Letting The Light Of The Universe Shine Through Me

[phoenix666]

I just have to update. 

I didn't run away. I faced it. even jumped right into the arms of my 'bad' emotions. tried to sense: what does it actually feel like? like what is it, actually? (what is bad anyway?) 

1. insight: bad. that's our huge problem. society demonizes bad emotions. we're told 'not to feel bad' 'oh, don't be sad' and the worst 'distract yourself' hell no! shit! we've got this all wrong! I don't blame anyone, the intentions are good, I can see that. it's all about wanting to help. but it's all backwards. emotions don't disappear when we demonize and fear them. they won't disappear when we run away fro them. or worse, repress and deny them. resist them and they persist. all backwards. it's counterintuitive. (ironically, it now just got intuitive for me, hahahah opposites really are one and the same, I see it more and more) face it. all of it. whatever comes, take it all in. whatever arises, embrace it. love it to death.

2. insight: it unravels right under your eyes. it dissolves into thin air. it's all flux, this too shall pass. everything comes and goes. welcome it with your inhale, say farewell with your exhale. it all changes. what I see, feel, hear, sense, smell, taste. no moment is the same and therefor just here to be loved, enjoyed. 

was it the writing down? the reading trip reports and inspiring concepts on the forum? the facing my 'bad' emotions? the exploring the depths of my loneliness? I guess all of it. 

whatever arises, live it fully.

[phoenix666]

huh, I don't know anything anymore.

I feel confused. I'm not even sure how I feel at the moment. as soon as a pinpoint it down to an emotion, it dissolves. something is missing. 

yesterday I watched people drinking and dancing and a deep sadness overcame. I felt the suffering of everyone. I think they don't even know that they suffer. they think they just wanna have fun, but they're really running away from their suffering. but is this really true? or am I just projecting myself onto others? maybe they do it for fun. maybe they are happy.

I'm so unsure all of a sudden. how can I not even know how I feel at the moment? 

sad, lonely, disconnected. it disappeared and it came again. waves of melancholy continue overcoming me. why? 

it's all here to help me grow. suffering is what brought me here. suffering is what kept bringing me back on the path.

maybe there will be suffering for as long as I think that suffering is necessary for me to seek the Truth? 

oh shit, I feel like I am slowly losing myself. I'm a bit afraid. 

I'm afraid of losing myself. this sentence. the shrooms told me this, repeatedly. is this what's supposed to happen? am I supposed to lose myself? what does that even mean? is there even someone to lose in the first place? who? what is there to lose? I don't know.

I'm crying right now. it's not that bad. It's neither good nor bad, it just is. isn't that with every emotion? no inherent meaning to it. we attach all sorts of things, labels to it; good, bad. no such thing as categorization exists in nature. it all just is.

my mind is so deep into conceptualizing. I've just adopted everything culture served me. I slowly start to see the incongruence between my mental concepts and reality. I can't even look at an object without projecting my thoughts onto it. I can't even observe a person without projecting my beliefs onto them. 

I already feel better now after writing. huh, is this normal? to change emotions so quickly? I feel unstable. not even that. somewhere deep inside me there is a trust that everything is here to help me expand my consciousness. 

[phoenix666]

I went for a walk in nature and tried to stay aware of my breath. I can only say: training. training. training. patience, patience, patience. not a problem, I can be a long term thinker. I can be anything! 

I had a few little moments:

a dog passed by, a smile crept on my face and I felt waves of adoration towards that little creature.

people passed by, I gave them warm smiles. (they came intuitively)

a woman was actually screaming into her phone, in the middle of an argument. she looked quite a bit... I felt so honest compassion. I blessed her with 'may you be calm, may you find your happiness' in my head.

suddenly the autumn colors of the few remaining leaves seemed more intense, I looked up and actually had to stop to admire the sky. that deep blue took my breath away. so intense! with the contrast of the leaves. <3 wonderful!

 

my life is becoming simpler. I do less and less. I do things slower. A year ago I would have considered a life like this as quite boring. I actually think it's satisfying. calm and slow. I still get rushed moments, but they become less frequent.

[phoenix666]

I still feel like I have free will as I go through the day. but when I get more conscious, I can see through the illusion. at least little glimpses. I truly am a machine. 

I'm cool with it. 

If I don't have free will: I will consider it right now: it would have scared me shitless some months ago. now there is something that I didn't have before: trust? faith? 

