Letting The Light Of The Universe Shine Through Me

[phoenix666]

I finally started Kriya practice. 4 days into it. patience in all things. I'm pretty content though. finally I give in to action. one year ago I wouldn't have done that. baby steps!

a part of me is very excited. everyone seems to be pretty enthusiastic. a part of me is afraid to be disappointed. a part of me is sceptic. but the biggest mistake would be to not even give it a try. I'll not do that mistake! Leo said something that I can't forget. imagine in one year. how will my life be? how would it be if I hadn't started Kriya yoga? that stuck with me. seems ridiculous now.. but: what would my life be like right now if I hadn't found Leo's videos? If I hadn't started meditation? If I hadn't taken any psychedelics? if hadn't been going to retreats? hell, that's powerful! Kriya all the way! curiosity will lead the way.

I'm reading Flow right now. I noticed flow during climbing today. also when I work on my DA. 

ps. got a tingling sensation on my last Kriya session. goose bumps all over my body.. 

[phoenix666]

got a sharp pain in my back during today's yoga session. I wonder if it has to do with the Kriya? it's a very different kind of pain than the lower back pain that plagues me sometimes. very sharp, like a knife cut through my spine and then the pain expanded along the muscles of my posterior thorax. it was so sudden and strong I had to stop and lie down. it's getting better now, but I still struggle with rotation and sudden movements. 

it was/is located right under the area where the heart chakra is located. it sounds silly but I can't stop wondering if it could have to do with my newly started Kriya practice? it never happened to me to feel a sudden pain like that. and I wasn't even moving/picking something up or doing sports or anything like that.

I was inspired to think about pain in a different manner. what if pain is a manifestation of something else? what if my mind, or better, my emotions were the cause for my pain? what if something in my consciousness manifested the pain in order to get my attention?

what does the pain make me feel? like I can't move. I'm blocked, paralyzed.

when was the last time I felt that way? or when do I usually feel that way? when I think about my studies. or more specifically, when I think about my dissertation.

how do I feel when I think about my dissertation? and my other duties of university? I feel suffocated. like time and obligation are taking my breath away. then I feel frozen, unable to do anything about that. 

what if the pain was here to tell me something? what would it tell me? to slow down. to relax. 

what if we forgot to listen to our bodies? what if we fail to communicate with ourselves? what if we forgot how to feel into our emotions? what if sickness were a call for attention of our emotional body? a call of our soul to be present with what we feel right now?

it's all about feeling. we're moved by emotion. e-motion. 

[phoenix666]

random insight I had during my breakfast today: to hurt someone is to hurt oneself. I don't know where that came from, it was like a flash, like someone turned a light on. I hope this will help me embody unconditional love and empathy.

right before breakfast I had a wonderful moment during the concentration phase of Kriya. I felt parts of me vanishing and melting with something bigger. it was beautiful <3

[phoenix666]

I tried shamanic breathing and gave up after 10 minutes. it was incredibly dull..just heavy and boring. I guess I still have a problem with boredom. I'm still easily bored, annoyed and struggle with discipline. but that's ok. I will pass through that. I need to soothe impatience with patience. what a beautiful paradox!

something happened during my third Kriya session today. I suddenly felt something in my belly. like a pressure. I could describe it as a condensed ball of energy. was that a chakra? it kept growing, becoming stronger, having more pull. I had trouble breathing, but I just went through it. then I felt like something coming up my spine. 

[phoenix666]

my dreams keep getting more weird. I experience depersonalization in them. or is it a shift in consciousness? There is no limit between 'me' and 'other' in them sometimes. I'm both me and the person I interact with, the two simply get mixed up.

every 'low conscious' (gee feels horrible to even think in that term' is here to help me, is here as a chance to choose the high-way. I chance to let love be my master. a possibility to connect with my higher self. I often feel as if my parents drag me down. then I feel guilty for even thinking that. maybe they are here exactly because of that. asking me to choose the path of love? 

