Ready, But Not Yet

[DanielIssac]

OK, so I'm emotionally ready to pursue a relationship and I know exactly what I want. I want that forever type of love. I'm not interested in just dating, never have been. There are some things that I have to get in order externally first, plus a few internal ones.

For the sake of personal information I'll keep the external factors short.

1. Is getting my finances in shape

2. Is getting my own apartment

3. Is getting a car.

4. Is getting a job to actually do all these things

For the internal factors I'm going to be as open as possible.

1. Would be the level of anxiety I feel when even thinking of talking to a woman. I've been practicing with talking to cashiers, nurses at my blood donation center and any people who approach me when I'm out. But still even thinking of talking to a woman with the sheer intent to bond is scary as hell to me.

2. I feel that online dating isn't going to be a fruitful endeavor for me as I've still got tid bits that are undesirable and that online aspect allows women to just look right past me. I guess what they say is true. Online dating from a man's perspective is like trying to catch a fish with your bare hands. I'm fairly skilled at communicating my hobbies, likes, values and what j expect in a relationship and yet nothing.

3. I'm not a club goer. I do not like big crowds nor intense music, those 2 things put enough stress on me. Add trying to hit on a woman on top of all that and I'd probably be an utter disaster.

4. I'm still working to embrace my masculinity. I've just begun doing this and the concept is easy enough, it's the actual employment of those methods that seems to elude me. Authenticity is still a difficult concept for me to grasp and convey.

5. I'm really not good at the "cold approach" in fact I've only tried a few times in my life. Most of my relationships have evolved out of nowhere, more or less.

6. I want to work on my comfortability levels talking to women but I'm not looking to be a permiscuous guy. I'm very monogamous and I only go for just one. That's all I want. One woman that I can marry, have a family with and build a happy relationship together.

I'm well aware that this is asking a lot! That is another issue. I know my clock is winding down and I'm in my "winter", so now I'm in a rush to build everything as quickly as possible while still maintaining a happiness in my life as it is, which isn't always easy but I've managed for a good 6 days now. 15 more to hopefully make this a habit. I'm always putting in the hours to really work on this and I'm constantly finding new emotions to experience as I go.

Then there's the neediness and codependency. I've worked out a lot of my codependent behaviors and neediness in practice, the question is what happens when the rubber meets the road? Will I be able to maintain myself or will I backslide? I'm becoming more and more confident in my capabilities day by day as I continue to do what I need to do for me, so I have to keep that dance going, spice it up a bit and hope to attract someone that can dance with me. Greater than the sum of it's parts.

I can say this has been one crazy ride, thinking back less than a few weeks ago I found Leo on YouTube and began truly putting the effort in to really do the work I needs to do in me. There are so many things I understand now and it still feels a bit bizarre. Especially thinking back on that severely depressed, severely anxious, completely needy, toxic guy I used to be.

Many people would attribute this amount of massive change to a God, but no. I did it, I made these changes! Through guidance and wisdom, I've built this foundation. Now I'm ready to build a life on this foundation. It will work because I want it to. I don't need it to. I just want this for myself. That's why I think I'm ready for that pursuit. I just need the external factors to line up with my internal readiness.

[aurum]

Good. A couple of questions to ask yourself:

1) You don't have to do cold approach and you don't have to do online dating. But at some point, you DO have to do something. So I'd ask you, what is your plan to make this a reality? How are you going to meet the necessary number of women to find the one you want?

2) You say you want "forever love", but you lack experience with women. From what I've seen, guys who come from that position don't know what they want in a woman. They only have ideas about what sounds good in their mind because they have no actual experience. How are you going to solve that?

3) How are you planning on improving your comfort levels with women? Cashiers at your local supermarket is not going to be enough.

[DanielIssac]

3 hours ago, aurum said:

Good. A couple of questions to ask yourself:

1) You don't have to do cold approach and you don't have to do online dating. But at some point, you DO have to do something. So I'd ask you, what is your plan to make this a reality? How are you going to meet the necessary number of women to find the one you want?

2) You say you want "forever love", but you lack experience with women. From what I've seen, guys who come from that position don't know what they want in a woman. They only have ideas about what sounds good in their mind because they have no actual experience. How are you going to solve that?

3) How are you planning on improving your comfort levels with women? Cashiers at your local supermarket is not going to be enough.

These are some very good questions. 

1. To be honest, I believe in my intuition. I can't follow my intuition over the internet. If there is a true connection, it must be felt in person. So if I had to choose, I'd say being out in the real world. Cold approach.

2. I've had 7 relationships in 18 years. 2 of which were for multiple years. I have a good grasp of what I'm looking for in a woman. The characteristics I value would be honesty, passion, loyalty, dignity, respect, personal courage, being emotionally available and open and above all, a taste for the small things in life.

3. There is only one way to get better with talking to women. Actually going out there and talking to women. I know that in order to find what I'm looking for, a friendship needs to be built first. Really get to know her before jumping into the deep end. No surprises in the friendship. I'm not entirely certain how long that would be or if even possible. The last thing I want is to find a woman I really like, only to find I really like her after she finds a boyfriend.

So I have to be decisive, I have to be knowledgeable and I have to be ready to pull that trigger at a moment's notice. It seems like a lot to me right now, but I know how that goes. I remember looking at all the work I had to do in me and just being exhausted. I have to do the same thing here, push through. Penetrate it, study it, learn it, love it, make it my own. Wow!

[Spiral]

For me working on improving my social skills, naturally got me in contact with girls. I was like a the biggest nerd ever before, so it's absolutely possible.

