Rock Bottom - Ridiculously Terrified

[Fuse]

I feel extremely pathetic saying what I'm about to say right now, but I'm not sure how much more I can take. I have posted a lot on this forum about my addiction to porn/overstimulation/anything in this kind of category. I have received very valuable and well thought out responses regarding this, and I am so grateful.

For my entire life, I have been obsessive and had disturbing thoughts. As I battle my addiction, I see everything rise to the surface. Ever since I was as young as 6 years old, I have been experiencing disturbing thoughts about my death, constantly obsessing about and fearing the idea of suicide, death of loved ones etc. 

It's very strange to me as I try to beat my addiction how my disturbing thoughts manifest themselves. As an addict, I relentlessly obsess day in day out about suicide and whether my life is worth continuing. I feel frightened constantly, always fearing that I could do something drastic which really makes me feel insane. If not insane, then definitely not entirely stable mentally.

I analyze my entire life history, picking and choosing certain events to latch onto just to exhaust myself with endless attempts at reassurance. My addiction plays a lot into this, since I ruminate 24/7 about how pathetic I am being an addict, how much of a loser I must appear to those I care about, how much better my life could have been before making the mistake of becoming an addict and even feeling extreme jealously of those who are not in my situation.

It feels as if I have a large intimidating gloomy cloud hovering over me everywhere I go, no matter how good my circumstances are. When I feel bouts of joy and happiness, I constantly question if I deserve it. Any grain of happiness that I do experience these days is quickly destroyed by myself.

It's got to the point in my life where I cannot even do simple things which once gave me excitement without obsessing over why I should even bother since my life is ruined. At such a young age (19) I am even more terrified since I can also obsess over my potential future dealing with such misery.

If I could have one wish, it would be to turn back the clock. But I can't, and I never will be able to. I understand that I am only to blame for this, nobody else. I chose all of my actions, and I deeply regret making such awful decisions in my life to lead me to where I am right now: In my crumbling mind.

I really need help, I feel alone and unable to do anything.

 

 

[jjer94]

Hi. I can relate to your situation.

Two and a half months ago, I was basically where you're at. From one of my own addictions, I was down to a sickly 108 lbs. I could barely get out of bed. On a couple occasions I lied down and "gave up" until the body started to reanimate itself. Suicidal thoughts, rage issues, lack of self-acceptance, no desire to exercise, the list goes on. 

Fast forward to today. I've gained back 25 pounds. I have intrinsic motivations, especially for exercise. I'm connecting with others and forgiving my parents and most importantly, myself. Slowly but surely I'm rising out of rock bottom. 

What I learned from this ordeal is that depression has many facets. There is the physical aspect: low energy, low motivation, weakness. There is the mental/emotional aspect: stuck in the past, limiting beliefs, feeling sad, guilty, lack of self-acceptance, etc. And there is the spiritual aspect: life has no meaning, I have no purpose here, I can't connect with anyone or anything. 

When you're truly depressed in one or all of these facets, it all seems so daunting. Your emotional state blows things out of proportion and makes claims using the worlds "always" and "never". You refuse to listen to anyone around you because they "don't understand" the situation you're in. You push them away because you're too much of a "burden" or "fuck-up", which allows you to continue being depressed feeling sorry for yourself, even though you don't really mean for that to happen. 

The point is, we can only say so much. Most of what will be said here will only be absorbed by 5% of your psyche, and the rest will be rejected in order to defend your depression. Two and a half months ago, there was nothing anyone could say to make me feel better. That means, the emotional and spiritual facets of depression are off the table. You can't deal with those right now.

What you can do, though, is deal with the physical aspect. You said it yourself: you live in your "crumbling mind." You live "up there." Your head is in the clouds. You feel like a stranger in your body because you've forgotten what it means to be in one.

Have you ever just walked with no direction? Climbed a tree? Jumped in a cold lake? Danced around? Anything you can do to change your physical state will affect your emotional and spiritual state. I myself adopted a walking routine. Then I started doing cold exposure. Then I adopted a ketogenic diet. All of these things gave me enough push to get out of bed and work on one more thing. Then another. Then another...

As for the addictions, I can also relate, as a former video game addict for over a decade. Now they're a non-issue, in fact it pains me to think about playing them again. It's because I've managed to re-convene with my body to such a degree that I realized that I was using my addiction as a way to numb the uncomfortable tensions in my body. Most of my life before these two months was basically a re-arrangement of my life circumstances so I wouldn't have to feel that unpleasant emotional tension. Hence why I felt so dissociated from my body, hence why you may feel the same way. Don't worry about the addictions, they'll fall away in due time. And for fuck's sake, don't beat yourself up for having them. They've helped keep you alive for this long. 

My advice? Start with the physical. Remember what it feels like to be in a body. Obviously, start small. Walking, yoga, psychedelics, cold showers, acupuncture, massage, clean diet, anything to make you remember the magic of being in this meat suit. 

Second, if you can, surround yourself with family, or people who can support you in this process. You probably don't want to be dealing with studying or paying the bills right now if you're really down in the dumps. 

