Letting The Light Of The Universe Shine Through Me

[phoenix666]

awareness can hurt

that's why people run away from it. that's I've been running away from it. in short: that's why distraction. I feel stuck again. I'm feeling lonely and confused again. I guess it's because I've really been working on my awareness lately. I somehow expected to magically become that loving, smiling and fearless spiritual master. always relaxed and ready to give wisdom to others. spiritual ego right there! 

I'm desperate for results, I'm inpatient and restless. I guess that's exactly why I feel stuck. 

I think the increased awareness also comes with some backlashes: I am much more aware of when my mood is down now. in the past I would have distracted myself immediately as soon as my mood changed towards the 'bad' side. all happened unconsciously. I would eat some food, text someone, read a juicy fanfic or engage in some romantic phantasy story. 

now I've dragged that pattern under the light of awareness. loneliness comes up? there you go, the urge to text someone. the urge to meet some friend. I stop myself in the track. sadness comes? uneasiness? anxiety? juicy phantasy here we go. 

fuck! 

I'm hunting the big fish of ego/self transcendence....whilst still having massive holes in lower parts of the pyramid. the foundation is unstable. where is love? I still feel a lack thereof. I dream about someone who falls in love with me. I am very attached to that media induced belief about romantic love and companionship.. it feels like ages passed since I last felt that intimacy with someone. my heart has been broken so many times. I feel like it's still shattered into pieces. I sometimes feel literally heartbroken. I'm dying for someone to pick it up, stitch it and to tell me 'I love you' 

shit, it's so desperate. I hate it. I hate myself when I'm so needy and desperate and whiny. but it's the truth. this is radical honesty. 

 

[phoenix666]

radical honesty II

I'm in for full blown honesty. at least with myself. I don't like this, in fact, I hate this: I am so desperate for progress. I meditate and drift of thinking 'when is this going to bring some fruits?' I do yoga and get frustrated because I can't feel any energy releases anymore. no cold or hot prana or anything exciting come up. I bored to death sometimes. watching my fucking breath until I get sick. uff. I want something to happen. sometimes I'm so desperate for something to show up, to assure me, to tell me 'you're on the right path'. something that motivates me, a little glimpse. just fucking something. it's so damn frustrating. 

the fruits may be subtle. so subtle I miss them? my awareness still not high enough to notice? 

I disgust myself when I'm this needy and desperate. so goal oriented and ego-driven. I force myself to do all this stuff, get insecure, my dad is planting seeds of doubt asking me 'why I waste all of that time with this stuff' 'I could be studying, doing some sports, helping my grandparents or him and my mother'

usually I am very sure of this path. but sometimes doubt is plaguing me. 

I would like to see or feel some sign. a sign that tells me don't worry, honey. you're on the right path. you're doing the best you can do every day. your decisions and priorities are wise. this will help you becoming a better person, reducing your suffering so that you can become a vessel of love and compassion for others. 

[phoenix666]

I can't believe it! I got a sign. it came in the form of the deepest meditation session I've had in a while. very calm and peaceful. some hints of dissolving. some pinch of forgetting my 'self' 

thank you

thank you

thank you <3 god, did I need that 

what got me there? breath. as simple as that

Edited May 10, 2018 by phoenix666

[phoenix666]

seems like whining, moaning and bitching helped

my last Kriya session brought a deep calmness to my mind. very enjoyable <3

but no, it wasn't the playing the victim part that helped. it wasn't the needy complaining part. I know what helped. it was the honesty! it was the becoming fully aware of my 'bad', desperate emotions. I became aware of them, labeled them, accepted them as part of my perceptions and expressed them by writing them down. wow

awareness alone is curative

[phoenix666]

Kriya gains

it's hard to net get too excited after the last session. it's hard to be detached from results. let's face it, I am. I can't wait for all of that stuff to happen.. I admire people on the forum here, I feel desire to be as aware as them. I feel a desire to 'achieve' all the benefits the author talks about in the Kriya book. I even dream about unlocking those formidable siddhis. 

I won't suppress all of that. that would just make it all the more unhealthy. I am aware of those desires and my goal oriented mindset. let's see if that awareness can cure it, can at least take some weight off it.

the last session was heaven. nothing too exciting or flashy.. but a calmness of mind. a peace of mind I've never felt before. there was just...nothing. everything seemed so wide, clear and far away - yet sharp. wonderful. I did two consecutive meditation sessions because I felt so good. those were heavenly as well. 

a feeling emerged: this is it. this all I want. just sit and be. I had no desire whatsoever to do anything else. just sit there and happy as never before. 

gotta prepare myself for some ego backlash right there..  

