What Can't I Accept All Of This? What Should I Do?

[Ariel]

I discovered Actualized.org a year ago after I searched for the law of attraction. I watched Leo's video and it was cool, I guess, he said something I liked. I looked more into his channel and I found out that he had a lot of videos with a lot of topics and I was excited. I was interested in self-improvement. I watched a few more videos about how to deal with negative emotions and how to stop caring what other people think and another one. Liked these videos, I heard things that I didn't hear elsewhere. Then shit turned upside down.

I kept watching the videos and I got into more serious topics. Then I heard some thing that I didn't really want to hear, it was pretty tough to digest it. I dropped Actualized.org for a while and then after some time I realized that I was putting too much focus on stupid things. I always took things as the end goal, I never took things in a "grain of salt" or whatever. I started thinking that maybe I should just watch, get the tools I want, and drop the rest. I applied it on books, videos and other shit.

A few months ago I wanted to return to Actualized.org I thougth I was missing something. I started watching more videos and then I looked at first about self-actualization. I always had a goal in my mind to become the best version of myself. I thougth that self-actualization is the same as that but then I looked deeper and it felt awkward. 

I don't like it. Something just hold me back. I just can't get hooked the the videos. All this consciousness, growth, awarness, enlightment and whatever. It felt really emotionally hard, Why? Because it sounded like some bullshit (not bullshit as a lie, bullshit as a waste of time). I am currently trying to build the habit of meditation and I think it could change my life but taking it like Leo is so bizarre for me. I thougth about the reasons that I didn't feel right with it. I thougth that maybe the paid content is what made me skeptical and I am avoiding a deeper issure, but it turns out it's not it, I ended up buying the book list because I wanted some good recommendations for books, I don't have the course yet and I am having trouble with it, I am not sure if I should buy it, maybe the channel is not really for me and I'll end up wasting money (I'm 17, so I don't have much). I thougth that maybe it's hard to me to accept some topics (like in the tv video, where Leo said that we should stop reading fiction, stop watching tv etc. I knew that it bothered me) but then I thougth that maybe it's not it. I thougth that maybe this is a fraud and I should stay away from it but then I thougth that it's not possible because there are so many followers and so little negative reviews. I thougth that maybe I am too young to think about this, but then I realised that soon I am turning 18 and that I should start to worry about my life. I still don't know why I don't like this channel, site and self-actualization in general.

I also recently thougth about something that I didn't like in Actualized.org, I didn't like it that it feels like Actualized.org is the only way to self-actualize. No other ways. And I thougth that what if suddenly Actualized.org shuts down, then I will be stuck, nothing to follow, a complete waste of time and then I would probably return to the more simple life.

I really like Mark Manson's approach to life. I like the simple life. Of course I don't want to grow up and work 9-5 in a boring job, obviously I don't want it.

I don't know if the self-actualizaed life suits me. It hurts my head. I overthinking and it's really hard for me to drop it, I feel like I am missing something. I think that I will lose life if I don't follow this channel. Something just feels bad for me.

I am sorry if my English is not that good (tell me if it was fine or anything).

What do you think I should do?