Getting comfortable touching friends and family in a friendly/playful is a good start. It's also creates lots of opportunities for jokes and for you to have a good time.

So getting comfortable a around guys and family will make you more comfortable around girls too.

[DanielIssac]

3 minutes ago, Spiral said:

For me working on improving my social skills, naturally got me in contact with girls. I was like a the biggest nerd ever before, so it's absolutely possible.

Getting comfortable touching friends and family in a friendly/playful is a good start. It's also creates lots of opportunities for jokes and for you to have a good time.

So getting comfortable a around guys and family will make you more comfortable around girls too.

I think I can do this. Change the way you perceive, change what you receive. There's some traction. I'm so glad I've been documenting most of this journey.

[aurum]

56 minutes ago, DanielIssac said:

1. To be honest, I believe in my intuition. I can't follow my intuition over the internet. If there is a true connection, it must be felt in person. So if I had to choose, I'd say being out in the real world. Cold approach.

2. I've had 7 relationships in 18 years. 2 of which were for multiple years. I have a good grasp of what I'm looking for in a woman. The characteristics I value would be honesty, passion, loyalty, dignity, respect, personal courage, being emotionally available and open and above all, a taste for the small things in life.

3. There is only one way to get better with talking to women. Actually going out there and talking to women. I know that in order to find what I'm looking for, a friendship needs to be built first. Really get to know her before jumping into the deep end. No surprises in the friendship. I'm not entirely certain how long that would be or if even possible. The last thing I want is to find a woman I really like, only to find I really like her after she finds a boyfriend.

Good answers. So if you're going to be doing cold approach and talking to all these women, what's the next logical thing you should be doing to support that?

[DanielIssac]

9 hours ago, aurum said:

Good answers. So if you're going to be doing cold approach and talking to all these women, what's the next logical thing you should be doing to support that?

I know I'm not super great at being authentic, but I know that will come with experience. I've got most of it down, it's just that one area that I am lacking. The most obvious step would be to study cold approach techniques while I am rebuilding my own life. Getting the experience isn't a top priority at the moment but if an opportunity arises, I need to be able to take it. Not everyone is so strick on how well off you are.

In fact, most people just seem to want something genuine. The only thing standing in their way is that reliance of being untouchable when online. Another reason I have to study and learn this. When face to face, we are far more susceptible to the emotions of love, lust and wonder. I've also got to work on my humor. I tend to be a over analytical, logical and just plain boring. Running out of things to say is a very big issue for me.

The other thing I need to get in touch with is how I become attractive. Attraction is the key to all of this, which loops around to being authentically myself. Let go of the notion that money is everything. Let go of the notion that I'm not acceptable as is. Above all else, I need to really trust and follow my intuition. This is going to take some serious work.

EDIT: I've been watching videos and studying cold approach and I feel like there was one saying that really stood out. If you feel resistance, do it. Also accepting failure, be outcome independent, be confident. Learn from the failures, watch opportunities slip by when I let that anxiety win, don't just turn away. Really watch as that girl walks off, forever, because I wasn't man enough to face that resistance.

Edited October 29, 2017 by DanielIssac
Addition information

[Max_V]

@DanielIssac RSD Max has a great way of motivating yourself. 

You simply say: “The moment I said Hi, I already won.” 

Even though I have never tried cold approaches or anything like that, I think this could be a great help.

[YaNanNallari]

On 29.10.2017 at 7:19 AM, DanielIssac said:

 

1. Would be the level of anxiety I feel when even thinking of talking to a woman. I've been practicing with talking to cashiers, nurses at my blood donation center and any people who approach me when I'm out. But still even thinking of talking to a woman with the sheer intent to bond is scary as hell to me.

What I would say is that one way to look at this would be that you see them especially as a woman and yourself as a guy. Letting go of identifying with a role and not seeing the other person so much as a concept would be helpful. Think that you don't have to be anything and in any way for you to reach your goals. When I talk to girls I see them as just other people and share my love and thoughts with them in any fitting way, but I'm at the same time not very interested in relationships. I'd act a certain way if I wanted a girl to like me in a more shallow way.

If bonding with anyone is hard then it would be good to learn to bond with yourself first. Learning to be ok and accept yourself. Sometimes things learned in our relationship with our parents makes us naturally avoid closeness and bonding.

Great to hear you've been trying. Keep at it and don't give up on things. Execute your plan. There are a lot of valuable lessons to be learned and you don't really have anything to lose.

[DanielIssac]

14 minutes ago, YaNanNallari said:

What I would say is that one way to look at this would be that you see them especially as a woman and yourself as a guy. Letting go of identifying with a role and not seeing the other person so much as a concept would be helpful. Think that you don't have to be anything and in any way for you to reach your goals. When I talk to girls I see them as just other people and share my love and thoughts with them in any fitting way, but I'm at the same time not very interested in relationships. I'd act a certain way if I wanted a girl to like me in a more shallow way.

If bonding with anyone is hard then it would be good to learn to bond with yourself first. Learning to be ok and accept yourself. Sometimes things learned in our relationship with our parents makes us naturally avoid closeness and bonding.

Great to hear you've been trying. Keep at it and don't give up on things. Execute your plan. There are a lot of valuable lessons to be learned and you don't really have anything to lose.

I know I'm not ready yet, not out of fear but because there is still work I need to do in myself. I need to work on my sense of humor, my sense of adventure, my confidence and my authenticity. I know what I want and I need these pieces in place for me, in order to find that. I'm not interested in dating or hooking up, I want the real deal. Marriage, a family, a happy, healthy home.