Things Seem To Be Getting Worse After Over 1 Year Of Daily Meditation

[Timotheus]

It's been about 13 months of 30 – 120 minutes of daily meditation/concentration, here and there some self inquiry and about 15 trips on LSD, Al-Lad or shrooms.

 

A lot has changed, but it feels like I've been suppressing or disconnecting from my emotions for too long. In most of my trips so much fear, shame and pain comes to the surface that in 2 of them I seriously considered killing myself cause I just couldn't stand it anymore. And now I am aware of constant shame and fear and pain also during meditation or randomly throughout the day. At least now I can feel something, most of the time in my life I was depressed and numb or not even aware of my anxiety. However recently I do experience some moments of peace, quite rarely, but it's getting more.

 

I've been emotionally disconnected from my parents and couldn't connect to friends throughout my life, so that I cannot remember any love in my life. Been playing quite a role of someone who is overly friendly and funny. I've always tried to hide my pain to the point where I was imitating laughing on a regular basis when really I felt nothing or worse. The few sad moments I had where actually one of the best, I finally felt alive. However recently, when I watch a video of Leo, Eckhart, Rupert etc. I can feel an outburst of love (the trips really helped alot with that). At first I actually wasn't sure what this intense feeling in the area of my solar plexus could be, this is how fucked up I am.

 

I've been compensating this before I consciously started on this journey with weed, alcohol, porn, drama, food, self destructive behavior, isolation, disconnection and daydreaming. I believe if I didn't come across Leo, last year while I was vegetating in my dorm room, being stoned from morning till evening, I would have committed suicide or ended up as a heroine junky. Since then I've never touched weed again and almost no alcohol, I've lost over 44 lbs and am now the leanest I've ever been in my life without any effort, I just don't have any desire for unhealthy food or behavior anymore, it's just the opposite.

 

I still have low self esteem and a victim mentality, but now I can really see this during my interactions. I feel quite stuck in life. I just don't know what to do. Been studying an computer science related bachelor programm for over 2 years now, but I'm quite sure that this doesn't fit in with my values. I just cannot develop any passion for coding, nor do I want to become a software consultant or a project manager. I'm also stuck in the middle of the life purpose course due to limiting beliefs and uncertainty about my values.

 

I am a 24 y/o virgin and this journey doesn't seem to help with that, since I quit going to parties or anything similar for the last year and I have no desire to go back. I've cut down some toxic relationships and feel like I can only relate to one friend anymore(he's also into PD and enlightenment).

 

I am getting more and more aware of synchronistic events and also it seems like I can sometimes intuit what other people think by knowing what they're going to say. I'm also much more aware of other people's emotions, it feels like I've been blind my whole life and probably still am.

 

I feel quite neurotic/anxious about posting this, but I don't care. It felt quite releasing to write this down.

 

Thanks for reading.

[nightrider1435]

Experiencing more moments of peace is a good sign. Hang in there and keep on going, as far as I can tell you're doing fairly well actually.

[Viking]

You remind me of myself a lot, very similar circumstances, studies, started LP course, faking emotions, victim mentality, yours are more extreme, probably because you're a bit more ahead in the journey.

Dunno what to say except dafuq did you expect from the journey? It wouldnt be worth it if it was all rainbows now, wouldnt it?

For me it's as long as I dont quit im good.

[Danielle]

I can relate to your story. The first year I had some childish expectations that by the end of it I'll be totally blissed out and purified. It's a difficult road and right now is the perfect moment to ask yourself how bad do you want it? Are you willing to go through all that pain? I hate to inform you, but things just got serious 

Suicidal thoughts, existential crises, overwhelming pain and suffering have to be there. You have them pass, not supress them. They will come and go, stay on track!

Also, expect all your ideas and beliefs to be totally crashed down until there's nothing left. This process shouldn't be taken lightly, you're facing your death here. 

Edited October 27, 2017 by Danielle

[phoenix666]

as divine will wants, I was just watching this video before I stumbled across your post. maybe it can help you <3

 

[AxelK]

In my experience, things usually get worse before they get better when you're working on yourself and your issues

[Nahm]

@Timotheus you’re being way to hard on yourself. You’ve put in sooo much work and accomplished a lot. Sit and breathe from your diaphragm for a few minutes and try to realize who you are, what you’ve accomplished. My advice - keep a focus on the foundation and slow down on the trips. Sometimes experiencing that love too early in the overall process can make us feel like we’re missing something or not getting it right. TIM YOU ARE GETTING IT RIGHT! Write down all the things you’ve done for yourself. I think you’re missing what a solid list that is, and you deserve to feel much more accomplished than you are allowing yourself to at the moment. You got this bro. You really do. ❤️

[WaveInTheOcean]

I'll be the first one to say it.