[phoenix666]

everything is in flux, today specially. I expected an ego backlash after the breakthrough on AL-LAD. it came in form of frustration, tension and irritability.  not regarding spirituality or awareness, but regarding work. this dissertation bothers me. I did so much work for nothing. it made really annoyed. that in turn made me even more frustrated. 

kriya went very well, surprisingly. I felt deep calmness, a cold sensation surrounding the throat region and an intense blue light appeared when I focused on my front. 

how do I ground my awakening experience into daily life? --> my spiritual path. still a lot to work on!

I have a problem with my emotions. I've felt apathy for a long time. I've always been told to 'not be sad'. you have no reason to be sad. that's what they always told me. so I started doubting my own emotions, believing authority figures. if I have no reason to be sad, but I feel sadness, then something must be wrong with me. that's what I've always believed! that there is something wrong with me. they also told me to don't cry, distract yourself!

so I never learned to become aware of my emotions, to watch my emotional body. they just taught me to doubt my own feelings, to run away from pain distracting myself. hell, I even felt guilt and shame for feeling bad. a vicious cycle.

time to interrupt that. never feel guilty about your emotions. don't be ashamed for how you feel. your emotions are trying to tell you something. if they're here, they're here for a reason! acknowledge them. validate them. observe them. what are they trying to tell you?

stop running. sit down. and feel into your body. and if no answer appears, the question will disappear.

[phoenix666]

I'm already there. everyone is. what is preventing us from seeing it? our mind! thoughts! it suddenly became very clear whilst meditating. I was just observing, came close. then some thought came I'm close. I'm almost there. I want this. that's ego right there! it operates with neediness! I want enlightenment. that's absurd! there is no one to become enlightened! 

there is still a lot of I want, I need in me. that's clouding my awareness. 

they were right! quieting the mind is the way!

[phoenix666]

thinking is causing a lot of trouble. I always valued thinking and my mind as the highest manifestation of consciousness. I held it for sacred. for years, I lived in my head. lived through my head. lost touch with my emotional body. became insensitive to my own feelings and subtle bodily sensations. I want that back!

thoughts don't come from a place of love and compassion, they come from the ego. they cause a lot of worry, anxiety and stress. I can see that now. and it's ok, I can understand the underlying mechanism. it's not evil or bad. it actually wants to help me. it wants to prepare me for the worst (that's where anxiety and worry come in) in order to survive. it wants me to thrive, that's why it's pushing me to do stuff all the time, to pursue things like health, beauty, fitness, friends, love, success, money.. it's all well meant.

too bad it doesn't work. it's counterintuitive. 

I want to go back to my heart. I want my life, my actions and my words not come from my mind, but from my heart. I want love and compassion to be the source of my being..

[phoenix666]

I'm still running away from it. It's becoming clear to me. I'm highly distracted, my subconscious keeps dragging me away from that nothingness psychedelics forced me to face. it's ridiculous, I've faced that emptiness with AL-LAD, twice. and it was heavenly. it ended up being divine. what am I afraid of? 

I keep running, being busy, being distracted.. I'll use anything. books, the forum, eating, my phone, studying, socializing, sports.. it's all just running ways. I can't keep my focus on that nothingness inside me. my subconscious drags me away again and again.. 

[phoenix666]

paranoid

I think I slowly understand where my paranoia is coming from. before my first trip I'd never thought of myself as a paranoid person. and I'm probably not in a pathological way in daily life. but then again, psychedelics dig up shit from the subconscious. apparently I am!  now it makes sense. I've always had this fear of just being different, deep down I'm scared of being dysfunctional, or let's just face it: psychiatric.

that's why it has always fascinated me so much. a desperate attempt to understand myself? a perverse excitement I get from getting close to my fears?

why am I so afraid? I'm still hugely dependent on approval. I want to be validated by people. I want them to look up at me. I want them to think I'm smart and wise. 