I feel a lot of sadness, loneliness and emptiness lately. but I start getting comfortable in it. I started seeing the 'good' in everything. 'good' is such a 'bad' word (hahah) let's say I started recognizing the divine in everything <3

if I don't have free will, then something bigger must be at work. something divine must work through me and everyone else. so whatever I do, whatever people do, it's ok. things will work out. have you noticed? they always do, somehow. like magic. whatever I do, whatever people do: it's the divine acting out, interacting with itself. it shows me the way into growth. I just need to see it. am I aware of the divine? 

[phoenix666]

my attitude has changed completely. now I see where my misanthropic mindset I've been holding for years came from. I  was rooted in self-hatred. I'm not shaming myself for that anymore. I can see where all that hate and mistrust come from. I forgive myself for all the self-loathing and hate I projected onto humanity. my innocence was hurt, I had (sometimes still have) an issue with lack of self worth. it's time to heal.

when I stopped hating myself, I stopped being a misanthrope. when I started accepting myself, it was suddenly easier to understand people and their 'bad! actions'. 

I'm not yet at a point where I completely embrace and love myself unconditionally. I've had a glimpse of that unconditional love during my AL-LAD trip. it was heavenly. it was so powerful. I want to get there, I want to embrace myself fully and I want to feel unconditional love for humanity.

it's not that I am naive. I simply stopped seeing people as 'evil'. I'm less and less judgmental, probably because I'm in the process of accepting myself with no judgment. I can see that my past 'bad' actions came out of deep suffering. I was desperately trying to fill a hole I felt in me. I was desperately trying to be happy in a world where I didn't even find myself worthy of living in. 

I think that people's 'evil' actions come from a similar place of suffering. 

as I forgive myself, I forgive others. 

oh, and wow. it's awesome: it really is an inner game. I slowly start to get the thing with turning inwards and Let him that would move the world first move himself. what I resolve in me, changes the way I see people and the way I interact with them. <3

[phoenix666]

who would I be without my story?

I don't know. i honestly don't know. I want to become a vessel of love, compassion and service. If I picture myself that way, will I become it?

[phoenix666]

how do I become more aware?

I want to practice being aware

• of my body
• of my thoughts
• of my emotions 

how do I feel in my body? as soon as I become conscious of my body I notice tension. relaxation comes through awareness. tension is passive unconscious autopilot, relaxation is becoming aware and slowing down. slow down, observe your every move. move with gentleness <3

what about my thoughts? they've definitively become more positive over the last months: no fear, no victim mentality, no self-pity, no dwelling in old stories, no hate, no anger (or at least, much less). they are still very much in fantasy land though... fantasies about love, romanticism, sometimes a bit about success and career. me being a sage, me being wise, loving and caring. (oh yeah, the ego just loves that) why those cheesy fantasies about fictional relationships? did movies, series and books mess me up? why do I crave romantic love and intimacy so much? a part of me thinks that will satisfy my needs. thinks it will fill the hole in me, make the loneliness and emptiness go away. a part in me is doubting that. I don't know.

how do I feel? huh, this one is huge. sometimes I don't even know how I feel. that's how unaware I am. half of the time I don't even know how I feel. here, there I go, there I said it. I don't know how I feel. does it really take those huge, sharp attacks of sadness, angst, loneliness, anger or any other kind of intense emotion to wake me up? to make aware of how I feel?

I want to be aware of calmness, stillness, serenity. I know it's all there. I just have to become aware of it. I want to raise my level of awareness. I'll keep up my practice. 

[phoenix666]

meditation=observation, more specifically: self-observation. being aware of my body, my thoughts, my emotions, generally of what I feel.

it's as simple as that. I can see why the ego doesn't like that. it's so simple. a rational mind can't accept that something as simple could lead to THE Truth. Truth is so huge, its path must be complex, rough, challenging. the ego loves challenges. the more difficult, the better. it's going to be torturously simple, nothing to do, nothing to accomplish, nothing to figure out. how fucking boring!

ok, I'll just be honest about stuff: how boring. this simple idea of observing....not actually doing anything... it's such a torture. compared to the juicy stories my fantasy makes up. I get it, I get why this is so hard. 

it being so simple is the exact reason why it is so hard. 

what about this boredom? where does this come from? how does it actually feel? usually I feel it arising, then awareness packs it's bags and my mind runs off into fantasy land. right into some juicy romance/hero/success story. 

I'll have to dwell in this boredom. observe it. let's see if I find the patience to do so.

