The Inner War That Is Making The Climb Out Of Depression/anxiety Unstable

[Surrealist]

Hey, I'm somebody who works in Hollywood media (even though I always disdained it) and pursued music composition and videoart privately for 10 years, feeling very unsuccessful in my personal projects despite having a couple shows, and very ashamed of my professional impact throughout. I have been trying to recover from ongoing depression and anxiety for a very, very long time. The study and practice of personal development has been promising, but I can see the war between the following two paradigms is making my head spin in a lot of indecisiveness about how to make moves. I experience a lot of indecision and doubt when thinking about what I really want and how to get it, and then when I make moves, I very often regret them, and just basically live on a rollercoaster of psychic pain that I would quite like to jump off. I'm hoping someone has some insights into how to reconcile this, what is kind of THE big question in philosophy anyway: 

PARADIGM 1 (THE PARADIGM OF BEING A CHIMPY HUMAN)

Human beings like and dislike certain things, and have social needs. Misery is the result of spending your time doing things that you do not authentically enjoy, and not having your biological and/or relational needs as a human met. 

Working in the media makes me feel ungrounded, cheap, anxious, lonely, depressed, and ashamed of the addiction, self hate, and lies I am contributing to.

and

Working on my own media ALSO makes me feel ungrounded, lonely, anxious, depressed, and also incompetent

and

Going out to art/media based events makes me feel ungrounded, anxious, lonely, and depressed, because the content does nothing for me, I am reminded of my disappointment in my own work efforts, and my interactions there relentlessly reinforce that I do not belong, do not appreciate, and am not appreciated

and

I have no real friendships, real romance, or way to successfully vibe with women, because my vibe is bad, because I hate my work, which also makes me feel worse in itself

and

The benefits of self help and spiritual practice elude me because the rest is creating too much anxiety

THEREFORE 

I need to figure out what PURPOSE feels good and juicy to me

and

I need to figure out A WAY TO SPEND MY EFFORT / WORK that feels satisfying and joyous to do

AND/OR

I need to find fun / enjoyment, and the meeting of my relational needs somehow, regardless of my work, and then I’ll feel better about the work I already do, or have more clarity about what work I enjoy

PARADIGM 2 (THE PARADIGM OF BEING A TRANSCENDENT GHOST) 

The pursuit of happiness in work, relationships, hobbies, drugs, entertainment, and other outer things is actually the source of suffering. You suffer precisely because you bought the lie that you need conditions to be met to feel good. The real and only cure for excessive suffering is to surrender your conquest, and float back to your default position of bliss, which is your deepest nature, and is spiritual, sentient, and eternal. Surrender is the only path to substantial peace, love, and inspired action in life.  

My career is actually a goldmine of creative and impactful possibilities. I am squandering a goldmine and a decade of developing skills because I don’t have access to inner love. 

and 

I am surrounded by potentially deep friendships, and it’s me that chooses not to develop them out of depression and detachment to inner light

and

Dating is not working out for me because women can immediately tell that I do not feel good, which is again because I don’t know how to spiritually fill myself up, not because my work life is a big gigantic failure on my part to succeed in the past, or find the “right” work for me now. 

and

Of course spiritual practice is going to lead me there, dummy, just do it more and take it very seriously

So, these two paradigms pointing in exactly opposite directions, I don’t actually believe either of them. Paradigm 2 is convincing because even when I’m totally alone in the woods, even when I have no work I have to do, even when i am surrounded by people, i still feel like shit. And so while I’m trying to take action to feel better and make a life I like, I’m simultaneously believing that absolutely nothing will do it. 

I want to add also that I've spent most of the last year saying no to jobs to work on myself and finding inner light, but I'm finding that my inner peace and my flow in my outer life has really gotten worse rather than better. 

Edited October 26, 2017 by Surrealist