[phoenix666]

with the heightened awareness over the last days, my dreams have become sharper and more clear. they were filled with sex, violence (murder and blood), anxiety and uneasiness. wow, is my subconscious mind really that filled with - well - shit? 

ok, I may have been consuming a lot of horror/psychothriller stuff in my past. and a lot in my phantasies revolved around that and sex.. is it still there, all cramped up in my memory? 

no wonder I have to deal with so much darkness ans suffering again and again. 

something that I heard in my dream last night stuck with me. it doesn't even feel like I dreamed it, more like a memory... but no, it definitively was part of my dream (then again, reality? dream? where's the difference?) a study colleague of mine was talking about someone we both know (don't remember who) and she was speaking in a very judgmental, disapproving way. it made me shiver and I just starred feeling very uneasy. she talked about how that girl had lost all her friends, that she isolated herself from everyone and everything. how boring and lonely her life must be. that girl seemed pretty satisfied and calm to me, so I wasn't quite ok with her judgement. I told her that. (I also felt like she was talking about me as well, I started doubting some of my past decisions)  then she looked straight into my eyes and said "well, look at her. it's so sad, but it's all her fault. she doesn't have any friends."

huh, that's when I definitively felt like she was talking about me as well. it was like a punch in my face. 

but then a calm energy surrounded me. I relaxed and smiled. "I don't have any 'friends'. nor do I need them if the whole universe is my friend"

[phoenix666]

1 hour ago, now is forever said:

wow you are so beautiful in your thoughts - and true!

you have all that beautiful emotions in you - you understand now that you are loved!

go and pour it out to the world, no one is gona find you if you don't want to find them. 

you are a universe find another universe    to reflect yourself in their eyes, and do the same for them.

aww, thank you so much for your kind words. so sweet 

I will, but I don't want to force anything anymore. I won't run away, but I won't fight for it either. I've found some solace in solitude lately, I want to cultivate that.

I have this idea in my head of 'friendship' not being a thing anymore. friend - no friend - of there not being any difference anymore. of just the whole universe becoming my friend. it's still a vision. but sometimes I feel all my concepts and beliefs blurring. I think that's the way to becoming whole again and oneness

don't know if this makes sense 

Edited May 15, 2018 by phoenix666

[phoenix666]

1 hour ago, now is forever said:

yes makes totally sense - actually i felt the same. just sometimes it's nice to have someone close. skinship is different than friendship ?

oh shit. oh yes, it is. I feel you! I really miss that, I admit. I miss intimacy and skinship..

[phoenix666]

48 minutes ago, now is forever said:

cultivation comes first though ?

if that's what makes you whole and one

Yeah, I think I need to be whole and one first. otherwise I can see it coming, codependency (again)..  

[phoenix666]

I just had to grind through today's Kriya session. but I did. that's all that matters. isn't that when the biggest growth is supposed to happen? then I should have grown massively by now.

what came up:

• boredom: I just felt bored to death, I found myself thinking about all the exercises still left and just huff, I can#t stand this anymore
• massive resistance: my whole body tensed up. I got extreme adverse feelings towards the exercises
• nausea/sickness: my whole system reacted to my unwell. I felt waves of sickness, suddenly my whole body became very hot. (once I felt a cold breeze over my spine though)

is that my ego kicking back? 

I definitely felt the urge to do something else instead. maybe drink some tea, study a little for my exams or reading a juicy fanfic. yeah, definitely sounds like ego not going down with a fight..

[phoenix666]

I can relate to people more and more. from face to face, it's like I can feel into them. on the forum even more intensively, I can relate to some words so much, I get the feeling I wrote them. 

is that boundaries dissolving? is that merging-process slowly deepening?

[phoenix666]

the higher you fly, the deeper you fall

are my mood swings and emotions getting more intense? or is my awareness getting higher? 

I don't like this alertness when it comes to bad emotions, I have to admit..

quite a backlash I've to face right now. let's see how this evolves. I try to remain mindful of my emotions and distraction mechanisms. 

I want to accept those bad emotions and I want to encounter them with love. I'm not sure how to do that. but maybe the conscious intention to love those negative feelings to death already helps?

Edited May 22, 2018 by phoenix666

[Solace]

The more aware you get and loving, the more those bad emotions arise like a magnetic pull, you're doing so well Be kind to yourself too.

[phoenix666]

8 hours ago, Solace said:

The more aware you get and loving, the more those bad emotions arise like a magnetic pull, you're doing so well Be kind to yourself too.

you're too sweet, dear Solace :3 thanks for your encouraging words. 

I really try to get comfortable with those negative emotions. it's so hard because I've just come back from a retreat where I was really in the flow, I was so present and calm. everything felt light and delightful, everything amused me and made me smile like a fool. I could see through the meaningless of life and it made me smile! I honestly felt like life is a wonderful play, a game filled with love and opportunities.

it's hard because of the contrast, you know? I got kind of attached to that wonderful state. coming back and facing loneliness, emptiness, meaninglessness and that cold feeling gripping my heart then felt even more horrible..

but yeah, I'll try to keep in mind that all of this is a sign of growth. awareness is increasing and old suppressed emotions arise in order to be loved and integrated..