[phoenix666]

are you aware? or are you going through life on autopilot? 

the next step is to expand mindfulness 24/7. AL-LAD showed me how to observe my body and my breath. I'll just have to be patient and train my awareness muscle. 

as you go through your life, try to sense: how does my body feel? where is my mind? what emotions do arise? ask yourself again and again. until it becomes natural to remain aware.

[phoenix666]

how many of my choices come from a place of love and compassion? 

Most of my choices run on autopilot. that has become quite clear to me over the past weeks. so they come from my thought patterns, ingrained in my subconscious mind. I already shifted my unconscious from depression, anger, victimhood towards acceptance and compassion.

I want all my actions, words and thoughts to arise out of love. how do I ingrain that into my subconscious mind? 

self love. the psychedelics showed me how, right after I admitted that I don't know how. it's this inner child I feel love for. it's this little girl, naive and innocent, curious to explore the world. I will try to keep that image in mind and let the emotions run through me (that's when I really feel love and compassion)

I also want to face whatever arises. I know I'm repeating myself.. but it's crucial. and I keep forgetting. I keep running away from things.. it's so sneaky, it's ingenious!

what do I run away from? boredom. loneliness. emptiness. sometimes sadness. face it. look it right into the eyes. let the emotion devour you.

[phoenix666]

why is all the loneliness creeping up again? what is it, actually?

it's cold, a feeling of distance and of being alienated from others. disconnection, separateness, isolation.

it's strange, because people around me seem happy. or at least quite ok with their mainstream lives. they study, play video games, watch TV, interact on social media, eat bad food, gossip, get drunk at parties.

I lived like that too, it destroyed me. it became so bad, I had finally had to change something in my life. 

sometimes I think: why can't I be satisfied with that 'normal' life? why can't I be ok with living like the average westerner? then again, what is normal? why have suicide/depression rates never been so high? 

this isn't leading anywhere good, I've experienced it myself. I have to keep reminding myself of it.

but then, why do I feel lonely, empty, sad and pissed of again? 

[phoenix666]

back to your breath, back to your roots, back to your base. again, again, again. 

slow your breath and relax into your body. it's not that hard after all. 

don't beat yourself up when you catch yourself being unaware. celebrate that you noticed it! when you're unaware, you're unaware that you're unaware, per definitionem. compliment yourself, you came back to being mindful, you came back home <3

be gentle with yourself.

[phoenix666]

what do I actually want?

I sometimes seem to forget. I get lost in things that are supposed to bring me where I want to be. where is that?

I want to be happy.

I've always wanted to be happy. I just never knew how. and for a long time I didn't even realize that's what I actually wanted. I've been trying and trying and trying. I've always been looking for something. that thing being happiness and fulfillment. 

every time I thought I got it, it vanished. every high was just the beginning of an even deeper low. took me quite some time to realize that I was trapped in a hamster wheel. a vicious cycle of consumerism, self loathing, victim mentality, drama and pleasure. with the best intentions, it took me deeper into hell. I was suffering.

I don't judge myself for it, I feel deep compassion. I just didn't know better. 

but I think now I do. I want to be happy. in order to find what makes me happy, I first had to realize what doesn't. that I have.

next: what makes me happy?

helping. loving. caring. compassion. truth. passion. art. connecting to people. listening. awareness. mindfulness. relaxation. curiosity.

 

[phoenix666]

I feel quite ok now. but yet, the flow I felt this summer disappeared. autumn has been quite rocky, with a lot of 'negative' emotions. lots of loneliness and emptiness. lots of unfulfilled desires. what do I actually desire?

I want love, I want happiness. I want to feel joyful and at peace. I want to really feel grateful. I want to be calm and loving. I want to be needed and loved.. I want to connect..with people, nature and myself.

but I also had some great moments: the magic of helping others <3 the joy when people thanked me <3 the taste of unconditional love I've felt on AL-LAD <3

what changed since summer? I already know it! I became lazy. meditated less, let stress overcome me. stopped taking things slow.. tried to do 'normal' things again, tried to live like my friends do. it didn't work, now I know. lesson learnt. I hope.

back to basics. 

slow down. breathe deeply. relax. practice yoga. cultivate awareness and patience. meditate. contemplate. write your journal. 

 

[phoenix666]

what do you really want?

Leo was right. I spent half of my life chasing things I thought I wanted. only to discover that those things didn't do it for me. they didn't make me happy. didn't satisfy me. in fact, left a lingering aftertaste..of emptiness.

