Letting The Light Of The Universe Shine Through Me

[phoenix666]

this feels like a new beginning. a new stage (there will be many others around each corner)

it feels like I've spent the last two years of my journey fighting, trying my best to become a better version of myself. I passed from being a victim to being the fighter. the camel took on responsibility and morphed into a lion (Nietzsche)

now it feels like it's time for a change. I am tired of fighting, tired of trying. 

there is a silent voice, a deep trust that everything will fall into place. I'll just surrender and go with the flow. 

the lion has brought me here. but the lion has its limits. the lion thinks it can do everything on its own. it's strong, proud and goal oriented. the lion does things on its own, it also thinks to know everything. the lion doesn't accept and love what is, it bites its way through

but let's be honest. there are so many things I don't know. I don't know how to love myself unconditionally. I don't know how to raise my awareness. I don't know how to become fully conscious. how to live in the present moment. how to realize my highest potential. how to help other people. how to be loving, calm, peaceful. how to stop thinking. how to stop looking for validation and love from other people.

I call into the light of the universe to shine through me and to do all those things on my behalf. to do everything through me, to take every action, to speak every word. to love my heart unconditionally and to manifest my highest potential for the wellbeing of all souls.

I am done fighting, I thank the lion in me to have taken me out of victimhood. but now it's time to be honest. it's infinitely bigger than me. I am just a tiny human being in the infinite universe. it's time to be a child: to observe in awe. to take aside my pride and ask the universe for help. 

shine through me.

[zenjen]

 @phoenix666

[phoenix666]

@zenjen hahah thank you for making me laugh out loud 

[phoenix666]

thank you.

N, thank you for abandoning me. thank you for ignoring me in my darkest hour. it made me feel like the utter victim. it was the beginning of my journey. you made me find actualized.org. you made me realize that in the end, I am alone. and that is the beauty, I was strong enough. you kicked my ass into motion. you triggered the lion inside the suffering camel. 

S, thank you for abandoning me right after plucking up all the courage I had, offering you my heart. you broke all my walls. and then my heart. thank you for making me feel like the loneliest person in the world. it's what I needed to come back on the path. you made me find the path again. and you opened my heart for love again. you made me a giving, passionate and hopeless romantic again. thank you for letting me love you <3

P, thank you. thank you for ruining my most innocent years. thanks for taking away my memories, thank you for exploiting and abusing me. thank you for using me for your * purposes and throwing me away. thank you for manipulating me. thank you for making my life hell (I didn't even know... I didn't even understand) thank you for giving birth to my most destructive beliefs: thank you for making me think that I am a victim. that I am a failure. that I am a toy. that I am worthless. that I am nothing. that I can't trust anybody. not even -or specially- not myself. you really got me there, for a long time. you have no idea, you and your (caring, loving?) vicious, sometimes knowing smile. thank you for breaking me. 

I mean it. you made me strong by making me weak. you built me up by breaking me down. you made me reborn by killing my heart. thank you. I wouldn't be here where I'm at without you. may you forgive yourself for what you did to me (if you know. I think you do)

thank you for making me grow. thank you for showing me where love should go. 

Edited October 16, 2017 by phoenix666

[phoenix666]

living a life of service.

I discovered something that truly makes me happy. it makes me flow, it makes the colors brighter and my soul lighter. it's even detached from any outcome. (a honest thank you is pure gold and love, but it's just a bonus) 

helping. and it's not about making myself bigger, like it was in the past. I've always considered myself a not so empathic or generous person. I recently discovered that other people's pain makes me suffer as well. that their joy makes my heart shine as well. 

it's beautiful to reach out my hand, whenever I can. I want to live a life of service. I want to never get tired of lifting people up and to help them on their way <3

[phoenix666]

back to ground zero

I'm becoming more and more aware of how unconsciously I go through life. it's like as soon as some minutes pass, specially when I am surrounded by people..wush. awareness slips away. focus out the window. autopilot and tension. shallow breathing and judging (mostly others). craving attention, wanting to stuff silence with speaking. (talking so much, saying so little).