I wish you all the best. Read my journal if you need inspiration. 

JJ

[Fuse]

@jjer94

Thanks for your response, I appreciate it a lot. From what I read, you're basically saying I need to get off my ass to help with the physical side of things. I understand what you're saying, as I always feel weak and lazy making me unable to do things I really want to do. Probably why I fell into this nightmare in the first place, combined with my debilitating anxiety and obsessions. 

I just feel like I can't help myself, since any attempt I make to recover or do something positive leads me into crazy obsession, fear and regret. It could be anything I do, from simply messaging you on here or taking serious action in my life. I experience so much guilt, fear and regret that it's unbelievable.

I literally ask myself thousands of times a day, what is the point of continuing when you've already messed up in life and done stupid and horrible things? Why even bother trying to recover and making plans to be successful in life? I used to blame my parents, anyone in life for my situation but I can clearly see that this isn't true anymore. It's all on me and it always has been, making me feel like I've blew it.

I keep obsessing over why I shouldn't take action: It's pointless since I've messed up too much, I will never get what I want since I am just a freak. I don't what to feel like this, and I do question it which leads to even more obsession: What if I'm right and it's all true? For the first time in my life, I really want to be wrong.

[ajasatya]

@Fuse wanna know something i found out? the most enlightened people i've ever met have a REALLY DARK past. you think you've done horrible things? hah! welcome!

i started to notice this pattern when i shaved my head to live as a monk. the bald buddhas have the craziest stories.

wanna know something more? 99.999999% of the human beings have that evil self-sabotaging voice talking in their heads. they just aren't in touch with it, but it's there, corrupting every moment of their lives. your situation is not worse. it's actually better because you have the chance to do something about it, specially because you're so young. most people don't notice it and simply live up discontent lives for 70~80~90 years. you think they live well but if you get closer and ask them how they feel intimately, they will start talking about how trashy their lives are. experiment it yourself if you want and you'll see.

[jjer94]

@Fuse Do you not see the pattern here? And this is why I say to forget about trying to fix the emotional and spiritual aspects of depression right now. You won't listen to me or anyone else. Any "ooo-ra-ra" positive or "you can do it" advice will only perpetuate these stories in your head that keep you where you are. Words are futile at this point.

Don't even consider walking as "positive" or "taking action." Just walk. Acknowledge your self-hatred, self-criticism, and hopelessness, and just go move your legs anyway. Go outside, right now, and walk for thirty minutes or more. Listen to music, a podcast, or even your self-critical thoughts if you need to.

Just see what happens. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for me 

[Fuse]

@ajasatya Wow, that's actually really interesting but shocking as hell to me. When you say my situation is not worse, but better... How does being just young make it any better? Surely that tells me something along the lines of: Prepare yourself for some hardcore levels of misery in the near future just like these guys over here who are in their final days and hating every minute of it.

It is also interesting to me how I would assume most people are way more happier than me. I observe people all the time, and the overwhelming majority of them seem so much happier and peaceful than me. It makes me quite sad, actually. And very jealous. I do have a habit of looking at these people and thinking "Well, their situation can't possibly be as awful as mine. Look! They're happy!" Either I'm right or these people are very good at hiding levels of misery that I couldn't possibly hide.

[Fuse]

@jjer94 I went ahead and did what you suggested by getting up, getting dressed and going out for a walk. It was a strange experience, I just walked and listened to myself feeling angry, sad, hopeless, anxious, jealous and lonely. I felt almost ill doing this, very scared and didn't know what to expect. I looked at other people walking, felt jealous of them and how much better off than me they must be.

I looked around at the beautiful scenery, felt really sad but also kind of peaceful at the same time. My obsessive mind clocked in as usual, giving me thoughts about how I shouldn't enjoy this since there's no point now, or how I could have enjoyed this so much more before making stupid mistakes and being the way I am today.

Despite that stuff, I am glad I did it anyway.

[ajasatya]

27 minutes ago, Fuse said:

Either I'm right or these people are very good at hiding levels of misery that I couldn't possibly hide.

beware. human beings are very good at hiding suffering. and so are you!

you feel brave enough on this forum because you can hide behind an online avatar and nobody will ever know who you are. your mind goes like this: "i am so ashamed of behaving like a loser". such a deep misconception!

those who are willing to explore their misery and reach its root cause are actually the highest heroes on earth. money? power? pussy? pffff

go deeper and experience your pain. stop running away from it. expose yourself to it. open your heart. the image of jesus christ with a open heart is very symbolic.

do more of what @jjer94 said. go out again. experience your loneliness and transform it into blissful solitude. that's what eckhart tolle did. you think you're in a miserable situation but you're actually on the path to find divinity.

when you go out for a walk and notice yourself comparing yourself to others, remember that those statements are merely thoughts without any inherent truth in them. you could either say "the sky is red" or "they're happier than me". why'd you believe it? observe the thought and then come back to your breathing gently. walk with your breathing. make friends with it.

[Echoes]

@Fuse

This guy really helped me to deal with similar thoughts and suffering. His other videos are worth watching too if you like his style

[Nadosa]

I find it scary that so many people at my age suffer too. Hang in there. 