I actually want to be happy. unconditionally. I want to be satisfied. unconditionally. I'm not sure I'm 100% clear what that actually means. 

I want to be the kind of person that people look up to. not because of what I reached or did, but for the way I am. I would seriously like to become a sage. I'm not sure what that means either. but I have some ideas in my mind: that's what I imagine myself to become along the way: 

loving and caring. unconditionally, loving and kind to everyone. everyone is worth my love and compassion. wise (there is a difference between knowledge and wisdom): I would like to give good advice to people who ask me for help. calm: I would like to be so calm and peaceful, that people calm down themselves in my presence, so that I can make them feel better. I would like to be a good listener. 

I don't really know how to embody that image. fake it until you make it? acceptance of my current way of being? self love? for now: the vision is more important than the how to.

[phoenix666]

what if: thought is a sense

if thought was a sense, why would I be so dumb identifying with it? I can see things and I don't identify with them after all. I hear, touch, smell and taste things and I don't identify with any of them either. 

yet it is so difficult to draw the strict distinction between 'me' and 'thoughts'. I get sucked into them again and again. they generate fantasies and seduce me until I get immersed and completely lost in them. 

using some simple logic: I can perceive my thoughts. I can watch them. how can I be my thoughts, if I can watch them? so I cannot be my thoughts. who am I then? am I the one watching them? am I the one perceiving them? am I the observer?

[phoenix666]

stimulation = distraction

we're constantly bombarded, and it's getting more and more in modern society. everything is fast paced and instant. no more stillness, no more patience, no more silence. 

it's counterintuitive, but I think that happiness lies in the opposite direction. not in all the pleasure society makes desirable. that's short sighted. no conspiracy there, just people trying to be happy. (and not knowing how) I've been there myself. still am, sometimes.

but I start to know better, I start to become wiser. 

how I want to start the new year:

• meditation
• yoga
• contemplation and self inquiry
• minimalism
• simple life
• nature
• dwelling in silence, peace, stillness and calmness
• breath
• present moment
• food: the simpler, the better 
• green tea <3
• books

it's not about perfection. it's about trying, giving my best and progress. it's not about being better than others (I almost stopped comparing altogether, I'm so happy about that). it's about creating a better version of myself day by day. 

[phoenix666]

I  feel like I am slowly slowly accepting myself. that's true growth: inner change! nothing needs to be changed on the outside. nothing needs to be forced and fought for. and Leo was right. it's not shiny, it's not something people will immediately notice and compliment for. it's subtle and slow, so very slow. and so subtle, only few will notice. 

but it feels good. it's freeing. 

changing the circumstances is glorious, loud and proud. 

inner work is silent. also it's not for others, it's for me. I'll be honest: it's hard. the mind resists it. I know why: it's not about doing (the mind wants to do). it's about being: it's boring. let's be honest. but sometimes, sometimes it becomes so calm and peaceful that I feel the love. sometimes it's sweet like fresh fruits in summer <3

[phoenix666]

too much too fast. it's what I wanted and it's wonderful. I love the challenge, I bit the bullet.

time for grounding. I need to clean up my life, it's that simple. 

it's easy: when It's time to eat, eat. when it's time to meditate, meditate. when it's time to learn, learn. one thing at the time.

be kind. (to yourself or to others) for once I can really say, it doesn't matter. it's one and the same <3

[phoenix666]

I ended up facing some of my biggest fears, which I didn't even know I had.

fear of

• other people's judgement and disapproval
• being different, the odd one, the black sheep and general of being weird (something I sometimes even get a hint of satisfaction and proudness out of)
• losing my mind, becoming completely crazy (whatever that means) and having a psychotic breakdown
• losing myself (I continuously heard that sentence, it made me shiver) not sure what that means either. isn't it what I want as well?
• doing something wrong, living life the wrong way and missing something
• dying 

they're mostly inter-wired. there probably is no way around them if I really want to stay on this path. one day I will be ready to face them, I know it will be worth it. I already did a great job, I surrendered to all of it. there was massive resistance, suffering and tearing apart at first. but in the end I surrendered. 

I'm curious whether this little breakthrough will show in daily life. I'll try to stay mindful. 

today I still felt different: I did things more slowly. I tried doing one thing at the time and I didn't get lost in thought stories that much. integrating is the most important part! does change your daily life? does it change the way you (re)act? does it make you more loving and compassionate towards others?