Letting The Light Of The Universe Shine Through Me

[phoenix666]

something in my head opened up during my meditation sessions today. my head felt like it was expanding. it became very still and wide.

a little insight: I can't force this, it doesn't happen under pressure and expectation. it happens under circumstances of relaxation and letting go. as soon as you enter a state where you meditate for the sake of meditation. just for the sake of the thing itself. you don't get to decide. it opens when it's time to open. your job is to build up the awareness, in order that you become mindful enough to notice it as it happens.

[phoenix666]

oh, I almost forgot one of my biggest fears: the crippling fear of not knowing.

I want to be honest. my whole life I've been hearing people complimenting my intelligence. that was my single most important source of self acceptance and self image. I identified myself with it. even though I was bathing in self pity, victim mentality in self loathing, I always had this image of myself as a rather special, smart and very intelligent person. my curious nature led me to a lot of reading, which resulted in a not so bad equipped package of knowledge in a rather broad spectrum of different fields. how proud I was (still am, can't lie about that)

this was taken away from me. AL LAD made me face one of the biggest fears: losing my intelligence. losing my head. running around in circles, not knowing anything at all. literally not knowing anything anymore. not who I am. not what I am doing in life.

it wasn't pleasant, it wasn't solved with a nonchalant 'letting go' or an elegant 'surrender'. it was more a fight, a matter of life and death. it felt like dying (of course, now I get it: I identified with my knowledge and intelligence. as it was taken from me, I felt literally like dying) I was suffering and shaking of fear. not only in my mind, I felt the horror in my entire physical body. dying also felt physical.

I am not my knowledge. I am not even my intelligence. I still partly identify with it. but I've won some distance.

the real power is not in knowledge. it's in the ability of being completely at peace with not knowing. very scary. ego doesn't like it. not knowing is associated with people ignoring me, not caring about me and disapproval. 

where does this identification come from? I think from school, teachers and my parents (generally people) always admired my so called intelligence. I connected it with love, validation, attention and admiration and usefulness. It made me feel useful, needed, it filled my life with sense and purpose. of course my ego latched onto it.

I have to show myself that I am much more than my intelligence. that I am worthy and lovable independently from it. that's unconditional self love.

[phoenix666]

The aim of zazen is just sitting, that is, suspending all judgmental thinking and letting words, ideas, images and thoughts pass by without getting involved in them.

the simpler the task, the more difficult it is for the mind. the ego wants challenges and reward. 

[phoenix666]

I was quite caught up in my thoughts and phantasies today. not as mindful as I was in the last two weeks. I think it's a little ego-backlash. of course, I didn't expect anything else. it got really I nice kick in the ass on the last trip.

it was a small ego death experience. that's clear for me now. I struggle to remember exactly.. but I know that at some point I just knew that I was about to die. life was taken away from me and I was scared to death. literally. and then I surrendered. I just let life slip through my fingers.

of course my little ego is coming back full force now. fantasizing about romantic love and success. 

I have to remember: my ego is not my enemy. it's just afraid, I have to calm it gently, not to forcefully kill it.

[phoenix666]

distractions

they come as sweet temptations. the problem is: they are everywhere. and the wear deceiving masques. they seem important, high conscious, noble and sometimes (the trickiest of all) even fulfilling. they come as friendship, love, hard work, career, studying, art, passion. 

the key is not to abstain from all that. it is true that I am addicted to distractions. and that those distractions keep my mind busy, my ego alive and empowered. they keep me on the doing rather than on the being side of life. I know that there is nowhere to go, nothing to reach. it's already here, right in me, I am it. I've seen it, felt it. (my last AL- LAD breakthrough) but it's covered by layers and layers of distractions. I am not aware of it. I am caught up in distractions.

things I am addicted to:

• my phone (internet, messaging to people)
• books and reading in general
• stories (in books and in my head): mostly about romantic love, success and sometimes about sex. lately also about being a sage
• knowledge. this is huge. holy moly was I scared when I lost it
• logic and concepts
• thinking. of course huge. maybe the biggest.
• food and drinking (water)
• moving (SDS kills me every time)
• my computer: googling, reading up on things, researching, this forum
• other people: validation, appreciation, love and attention
• communication
• music
• yoga and meditation. even those are an addiction. I sometimes try to weasel myself out. I buy excuses and postpone it. but in the end I usually just do it. if I don't I feel like I've missed something.

the key is not to abstain from all that. it makes me human and  my life rich: passion, compassion, serving, socializing, creating, life purpose, relationships. the key is to become aware: I am not doing all of that just for doing it. I am actually looking for fulfillment. the key is getting that there is no happiness to be found in those things. true happiness is not found externally. true happiness is found within.

all this is just a bonus, an ornament. a celebration of life. 

in becoming aware of my addictions, they lose power. in becoming conscious of the fact that none of those things ultimately keep me satisfied, I slowly get to the true happiness: unconditional. 

[phoenix666]

I almost forgot one of my biggest additions. sneaky!

• speed (fortunately not the chemical) : doing things fast. being effective and productive. checking the time and not to 'waste' any of it. (what does that mean anyway?) I come from a family which values hard work, effectiveness and productivity. I grew up in an environment where doing was put over being. if not worse, the concept of being not even existing, not even being a thing. but it's ok. my grandparents and parents didn't know any better, they did their best, with all their good intentions and love <3 now I know being is not only a thing, but the thing.
• multitasking. this being another side of the same coin. effectiveness and productivity. giving my mind something to do and giving my ego a sense of value, a sense of purpose. and of course distraction. the more I do at the same time, the less I am focused on being aware of the present moment

my homework: deceleration. doing one thing at the time. focus. doing things slowly and in a mindful way. starting with the very little things: eating, preparing food, cleaning, putting my clothes on/off, walking, listening, just sitting/lying. yoga helps with this as well. practice being.

I find more and more: less is more

[phoenix666]

I still have such a strong desire for love.

what is love? I'm strongly shaped by my culture. movies, books, TV series have indoctrinated me. a part of me knows that the kind of love they propose, is just codependency. nonetheless, I still haven't transcended the need for something like that. someone who loves me, desires me, cares for me, listens to me, opens up to me, trusts me. someone to talk to, someone to cuddle with, to share my deepest secrets with. someone to get to know deeper and deeper. someone to become one with.

I really desire that. it's the one thing that distracts me the most from consciousness work.

why? why do I look for love? that is not the problem, the problem is that I look in the wrong place. no such thing found outside. I probably look for someone to love me because I the love I feel for myself is not enough. I don't hate myself anymore, I accept myself more and more and it's beautiful. I almost stopped criticizing and  judging other people as well in the process. the judgement is decreasing, acceptance is growing. but this newly developed love seems to not be strong enough. not yet.

I need to cultivate more self love. but there is time for that. I am sure it will happen at the right time. where I am at is exactly where I am supposed to be. with a little patience my love will grow. 

I want to see the love in everything and every action. in myself and in others.

I am thinking about trying MDMA. maybe that could help me with this issue. but I won't actively look for it. if it's meant to happen, it will. if I get the opportunity, I'll jump into it. 

[phoenix666]

distractions, distractions.. fantasies taking me away. giving my ego a sense of importance, purpose. giving it the feeling of being loved. 

that's what I want: love. 

I can only find it in myself. this is the moment where I need to turn inwards. again.

[phoenix666]

I did expect something like this to happen. I just expected another form of backlash. it is better than expected: no going back to harmful old habits, no gross addictions. but it's also worse than expected because it's more subtle. more sneaky. devil's at work! and he is deceptive.

this time ego came back full force. with socializing, work, studying. all things that are seemingly 'good'. no harm in hard work, right? no, nothing bad, it's completely ok. but distracting nonetheless. 

what am I craving? love, trust, friendship, intimacy, attention, success, admiration. nothing wrong with all of that. just becoming aware of all those mechanisms. sneaky

