Why Do We Deliberately Waste Our Lives? Why Can I Not Have A Mid-life Crisis Now?

[Lorcan]

 

The date is Saturday October 21st 2017.

 

I am 15 years old. Soon I will be 16 in a few months. In 70 years I will be 85 if I live that long.

 

Pessimistically I might live up to the age of 50 give or a take 10-15 years more or less. I want to be a revolutionary. I wish to create/help create and establish a global ideology/system that, if successful in its installation will amount to a generally high consciousness among the masses. I must act quickly and diligently because soon I will dead, or crippled by old age.

 

What this system is? I have no idea. I am unsure whether if such a system exists. I do not want to be an emperor, a communist or fascist dictator. 

 

 I want to establish a system that could actually work, not some "bullshit" paradise where robots do all the work and everyone is living in Disney land castles sliding down a slide onto an armchair every morning onto the beach front at a perfect temperature while sipping a Pina colada. A society with insane levels of material abundance will still have the majority of people in the low consciousness category.

 

The society in question would be self-actualized (or more likely, self-actualizing gradually to the highest levels of consciousness for the most part) as to maximise the joy and fulfilment in each humans life and minimise unnecessary suffering (suffering that does not lead to growth or suffering that leads in the opposite direction from growth). The society’s highest values would be truth/truth-seeking and mastery.

 

I have this written down in my dream book. I think this is beautiful. My intimacy with it is something I need to self-actualize on. I find it difficult to shed tears of joy for somethings that is so hard to imagine. (I have only been able to do it once in the times I have tried) I want to cry for this.

 

Despite this being my life purpose. I still observe myself wasting away my time on petty low consciousness things. Deliberately, in full knowledge, I am wasting my fucking time. Now. I am better than the vast majority of people my age. I have been in and out of long streaks of meditation since the age of 13, I would get a good streak going then I would back slide. I have backslided with my meditation habit twice since I was 13. In the last month I have started up a consistent meditation habit. I have only missed one day because I foolishly forgot. I will not miss any more. I also exercise my upper body strength daily with pushups and various arm movements. 

 

I have gotten rid of almost all the fiction books in my book shelves and filled them with self-help books, history books, nutrition books, sociology books, political theory books, economics books, books on how to start your own business etc. I have not got a consistent book reading habit yet. I am trying to fully install my meditation and exercise habit first. I find that when I take on to many habits, my willpower breaks and I end up backsliding.

 

I waste a lot of my time playing videogames, sometimes on my phone. Or just standing idol procrastinating. What the fuck. 

 

 

 

Marcus Aurelius talks about this man, who he says is in some way of minister of the gods. In book 3 of Marcus Aurelius’ meditations.

 

He describes this man , " He responds to the divinity seated within him, and this renders the man unsullied by pleasures, unscathed by an pain, untouched by any wrong, unconscious of any wickedness; a wrestler for the greatest prize of all, to avoid being thrown by an passion; dyed to the core with justice; embracing with his whole heart all the experience allotted to him; rarely, and only when there is great need for the common good, wondering what others may be saying or doing or thinking. He has only his own work to bring to fulfilment, and only his own fated allocation from the whole to claim his constant attention. As for his work, he makes it excellent: as for his lot he is convinced it is good. And each persons appointed lot is both his fellow passenger and driver"

 

If I want to be a Revolutionary Enlightener of Mankind I need to become this man, this minister of the gods he speaks about. The god within me. Why can’t I stop wasting my time and unleash it. Why do I deliberately let my lower self, my slave self to control me. The god within just watches.

 

I am scared; I am so scared for my future. Have I chosen a path of untold suffering? As it I am scared to suffer. I resist suffering. I seldom do a set of push ups to failure as it is, and that amount of suffering from doing a set till failure is subpar to what I will have to tackle in the future. I need to change this. But how? How??????!!!!!!

 

 

 

Why can’t I just fucking realize it? Why can’t I not fucking LEARN it? Not learn as in "oh, yeah, I agree that’s interesting" but as in learn as Leo describes (changing behaviour) "HOLY SHIT, A-HA, THATS WHY I NEED TO BE DOING THIS, THATS WHY". Why can I not have a mid-life crisis right NOW! Something is not clicking. Why can I not realize the importance and magnitude of existing? If I did, I would not squander my time playing videogames. Yet I do. 

 

I know I am "only 15". But holy shit. I am 15. That's old. That’s like 20%-30% of my life gone already. Gone. Not coming back, and if I die tomorrow, what do I have to show for it? NOTHING.

 

I am scared, I am confused, I am lonely (almost), I am scared to suffer, and my willpower is subpar. I do NOT want to slip off the path I have set myself. I could EASILY fall back into living a mediocre life. I do NOT want this.  But half of my mind, my lower self wants to do this, it almost whispers in my subconscious mind "but its nicer this way, you don’t have to suffers" and the higher self says " NO. Do not listen, Push. Thou art exist art chosen. While you exist, become great, become good."

