? what do I want out of this experience? how can I use this? suddenly I just had to laugh. how sweet! I suddenly felt waves of adoration and compassion for my searching soul. and then I realized: this drive in me, this endless striving and looking for something. I am a seeker! everything I do is because I want something out of it. I didn’t judge myself for it, for the first time. I felt honest adoration for this goal oriented little girl in me. I felt compassion for me: yes, I’ve been feeling like something is missing my whole life. everything I ever did was to feel validation, love and worth. I kept embracing and loving that striving part of myself until I burst into tears. it felt good, I felt my heart melting

I once again had to face the fact that I didn’t know how to love myself. I’ve been running away from that my whole life, looking to get this love and affection from others. I realized I could only ever get it from myself. I think this little magic stamp showed me how to love myself. and that I can. 

I was lying on my bed, just being there and feeling my emotions. until there was no one lying there: I didn’t remember who was lying there (already happened once with shrooms, freaked me out that time) this time I was quite cool with it. I just thought yeah, what do you want to show me? Where are you gonna take me? I’ll come with you. I’m ok with everything. just bring it.

I had moments where I thought about friends/people in my life and I felt like I was them. hard to describe it. I just stopped being separate from them. wonderful <3

I had moments of what is this? what’s actually all about? I need to figure it out.  and then laughing: oh, sweetheart, nothing your mind could ever wrap its head around. and I realized: this will never be over. it will go on and on. no matter what you find and grasp, there is more and more and more. it’s never ending and so abundant!

I had moments that where like slaps in my face like shit. what the hell am I actually doing? all the things in my life, all the importance and value I give to certain things..what is it actually all about? I felt that everything was absolutely worthless. but it wasn’t nihilist negative thinking. it was more a wow, I need to slow down. give more value to what really counts. what counts? I don’t know! but I think it’s the feelings I have…for me and for others. love? compassion?

I had a crazy experience where I was quite happy and relaxed, lying there with a bis smile, floating through my thoughts. shifting from on person to another. and suddenly I felt something in my lower belly: like a slight hurt. now here it gets a bit scary: I suddenly felt like a mother. I felt like an african woman that just gave birth and I saw this baby in my hands, so tiny and fragile. it was just skin and bones. it didn’t even look human. it lacked everything: water, food, shelter. I think it was on the verge of dying. it looked into my eyes and in that moment my heart broke. I felt so much pain and overwhelming love for this little innocent creature. I took it into my arms and cried.

(what the fuck are we doing? what the fuck am I doing? all whilst things like that happen every moment?) huh, that really humbled me down

this happened multiple times: as I stood in front of the mirror I asked who am I? and then my face started morphing. at first it was always undeniably my own face. but different versions. ugly, dirty, evil ones. also loving, caring and beautiful ones. different personalities. ok, I can’t point it down to one character. I am many. I felt fractured. I told every version of myself in the mirror I love you. also to the most ugly and horrible ones.

at one point the faces in the mirror stopped being mine. I went through what felt like hundreds of faces which morphed into each other. I didn’t know who they where! at one point I thought maybe my ancestors? I felt some resistance to male faces. (maybe I don’t fully embrace my male characteristics?) eventually I surrendered. 

it sounds crazy, but suddenly I realized. ancestors, me. it’s all the same. a knowing smile crept on my face. pure awe. I am human! I saw an african woman with scars on my face. then I saw cleopatra and einstein (don't ask, I really don’t know why) and then…. I saw buddha. his gentle, loving, knowing, compassionate, soft smile. he was me and I was him. no male, no female. just a compassionate smile.

what if this is it? a life for others. a life of service. happiness in others makes me laugh, makes me shine. my heart beats for others. I am truly happy when I forget myself and completely merge with what I do for the wellbeing of all creatures.

hahah talk about psychedelics and god-complex (I am buddha) but it’s not like that, it humbled me. 

now I would really like to take all this love, compassion and desire to serve I felt during the trip into my daily life <3

sorry if it got a bit long, but I could go on and on rambling. it was so eye-opening. thanks for reading <3

[Nahm]

@phoenix666 omg so beautiful! Thank you for sharing! Al-Lad is in my vocabulary now and sure to flow right into my experience soon. (Only shrooms so far for me) And thank you Leo for suggesting the worth in trying more than just one psych. Hopefully I’ll have a report as beautiful and humbling as this one. ❤️

[phoenix666]

@Nahm thank you for reading and always inspiring me to become more loving through your words. I am sure you will <3

[Nahm]

@phoenix666

[Leo Gura]

@phoenix666 That was just the intro. 1.5 tabs is when things get real interesting

[phoenix666]

@Leo Gura yeah, I was actually quite surprised. didn't expect a 3/4 tab to be that insightful. can't wait thank you for your precious work Leo <3 

[Lauritz]

Nice Trip Report! 

I am also waiting for a good opportunity on a weekend to take AL-LAD. I think I will also go with that dosage of around 100mcg. 

Did you have a tripsitter? Or would you say it was save all the time if you have taken it alone. 

I am a little afraid to take it alone, as I experienced a mushroom trip where I really was not sure if I would continue to be able to make the distinction between appearances (e.g. distinction between the depth under my balcony and a save ground to walk on).  

