Pivotal Moment

[DanielIssac]

So I have found the fire in me. Its been there for a few days, it never goes away for long. Sheer motivation really. I find myself in a very awkward position, I've stepped back and really looked at my life. The problem is that so much of my mind is still so invested in all the images on the wall, but the fire inside is only interested in right now. As more images are being painted on the wall.

Its very hard to just let go and break free. Its like the fire inside is its own person. It wants control of me but it can't be forced. I know that this fire is healthy, I even tested it out. I had went to a dating site that does those "chemistry tests" just for kicks. I let the fire answer the questions, what I read after was like night and day. The report had so many shining things to say about me, it nearly made me cry because I had to read all that and tell myself that this is me.

I can't believe that if I just break free from all this, let the flames consume me, that there is this amazingly healthy man on the other side. Like looking into a mirror of beauty really. There are so many things I wish I could say but in all honesty, I'm scared to let go. Like everything I know will be burned in the flames. Ironically I know that is not a bad thing. It hurts to embrace that fire inside, to breathe life into it. Its hard, so I have to keep working with my therapist on this. One thing I know that helps is music. In particular, a song called Break Free (oh the irony) from Like A Storm.

While I know I'm not quite ready to let this all go, I know I have to in order to survive. No more tid bits here and there, no more "maybe tomorrow". It all needs to go into the flames. So I'm going to ask my therapist to walk me through it, I know I'm not strong enough to do it on my own. I know I need someone there waiting when I break and I know I have to break, to break free.

[Torkys]

Write down the pros and cons of the "firey" lifestyle to see if it is what you really want. It seems like to me that this flame is intuition. If that's what it is, you are lucky to have found it and it being active. Congratulations!

The only defenses you will make against it is purely egotistical. It's not that you can't say something, it's just that your ego wants to keep it to himself rather than to say it.

Practice surrender (the Do Nothing meditation technique is really good for this), practice authenticity. If you do this, you will see how neurotically you are controlling your life and by awareness alone, you will see that it's the "better" option and you will automatically gravitate towards it. Good luck!

[DanielIssac]

12 hours ago, Torkys said:

Write down the pros and cons of the "firey" lifestyle to see if it is what you really want. It seems like to me that this flame is intuition. If that's what it is, you are lucky to have found it and it being active. Congratulations!

The only defenses you will make against it is purely egotistical. It's not that you can't say something, it's just that your ego wants to keep it to himself rather than to say it.

Practice surrender (the Do Nothing meditation technique is really good for this), practice authenticity. If you do this, you will see how neurotically you are controlling your life and by awareness alone, you will see that it's the "better" option and you will automatically gravitate towards it. Good luck!

I'm already seeing the benefits of allowing this fire to take over. I'm normally a very shut in person. Today, under direction of this, I had spoke with a nurse at my blood donation center, our conversation was deep. I even felt a sort of click there. We talked for a good 10 minutes about her child and her life. I tried to really encourage her to start doing 1 thing for herself a day. Though I'm not sure she will follow through.

The second conversation I had was with a 51 yo man. We spoke of life, memories, children and how high prices have gotten. We spoke for 20 minutes or so. I haven't had a conersation like that outside of with my ex for about 15 years. Thats how shut in I was. Now I find myself reaching out, something I've never done and yesterday when my ex tried to criticise me for making changes after she left. She tried to make her misery my problem and I even told her "not my problem", I've NEVER even thought of saying that to someone.

If I could quantify how this fire feels when I let it take the wheel, I would. The best I can describe it is like there is this internal force that feels external. Like someone else there. Not sure I'd jump on the religion boat but that'd be a good description. I don't really know, its so weird to me. The even odder part is that when I let the fire take over, I can feel the scars in my mind that are still there. Almost like clumps, one is bigger. It is a pride in not crying. Something ingrained by society and family. There are other smaller clumps in there as well. Several are dust like, so small I can't tell what they are.

anyways, before I go and write a book here. I will definitely look into this and the meditation technique. Also, thank you for your words of encouragement.

EDIT:

Ok, now that I've learned whaintuition actually is, I can say this fire is it. The only reason I began even feeling this fire to begin with was because I had wrote this song, but it wasn't me writing. I've had only 2 other instances when I would wake up and hear a song in my head that I've never heard before. Unfortunately the second song is lost. I still have the first memorized.

But after I had wrote this third song, something hit me. I knew I needed to change the world with what I had to say. To raise emotional awareness around the world. I mostly had accepted it as my life purpose. Since then, that was when I felt that fire for the first time. I've written 3 new songs since then. All were guided by this fire but it wasn't easy to hear the songs. Thats where all the debris I can feel in my mind comes in, like meteors.

So this really is it. This is my intuition. The first reaction I have is of great fear. If I follow my intuition and give in, I'll end up alone, thats the biggest fear. I want the family life I didn't get to experience. I can't have that if I follow this. At least not to the extent I had imagined... so many questions, so many fears

Edited October 26, 2017 by DanielIssac

[Torkys]

If you are sure that it is intuition, follow it. Experiment. See if you are not kidding yourself with it. And if you are 100% sure, train yourself and surrender, but only if you see the value in it. 

"If I follow my intuition and give in, I'll end up alone, thats the biggest fear. I want the family life I didn't get to experience." (on my phone now, can't quote) 

Seems like you have a traumatic experience. You expressed it, you know what it is. Do some shadow work on it, test it with your intuition - but be careful, the ego may twist with it. 

[DanielIssac]

As I've been trying to study this fire I feel, I noted that what it wants and what I want are completely different things. You could say I've been butting heads inside. There is a problem however. The fire seems to be fading the more I try to analyze and the more I resist.

I can still feel it burning inside and I try to do exercises to breath life into it, but it feels lost. For lack of better words. So if this really is my intuition then it's getting weaker. I keep telling myself to just let go, but there is just too much desire for what I want. I know I'm emotionally healthy enough to chase the relationship I'd always wanted and the family life that comes along with it.

I'm not quite sure how to feel though. I think I could feel some pride in the growth that has occurred, but I also know this is where I platto if I just go after what I want. Its confusing and frightening. I don't want the fire to go away, but I can't follow it either. So I've hit a paradox. Something I should embrace. What can I learn from this? What does one side look like compared to the other and is there a way to combine them?

I know its not impossible to be a man of music and a family man at the same time. But is that something I'd want to put the woman I marry through? How about any children we have? Life on the road would be chaotic and sporadic. On one hand, all that travelling could be great for experience and knowledge. On the other it could be very detrimental, especially to a child. Having to make new friends and let go of old ones all the time.

The whole thing just keeps getting into a paradox. One thing that was pitched to me was the idea of, if I ever got to be a big deal, to tour doing certain times of the year. Maintaining a constant home in between. I could see that working for something like a summer tour. I know I'm planning way ahead of myself here but these are big questions and patience is not my best virtue.

I mean I don't even have my finances together yet but here I am projecting 2-3 years into the future. I've got my base goals down as well. So I'm constantly swapping between big picture and small picture, even though I don't really want to. Its such a confusing experience. Even this becomes a paradox if I think on it long enough.

So here I am, frustrated but not trying to be frustrated because frustration leads to neurosis. I wish I could sit back and just laugh at all of this.

As far as trauma, yes I have a lot of childhood trauma. I've worked through most of it and I've really broken free from parts I never thought I would. But that's not my drive to have a family. My motivation for that comes from a desire to break that cycle I was born into. To really be that amazing man I had wanted all my life. Sure, having a family doesn't make me an amazing man, but it sure wouldn't hurt that image of me either.