where do those narcissistic tendencies come from? now I get it, it's a actual a deep lack of self worth! it's an attempt to get the validation and approval I don't get from myself .. from others! 

this narcissism I see in myself is nothing evil. it's a lack of self love. it's not looking for power (I can only talk for myself) it's begging to be loved! 

the key is self love. (whoop whoop, like that's an easy thing.) still trying to figure out how that stuff works.. 

and the paranoia? I think it's rooted into modern society's way of living. I feel so disconnected.. from everything. from nature, from other creatures, from other people. even disconnected from myself. so disconnected for a huge part of my life that all I felt for a long time was apathy. disconnected from my own emotions. numb and empty. the only way of feeling was strong negative emotions. that's why I continued to dig myself deeper and deeper into drama and downright dangerous situations. I did so many stupid things. in order to re-gain feelings. and I did. I felt shame, disgust, regret, self hatred. 

that stuff needs some healing!

I want to re-discover my connection. all is one. I've committed to this path. I don't follow it blindly, I've had some glimpses of how it feels to return to the source. I want to connect with people, with myself and with nature. 

meditation, connect me with being! yoga, connect me with my body and my energy! journaling, connect me with my mind! and finally, holy mushrooms, connect me with god, infinity, myself, with everything! 

 

[phoenix666]

awareness can be tough

oh, it is back. I felt so good the past days. suddenly I'm here alone, feeling sad (for no obvious reason).

how exactly do I feel right now? restless, aimless, sad, like everything is futile. like there is no reason to do anything. sad, confused. the prevalent emotion is lonely and empty. I could meditate all day, or binge watch a TV series. I recognize, this is a moment where I'm vulnerable. it's a point where I could fall into a huge ego backlash. some time ago I wouldn't have recognized this subtle mood swing. it is a mood swing, this morning I felt great, like I love to be alive, I went out smiling like a fool. enjoying the sun and the flowers. it crashed when I came home an hour ago. crash is the wrong word, it was more of a subtle shift. normally I'd distract myself from it. I felt the urge to binge-watch something, to eat, to write to a friend, even to study. I caved. I wrote to a friend, asked if we could have dinner together. that made me feel better immediately. 

I know I should be present with this loneliness, face it alone, meditate with it. but at least I've become aware of how I've used to deal with such negative emotions in my past (with a lot of distractions, without even noticing of having those negative feelings and acting out from them) I'm writing it down, it's a form of being aware. I already feel lighter. 

don't run away from your emotions. I'm learning how to re-connect with them. it's easy to do with the good ones. bad I guess the bad ones are the real teacher...

[phoenix666]

ok, somethings's off today. can't quite put my finger on it. I just became aware of how flimsy and unstable my mood is. it fluctuates like crazy. I tried to go into the bad emotions (fate helped me, my friend is already invited for dinner, so I'm gonna face this shit now. and btw I felt a flash of disappointment and jealousy.. I bet she's meeting up with that group of people I used to hang out with too. I've really lost touch with them. it's nice when I see them, but I don't want to hang out with them actively. I felt so lonely. then I asked myself: would you like to eat with them tonight? the answer was a clear NO. it felt genuine. that made me feel better again.) 

anyway, I noticed something I've seen before, but not as clear as today: when I observe one of those negative emotions, stay present with them, try to 'enter' them...they dissolve. they disappear. they're empty! 

is that what I need to do? purge through all those emotions I've ran away from? will they emerge with  the raising of my awareness, so that I can just be with them? 