and the biggest problem: when I'm unaware, I am not aware that I am unaware.  so tricky. our mind is a sly fox! gotta love its ingeniousness. but I feel, that's the way to go: no shaming, no judging myself. no frustration. just be amazed by this trickery! admire the self deception! it's a genius! it's godly, that's why it's hard to crack. 

every time I catch myself being unaware, instead of judging and blaming myself, I just compliment myself. not you idiot went on autopilot and got lost in thought stores again. but wow, you reclaimed awareness in a completely unconscious moment, good job! that's the way to go. that's loving and caring.

I need patience: back to ground zero. how? my breath is ground zero. whenever I get lost in thought stories (huh, that's a big one for me...gotta say, I have so much fantasy..) I return to my breath. again. and again. and again. 

frustrating? boring? oh yes. but that's the reason the fruit of this work is so sweet

[phoenix666]

sadness came up. I didn't run away, I just let it take me. I was lying there and just thinking overwhelm me, overtake me. it's avery strong force. it really is true, what they say. it calmed down and fades after a while of truly letting it in.

I'll do this more often in future: when negative emotions arise. don't resist. welcome it. embrace it. let it overwhelm you. admire it's force.

I sometimes feel like the loneliest person in the world. I will explore this loneliness in future. what does it want to show me?

[phoenix666]

nature is a teacher

we can learn so much from nature. silence, being, calmness. just being. nature is always fully present. we are caught by the past, the future or fantasy. yesterday I took a long walk through the forest and I could feel that we've been distancing ourselves from nature. I could see that pretty much everything in our lives is a huge distraction. it's all been a running away, it started when I was a little girl.

but what are we running away from in modern society? what am I running away from? I asked myself that whilst walking through the woods. instinctively an answer came to my mind: nothing. at the beginning I thought oh, uff is that it? nothing? no answer?

but no, I then realized that I was wrong. oh yes, that right there was the answer: what am I running away from? nothingness. emptiness. silence. the present moment.

but why? why am I running away from that? that I don't know.. boredom? fear? if fear, what do I fear?

[jjer94]

Quote

"What most people's current life is, is a collection of mechanical reactions habituated over time against all the bad shit that happened to them, that now they're trying to avoid."
-Leo

[phoenix666]

@jjer94 is that what we need to do? face all the 'dark' feelings and reactions we've accumulated over our lives? did you manage to? <3

[jjer94]

@phoenix666 Need to? Not sure. But facing the "darkness", inside and outside, means less scary corners to run away from.  

4 hours ago, phoenix666 said:

did you manage to?

Two years in, and I feel like I've only just started... 

[phoenix666]

@jjer94 I guess this never comes to an end. maybe endings are just an illusion. everything I've been viewing as an end has revealed itself to be just another beginning frustrating and fascinating..

but you seem to be on the right way <3 keep it up <3

[phoenix666]

as I watch my breath, I fall of track. again and again. now I really get it: everything is a distraction. hell!

what comes up as I observe my breath? that's the problem. I expect something big to come up. I expect something to hit me and blow me away. the problem: I expect something. what does actually come up? nothing. silence. boredom. emptiness. hell, have I been running away from all of that! it's all a distraction from that big, empty, boring nothing that arises. 

it's time to stop running. all those thought stories I've been living in, for years. (with the excuse that I have a very well developed fantasy and that life could never be as sweet as fantasies in my head) of course I lived in a never ending cycle of disappointment: life could never reach my perfect little fantasies. all those meanings and values I put on things. everything I do, just to give myself the feeling of worth.

time to face exactly what arises. time to face nothingness. 

I will fail. ego doesn't like being empty and bored. but I will go back on track, as often as necessary!

[phoenix666]

oh, it's that time again.