<3

[phoenix666]

I'm attached to feeling good and I hate bad emotions. maybe not exactly hate, but I fear them. I judge them. I have too much expectations: I expect to feel good because of all the work I do on myself. to be honest, I feel like I do so much more than most people I know (except on this forum), that I expect to feel better than them. then again, I don't really know how they feel when they're alone without anything to do (that's the challenge they avoid and I face) 

spiritual ego, caught!

but it feels good to be honest. the first step is always to become aware of one's patterns. 

Edited May 25, 2018 by phoenix666

[phoenix666]

I've been feeling weird the last couple of days. very unstable. then again, there was some kind of stability there as well: a lot of mood swings, but not that strong. milder than usual. fluctuations decreased in their amplitude, but increased in their frequency, so to speak.

today I went for a walk in the woods. it was very soothing. for a moment there, my retreat feeling came back: I couldn't stop smiling. the sun felt warm and empowering on my skin. the grass looked greener, leaves playing in the wind looked like the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. air smelled like freedom. life seemed a wonderful play. no meaning, no point. wonderful. I can create whatever meaning I want and attach it onto anything I want. I create my points! I create my life!

Kriya is fluctuating a lot as well: sometimes I get that peaceful, calm state of mind. then I feel those knots in my abdomen again. dissolving, liberating me, deepening my breath. sometimes it's just really dull. so boring, I get distracted by my usual juicy fantasies. or i start asking myself: WTF am I even doing here? what are my 'friends' doing? fucking around, making money, partying, having fun, socializing, playing games. I could do that as well.

meditation was weird today (as well  what's up?) I felt very confused. pieces of distant conversations came into play. I sometimes couldn't immediately discern between what was said by me and what was spoken by someone else.

[phoenix666]

finally I get what Leo meant in one of his older videos. I don't know which one it was, but he talked about sensitivity. about how important it is to be sensible and thus aware of things going on with and around you. specifically body sensitivity / awareness.

this has improved a lot for me recently. as soon as I have only one 'bad' meal...I notice. some time ago I would start to feel something off after maybe an entire day of 'bad' eating or even a couple of days. yesterday I went eating out with my parents - excellent vegan dinner- but wow did I feel heavy and tired afterwards. and it's not a first. I noticed it a lot lately. one heavy/fat meal is enough to make me more tired, lazy, less clear in my head / awareness. 

I feel best after eating fruits, veggies, nuts, seeds and maybe some rice and legumes. the lighter, the better. the fatter, heavier, the worse I feel afterwards. ok, seems very simple and obvious. yet, I didn't really have that awareness before. at least it has never seemed that clear.

I guess it's obvious and I apparently started with an extremely low body sensitivity. ( I probably had to, with the kind of unhealthy, horrible lifestyle I had..) I guess that numbness is a defense mechanism: you eventually numb down if you load your body with fat, toxins and stress. 

I am happy about this change. although - it seems to come with some downsides as well. I enjoyed the meal, but I felt especially grumpy afterwards. it was like 'I've never wanted some greens and fruits so much instead'. I can't do 'fun' stuff anymore....without feeling and suffering the consequences much more intensively than before..

[Gabriel Antonio]

27 minutes ago, phoenix666 said:

I can't do 'fun' stuff anymore....without feeling and suffering the consequences much more intensively than before..

I have also gone through this phase of hypersensitivity. Are guilting yourself when you are doing fun stuff?

Edited May 27, 2018 by Gabriel Antonio

[phoenix666]

On 27. Mai 2018 at 8:58 PM, Gabriel Antonio said:

I have also gone through this phase of hypersensitivity.

exactly, feels like hypersensitivity (or maybe it's actual, 'normal' sensitivity...and I've just underrated the contrast from the state of numbness I was in before) 

oh, I'm sorry to hear that. and how did you deal with it? how are you now?

On 27. Mai 2018 at 8:58 PM, Gabriel Antonio said:

Are guilting yourself when you are doing fun stuff?

hmm.. I wouldn't say guilting. it's more that it doesn't satisfy me anymore. it's like I can look through it: before I may have noticed that too, but at the end or even quite a bit afterwards. now I seem to notice whilst doing it. I don't know if I managed to explain myself correctly

thanks for your input <3

[phoenix666]

ok, I just went through a 24h hell. responsibility really fucks you up. you? well, me. this shows me, I'm not ready to take on responsibility for others (yet). 

now I am exaggerating. I can, I can go through anything. the question is, how? there was a lot of beating myself up and even more: hurt ego. that one is clearly still around, and quite big as well!

lesson learnt: I'll keep my nose out of other people's business. been burned twice now. that's enough. I won't force anything on people anymore. I'll just go my way, silently. if someone asks, I'll react and respond. I want to stay in silence otherwise.