[phoenix666]

it really is a paradox. I've been working on enlightenment and inner stuff so much in the last months. caring less and less about university. just trying to become a better version of myself every day. more loving, more passionate. doing things with my heart, less with my mind. 

the paradox is, I've been quite successful lately. exams done, work done, projects rolling. wow, like in a flow.

today I got such a wonderful compliment. another student thanked me for being so passionate, helping and caring at work. it was beautiful! it's cause I love it, I've put my heart into it and she felt it! wonderful!
It doesn't even feel like it was me doing all of this. it just happened. it just flew through me. thank you, all of you who inspired me on this path <3

[phoenix666]

for some reason, this question struck with me: do you really want Truth? do you actually really  want it? 

something arose. yes. I want it. 

Do you realize the price which comes with truth?

no, I don't fully realize it yet. It's dying. literally. I know it conceptually, I even went through it on psychedelics. but it seems like a distant dream, a memory. I don't fully embody it in every moment. that's the reason I felt a physical reaction, a quite unpleasant one. something in me is afraid. something in me is scared to death. that's how I know it's true.

no, I don't fully realize what it means yet. but yes, I want it. hell yes, I want the Truth.

[phoenix666]

spending the last days with my parents has taught me a few things. it made me aware of quite a few patterns that dictate our life. I constantly seemed to criticize them, judging about what they do wrong in life. having seen Leo's video about criticism being untenable, I mostly recognized my own mistake there. and I started reflecting it back to myself.

everything I criticized in them...I found in myself as well. of course, I grew up with them. they imprinted their own self deceptions and patterns onto me! and I'm not blaming them. it's not that they did it un purpose or to hurt me. they did their best to grow their perfect little daughter. they want the best for me, I can see that. 

I want to stop criticizing them. I can see them suffer, they suffer enough. I can't liberate them, but I can liberate myself of those patterns and maybe then, when they see me grow and be happy, they will start to change themselves.

some of the behavioral patterns I detected:

• negative thinking, worrying about the future (mum)
• being fearful (mum)
• having a lot of stress: not being patient, everything must go fast and be effective (both)
• being angry, aggressive, snapping at others (dad)
• always being right (dad)
• being egoistic: putting my needs first (dad)
• not being good enough, lack of confidence (mum) 
• competitive thinking; that strong need to be the best at everything (dad)
• being materialistic, loving and admiring expensive things, impressing others with those (mum)
• being proud (dad)

how to change? the first step is done: becoming aware of it. shining the light of awareness on it will autocorrect those self-harming patterns.

Edited January 30, 2018 by phoenix666

[phoenix666]

let me face one of my biggest fears.

• being different (I also get a paradox feeling of proud out of this one, it's part of my narcissist personality)
• being labeled weird, crazy, strange
• being an outcast
• losing my mind

it's such a paradox. I've always wanted to be normal, to fit in, find a group, to belong somewhere. the strange thing is: I just didn't. or I did, but I've always fitted in everywhere and nowhere. everywhere a bit because of flexibility. but nowhere really. I've felt a sense of belonging to groups a bit outside of the norm. but in the end I didn't feel at home...not even in those groups. I suffered a lot from that.

but I also enjoyed it. the being special, being a special little snowflake. ok, I've opened a can of worms here. so let's go:

I am such a narcissist! holy shit! the whole story about how special, intelligent, smart, authentic I am. (false kind of authenticity) always that phantasy about being oh so different. so special. I've constructed this mysterious personality, this image of an interesting, highly complex woman. full of paradoxes and contradictions, so out of the norm.

how can this be? how can one of my greatest desires be one of my biggest fears at the same time?

[phoenix666]

everything is here to help me growing. I'm an eternal student. my teachers are as vast as my curiosity deep. I'm a sponge, I just go through life listening, reading, watching, observing. I'm at a point where I'm open to anything. I've understood that there is no absolute, no right and wrong. every thing is just a symbol, an approximation, a conceptualization of reality. everything is just a map, not the territory. it's a matter of perspective. 

I can learn something each day, each moment. from every situation, from every person even.