I feel this big cold emptiness overcoming me again. I don't know who I am and what I want. I don't know what I am here for.

throwback. I feel like the loneliest person in the world. I feel so distant from anybody else. disconnected from everyone and everything. there is a hole in my I've been trying to fill my whole life. what is the difference now? now I am aware of the emptiness. I am aware of this hole I feel in me. I am aware of my need to distract myself from it.

I don't want to run away from it. I don't want to neurotically try to fill this emptiness (and fail again and again, becoming caught in the endless cycle of distraction, pleasure und ego games)

writing this down already helps.

I know this is temporary. I am not my feelings. they change. this too, will pass.

I am ready to observe in stillness. and I fully respect the power of sadness and loneliness. I want to welcome those feelings home. they're here to be loved.

[Girzo]

this hole is there for the Light to shine through

[phoenix666]

11 hours ago, Girzo said:

this hole is there for the Light to shine through

wow, you just opened my eyes to a whole new perspective. <3 thank you

[phoenix666]

huh, I just noticed once again - I am a machine. Ouspensky didn't lie.

I am a result of everything that happened, of all the stimuli that entered my nervous system. with time, mechanisms as a reaction to those startet to form. I am a result of conditioning. it's all habits and patterns.

as soon as I snap back into a mindful state, I can see how much of my life runs on autopilot: everything I do, I say, I think, I decide. I start realizing that nothing of that happens under my free will.

so how does this all work? is everything that happens supposed to happen? what is it that wants to come back to mindfulness? what is it that makes me focus on my breath? awareness wanting to become aware of itself?

hahaha awareness wanting to become aware of itself. this makes me shiver and laugh. I know this sentence.. I came across this sentence repeatedly during my trips. I wonder what it means. I have to admit, I don't know. I'm not sure of anything right now. 

maybe my sense of knowing starts to unravel. maybe my web of beliefs starts to break down. I don't want to be afraid of not knowing anymore! I actually want to get mindfucked! I want my beliefs to break down like a house of cards! Leo made me so curious. I feel a desire for mindfucks. I want my entire paradigms to be put upside down!

[zenjen]

49 minutes ago, phoenix666 said:

maybe my sense of knowing starts to unravel. maybe my web of beliefs starts to break down. I don't want to be afraid of not knowing anymore! I actually want to get mindfucked! I want my beliefs to break down like a house of cards! Leo made me so curious. I feel a desire for mindfucks. I want my entire paradigms to be put upside down!

You are so close to a breakthrough I can feel it! You have already come so far. Keep going, I’m excited to see where this work takes you.

[phoenix666]

35 minutes ago, zenjen said:

You are so close to a breakthrough I can feel it! You have already come so far. Keep going, I’m excited to see where this work takes you.

<3 you're so sweet! thanks for your words, they make smile. what a motivation! 

it comes in waves. it's such an up and down. trust, consistency and vision are golden. the fruit of bitter patience is sweet!

thank you <3

[phoenix666]

here it is in me again. 

I saw my ex walking in front of me, holding hands with his new girlfriend(?) a wave hit me, cold like a winter day. there was that loneliness again.

I am not in love with him. I think I never was. not romantically. I didn't feel anything when he told me that he had cheated on me. I didn't care. but that was just sexually. pure physical. now I saw him in close embrace with another girl. that did some things in me.

it was nothing about him, I realized that. it was more like: maybe he found happiness. maybe he found his soulmate. maybe he is fulfilled now.

and me? at the end of the day I am alone. nobody to share my life with. no one who holds me. 

I won't run away this time. no distraction, no games this time. I want to explore this feeling. what is it?

loneliness: cold. empty. crushing. dull. like something is missing in me. there is an infinite hole in me, it keeps opening and sucking me in. 

on the other hand. I want to be alone. I don't think I'd want a relationship. I would just like someone to hold me from time to time. someone to talk, to share moments with. to share my happiness and my deepest emotions and thoughts with. intimacy = in-to-me-see 

why do people leave me? I know it's my biggest fear: that there is something wrong with me. I don't fit in. I'll never find anyone to be with. I'm just too fucked up and weird. sometimes I feel like an alien. disconnected from people.