 

I have token measures to make sure I do not slip off the path, or ever backslide to the point where I give up on my purpose. I have stuck on my wall in my room in 155 size New Times Roman font "There is nothing impossible to him who will try". As I wake up, taped onto my wardrobe I see on a4 pages "Ego is the enemy" "The obstacle is the way" and "Let him who would move the world, first move himself". Above my dresser is Marcus Aurelius with a quote telling me not to procrastinate and that I will be dead soon.

 

 

 

So what of it then? I fear that there will come a point where I may stumble into the abyss of the low consciousness masses. I want to avoid this at all costs.

 

Yet, I still waste my time on petty things? How do I stamp this lower self out? This weaker self, the voice that cries’s for comfort, this belligerent fool inside that lusts for pleasure. How do unleash the god within me and kill any simmer ulcer of the lower self trying to drag me back down. I want to kill him, drown him in the light of truth. How? Or is this just an inherent curse of being human?

 

 

 

Edited October 21, 2017 by Lorcan

[K VIL]

you tell us

[Spence94]

I was in a similiar frame in my last year of University. Obsessed with the idea, the vision, the dream, the newfound possibilities of change. Ease of the peddle brother. Excercise, Meditate, be patient, the storm will clear. Life changes in radical ways at 16. Slow it down and get in touch with the reality of where you are at, we are keen to make change but this journey is 20 marathons in a row, even if you know youll die soon.  Practice self acceptance, dont be so hard on yourself, trust in the longterm process of transforming yourself. The lessons and experiences you learn will be passed on to others one day, have faith in a possibility of change, there may well be a reason you have certain things to overcome at this stage in your life. You are young dude, dont forget to let your hair down, recconect with nature, go hike a moutain. Shake shit up and visit another culture away from the books and quotes staring at you in the face. Grow from new experience of life you discounted before, have the courage to do this. You might be surpirsed as to what you find.

You sound bogged down. Life consists of many elements, not just neurotic drives for greatness, a true king must be balanced.

 

Peace

Edited October 26, 2017 by Spence94

[SFRL]

@Lorcan I didn't read trough that whole essay you wrote, but from the gist if it, you are definitely having a mid-life crisis right now!! Congratulations!!! You did it!!!

I think you are doing good dude. You are 16 years old. Keep trucking. 

[jjer94]

Relax. Breathe. Be gentle. Slow down. Take a bath. And stay in school.

Sounds to me like you don't like yourself, based on your strong desire to be great and need to compare yourself to others. How will you be able to build a self-actualized society if you can't accept yourself exactly as you are?

Also sounds to me like you're lonely because you are highly critical and condescending of others, and it's these judgments that keep you isolated. How will you be able to build a self-actualized society without first spending time with people?

Procrastination with "low consciousness activities" is obviously serving you somehow, otherwise you wouldn't do it. Instead of hating yourself for doing these things and using this as negative motivation for your life purpose, just ask yourself how it serves you. Be gentle. Does it allow you to avoid what you fear? Does it allow you to stay isolated? Does it allow you to stay in mental masturbation land? The answers are within you. Awareness is key.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. Before anything else, work with the bare bones. You are young, and you're doing fine.

[Lynnel]

@Lorcan  Take a walk in the park with your ego and breathe.

You're fucking 15. Changing the world is most often a grandiose fantasy. Something more concrete would be working on a given aspect e.g. revolutionizing a field of study by creating a perfect ISO standard, something which would be concrete, doable and still require great work. A new world system ? You may produce some great ideas towards that but it requires a very holistic point of view and a lot of experts.

Get your own life purpose and other things down.

Also, your life does not start at 15. You have not lived 15 years really. You've mostly only been doing nothing. Honestly, you're not old at all, maybe comapred to your 5 year old cousin, but still, before 20 years it's the tutorial sequence. Most of your time is taken/was taken by school, needless activities, etc. I mean seriously, what have you lived between 0 and 10 years old ?

After 20 if you setup your life right you can in only one year, more "life" than in those 20 before.

If you want a great piece of advice : start doing yoga daily and after 5 years you will have amazing results. It's also a great sport to keep you healthy. Starting some long term investement in a discipline like that is a great foundation in life. But twenty five 10 years of yoga will be so powerful you're gonna be amazed at how good your life is. This works with any long term investement activity.

Edited October 31, 2017 by Lynnel
typo

[Forestluv]

The only reality is right here, right now. Just be here and now. You are. Without attachments and judgments.

[Nahm]

@Lorcan Godspeed bro. 

[BjarkeT]

To aviod pain is my guess

the solution is probably to learn a lot of personal development martial but don't stick with one perspective see it from different perspectives i think it helps to get a more accurate answer as the first one is usually low understanding and possibly inaccurate 

Edited October 31, 2017 by BjarkeT