Edited October 30, 2017 by Lauritz

[phoenix666]

@Lauritz thank you very much!

yeah, 100mcg were pretty ok for trying the first time, so that's a good plan. 

no, I did it without trip sitter. the first two times I tried mushrooms, I was not alone. but looking back, I prefer going through the experience alone. it's my journey, my path, my unconscious revealing itself. I don't want anyone to influence those experiences I have to face. but that's just me and my feeling about psychedelics (for now). so you have to decide for yourself if you feel save enough <3

but in my experience AL-LAD is much easier on your mind than mushrooms. shrooms are very twisted and I also had moments were I felt completely stuck into them and the fucked up thoughts they were provoking. no such thing happened on AL-LAD: it was all very clear and chill. like a very clean headspace. 

[Leo Gura]

@Lauritz On 100ug of AL-LAD, you will be able to function mostly fine. Just don't drive a vehicle.

[Lauritz]

@Leo Gura @phoenix666

Thanks for both of your answers. I am looking forward to what AL-LAD will reveal to me. 

My last big mushroom trip was 4 years ago. Since than I have done a lot of spiritual work and had many insights. It also took me a long time to understand what I actually experienced. But now I feel ready again and what to see what the psychedelic experience is like now.

I want to trip at least a few times until january. Because I have planned a two week silent dark room retreat then. In my experience, psychedelics open up the consciousness for quite some time after the trip is over. I hope that this will accelerate whatever process unfolds during that retreat. And it should also give me more insights and experiences which I can relate to and think about...

[phoenix666]

@Lauritz yeah, I've seen that clearly with the shroom trips: as weeks go by and you process and integrate your experience, your entire being changes. I changed so much over the last couple of months. of course, meditation and patient mindfulness practice are a huge motor. but psychedelics are like a quantum leap the weeks after the trip are like opening one present after another <3

I wish you a wonderful experience with LA-LAD! looking forward to read your trip report, if you plan to write one!

[Lauritz]

@phoenix666 Yes I plan to write one... 

But interestingly I just had another huge shift in awareness. The most profound I ever experienced. "I" am no longer identified with the body but with the whole of my experience. It happened spontaneously while I was looking at a distant mountain, thinking "how is the outer edge of my skull actually supposed to be behind that mountain?". As all experience is supposed to arise in the mind... at least that is what everyone thinks in normal society, and most are not even aware of that. They think they really look at reality. Anyways... My sense of self now encompasses everything and I can see the infinite loop and how part of the infinite loop is the illusion that I am in a human body. The inside and outside experience hold each other up without any solid reality behind them. I can go to infinity and still end up being me. 

This huge shift happened so quickly, it hit me completely by surprise. But it feels good. Incredible to feel that everything and especially other beings are arising within me. 

Now I look forward even more to AL-LAD. To see how this trip on top of this new sense of self actually turns. That there actually is no difference between me and everything that arises. So incredible!!!

Edited October 30, 2017 by Lauritz

[phoenix666]

@Lauritz wow  how did that happen? sounds so wonderful! did it just hit you by surprise?

I slowly come to the realization that those shifts and insights happen spontaneously. not when you're trying to force something. it just hits you out of nowhere. sometimes even during an unconscious moment. but I think that meditation/mindfulness/consciousness work increases the chance of such insights and shifts happening. 

what's your daily practice? and when did you start your journey?

yeah, I think AL-LAD or any psychedelic really can take you to the next level. it can open doors to such shifts.

really wonderful what you describe. <3 I hope I'll experience something similar as well one day

[Lauritz]

@phoenix666

Yes it hit me totally by surprise. Because I am doing self inquiry the question naturally popped up in my mind "what is the distance betwen me and the experience".

And suddenly the sense of I now includes everything. But its more of a background feeling. Just as you are not always consciously associating with the body.

My journey started after some deep experiences on mushrooms 4 years ago. I do not even remember how it happenend that I became interested in them. Mostly out of curiosity I guess. Its so funny to think back to the moment I took them and see how little I knew about what I am getting myself into. 

3g of dried powdered mushrooms in lemon juice. After I had been water fasting for one week dont know what i was thinking back then. But the trip turned my worldview upside down. Or rather it forced me to do that afterwards. 

 

How about your journey? I hope it started from a more informed standpoint? 

Edited October 31, 2017 by Lauritz

[phoenix666]

@Lauritz my journey started a little more than two years ago out of deep suffering. I really was at at a painful place and one day took the decision to take life in my own hand. it was like victim mentality waking up and deciding to become a fighter. I kept forgetting thou. it then really started to change my life completely after a shroom trip last spring. that really made recognize the power of this whole work. the trip opened so many doors. I joined the forum, started meditating every day at least 1 hour and also went on a retreat. I really feel like something shifted in me in the last months. I've become a whole other person, even other people noticed it and asked me about it  much more loving, calm and giving. I hope to expand in that direction even more, it really is a beautiful place to live life from <3 people on this forum inspired me a lot <3 also Matt Kahns teachings.

but you do know now, don't you? that's all that matters I didn't know either. I just wanted the pain to stop. I would have never thought to become 'spiritual' and loving one day. I was a misanthrope. filled with hopelessness and hate. what changed now is that I don't look back judging myself. I'm not ashamed. I feel compassionate for my former self. specially on the AL-LAD trip: that really showed me how to love those repressed shadow parts of myself <3

wonderful so you have this permanently now? it's always in your background? so beautiful! I'll have to start doing some serious self inquiry as well..