I'm not better than others, than people who don't meditate or do inner work. nor am I worse. I can learn something from anyone. I start to see the beauty in everyone, in diversity. what I used to criticize, I start to admire. those people, seemingly flowing through life so easily and superficial. my narcissistic vein used to label them 'shallow' or 'stupid'. what if that was just jealousy? Yes, I'm jealous because I'm not able to do what they seem to master. just go with flow, just live, not being obsessed about results and achievement. they seem to be ok with the status quo, ok with themselves. whilst I always have that need to change something, to achieve something. I have that drive for improvement. it's nothing bad either, but it's limiting my capacity to accept, love what is. it's preventing me from fully loving myself.

now the paradox: can I accept that I don't accept myself? can I love the part of myself which constantly strives for improving myself? 

[phoenix666]

you think you are enlightened? go live with your parents for a week.

there is very few which can upset me nowadays (I used to be a walking fury, like my dad). but there is something which can still get me lighted like a firecracker. my parents. fuming.

why? 

why are the people I love most the ones I can feel the most hate for? why do they still have so much power over me? I feel like an eternal child sometimes. 

it's like I feel how they feel: I feel my mum's worry, negative thinking, victim mentality, nervousness and anxiety when she enters the room. I feel my dad's anger and impatience.

I'm judging right now, I am aware of that. and it stings, because every single thing I listed, still exists within me as well. it's hidden and subtle, but my parents seem to be able to dig it out. 

well, nothing to do. watch it. 

[jjer94]

@phoenix666 We must be long-lost siblings!  

Parents are your greatest teachers. They are quick to forgive, which allows you to observe your emotional reactions more easily. 

[phoenix666]

guess who's back

wow, after almost two months  I actually only wanted to take a short break, like 2-3 weeks. but tempos fugit, as it turns out. it's not that I fell off the path, hell no, I actually worked quite hard on myself. and I don't mean the masculine, I-need-to-change-myself -with-a-hammer approach. not that that's a negative one. it can work quite well, like it did for me. at the beginning.

I finally learned to appreciate the more feminine approach. the one which doesn't give me big shiny prizes for all the work. the one that operates in my inner world. the one that no one notices...or at least very rarely. 

I made some progress with meditation and yoga. I'm starting to feel a difference in my awareness: both my body awareness and, very subtle, the awareness of my mood. I realized: I'm very susceptible to mood-fluctuations. As soon as I get particularly down (also when I get high, but less) I immediately look for a reason. I latch onto it and then escalation happens: thought after thought, worry, anxiety. shame is also something I feel quite often, when I think about my past. a vicious cycle, because then my mood gets even worse, resulting in even darker thoughts.

what I'm learning to do: when bad mood comes up: noticing it. no judging, no jumping at reasons. that's just BS-intellectualization and our cute little try to implement rational thinking on existence. hahahah as if that would ever work 

my dreams are getting very clear and strange since I started writing my dream journal again. it also feels that feel more conscious in my dreams..not exactly like in lucid dreams.. but I find myself questioning things more often in them. I repeatedly dreamed about animals and about being able to communicate with them. in one dream specifically I thought 'I'm so happy to be vegan'. I noticed that shame is a recurring theme in my dreams. I wonder what that means?

well I came back because I missed writing down my lessons, thoughts, progress, plans and everything that dances around in my monkey mind. writing down feels like letting go, wonderful <3

[phoenix666]

On 02. Februar 2018 at 3:51 AM, jjer94 said:

@phoenix666 We must be long-lost siblings!  

Parents are your greatest teachers. They are quick to forgive, which allows you to observe your emotional reactions more easily. 

oh my god, I can't believe this. I came back today from a almost two months long break from the forum. I always wanted to come back, I just wanted to wait for april. guess why I gave in today? I had a massive blow-up with my mum today. then I see your comment right when I log in for the first time in what feels like a little eternity 

everything is fine now, but I really threw some ugly things on her. I didn't think I could say such horrible things. (I apologized as soon as I got it together again) it went quite well the last couple of weeks. today I had what felt like a big breakthrough during my meditation, i felt very stable and calm. hahaha yes. and then my mum came home. stressed and anxious, her nervousness electrifying my nerves the second she entered the same room. it was as if I was able to feel her emotions. a couple of stingy words from her mouth were enough to make me explode with rage. well, spiritual breakthrough my ass

you're right, she is quick to forgive.. I don't want to use her that way, it just sort of happens. my parents don't only show me my mistakes, they make me feel them. 