1. become aware of the emotion, of how I feel
2. feel into it. what is it? how is it? how does it feel in my body?
3. validate it: it's ok to feel like this. this is exactly how you're supposed to feel in this moment. everything is perfect as it is. all is well
4. observe it, be with it (no judging, no trying to fix it/change it)

I guess a lot of healing has to occur. I've really neglected my emotional body in the past. I've covered it up with so much distraction. I've built this huge wall around myself, carefully selecting what to let enter and what to lock out. my shadow must be huge. but I see that this doesn't work. I keep clinging needly to good, exciting, safe and soothing things (you kill the butterfly if you grasp too hard) and those that I've locked out are a raging bunch of huns tearing at the wall. it will crack.

I'll prevent that. it's time to let that walls down..

[phoenix666]

quite a strange day - a journey through the infinite spectrum of emotions

I'm learning how to connect with my emotional body again. I've watched a lot of Teal Swan videos last summer and they gave some very precious insights about myself, my past and my defense mechanisms. my awareness has increased since those happy summer months. I feel like yoga has shaken something as well. emotions are connected to the body, so with increasing body awareness this seams quite logical.

I'm just not used to all of this feeling I guess. it really hit me today. how numbed down I was! and probably still am.

today I went from walking down the streets smiling like a lovesick fool and thinking 'I've got kissed by luck' to 'I must be the loneliest being on earth' (drama queen much), 'I just don't know what to do anymore. everything is fading. why are others so happy? why do I struggle so much? why can't I be like everyone else around me?'' (yeah, need to work on my victim mentality, I know)

morning was heaven, afternoon was hell. the contrast felt like dying. 

but it's ok, I went through the fire. without (too much) distraction (a little studying and lots of forum and journaling). I went through it alone. 

lesson learnt: do not run away from your feelings. they catch up, sooner or later. the further you run, the stronger their momentum will build. just stop. turn around. close your eyes. feel into your body and relax. breathe. watch your breath becoming slower and slower. observe.

don not run away from reality. it will fuck you in the ass (you know how that hurts)  better option: stop. turn around. face whatever reality throws at you. surrender to it, give yourself to reality

[phoenix666]

it won't go down without a fight

yesterday I had an ego backlash. it came out of nowhere. I was studying and usually if I get bored, at least I take a break with something 'productive' or 'spiritual' like meditation, contemplation, journaling, reading a SD book or even here on the forum. I thought gone are the days where I fall into the traps of internet. fail

ok let's face it. I'm a huge addict. in this case I don't mean the subtle addictions I have (like thinking or judging, which is getting better and better btw). I still have some pretty gross ones too: 

•  doing. mostly the urge to do 'something useful, practical or productive', like my parents would say. like studying, doing something for my studies or working out
• smartphone. oh yes. I try to keep it shutdown, on flight mode and to deactivate wifi. it works for the most part. it got better since I deleted almost all the apps and my FB account. but still, if I'm bored or feeling uneasy, I find myself taking my phones and activating internet. thinking 'let's see who wrote me.' if no one did (rather often) I get the urge to write someone. why? to escape loneliness. to escape reality. I realized that now.
• laptop. pretty much the same. if I get uneasy, bored, anxious I flee. I browse on the forum, watch some Leo/Teal Swan/Matt Kahn video. (at least I surround myself with SD/spiritual/growth content...at least, that's what I tell myself. am I deluding myself?)
• food and drinking (ok, I 'just' mean water and tea) but still.. again, I flee and distract myself with 'let's brew some tea' let's eat some fruit. 
• the worst: phantasies and fan fictions. ok, this one is embarrassing. looking back, I've pretty much lived 80% of my teenage years (and even now sometimes) so far away from reality. I mean, I still interacted with people, studied and stuff. but it was all secondary to my phantasies. everything seemed an interruption (sometimes a pleasant one, usually an annoying one) from the beautiful stories in my head. it's so powerful. I could read ffs all day. and worse, when I stop reading them, the stories just keep running in my mind. endlessly. I've been so many characters... this sound crazy, I know.

yesterday I had a FF relapse. with it, phantasies came. the usual sappy ones. but you know what? I couldn't even fucking enjoy them as I did my whole life before. why? because awareness kept creeping back. screaming WTF are you doing? at me. annoying.