Edited October 20, 2017 by Nadosa

[Preetom]

@Fuse

I kind ya feel you man. I think that's the most dangerous side of addictions and self recurring negative thoughts.

Yeah Its extremely hard to turn things around when you've abused yourself with porn/food/fetish/bad habits for years/decades. It toxify you on every level imaginable. Any effort or new beginning you start crumbles into ashes in just 2-3 days. You are back at your neurosis again. Even more knee deep than before. It can be one of the miserable experiences. You see your whole life fading away into trash and you can't seem to do anything.

I sometimes think "God knows what sort of sick animal I've become". Really it makes us think if we can actually heal ourselves once again taking all the abuse we've done to ourselves into account.

You are going through a very challenging change. Many people of this forum are on it as well. I wish you all the best man. Really hope you find a way out and breakthrough forever from this rut.

[Fuse]

@Preetom I've been trying for a long time to break free from my addiction, but an equally comparable demon I have is my mind. Obsessing over anything at all (Mainly addiction related stuff) at ridiculously crazy levels. The combination of the two is very bad news.

I have to recover from this, otherwise there is no point in me living.  

[Preetom]

See these 2 short animated videos. Hope you gather some insights in to mind and addictions.

1)https://youtu.be/1Je0mu4GG-o

2) https://youtu.be/WwNRXLKoKqY

 

[Fuse]

@Echoes Very interesting video, thanks for showing me that. I see what he's talking about, realizing that the past doesn't exist and neither does the future. Not sure how this impacts hopelessness though, since that in itself exists in the present. 

[Fuse]

@ajasatya My mind is working like that, I am totally ashamed to be an addicted loser. I do agree that highest hero's are those who are willing to explore their misery, that's a nice way to put it. To tell the truth, I'm pretty scared to do more of what @jjer94 suggested. It made me feel very anxious, hopeless and terrified. Would doing this just be a way of me coming to terms with my suffering and accepting it forever? That alone makes me feel petrified. I couldn't stand feeling like the way I do right now for years in the future, unless doing this would simply be a way for me to 'numb' out my suffering until I don't feel it? 

[ajasatya]

58 minutes ago, Fuse said:

Would doing this just be a way of me coming to terms with my suffering and accepting it forever? That alone makes me feel petrified.

doing this would simply be a way for me to 'numb' out my suffering until I don't feel it?

no. solitary walks are means for you to get used to being in your own presence without creating suffering out of nowhere just because of thoughts.

solitary walks are means to get in touch with feelings that have been begging to be felt for years, decades. once you feel them very deeply with the power of awareness, they'll vanish and you'll grow.

enlightenment is the end of optional suffering. the suffering you're feeling right now is optional in the sense that it's created by the mind. it's not something imposed upon you like a painful disease. you're simply unable to deal with the mind apparatus right now.

by doing practices like this, you won't be numbing your suffering. you'll be studying what causes it. and as you study what causes it, you can train yourself to let go of what causes your suffering.

you've already noticed that you keep comparing yourself with others and because of that you suffer immensely. so, from now on, everytime you notice the voice comparing yourself with others, don't simply assume it's true. be mindful of it and return to ground zero, which is your breath.

practice coming back to ground zero until you perfect living on ground zero. no past, no future, no others. only breath.

[Fuse]

@ajasatya What exactly are those feelings which are begging for me to feel? Anger? Sadness? Loneliness? Regret? From what you're saying, it seems like enlightenment would be the only way out of this nightmare.

As for comparing myself to others, a lot of the time I feel myself looking at someone and being like: "Damn, I wish I was that guy, or this guy over here. Or anyone right now who isn't me!"

It feels as though overall I am completely ashamed to be me, hence my obsession with other people. I could assume that everyone is experiencing the same suffering as me, but that wouldn't really be true... At least not with the people I come across who seem to be have it all, the perfect life. A life I wish I had.

[Hafiz]

@fuse I want you to know that even though I am an internet stranger, I am sending you good wishes and that you may find some solace soon.  Try going for a walk everyday, start with the BARE minimum.

[ajasatya]

17 hours ago, Fuse said:

At least not with the people I come across who seem to be have it all, the perfect life. A life I wish I had.

you're fantasizing fairy tales. "nobody" has that perfect life that you imagine. even those who seem to have it all are craving for something they don't have. do the research by yourself. get close to someone and investigate his/her sufferings. ask them directly. unless he/she is enlightened, he/she'll be craving for something. and enlightened people are extremely rare. if you want to envy someone, envy enlightened beings and work towards becoming enlightened as well by dropping the entire game of cyclic cravings and attachments altogether.

Edited October 22, 2017 by ajasatya

[Preetom]

@ajasatya

hey brother, can you pray for us lost, confused fellas please? 

Your words always have a potent healing power. I genuinely feel that. Thanks for your contribution on this forum. Your posts are one of the reasons I try to be here regularly.

Please consider writing a book someday that will heal the world.

with love and gratitude,

Preetom