I guess they have so much power over our emotional body because our main patterns and characteristics, even most of our web of beliefs stems from them. so by hurting them we hurt ourselves. and we sense that because of the closeness..

I wish you much love with your family <3 

Edited March 28, 2018 by phoenix666

[phoenix666]

what I want I don't really know yet.

how I want it, that I know.

then I learned that the what isn't that important. it's the how. how do I experience things? how do I perceive things? it's all a matter of awareness, that's clear to me. that's what I have to work on.

I still have some external goals.. and I feel that the reasons are getting less egoic. (am I fooling myself? probably. sneaky) I feel like I'm acting more and more out of love. maybe I am really fooling myself. but I hope that one day I will act purely out of love.

I want to be a healer. not just a doctor, or surgeon. I would like to approach people's health more holistically. it will be a rough path. but I'm motivated.

I recently discovered a new passion. I found out that I love plants. plants are magical! so much healing powers in our small friends! nature is magic!

[phoenix666]

shame 

I noticed that my dreams seem to follow a pattern. they're full of negative emotions that I rarely feel when I'm awake these days. mostly emotions I've struggled with in my past. some emerging patterns in my dreams:

• shame (the most common one)
• being lost, losing my orientation and my mind, not being able to 'function' 
• left alone, more general being left by people I love
• being ridiculed by people I love
• being lonely
• fear, just general anxiety. sometimes I don't even know what I am afraid of. or things that just seem ridiculous afterwards

why do these emotions keep coming up in my dreams? they remind me of my past. they caused a lot of suffering for a long time.. only now I realize how much better I feel now, almost 3 years into my self help/development journey. thank you so much! I feel grateful for that day when I hit rock bottom. <3

but why do I keep dreaming that negative stuff? is there something unresolved in my past? there is always something, I guess..

shame. why? is there some aspect of myself I do not accept yet? there are probably more than just one. I need to be aware of my standards. (my? or where do they come from? are they actually mine? I don't think so) my standards: 

• being good (what the heck does that even mean?) I guess being a good girl
• being smart, intelligent
• to know a lot, being intellectual
• to be beautiful (skinny)
• to be fit
• being healthy 
• being straight (oh yeah, I think I haven't solved that one yet..) 
• being normal in general. now this one is huge. being appropriate. what does that mean?

being intelligent and intellectual comes from me I think. my dad influenced me a lot on that though. he always wanted me to be the best in school. he rewarded every good grade. I could do anything I wanted as long as I was the best. that fed my ego... a lot. I still like knowing things. I get anxious when I don't know things.

being beautiful and specially being skinny: my mam.. she puts a lot of value onto what she would call 'beauty' (being skinny and chic, wearing nice clothes) it's so external. I'm actually quite happy with my body now. it happens more and more that I see myself in the mirror and just get a nice warm feeling. I feel love and compassion for my 'little me'. insecurities come up when my mum says that I am fat..and she does. she criticizes my belly and my  thighs. I get very self conscious after that, every time.

being normal, appropriate and a good little girl. I think I got this values from my religious grandma and my mum. 

I don't blame anyone here. I know they just wanted the best for me. I know that they themselves suffer under those implements. they themselves are trapped. I now get the chance to escape, because I finally found out to be in a mental prison of standards and expectations! this is my chance to break free: 

1. first I must see that I am in a prison: I do. I feel ashamed because I don't fulfill my conscious und subconscious standards
2. what are my standards? more importantly: what are all my subconscious standards?
3. don't judge. I don't need to change. I just need to become aware of my own mental patterns.

<3