Devastating Desire For Extreme Loneliness

[egoless]

Since my early teens I had this strong urge to be lonely. I always felt extremely comfortable and free when being alone. Around people I get tired in a matter of seconds. While this may be good for Enlightenment work it badly affects every social aspect of my life. I lost many friends because of that, I could not succeed in extroverted careers, was doing bad in group studies... I just can't bound with people anymore... In order to survive this materialistic, social world I invented many masks - I carry them everyday in such an extent that I am alien to myself. I almost forgot my true face... It feels like nobody understands me. If I show my true face and interests to other people just struggle to understand me. Most people feel that I am too mysterious and hard to communicate. Is there a way out for such a strong desire of loneliness? It is so hard to survive in this extroverted world like this.

Edited October 29, 2017 by egoless

[egoless]

3 hours ago, K VIL said:

wtf tbh

what do you mean?

[Leo Gura]

@egoless Go live in Alaska.

Watch Life Below Zero on Netflix to see how such people live.

[egoless]

11 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

@egoless Go live in Alaska.

Watch Life Below Zero on Netflix to see how such people live.

the thing is it conflicts with my desired life. I want to experience the heart of living. I love big international cities and noisy places. I just don't like when I am in the center of attention. I love meeting new people but as soon as I am "trapped" in a closed environment like university or work I get very conflicting. Idk why that happens but I love feeling freedom of ending relationships whenever I desire - seems like closed environments conflict with that ability and that affects me.

P.S. I admit this post was created after a bad experience yesterday but still this resonates with me consistently. I don't know why but sometimes I get extremely social but most of the times I get this immense desire for loneliness. Seems like inner conflict 

I'll definitely watch that documentary Leo.

Edited October 29, 2017 by egoless

[Leo Gura]

7 minutes ago, egoless said:

I want to experience the heart of living.

Living in Alaska IS the heart of living. You don't get more alive than that.

Go do a 10 day solo retreat and you'll scratch that loneliness itch. Careful what you wish for

[egoless]

2 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Living in Alaska IS the heart of living. You don't get more alive than that.

Go do a 10 day solo retreat and you'll scratch that loneliness itch. Careful what you wish for

Why do you think Alaska is the heart of living, would you live there yourself?

P.S. I always wondered what personality you might be among Myers Briggs 16 personality types. I would guess you are either INTP (more likely) or INTJ. I suppose you know what that is. However if we look closely personality is just another name for ego. 

[Leo Gura]

@egoless Watch the show and see how they live. You'll see.

I'm not the one here who started a thread about needing extreme loneliness.

[egoless]

5 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

@egoless Watch the show and see how they live. You'll see.

I'm not the one here who started a thread about needing extreme loneliness.

I knew you would not answer P.S. part. INTP . I will watch the show.

[Leo Gura]

@egoless That has been answered long ago in the old Myers-Briggs thread.

[jjer94]

I've also had the same tendencies for a long, long time. Maybe you could glean something from my own insights.

I was a floater in school and wore multiple masks to fit into different groups. Every single girl I've met/been with has rejected me. People thought I was mysterious. I had trouble communicating. I preferred to be alone playing video games (I was badly addicted) or doing something creative. 

Throughout the years, I was so deeply hurt by people that I decided that I wanted nothing to do with them. I buried my feelings and instead projected them onto everyone else with the following axioms: I hate people. Nobody can understand me. Then, I gravitated to personal development that added the following axioms: Social interaction is stupid, consciousness work is more important. Sexual intimacy is stupid, consciousness work is more important. Everyone around me is a fucking unconscious chimp, so why bother interacting with them. 

I thought that since I can already spend ridiculous amounts of time alone, I must be spiritually developed. I thought that since I've read hundreds of spiritual books by now, have had awakening experiences, and can mentally masturbate on this stuff for days, I must be on my way to becoming enlightened. But what I haven't realized until recently is that I've been using the higher stuff as a crutch for avoiding the lower stuff. I've been avoiding my fear, anxiety, guilt, and shame, all demons of the lower chakras/Maslow's hierarchy, and obsessing over spirituality and upper chakras/Maslow's upper needs. I don't isolate primarily because I want to become enlightened. I isolate primarily because I'm afraid, socially anxious, guilty for indulging in sex and pleasure, deeply hurt, and ashamed of myself. 

This is why Leo talks about building a "healthy ego" before transcending it. You have to resolve the lower needs in order to reach the upper needs. Fear, social anxiety, sexual anxiety, toxic shame, low self-esteem... all of these "lower" obstacles are limits to your unlimited being. I don't mean become a sexual extrovert - you are who you are. Just work with the fears, and all of this "desire for loneliness" will become a non-issue.

Hopefully you can relate. If so, then I suggest doing what I'm doing right now: become re-acquainted with your body, your feelings, and your personal power. What I've found to be especially helpful is yoga (especially the kind focused on opening the chakras) and breathing exercises. Also, journaling about your fears and limited beliefs, and learning self-acceptance. One book I've found especially helpful in that regard is You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. 

Edited October 30, 2017 by jjer94

[egoless]

@jjer94 very valuable insights. I can to some extent relate what you said. I am also running away from my demons. It all comes down to Maslow's hierarchy system. You can't practice self actualization and Enlightenment if the basic material staples are in a poor condition. That's why I am trying to balamce my spiritual work with my practical life nowadays. 