15 psychedelic trips in 13 months is not a good idea. IMO, it's way too frequent use of these extremely potent tools.

You absolutely need LOTS of SOBER time to integrate deep psychdelic trips. More than a few weeks. We're talking months. Stop taking psychedelics for at least 6 months. 15 trips in 13 months almost seems like to me that you're sorta using psychdelics as a kind of escape from reality... which is not a helpful way of using them...

"Psychedelic experience is only a glimpse of genuine mystical insight, but a glimpse which can be matured and deepened by the various ways of meditation in which drugs are no longer necessary or useful. If you get the message, hang up the phone. For psychedelic drugs are simply instruments, like microscopes, telescopes, and telephones. The biologist does not sit with eye permanently glued to the microscope, he goes away and works on what he has seen..."

- Alan Watts.

You can always pick up the phone again later, but limit it to max 1-2 times a year. And prepare a lot for the trips, do your best to make them profound experiences instead of just "casually" taking them once in a while.

[jhmarrio]

12 hours ago, Timotheus said:

Since then I've never touched weed again and almost no alcohol, I've lost over 44 lbs and am now the leanest I've ever been in my life without any effort, I just don't have any desire for unhealthy food or behavior anymore, it's just the opposite

This to me suggests massive growth!  I would offer that you try (and I know its not easy ) to be very patient with yourself - like Im talking years. I found it very easy, once I started addressing some of my inner demons and traumas, to think that I was on the wrong path when now in hindsight that was the first step to getting past them - becoming aware of it. Two of my fave videos of Leos are his ones on patience and awareness is curative. May help. Good luck!

[Sage_Elias]

Maybe your authentic self is trying tell you to make some bold life changes and your going through this crisis because your in resistance to what you truly want. I have had to make these bold life changes since I started a year ago, and each time I suffered because I delayed in taking action.

 

1. Quiting my religion and facing the criticism of the church elders
2. Dropping out of college to pursue my life purpose. My entire family thought I was going mad.
3. Quitting my business because it was no longer in service of my higher purpose.

Nb. After doing each of the above, I felt more authentic and more at peace. So consider what your authentic self is trying to tell you and listen to it!

[Timotheus]

Thank you.

[Milos Uzelac]

2 hours ago, Timotheus said:

Thank you.

Thank you for this post.

[Leo Gura]

@Timotheus Sounds like you're doing good (you're growing), it's just that you had a traumatic childhood and so you have a lot of extra emotional baggage to work through.

If you seriously feel suicidal, then take the process slower.

15 trips in 13 months might be too much for you.

[Richard Alpert]

@Timotheus You are doing good. You would be suprised how many people have self destructine thoughts at some point of their life. You are alive and you have done nothing wrong. so you are winning at the moment

[Vercingetorix]

It's Inspiring and motivational to read your Journey!
For me, it seems you are progressing.

You can try to do "unlimited sits": if you want to get rid of a crippling problem/emotion fast, first actively make yourself feel it by engaging in a situation that brings it up or by imagining such a situation\ thinking of a past situation. when the emotion is strong, start meditating. Identify the sensations you are resisting and focus on them, accept them, see their true nature, see they are temporary. and sit with them until they pass. If you have to go to do other stuff, resume where you left in the next time you have free time.
You have to break the conditioning of the mind, the magic circle that make emotions feed thoughts and thoughts feed emotions.
Sit until thinking about or engaging the situation doesn't bring any more emotions or very weak ones. Congrats, you are free from them

If you do it seriously and correctly most emotions will fall in a few hours, max a few days (for each one)

warnings:
1)your ability to handle strong emotions is proportioned to your concentration ability, don't create emotions so strong you can't handle. develop your concentration first!
2) if you are thinking "well how long before they disappear, I've done it for hours already", it means you are not really accepting them, you want them to go away. so watch and accept them (easy to say ).

Alternatively, you can do a vipassana retreat which is quite similar. so great for purging emotions!!