I am grateful that my ground level of awareness seems to be so high now that it won't let me too deep into those mental stories. it won't let me run away too fast or too far away. that'S soothing. that's progress right there! but seriously, I need to work on my self talk. I felt shame and judgement. I want to be more compassionate and loving with myself. I don't want to fight ego, I want to love it to death..

it won't go down without a fight. well, I'll open my arms to it and give it all the love I have (it's not much yet. my heart still feels closed behind a wall of wounds. but healing will occur, I'm sure.. <3)

Edited April 26, 2018 by phoenix666

[zenjen]

On 4/7/2018 at 0:47 PM, phoenix666 said:

random insight I had during my breakfast today: to hurt someone is to hurt oneself. I don't know where that came from, it was like a flash, like someone turned a light on. I hope this will help me embody unconditional love and empathy.

right before breakfast I had a wonderful moment during the concentration phase of Kriya. I felt parts of me vanishing and melting with something bigger. it was beautiful <3

You’re on point, you already know what you are. Time to accept it. Let this be your guide. <3

 

[phoenix666]

5 hours ago, zenjen said:

You’re on point, you already know what you are. Time to accept it. Let this be your guide. <3

aww, thanks for your encouraging words my dear! <3 I feel like I've known, I've had glimpses, but it's not implemented into daily life...that's what I would like to achieve. to speak and to act from that source of love and compassion.. 

I like Teal Swan's videos a lot, specially those about emotions. have helped me massively. have been on one of her workshops? I've seen they are in Sydney, Melbourne, New York.. I can't afford that as an italian uni student

[phoenix666]

my deal with Menschenkenntnis (there is no english word for it)

it's interesting that there is not even an english term for something that has always been a big issue for me. I think that's another sign for me. that this 'big problem' I've always seen as critical to my bad experiences is nothing else than a concept. it's a story in my head. I made that belief up, and labelled my personality with it. talk about limiting belief

I've always thought to be pretty bad at reading people. I had trouble with 'seeing through' them. I couldn't see whether someone was lying, I just wasn't able to interpret their actions and words. I've been hurt, used and treated badly by people. friends around me always commented with 'I told you so' 'couldn't you see what he was up to?' 'didn't you see the signs?' 'didn't you see through his/her facade?' to be honest? no. I was never fucking able to do that! 

it always seemed so obvious to everyone else. and I was clueless. I just can't grasp other people's nature. if you ask me to describe a friend of mine, I struggle to do so. I can't reduce people into adjectives. when a label comes up, I become unsure because its opposite would be right as well.

I've always seen that as a deficit. as something which got me into trouble countless times. trusting in the wrong people and ending up cast away, exploited and just hurt. 

what if this wasn't a deficit? what if this was actually a special trait? people like talking to me. they say they never feel judged. they feel like they can say everything to me with no shame or guilt. that's exactly because I don't! I don't put them into frames, I don't label them. I don't reduce them to categories I've pre-organized in my mind. I listen to them, take in their words. I don't interpret it to form a picture of them in my head. I just listen and reply with whatever comes up in the moment. 

what if this was something good? maybe this makes me an empath? maybe this makes me a good listener? someone who's not judging? (I still judge sometimes, mostly myself. but it's getting less and less) I'd like to think all of that! downside? I'm prone to trusting the 'wrong' people and ending up hurt. but what if I'm ready for that? maybe that's why I'm strong enough to handle that? that would be awesome <3

[phoenix666]

what I've learned from spending time in nature today:

slow down. nothing good emerges from rushing. (Eile mit Weile ) let things unfold. good things take time. it also reminded me about an analogy I've heard from Sadhguru. the mango tree: does it always have sweet fruits? no, most of the time it's ornamented with quite bitter tasting leaves. no sign of sweetness. but the tree is slowly working towards those fruits. so the mangos are fruits of long term work, hidden underneath bitter leaves.