@Leo Gura I knew you were an INTP! Because I am INTP myself and I see similarities between us. I found your older post where you mention that after self development your personality might have changed. Do you think it is possible to shift mbti personality?

Edited October 30, 2017 by egoless

[Leo Gura]

4 hours ago, egoless said:

@Leo Gura I knew you were an INTP! Because I am INTP myself and I see similarities between us. I found your older post where you mention that after self development your personality might have changed. Do you think it is possible to shift mbti personality?

Depends on how screwed up your social conditioning was as a kid. If it was real bad, you might have been so brainwashed that you're really disconnected from your authentic personality now. But for most people I don't think their personality will change much, it will just get purified of egoic distortions and various social conditioning. So if anything, this work should make your MBTI personality stronger. But also it will balance you out. For example, as an introvert, you can learn to function pretty well as an extrovert when the situation calls for it, for short periods of time. Masculine/feminine tendencies in you will also tend to balance out with more and more spiritual work. That balance is nice to have.

[cirkussmile]

@Leo GuraGurGuraGuGuraGurGuraGGuraGurGuraGuGura

I have no idea what happened here. Please delete. Phone is bugging

Edited October 30, 2017 by cirkussmile

[egoless]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

Depends on how screwed up your social conditioning was as a kid. If it was real bad, you might have been so brainwashed that you're really disconnected from your authentic personality now. But for most people I don't think their personality will change much, it will just get purified of egoic distortions and various social conditioning. So if anything, this work should make your MBTI personality stronger. But also it will balance you out. For example, as an introvert, you can learn to function pretty well as an extrovert when the situation calls for it, for short periods of time. Masculine/feminine tendencies in you will also tend to balance out with more and more spiritual work. That balance is nice to have.

Every time I do the test it comes out as INTP and unfortunately I am 95% introvert which is crazy. Like being INTP is not a heavy burden on itself. I think being INTP is unluckiest out of all 16 types. We are so indecisive and unpractical. The fact that we are so intelligent loses its point because we can't properly express it in a practical matter. That is why I struggle so much to find a suitable career for me in the business field. I wish I was ENTJ or at least INTJ as they are less abstract while being very good in practical matters.

However I hope that Extroverted intuition will make things better as I age and gain experience and knowledge of how this world really works in a practical manner.

Edited October 30, 2017 by egoless

[Martin123]

2 minutes ago, egoless said:

Every time I do the test it comes out as INTP and unfortunately I am 95% introvert which is crazy. Like being INTP is not a heavy burden on itself. I think being INTP is unluckiest out of all 16 types. We are so indecisive and unpractical. The fact that we are so intelligent loses its point because we can't properly express it in a practical matter. That is why I struggle so much to find a suitable career for me in the business field. I wish I was ENTJ or at least INTJ as they are less abstract while being very good in practical matters.

“I wish I was this or that” is a red flag inviting you to dig deeper.

Why are you the way you are? Is it 100% natural, or are you reacting against something?

[Afonso]

The mind loves to give excuses for why there's suffering - Oh, I'm an introvert... Oh, when I was a kid, blabla...

Keep doing the work. Feel the suffering and stay with it. Surrender to it.

Edited October 30, 2017 by Afonso

[egoless]

6 hours ago, Martin123 said:

“I wish I was this or that” is a red flag inviting you to dig deeper.

Why are you the way you are? Is it 100% natural, or are you reacting against something?

No the problem is inner conflict with my personality type and my desire to be a leader and more socially active. Unfortunately most INTPs do not make great leaders because of our focus on abstract ideas and impracticality. Maybe they could make a good spiritual or science leader but that is also very rare possibility.  INTPs struggle to find themselves while they young and this is 100% natural for our personality. Look at Leo's life - what kind of radical shifts did he make in his recent years.

[Forestluv]

32 minutes ago, egoless said:

No the problem is inner conflict with my personality type and my desire to be a leader and more socially active. Unfortunately most INTPs do not make great leaders because of our focus on abstract ideas and impracticality. Maybe they could make a good spiritual or science leader but that is also very rare possibility.  INTPs struggle to find themselves while they young and this is 100% natural for our personality. Look at Leo's life - what kind of radical shifts did he make in his recent years.

I am a solid INTP and a science educator. Like you predicted I am not a leader. I do some things in the classroom and lab very well, yet leading/managing is not one of them.

And I can relate with the challenge of deep introspection and forming deep connections with others.  

[Forestluv]

16 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Go do a 10 day solo retreat and you'll scratch that loneliness itch. Careful what you wish for

Do you think a 4 day solo retreat is worthwhile? I suppose it's better than nothing, yet I'm curious if it is sufficient to get enter a space beyond my conditioned external reality and perspective.

[egoless]

1 minute ago, Serotoninluv said:

I am a solid INTP and a science educator. Like you predicted I am not a leader. I do some things in the classroom and lab very well, yet leading/managing is not one of them.

And I can relate with the challenge of deep introspection and forming deep connections with others.  

Science is a thriving environment for INTPs. I was interested in astronomy since I was very young but unfortunately in my country there was not much career opportunities in that field. I chose business and finance but now I am stuck in extroverted and corporate career where INTPs will always struggle to find peace and passion.