so have patience, keep working and the fruits will emerge with time. my patience has increased and I became a long term thinker. aren't those already fruits? 

the cycle of rebirth: sometimes things have to be burned down in order to blossom. a volcano's ash burns down everything in its way, but leaving earth extremely fertile afterwards. I have to burn down some things in my life: bad, destructive patterns I still hold. judgement, comparison/competitive thinking, being result oriented. I'm also becoming aware of my greed. I'm very greedy when it comes to food. (why?) I can be quite egoistic and self centered. I'm aware of those negative patterns, that's the first step. burning down sounds so radical and aggressive. I've learnt that's the wrong way to go. I want to try it the accepting way. love your sins to death. 

[phoenix666]

this morning my dad said something that made me think. he said he wonders about all the time I 'waste' with doing all of 'this stuff' (this stuff = yoga, meditation, the forum). he said one year ago it was like half an hour a day. it moved up to an hour. and now it's just out of control, he said.

my practices right now - if I'm not too busy with university:

• 30 min Kriya twice a day
• 30 min Hatha yoga
• 30 min formal meditation with labeling or being aware of my breath: minimum once a day. I try to perform it twice ore even three times a day
• mindfulness/awareness of breath throughout the day (by far the most challenging for me)
• catching up in the forum, reading through what resonates with me, journaling
• reading books (usually in the evening)

coupled with trying to eat healthy (involves a lot of cooking and shopping for fresh fruits and veggies) and squeezing in some sports (swimming once a week, a little bit of climbing, skiing, trekking..) and trying to spend time in nature - shit! it takes up most of the day. he is right. 

but is it wasting my time?

it's good to think about this. it's important to always question the status quo. I don't want to follow Leo - or any other teacher - blindly. something I may tend to do.. maybe? 

some insights I had. it's those kind that keep coming up and become more and more clearly with every passing week and month.

I'm most happy (the unconditional kind, the one with peace, calmness and just being satisfied) when I am mindful. when I am in the present and fully aware. when I notice small things that make me smile. when I am not stuck in worries, stress or worst of all - in the rat race. how did I get in such states of mind? through meditation, psychedelics, yoga, watching and listening to teachers and reading. the more I do those things, the more I manage to implement mindfulness into my daily life. correlation doesn't equal causation. but it seems quite clear to me in this case.

true, I don't do much other than all of this. true, I spend most of my time alone. true, I am seemingly losing interest in everything else. but this is exactly what Leo was speaking about in his video about unconditional happiness. he was right. most people don't want that. most people want conditional happiness! (and then wonder why they end up fucking desperate and empty).

my happiest days and moments: when my awareness was high. for example on my retreats: I felt at peace in connected. small things made me smile like a child. I didn't have anything special, just a shelter, food and meditating all day. I wasn't even allowed to speak. and hell did I have difficult moments. but it all resulted in happiness.

true, most people are afraid of unconditional happiness. I am, too. slowly I started to realize what it really means.. to let go of everything..

[phoenix666]

let's be honest. doubting my life purpose

I've been doubting it for a while now. I just didn't want to face it. my intuition revolts when I sit down to study for an exam. I'm not excited for the seminars and anything I have to do for university really. I'm not even looking forward to internships in 6th year and the specialization afterwards.. have I failed to follow my heart?

medicine became heartless, mechanical and de-humanized. patients are treated like clients or objects. there is so much deception going on behind the curtains of the modern medical system. everything revolves around money. 

the only thing which makes me happy at university is working at the anatomical institute. dissecting and teaching younger students. 

today I had to prepare for I special course I have to hold. That's when I fell in love again. this is what I want to do. maybe not for the rest of my life..but I want to try. surgery <3 

I have to keep that in mind. I have to keep in mind my goal of becoming a surgeon, that's what pushes me through all that BS at university .. 

VISION. having a vision is important.